MVParents

Encouraging Healthy Habits

2009-07-01T07:04:00.000-07:00

Children growing up in North America today are at risk of being the first generation in modern memory that will have a shorter life expectancy than their parents.

--Dr. David Katz, heart expert

The alarms have sounded. Health experts are greatly concerned about the overall health of our children and teenagers. They’re worried about how sedentary our kids have become. They’re concerned about our kids’ eating habits. They’re bothered that too many kids don’t get enough sleep. As a parent, it’s easy to become paralyzed by what the health experts are saying, especially since many kids seem to slip in and out of good health habits (while others seems to gravitate toward more bad health habits than good). Yet there are many things you can do to help your kids get on the right track and keep from sliding too far into bad health habits.

Tips for . . .

· all parents

o Recognize that health habits change constantly.

o Make health habits fun.

o Celebrate small successes.

Read more . . .

· parents with children ages birth to 5

o Encourage healthy habits from an early age.

o Do physical activities together.

o Be patient during power struggles.

Read more . . .

· parents with children ages 6 to 9

o Create a fruit and vegetable chart.

o Talk about the importance of learning to swim.

o Have your child help you cook.

Read more . . .

· parents with children ages 10 to 15

o Monitor your child’s consumption of soda.

o Continue to encourage your child to be active.

o Make sure your child gets enough sleep.

Read more . . .

· parents with children ages 16 to 18

o Keep monitoring activity and eating habits.

o Make family meals a priority.

o Ask your teen about the kinds of physical activity he or she enjoys.

Read more . . .

Visit MVParents.com and read more in Raising Healthy Kids , our newest Everyday Issues resource.

When Kids Spend, Spend, Spend and Want More, More, More

2009-06-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

Never spend your money before you have earned it.
--Thomas Jefferson, former U.S. President

“Could I get five bucks?” “A twenty?” “I need money for this.” “I need money for that.” As a parent, you hear these pleas from your children. Some ask for money more often than others, but all kids ask. How can you help your kids live within their means? How do you help your kids avoid overspending? How can you teach your kids not to pester you for money so often? Consider these ideas.

Tips for . . .

• all parents

o Be intentional and consistent with money.

o Encourage family members to slow down spending.

o Model savvy spending habits.

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• parents with children ages birth to 5

o Create money boxes for your child.

o Help preschoolers recognize different coins.

o Teach young children that once money is spent, it’s gone.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 6 to 9

o Talk about advertising and its influence.

o Start giving your child an allowance.

o Help your kids learn to save.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 10 to 15

o Connect your child with adults who need odd jobs done.

o Encourage your son or daughter to save.

o Offer to pay for school activities.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 16 to 18

o Be clear about your expectations for further education expenses.

o Encourage your child to spend only a part of his or her earnings.

o Introduce new money skills.

Read more . . .

** Visit MVParents.com and read more about Helping Kids Make Good Money Choices, our newest Parenting Matters resource. **

Excuses, Excuses: When Your Child Is Full of Them

2009-06-03T06:22:00.000-07:00

Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure.

--Don Wilder, American speaker

You want your child to do something. Your child doesn’t do it, and when you ask why, she’s full of excuses and reasons why she can’t. All the while you’re thinking that if she just did it instead of making up excuses, it would be done by now. Here’s how to move kids to action.

Tips for

· all parents

o Figure out consequences for when your child refuses to take responsibility.

o Create routines in which responsibility comes first.

o Keep a sense of humor.

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· parents with children ages birth to 5

o Go along with your child’s fantasies and work them into responsibilities.

o Give young children a notice before transition.

o Work responsibilities into your daily routine.

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· parents with children ages 6 to 9

o Create a balance between home and school.

o Make a game about excuses.

o Teach kids the difference between real and lazy excuses.

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· parents with children ages 10 to 15

o Set family guidelines about responsibility.

o Break down responsibilities into smaller pieces.

o Take away a privilege, if needed.

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· parents with children ages 16 to 18

o Congratulate your teen on their accomplishments.

o Make sure everyone in your family is doing their fair share of work.

o Explain that everyone needs a balance of fun and responsibility.

Read more . . .

What Your Kids Are Learning from You

2009-05-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

Whether you want to or not, you do serve as a role model.
--Brooks Robinson, American baseball player

What are your kids learning from you? As parents, we hope they’re picking up good habits and learning how to be caring, principled people. Yet, no parent is perfect. We have our strengths and our weaknesses. The better we know ourselves, the better we’ll parent our kids.

Tips for

• all parents

o Get to know yourself more. What are you good at? What do you struggle with?

o Be intentional about how you parent.

o Notice how you treat the mistakes you make.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages birth to 5

o Think of your child as a mirror that is reflecting everything you do.

o Pay attention to behaviors your child picks up from other adults.

o Monitor your own stress level.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 6 to 9

o Don’t be surprised if your child points out your inconsistencies.

o Model strong work habits.

o Get your family involved with service projects.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 10 to 15

o Stand up for yourself without putting down your child.

o Model positive ways to interact with peers.

o Discuss the learning and growing that you experience.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 16 to 18

o Begin to discuss the complexities of being human.

o Ask your teenager what makes it difficult to be a teenager.

o Work to be a good role model for your child.

Read more . . .

Discussing Current Events with Your Kids

2009-05-04T06:02:00.000-07:00

Discussing Current Events with Your Kids

“There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.”—Nelson Mandela, former South African president

As a parent, you walk a tightrope when it comes to current events. On one hand, you want your child to become more aware of the world. On the other hand, you want to shield your child from horrific news. You actually can do both by considering these ideas.

Tips for

• all parents

o Consider subscribing to a daily newspaper or a weekly newsmagazine.

o Consider adding the Happy News to your daily news intake.

o Talk about which aspects of news you find fascinating.

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• parents with children ages birth to 5

o Shield your children from bad news.

o Consider subscribing to the Sunday newspaper and reading the comics with your children.

o Teach your children about faraway places.

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• parents with children ages 6 to 9

o Ask about the writing curriculum at your local school.

o Find simple chapter books that help your child learn about the world.

o Find online news stories that interest your kids.

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• parents with children ages 10 to 15

o Show kids how to find governmental news through TV, radio, online, and other news sources.

o Build on your child’s interests.

o Maintain a balance between paying attention to the news and living your own lives.

Read more . . .

• parents with children 16 to 18

o Frequently bring up current events to discuss as a family.

o Find out which newscast your teenager likes the most and recommend watching it periodically.

o Consider subscribing to a newsweekly.

Read more . . .

Helping Your Child with Standardized Tests

2009-04-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

“You can tell who is best at taking tests and going to school, but you can’t tell who the best people are.”
—Barnaby Keeney, American University President

Whether your child is young or older, he or she will have to take standardized tests. Over the past few years, standardized tests have only increased in number, and there’s growing pressure on improving test scores. All this can create a stressful situation for your child, particularly if your child doesn’t do well on standardized tests. Here’s how to help.

Tips for . . .

• all parents

o Find out when standardized tests will be given.

o Make test time a stress-free time.

o Monitor your attitude about standardized tests.

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• parents with children ages birth to 5

o Ask questions about any standardized tests your child may be taking.

o Waiting until age six to start kindergarten is not a sign of failure for your child.

o Learn as much as possible about assessment tools.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 6 to 9

o Don’t be surprised if your child is tested when they begin attending school.

o Teach your child to take all aspects of school seriously.

o Incorporate test-taking practices into your child’s homework routine.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 10 to 15

o Keep tabs on your child’s attitude toward standardized tests.

o Find out if your child’s school offers practice tests.

o Remind your child that standardized testing is one one part of his or her education.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 16 to 18

o See if your local school or community offers test preparation classes.

o Remind your teenager that he or she can take the ACT or SAT more than once.

o Point out that all standardized tests are important, regardless of their effect on grades.

Read more . . .

When Kids Lie, Withhold Information, or Deceive You

2009-04-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

“I’m not upset that you lied to me. I’m upset that from now on, I can’t believe you.”
—Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher

When they’re younger, children’s lies can sometimes be cute and entertaining. But as they get older, their lies can wreak a lot of havoc in your life and in theirs. Being honest—even when it’s hard to tell the truth—is an important lesson to teach your child over and over. The more you model and emphasize living an honest life where your words match your actions, the more kids will see that honest truly is the best policy.

Tips for

• all parents

o Talk about lies at a neutral time—when no one has actually done it.

o Choose your battles carefully. Not all lies are the same.

o Admit when you’ve made a mistake.

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• parents with children ages birth to 5

o Young children often get their imagination and reality mixed up.

o Pay attention to your reactions when your child tells a “cute” lie.

o Read aloud books about honesty.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 6 to 9

o Get to know the other adults in your child’s life.

o Notice when your child lies, but don’t make a big deal out of it.

o Talk with your children about the fear of punishment and the temptation to lie.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 10 to 15

o Explain to your children how you want them to make their own decisions.

o Connect with other parents to keep track of your kids.

o Continue teaching and modeling honest behavior.

Read more . . .

• parents with children ages 16 to 18

o Invite your teen to talk to you when he or she is ready.

o Monitor situations so you know when your teenager can handle it on his or her own.

o Discuss current events.

Read more . . .

Ouch: When Your Kids Treat You Like Dirt

2009-04-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

"If you've never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent."
- Bette Davis, American actress

"I hate you!" The first time your child says this to you, you'll be shocked. As your child gets older, you'll continue to be stunned by how much your child can hurt you-and treat you like dirt. Although all kids have a mean side, that doesn't mean you become a silent floor for them to walk over. Take these moments (once you soothe the sting) as times to teach your child a number of important skills.

Tips for

all parents

Your child is going to hurt you. That is a fact. As kids grow, they're going to get mad and frustrated and take it out on you. This actually is a good sign.

Be honest about how your child's comment affects you-without shaming your child

Be sensitive to what's going on with your child.

parents with children ages birth to 5

Show them better ways to respond when they're upset.

Keep perspective. All relationships have ups and downs, and this is definitely a hard time.

Try to become calmer as your child gets more upset.

parents with children ages 6 to 9

Learn to negotiate with your child.

Your child is more prone to have outbursts and lash out at you when he is hungry, exhausted, or upset about something else.

Continue to teach your child how to express anger in more appropriate ways.

parents with children ages 10 to 15

Be sensitive to what's going on in their lives, but continue to remind them how to interact in effective ways with others.

Monitor your child's activity level.

parents with children ages 16 to 18

Frustrations mount when older teenagers go after a goal they've always dreamed of and then don't reach it.

By this age, teenagers should have positive coping skills.

Identify tough times. If someone in your family has died or has suffered a great loss, it's going to put extra stress on your family.

You Want to Do What?

2009-04-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

“You learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.”—Franklin P. Jones, American businessman

You can’t believe it. Your child wants to do something…unspeakable. (Or your child has already done the unthinkable.) Throughout childhood, your child will get into things that make you gasp, and the way you react will set the stage for what your child will do next. Before you pull out your hair (or consider more drastic measures), consider these ideas.

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For all parents

Growing up involves taking risks, and your child will sometimes take risks that make you bristle or get your child into trouble. Risk taking is partly about your child trying to figure out what’s acceptable and what’s not, and partly about your child figuring out who he is.
Analyze how often you’re going into shock. If it’s more than a few times a year, either your child is getting into trouble too often or you’re overreacting. That’s why it’s important to have other adults in your life who can give you support and perspective.

Keep talking with the parents of your child’s friends. Sometimes your child may be doing something that a lot of other kids are getting into. As a group, you can work together to reign in the behavior or give each other the support to be patient.
Know the difference between what’s truly dangerous and what’s just pushing your buttons. For example, it’s upsetting when your child colors the walls with permanent markers, but young children often don’t know that this is wrong (until they do it and get scolded). If possible, direct the behavior in a different direction and explain why a different choice would be better next time.

If your child is insistent about doing something you’re not entirely happy about, break the request into pieces. For example, if your 12-year-old wants to go to a concert with friends, work through which parent or adult will drive and which adult will also go to the concert. If your 17-year-old wants to go camping with friends, talk about adult supervision, your teen’s knowledge of camping and cooking out, and how she will get there.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Young children learn by exploring, which means they can find all kinds of wonderful things—and things that make your skin crawl. Encourage your child’s exploration of his environment, but also do whatever you can to keep him safe during his explorations so that he’s not sticking keys into electrical outlets or grabbing a handle of a cooking pot on the stove.
Recognize that kids will get into things, no matter how well you childproof your home. Kids may still find the flour (and dump it on the floor) or find a box of bandages (and cover themselves with all of them). Some kids have even colored their arms and legs with markers. Be clear about what’s acceptable behavior and why, but don’t be overly shocked if your child does something upsetting once in a while.
Always love and reassure your child after she has gotten into some type of trouble. Separate the bad behavior from your child. Say things like, “It’s not acceptable to lie.” Avoid statements like “Sometimes you’re such a bad child.”

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

As children start school, they can find themselves getting caught up with other kids. A group of kids may pick on another kid, or a group may have a water fight in the school bathroom. When these types of situations happen, be clear about what would be a better choice next time and also how easy it is to get caught up in the antics of a group.
Children at this age may express their individuality in small ways, such as having a hair cut that includes a tail down the back of their heads or wanting to wear only orange. Some of these preferences may drive you crazy, but as long as they’re not hurting anyone, allow your kids to experiment and at least try to understand what’s motivating them to express themselves in this way.

Be clear about what’s appropriate and what’s not. Some kids seem to have a knack for finding trouble. What’s most troubling is when they repeat bad behavior over and over rather than getting into trouble once and then learning from it.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Hair color. Hairstyles. Clothes. Accessories. These are ways kids can freak out their parents at this age. Maybe one kid wants his head shaved and another kid wants green hair. Work to negotiate with your child about these issues. Don’t squelch your child’s interests, but honestly talk through the issues. For example, some kids have sensitive skin and can have an allergic reaction to hair dyes. Also, hair dyes typically only last about six weeks before the hair starts growing out. Help your kids make informed decisions.
Expect bumps along the way, particularly if your child tends to be a risk taker. Some kids are more likely to learn by trial and error, so proceed cautiously through their errors. If your teenager gets into serious jams, be there. Consider reading Helping Teens Handle Tough Experiences.

Focus on your relationship. Even if your kids are doing things that make you squeamish, continue to keep communication lines open.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Listen to the wishes and dreams of your older teenager, even if those dreams scare you. For example, maybe your teenager wants to be a foreign exchange student, and you think it’s frightening for your teenager to travel overseas. Be open about your concerns, but don’t extinguish their passions, or “sparks.” To learn more about sparks, visit www.ignitesparks.com.
Be clear about consequences so that when your teenager gets into trouble, he is the one who feels the consequences—not you. For example, if he gets a parking ticket, he should pay the fine.

Continue to be there for your teenager. Make your home a comfortable, safe place to be, a place where she can always turn. Be supportive of her and be clear that you’re always there for her.

Tapping into the Best of Your Community

2009-03-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

“Without a sense of caring, there can be no sense of community.”—Anthony J. D’Angelo, business founder

You live in a community, but how well do you know your community? Have you discovered what it has to offer your family—and your kids? More and more communities are becoming asset-building communities, and you may live in one without even knowing it. Find out the riches of your community with these ideas.

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For all parents

Find out if your community has a registered asset-building community by visiting Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth Online Community! Click on your state, providence, or country and see what’s available. Click on “Show all initiatives” when the next window pops up. More than 600 asset-building initiatives, called Healthy Youth • Healthy Communities initiatives, are now operating worldwide.

Discover what your community offers your family and kids through its parks and recreation department, community education program, community nature center (if your community has one), and schools. Although other community programs exist, you’ll find most of them through these departments.
Ask other parents what your community has for kids, especially if you’re new to the community or haven’t made deep connections with it. For example, you may learn that there’s a kung fu program or a great individual piano teacher the kids are excited about.
Visit your city or county hall and ask for information for kids and families. Many have brochures or catalogs that they can give you. Others can connect you with people who work in these areas.
If you’re interested in a religious community, a congregation often has many opportunities for kids and families. See what’s available in your community.
Connect with your neighbors. Focus on building community and connections with those who live closest to you. Over time, those relationships will be beneficial to you and your kids.
Find out if your neighborhood block participates in National Night Out. If not, take an active role on getting something started. Start small by getting to know a few of your neighbors, or enlist the help of the whole block (including kids) to have a barbecue.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

For young children, a sense of community is very personal. Help your family get to know neighbors and trusting adults in your community.
Watch for family events that your community sponsors, such as an annual carnival, an annual parade, or a family ice cream social. Attend these to meet other people and have some fun.

Form community by connecting with other parents of young children, such as through your child-care center, preschool, congregation, or workplace. Some parents create a short asset-building small group and use Taking Asset Building Personally Guide.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

When you attend school open houses and other school events, meet parents and ask which activities they have their kids in and why. You often can discover a hidden gem that’s not advertised.
Participate in family service projects offered by your community, your child’s school, or your congregation. These are often one-time, easy events that help you make a difference.
Plug into small communities in areas that you care about. For example, if you care about education, volunteer to help out with the parent-teacher organization at school. If you belong to a religious community, make a deeper connection in your congregation. If you enjoy soccer, volunteer to be an assistant soccer coach. Get to know people in these areas.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

As children enter puberty, they sometimes leave behind the groups of people and activities with which they’re familiar. Sometimes they gravitate toward something else, but sometimes they’re not sure where to turn. If they’re not sure, offer to help them find other opportunities.
Continue to connect your child with trusting, caring adults in your community, such as neighbors, parents of their friends, teachers, coaches, and so on. Kids feel more part of a community when people know them.

A number of congregations offer service projects and work camp experiences for kids at this age. These experiences not only help kids feel like they make a difference, but they also help connect them to other kids and adults who care about serving their communities.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

If your community has an asset-building initiative, see if there are leadership opportunities for your teenager. Many of these communities have a number of leadership and other opportunities for teenagers. To find out if your community has a registered asset-building community visit Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth Online Community! Click on your state, providence, or country and see what’s available. Click on “Show all initiatives” when the next window pops up.
Encourage your teenager to go deeper into her interests. For example, if your daughter enjoys swimming, maybe she wants to get involved with the high school’s swim or synchro swim team. If your son enjoys theater, encourage him to explore the school’s drama club—or try out for a school play. Even though these are specific activities, teenagers feel more part of the community when they’re engaged and involved.
If your teenager is interested in sports or other activities, there may be opportunities for him to teach classes, help out with a club, or coach. If this is something your teenager might be interested in, explore your local community center or parks and recreation department to see if organizers are looking for teen instructors, coaches, referees, or umpires.
If your community offers a community service day, help out as a family, even if you can only volunteer for an hour. This helps everyone in your family see how they’re making your community a better place.

When Parenting Gets Expensive

2009-03-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

“The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.”—Flip Wilson, comedian

Each year, the U.S. government publishes how much it costs to raise a child from birth to age 17. The amount goes up every year. Researchers, however, have discovered that the amount your child costs depends on whether you’re in a single-parent or two-parent family and how much income you bring in each year. The research is clear: The more money you make, the more money you spend. The research also shows that all parents (no matter their circumstances) spend a lot of money on their kids to feed them, clothe them, house them, transport them, educate them, care for them, and keep them healthy. Here’s how to deal with the expense of parenting.

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For all parents

Most parents feel the financial strain of parenting. Learn more about how other parents in your income group compare to you by downloading a free government report on the cost of raising a child.
Consider getting involved with your school’s PTA (Parent Teacher Association), PTO (Parent Teacher Organization), or PTSO (Parent Teacher Student Organization) and learn more about budgets and fundraising. One group of parents, for example, got involved in a PTA and advocated for one school fundraiser a year that was accessible to all students (such as a read-a-thon or a walk-a-thon). They then got the word out and raised enough money to help fund items that some families were having a hard time affording, such as field trips or yearbooks.
Talk with other parents if you’re concerned about the rising prices of parenting. See if you can work together to create ways to ease the strain, such as three or four neighbors pitching in to buy one lawn mower to share or finding a few parents who love shopping for bargains who can pick up school supplies during back-to-school sales.
Talk with your kids about costs. Include them in conversations about the family budget or specific budgets, such as budgets for their clothes, school supplies, birthday parties, and so on. Most kids don’t realize how quickly certain staples (such as food, clothing, and shelter) can add up.
Ask other parents for money-saving strategies that they use.
Check out saving strategies for parents of young children published by Babytalk magazine.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Parents of young children often assume that once their kids are no longer eating baby food and are potty trained, their expenses will go down. U.S. government researchers have found that expenses are usually lower when kids are younger and that expenses grow as kids grow.
With kids growing so rapidly, it’s not necessary that they have all new clothes. Visit second-hand shops or garage sales. Check with other parents who have slightly older children and see if you can borrow clothes once their children outgrow them. Some parents of young children pledge to pass along outgrown clothes to parents with younger children for free as long as they pledge to do the same.
A significant amount of money for young children goes toward child care or preschool. Although these costs go up each year, it’s always more expensive to care for a younger child (such as an infant) compared to an older child (a 5 year old). Some parents have opted for family care with their young children to cut costs while others have pulled a parent out of the workforce to provide care for their young children. Do what fits your family best, not only financially but also philosophically.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Parents are often shocked at the cost of school supplies and school lunches once their child starts attending elementary school. If you find that you can’t keep up with these expenses, find out if there are scholarships, subsidies, or other resources available.
Don’t underestimate the cost of activities. Many have a published cost to participate, but there are often additional hidden costs, such as uniforms, providing refreshments, and other fees. Always ask before you sign your child up for an activity.
Give your child a weekly allowance. Teach your child to save money to buy things she wants. That way, your child can learn that money doesn’t come in as easily as she might think it does.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

You’ll find yourself buying clothes like crazy again when your young teenager starts going through puberty. It will feel like those early childhood days, except the clothes will be larger and much more expensive. If your child insists on wearing designer labels, give him a monthly clothing budget so that he finds out what it costs to buy the clothes he wants.
This is the age that many kids get braces, and the sticker price can be steep. Find out if there’s a payment plan so you don’t have to cough up the entire bill at once.

If your child joins a band or orchestra, you may be pressured to purchase an instrument. You can usually find places that will allow you to rent your instrument of choice, but if you wish to purchase one, ask how long your child can use it before outgrowing it. There may be more advanced instruments that your child’s teacher will ask you to buy a few years down the road.
Many kids at this age are very conscious about fitting in, and they will ask you to buy something because “everyone” has one and they have to have one too. Decide which items you are willing to buy, and consider having your child work toward certain purchases.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

As your teenagers get their driver’s licenses, your car insurance rates will jump dramatically. Ask your insurance company if there is a discount for teen drivers who get good grades. Your teenagers may also want to buy a car without realizing that there are many other costs, such as gas, car maintenance, insurance, and repairs. Teach your teenager about the true costs of owning a car before letting her jump into this idea.
Most parents are shocked at the high cost of the senior year of high school. There are senior pictures, costs associated with graduation, college application fees, test fees, hosting a graduation party, purchasing graduation announcements, and more. Experts say this is only the beginning of trying to juggle the costs of helping your teenager launch into becoming an independent adult.
With many school districts facing budget cuts, parents are finding bills that they never expected, such as lab fees for science, fees for purchasing books for class, the need for high-cost graphing calculators, and higher costs for teens to participate in sports, music, and the arts. As a family, talk about what your spending priorities are. Discuss which budget items you can cut back on in order to fund the other ones.

Advocating for Your Child

2009-03-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”—Sir Winston Churchill, British politician

As a parent, you’re your child’s most important advocate. To help your child succeed and grow up well, there will be times when you need to step in and stand up for your child. Of course, you gradually want your child to learn these skills as she grows older, but you’re more equipped to advocate for your child when it comes to maneuvering through systems and red tape. Consider these ideas.

Try it...

For all parents

Get to know your kids as well as you can. Which issues do your kids struggle with? Are there special needs? Medical issues? Learning differences? Something else?
To be an effective advocate for your child, you need to be talking to your child and understanding his perspective as much as possible. Sometimes your child will want and need you to intervene, and sometimes your child just wants your support as he advocates for himself.
When you advocate for your child, be ready to invest a lot of time. Systems often are not easy to move through, and it takes time to learn which people are key in helping you.
Connect with people who are willing and skilled to help. For example, if you have a child with special needs, find the individuals at school who can assist you with an Individual Education Plan (IEP). Visit The Parental Advocate for more ideas on advocating for a child with special needs.
Keep up to date on information about your child’s situation and condition. For example, if your child has asthma or severe allergies, learn as much as you can about the condition and how to keep up with the advancing treatments.
Stay on top of the paperwork and the timing. Some systems require an extensive amount of paperwork for you to complete and turn in. Keep copies of everything. Make a timeline of who to contact if certain steps don’t happen within timeframes that you were told to expect.
Create a team of advocates for your child. Every child needs caring adults who believe in her. For moving stories of how adults made a difference in the lives of young people, read the asset-building book Just When I Needed You.
Gradually teach your child to advocate for himself. This entails sorting through what you want, communicating what you want, and negotiating with others who may or may not give you what you want.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Many child-care centers and preschools have set higher standards for behavior, and some even expel young children if they don’t meet behavior guidelines. If your child is on the verge of expulsion, meet with administrators to see if there are steps you can explore to teach your child appropriate behaviors and to allow more time for your child to learn these behaviors.
If your child has a serious medical condition, make sure every adult who comes into contact with your child knows about it. You don’t want to label your child, but you also don’t want your child to have a seizure or health setback because adults weren’t informed of her health needs.
Decide what you want for your child. Some preschools have become competitive and exclusive, placing high levels of stress on parents and kids. If that’s what you want, then work with those systems. If not, know that there are many alternatives, such as HeadStart or Montessori preschools.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Get to know your child’s teacher, bus driver, and adults who lead the activities your child is in. Build a relationship with these individuals. It’s much easier to advocate for your child when relationships are in place.
Pay attention to your child’s eating habits, sleeping habits, and moods. Sometimes your child may be having a hard time with something, and you’ll find out by asking questions because of changes you notice in your child. Ask and then advocate for your child, if need be.
Advocate that your child learns to read well. Spend time each day reading aloud to your child and having your child read aloud to you as he learns to read.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Even though it’s time consuming to attend open houses and parent-teacher conferences, particularly when your child has many teachers instead of only one, it’s an important investment into your child and her well-being. Learn what teachers and other adults expect of your child and then be your child’s guide in helping her meet those expectations.
Find out how your child’s interests may be changing as he grows. Then research ways to connect your child to activities and trusting adults who are involved in these interests.
Keep on top of possible problems and difficulties that can arise as kids get older. If you suspect your child is getting into trouble, step in right away. Advocate for the well-being of your child.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Talk with your older teenager about how she wants you to advocate for and help her. For example, some teenagers become overwhelmed with the college application process, and they’re happy when you research ACT and SAT test dates and help them sign up for these tests.
Even though many older teenagers like to advocate for themselves, sometimes it’s important for you to step in, particularly if there’s a serious issue, such as your child wanting to drop out of school or contemplating suicide.
Continue to be there for your teenager. Sometimes the best advocates are the ones who know how to listen, who create a home where teenagers feel safe, and who are willing to help out when teenagers ask for it.

Having High-Quality Parent-Teacher Meetings and Conferences

2009-03-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

“One of the most important factors in a child’s success in school is the degree to which his or her parents are actively involved in the child’s education.”—James Coleman, educator

You can better help your child succeed in school when you take the time to get to know your child’s teachers. This becomes more challenging once your child gets into the higher grade levels and has many teachers instead of one or two, but it’s still essential to make these connections. Joyce Epstein, the Director of the Center on School, Family, and Community Partnerships, says children whose parents are more involved with their education are much more likely to do well in school. Here’s how to get the most out of parent-teacher meetings and conferences.

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Make it a priority to attend all parent-teacher conferences, even if your child appears to be doing well in school. This shows that you value your child’s education, and it also helps you get more specific information about what’s happening with your child in the classroom. A helpful book is Straight Talk about Schools Today by Judy Molland.
If the timing of a parent-teacher conference doesn’t work with your schedule, call the teacher and schedule another time instead of missing the meeting altogether. Most teachers are open to doing this.
Come prepared. Have questions ready. Create a list of questions that address the overall development of your child, not just her academic achievement. Questions might include: What are my child’s strengths and weaknesses at school? How does my child behave at school? What do you observe about my child’s friends? Is my child working up to her ability? How can I support you and my child more?

Share information about your child. Teachers will be able to make a more personal connection and play to your child’s strengths if they know him on a deeper level.
Let your child’s teachers know that they can contact you whenever something arises. Be clear that you would like to have open lines of communication.
Ask teachers which specific skills would help your child do better in school. Maybe your child would benefit from the help of a tutor, or maybe the teacher has a workbook or specific exercises that can help your child.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Some child-care centers and preschools offer parent-teacher conferences, but not all of them do. If yours doesn’t, set up a formal meeting with a teacher every six months to find out how your child is developing and how you can support your child’s development at home. On an informal level, make a point of having a brief chat when you pick your child up at the end of each day. Let the teacher or caregiver know that you would like to be updated as often as milestones or problems occur.
Get to know the child-care providers and teachers by name. Be intentional about thanking them for the good work they do. As relationships build, you’ll both pass along information about your child, which will help all of you.
Take your child to the scheduled well-child checkups with your pediatrician. Many have checklists and information about typical childhood development for your child’s age. (If it’s not offered, ask for it.) This can help you know which skills you can teach at home and what’s normal—and what’s not.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

If parent-teacher conferences aren’t scheduled until the third or fourth month of school, call your child’s teacher. Ask for a short meeting to introduce yourself. Even though teachers are busy, it helps to make contact early on in the school year.

If conferences are only for parents and teachers, ask your child what questions he has for the teacher. Bring those questions with you to the conference.
Arrive early. Most teachers have things for parents to look at while they wait. Look at the art on the wall. See if there are any notebooks or school work samples displayed. This will give you more information about how your child is doing in school.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Attend meetings with an open mind. This age group can easily get into trouble, and it’s easy to become defensive or to act intimidating when you’re called to the school to deal with an issue. Try to relax (which isn’t always easy), and find out how to remedy the situation by working with the school instead of against the school.
Don’t wait for conference time to talk to a teacher. Even if your concern isn’t major, it’s better to set up a meeting sooner rather than waiting until later.
As your child enters middle school and junior high, encourage him to seek out a teacher when he is having trouble understanding something in class. Although it’s important for you to be involved in your child’s education, your child can also start working directly with a teacher about certain questions and issues.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Continue to attend parent-teacher conferences, even if your teenager is more independent and doing well. You can often learn something new about your teenager, and your attendance shows that you value your child’s education.
Thank teachers. Send an e-mail or a note. Teachers work hard, and they greatly appreciate it when parents notice.
Take notes. During the high school years, there is a lot of information you need to help your teen succeed in school, such as taking tests for college, keeping track of graduation requirements, applying for financial aid for college, school trips, weeks when standardized tests are given, and so on.

When Your Child Loses Things

2009-02-25T08:18:00.000-08:00

“Riches do not exhilarate us so much with their possession as they torment us with their loss.”—Epicurus, Greek philosopher

Sometimes your child can seem like a black hole. You give your child a backpack, a jacket, a camera—and then it’s gone. Your child doesn’t know where it is (and sometimes blames everyone else for the disappearance). How can you teach your child to hang on to things? Consider these ideas.

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For all parents

Losing things, unfortunately, is developmentally appropriate for kids. During some rapid times of growth, many kids have a hard time keeping track of themselves, let alone anything else. So know that you’re not the only family dealing with this issue.
Decide which items you can turn over to your child completely and which ones you want to monitor more closely. Many parents keep closer track of higher-cost items, such as cameras and hand-held video games. With younger children, you can bring these out for them to use, and then put them away yourself. With older kids, you can create a place for them to keep these items (such as in a specific spot in their room or in another area of your house) to help them keep track of things.
Be clear that your child is responsible for items that get stolen or lost. For example, some kids think if they blame a thief, their parents will more likely replace an item. Be up front that it’s up to them to replace an item. This often will help them keep better track of their things. Or if they figure out where they left the item, have them go pick it up.
Teach your child responsibility by trying the ideas in the chapter on Asset 30: Responsibility in What Young Children Need to Succeed for ideas from birth to age 11 and in What Kids Need to Succeed for ideas for ages 12 to 18.
Be empathetic when your child loses something valuable. You want your child to be responsible, but you also want your child to see you as a trusted adult who truly cares about his or her ups and downs.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Create a bag or backpack that you take with you on outings that have items your child enjoys. Keep those things in that bag when they’re not using them so that you know where these items are.
If your child loses a favorite blanket, stuffed animal, or other item, search with your child. Even if you don’t find it, your child often feels less stressed if you’re just as concerned about the lost item as he or she is.

Be realistic about what this age can do in terms of responsibility.
Keep family valuables far from young hands. Young children enjoy playing with keys, watches, remotes, purses, jewelry, and other items that you don’t want lost. Keep these items high on a shelf or inside a container that kids cannot get into.

Consider packing away some of your valuables until your children are older to keep them safe from getting lost, or broken. Or keep them in a display case that your child cannot open.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Make it easy for your child to keep track of items for school. For example, have a one-two-three count. One is for the backpack. Two is for the coat. And three is for the lunchbox (or another item).
Write your child’s first and last name with permanent marker inside of clothes, backpacks, and other important items. Most schools have a lost and found, and they’re more likely to help you get these items back if your child’s first and last name are printed inside.

Create a place for your child’s important things so that they begin to associate that place for certain items. For example, maybe you have a hook for your child’s backpack and another for your child’s coat. Maybe you find a small shelf that will hold your child’s valuables.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

The onset of puberty can seem to rob your child of his or her sense of responsibility. Kids at this age seem to misplace everything. Many parents of this age talk about how they seem to have more items in their home that belongs to their kids’ friends than to their own kids! If this happens to you, consider creating a box to keep other kids’ stuff.
Talk with your child about taking responsibility for keeping track of valuables, such as a cell phone, an mp3 player, or a digital camera. When you give these items to your child, give them fully to your child, which means that if your child loses them (or if the items are stolen), it’s your child’s loss, not yours.
Teach your child to empty their pockets at the end of the day. Too many kids at this age leave valuables in their pockets, and then these items get ruined in the washer.
If your child loses something valuable and cannot find it after a time, talk about how he or she can work to buy another one. Don’t bail out your child, but create a work plan where your child earns all the money to buy a replacement. This won’t be easy for you—or your child—but it teaches your child a valuable lesson about hanging on to things.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

At this age, your teenager may own some high-price items, which are not only easy to lose but are also tempting for others to steal. Consider listing these items as personal articles to your homeowner’s insurance. There’s often a small annual fee, but when these items are listed individually, they rarely have a deductible and will be fully reimbursed if your teen files a police report for stolen property.
At this age, your teenager should be able to keep better track of things. Continue to build skills in areas where your teenager may be struggling, such as keeping track of a driver’s license (by keeping it in a wallet instead of just a pocket) and homework assignments.
Be open and flexible about how your teenager keeps track of things. Some are quite organized and systematic. Others are more right-brained and spontaneous. If your teenager is not organized, talk about other ways to keep track of things, such as having a decorative bowl to place things in or getting a night stand to hold a wallet, cell phone, and so on. Encourage creative ideas so that your teenager keeps track of what’s important.

Noticing When Your Kids Do the Right Thing

2009-02-18T13:11:00.000-08:00

“Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”—W. Clement Stone, American writer

It’s so easy to say no. It’s even easier to find all the little things that your child does wrong. Yet, what if you said yes more than you said no? What if you started noticing the little things your child is doing right? Even though your child will still do things wrong and get into trouble, your child will feel more uplifted rather than beaten down when you notice her doing the right thing. Here’s how.

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For all parents

Kids are growing and learning. A lot of this process involves trial and error, which is why it seems on some days they do more wrong things than right. Open your heart more and be compassionate about your child’s process of growing and discovering what’s right and wrong.
Be intentional about noticing what your child is doing right. For example, if your toddler made a mess at lunch but ate all of her vegetables, point out how proud you are of how she ate.
Pay attention to how you respond when someone gives you a compliment. Then think about how your child feels when you compliment him.
Continue to set and enforce boundaries consistently. You can make a point of praising good behavior and following through on consequences when your child violates known boundaries.

Talk about how doing the right thing is about becoming a person of character, a person with strong positive values. A helpful book is Teaching Your Children Values.

Be sincere in your compliments. Mean what you say. Kids can tell right away when an adult is manipulating them by saying something nice to get them to behave a certain way.
Don’t limit yourself to complimenting only your own kids. If you see a neighbor child or a teenager at the grocery store do something good, give a personal compliment. Your children are always watching what you do, and they’ll observe that you’re rewarding good behavior.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Delight in the discoveries of your child. For example, some kids get excited with ants or worms outside. Share their enthusiasm—even if you’ve seen millions of ants before.
Give your child two better choices when he wants to make one bad one. For example, if your child keeps stealing your watch and playing with it, offer your child two different toys that he really likes and make a trade. (Then keep your watch in a place your child cannot get into.)
Compliment your child whenever he helps out or does a caring action.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Homework and learning to read can be overwhelming, daunting tasks for children at this age. Break apart the steps and point out when your child is doing the right thing, such as recognizing specific words when reading aloud.
Point out how proud you are when your child apologizes after doing something wrong (even if the apology didn’t seem sincere). Learning to apologize is hard to do, so recognize your child’s effort even if her execution isn’t smooth yet.
Notice when your child is gentle and caring toward other people and animals. These caring behaviors are important for them to learn and continue to use throughout their lives.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Kids at this age often become self-conscious and worry about their appearance. When they experiment with their hair or clothing style, compliment on a part that you like (even if it’s just the color).
Many kids have shifting relationships at this age as they figure out who they are and how they fit in. When you like one or more of their friends, say so. Tell them how good they are at choosing friends.
Schoolwork often can become more intense and demanding, and some kids get easily discouraged. Tell your child how proud you are of her efforts and how she is going deeper with education. If your child is open to it, ask how you can help. Sometimes just being encouraging is a great gift for a child at this age.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

The trouble that kids can find at this age can often have bigger consequences, such as getting into a car accident or getting caught for vandalism. Treat these situations seriously and be firm about how you expect your child to act. Try to separate your child from the behavior by being hard on the behavior and still loving toward your child. A helpful book is Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.
Tell your teenager that you’re proud of him, and be specific. For example, say, “I was really proud of how you tackled that player and then helped him up.”
Older teenagers can sometimes be so busy that parents rarely see them, so when you do, say something positive.
Monitor how your teenager acts toward your compliments. Some don’t like too much enthusiasm. Others do. Give compliments in ways that your teenager accepts the best—and truly finds sincere.

Kids: Valentine’s Day, Friendships, and Dating

2009-02-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.”—Pearl Bailey, American singer

Valentine’s Day. It’s a day kids either love or hate. Those who love it enjoy all the care, attention, and connection with others. Those who dislike it can feel left out and lonely. Older teenagers who are dating often find the holiday romantic, which can get parents worried about how romantic it is for them. Make Valentine’s Day a memorable day with these ideas.

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For all parents

Write a short note that describes what you admire in your child. Give the note to your child on Valentine’s Day. If your child is too young to read, include a photograph of the two of you, or draw a picture.
Talk about your favorite and least favorite Valentine’s Day experiences, and explain what made them so. It helps kids to know that adults have different feelings about the holiday, depending on what’s happening in their lives.
Instead of emphasizing the romantic, sexy qualities of the holiday (which marketers do), focus on deepening relationships and showing people you care. Instead of giving candy, give the inexpensive mini-poster 150 Ways to Show Kids You Care.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Young children love holidays. Make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day. Consider making red and white cupcakes (or heart-shaped cookies). Or purchase a box of inexpensive children’s valentines and write your child’s name on the envelope of every valentine in the box. Then hide the valentines and have your child find them in a scavenger hunt around your house.
Consider serving a heart-shaped food, such as a heart-shaped pancake for breakfast, raw carrots that make an outline of a heart for lunch, or a pizza from scratch for dinner—arrange the toppings in the shape of a heart.
Young children love stickers. Find heart-shaped and other valentine-themed stickers and have them create a valentine sticker book from a small sketchbook.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Schools often send home a list of classmates for Valentine’s Day. Help your child choose a type of valentine he likes and then help him address a valentine for every child in the class, no matter how much he likes or knows each child. Make sure to give a card to the teacher.
Some children enjoy including an item with a valentine’s card to give to classmates. Ask what your child would like to give, but set a budget so that your child doesn’t go overboard with spending.
Toss any valentines that your child receives that are mean. Your child does not need to look at these over and over and feel bad. Say that it hurts you that people can be mean, but focus more on the kind valentines rather than the hurtful ones.
If you’re creative, encourage your child to make homemade valentines. This can become a big project (especially if you’re trying to make one for everyone in the class), so start early. Or make homemade valentine cards only for family members.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Monitor your child’s feelings about giving valentines. Some stop giving them at a certain age, and honor that. However, if your child wants to give valentines to only close friends and not to everyone in the class, suggest that your child mail valentines to friends so other students don’t feel left out. Talk about how other people feel when they see some kids receiving valentines and others not getting any.
Gauge your child’s feelings about Valentine’s Day. If your child enjoys it, go all out and make a big deal of it. If your child finds it a painful holiday, figure out how to connect with your child in meaningful ways that don’t go overboard, such as making their favorite cookies.

Talk about how Valentine’s Day is about love—not sex. Some young kids get the message from the media that the way you show love is by having sex. Discuss why it’s important to wait to have sex and how you can show someone you care in other ways, such as holding hands or just being together. For ideas on how to talk to your child about sex, read the excerpted from Third Base Ain’t What It Used To Be: What Your Kids Are Learning About Sex and How To Help Them Grow Into Sexually Healthy Adults.
Kids at this age like to make fun of holidays and mushy feelings. As long as their humor is funny and appropriate, let them do so. But make sure their humor doesn’t cross the line into being gross, mean, or crass.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Some older teenagers are in exclusive dating relationships, and Valentine’s Day can put pressures on taking the relationship further. Talk about that with your teenager. Discuss alternatives to deepening the relationship, such as going out to eat or telling their special someone how they feel. If your teen is getting very serious with someone, talk about your worries about teen pregnancy. For more information, read this article on teen pregnancy.
If your older teenager thinks Valentine’s Day is dumb, don’t make a big deal of it with her. However, if you have other children or a significant other, don’t let your teenager’s feelings about the holiday hijack your celebration with other family members.
Expand the holiday so that it’s about caring, not just romance. Consider doing a family service project together, such as bringing cookies to an elderly family member, making valentine cards for cousins, or offering to serve a meal at a soup kitchen.

Teaching Kids How to Stay Safe

2009-02-04T08:55:00.000-08:00

“The door to safety swings on the hinges of common sense.”—Anonymous

It’s tempting to teach kids safety with one phrase: Watch out for stranger danger. Yet, according to the Mayo Clinic, strangers commit only 15 percent of kidnappings. Plus, you want your kid to protect themselves in many ways, not just from kidnappers. Although the world can sometimes seem scary, you can teach your kids how to protect themselves. Here’s how.

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For all parents

When teaching kids how to protect themselves, don’t frighten them. Don’t tell them about terrifying news, frightening stories, and scary statistics. Instead, build their confidence by building their skills.
Build the 40 Developmental Assets in your kids. According to the Jacob Wetterling Foundation, “Adults can protect their children from victimization by giving them positive identities and values, appropriate boundaries and expectations, and the support they need to flourish.” These are all categories of Developmental Assets.
Teach kids to pay attention to what scares them. Gavin de Becker, the author of The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence suggests that we pay attention to when our hearts race, when we get nagging feelings, and when we hesitate. These all could signal that something is wrong and we need to pay attention.
If you’re divorced and have a contentious relationship with your ex, your ex could be the biggest threat to your child. Keep tabs on your ex. Be clear at school, child care, and other places where your child goes if your ex is not supposed to pick up or visit your child.
Monitor your children regularly. While you teach kids skills on how to protect themselves, they still need caring adults who know where they are going, who they are with, and what they are doing. This includes when kids are at home and surfing the Internet or they’re quiet behind closed doors. Yes, kids need their privacy, but as a parent, you should have a good idea of what they’re up to.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Monitor young children at all times. They need constant supervision. Young children can easily wander off (or disappear) within moments.
If you need a break from parenting, find a caring, responsible adult (or teenager) who can play with and supervise your young child well. The early-childhood years can be hard on parents because of the constant supervision and care, so give yourself breaks to be at your best when you are with your kids.

Create a warm, loving, safe home so that your child is relaxed most of the time. The kids who have a hard time discerning between threatening people and nonthreatening people tend to be the kids who grow up in chaos and stress.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Be clear who your child should and should not talk to during times away from home. For example, if your child rides the bus, teach your child to take the right bus and to walk straight to school (or straight home) afterward. For young children, it helps if you (or another adult) can wait with your child at the bus stop before school (and meet your child after school).
Encourage your child to play with or near other children when they’re outside or away from home. Explain that kids are safer in groups than when they’re alone.
With your child, locate the McGruff safe houses in your neighborhood. (They have a sign in the front window or door with a picture of the McGruff dog.) Say that if your child ever feels uncomfortable and cannot find you, it’s best to go to a McGruff house. If you haven’t met this neighbor, do so before you need it. Visit the McGruff Web site for more tips about McGruff houses.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Be clear that your child is not to make arrangements or meet anyone in person that they discovered through the Internet. This is the area that concerns experts the most since kids at this age often don’t talk as much with their parents and become curious about people online.
Continue getting to know the friends of your child—and also the parents of your child’s friends. Some kids find new friends at this age, and since they’re more independent, it’s easy not to know most of their friends.
As your child becomes older, be more frank about your safety concerns (but don’t overdo it, or your child may dismiss you). Be factual and non-emotional when you state your concerns, such as saying, “I hear that some kids are drinking alcohol at parties and then having sex because they get caught up in the moment. I’m worried that this could happen to you.”
Give your child an easy way to say no to uncomfortable situations. If they have a hard time being honest or standing up for themselves (which can happen during the self-conscious teen years), give them options, such as “I have to go home now” or “I feel sick” or “My mother would kill me.” Then make sure you can pick your child up right away (or know another trusted adult who can) if your child calls, asking for help.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Continue talking about the safety issues that affect older teenagers and adults. For example, once kids get their driver’s license, many don’t realize how many accidents occur after dark and with a lot of teenagers in the car. Visit TeenDriving.com for driving safety tips.
If one of your teenager’s classmates is in an accident or dies, attend school events or visit the hospital of the injured teen. Even though these are difficult situations, don’t insulate your teenager from them. They shape everyone’s attitudes and actions.
Kids at this age often feel invincible and dismiss their “old fogy” parents’ safety concerns. Notice when your teenager takes precautions and say how much you appreciate your teen making smart choices. Try to give more positive feedback than negative feedback—it is the best way to get through to kids this age.

Motivating Your Kids to Do Their Best

2009-01-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

“Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.”—Winston Churchill, former British prime minister

You want your kids to do their best. But what is their best? How do you know if your kids are living up to their full potential? Consider these ideas.

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For all parents

Notice how much your child is self-motivated. Some kids seem to know what they want and go after it. Others seem to dillydally a lot. Every child has a different amount of self-motivation.

Kids are motivated to do their best when they enjoy what they’re doing—and whom they’re with. That’s why one child can have a great year in math one year and a not-so-great year the next. Teachers change. Circumstances change. A lot affects a child’s motivation. Pay attention to what increases your child’s motivation—and what squelches it.
Find out what your kids love to do. They’re more likely to be motivated to do things they truly enjoy. Keep introducing them to new activities so that they can discover new things that excite them.
True motivation comes from finding the ideal point of being challenged. When kids are overly challenged, they may give up because the expectations are too high. If they’re not challenged enough, they may become bored. Try to find the right balance for your child.
Be aware of the difference between extrinsic motivation (being motivated by others with rewards and bribes) and intrinsic motivation (being motivated internally to do something). Although it’s okay to try to motivate kids from time to time with rewards, try to get in touch with what makes your child motivated from the inside and focus on that motivation.
Look for fun ways to spice up activities that your child doesn’t enjoy, such as certain chores or doing homework for least-favorite subjects. For example, play music and dance while you dust. Or let your child sit with a favorite stuffed animal while doing homework.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Create a structured day that includes reading aloud picture books, playing outside, doing art, nap time, snack time, making music, and playing with stimulating, age-appropriate toys. Notice which activities excite your young child and build on those.
A key point for this age group is to give kids stimulating activities that encourage their curiosity—rather than kills it. Kindergarten teachers say they can always tell which kids have had their curiosity nurtured when they arrive at school the first day. These are the kids who have had parents who take them to interesting places (zoos, children’s museums, the library, the playground, the grocery store) and also have provided interesting, stimulating activities, such as reading aloud, going for walks and identifying colors, and building towers out of blocks.

Motivate your child’s curiosity by not pushing or forcing your child to learn. Eliminate the flash cards and memorization activities. Instead, focus on the things that fascinate your child, such as befriending ants outside or having tea parties for stuffed animals.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Closely monitor your child’s activity and motivation levels at the start of school years. Starting school can be physically exhausting for young children. Make sure they get the rest they need in order to do well at school. Visit Education World.com for tips for healthful sleep.
Young children are still highly relational. They tend to be motivated to do well when they adore the adults they’re with. Connect them with trusted, competent adults who care about them.

Kids notice what motivates you. Talk about and include your kids in your passions, such as gardening, woodworking, scrapbooking, or hiking.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Monitor your child’s motivation. Many kids go through phases when they don’t want to do the things they used to love to do. Some can become disinterested in school (or certain subjects). Talk about how important it is to keep going. For more ideas, see Parenting Preteens with a Purpose by Kate Thomsen.
Notice the new interests that get your kids excited. Sometimes it’s giggling about the opposite sex, reading comic books, or fashion. Kids at this age are highly aware of which social groups they fit into and don’t fit into, and so many are motivated to look—and act—a certain way.
Many kids become motivated by how they feel during this age. Model and talk about how important it is to do certain activities (such as completing homework and helping out with chores) no matter how you feel.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Keep tabs on how competition is affecting your teenager’s motivation. For some teenagers, competition motivates them more. For others, competition paralyzes them. Give suggestions on how to handle competition well.
Talk with your teenager about how to balance highly motivational activities with ones that are important but less interesting to do. Explain how adults constantly find ways to take responsibility yet also follow their interests and passions.
Most teenagers (and adults) want to change something (such as losing weight, exercising more, or improving their performance at work or school). But change is hard. Point out how small steps matter. A helpful resource is One Small Step Can Change Your Life by Robert Maurer.

The State of Your Family

2009-01-21T09:17:00.000-08:00

“To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order. To put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order. To put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.”—Confucius, Chinese philosopher

At the beginning of each year, the president of the United States gives a State of the Union address to Congress, outlining his hopes and plans for the year. Take some time to sit down and discuss the “state of your family” and see what hopes and dreams everyone has.

For all parents

Make this a democratic process and give everyone in the family a say. If your family isn’t used to this, you might be surprised at what your kids have to say. Listen to them.
Take stock of where your family is and where you’d like it to be. Encourage family members to be open and honest about what they see as your family’s strengths and weaknesses.
Think about two or three things you enjoy about your family and be ready to name them. As a parent, you may need to model this at first (if your kids aren’t used to it). For tips on effective family meetings, visit The Family Education Center.
If discussions become difficult, make sure you keep them away from mealtimes. Stress can kill people’s appetites, and stressful meals usually drive people away from wanting to eat together. Keep mealtimes calm and fun. Deal with the hard stuff at other times.

Sometimes kids say their family is boring and doesn’t do anything. If any of your kids have “big dreams” that cost “big bucks” (such as wanting your family to go on an overseas vacation), be honest about your family budget. Look at ways to save and creative ways to respond. For example, maybe you can’t afford to fly to China, but your family could attend the Chinese New Year celebration in your city. Expanding your family’s experience of other cultures is always a good activity to elevate the state of your family.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Create regular family times to play and be together. When you’re together, ask your child: “What would make family time more fun?” Keep questions short and easy to answer.
If you have a parenting partner, talk about the current state of your family and what your hopes and needs are. Parenting young children can be intense and time-consuming, so be clear about your needs. If you’re a single parent, see if you can team up with another single parent to form a mutual support system for each other.
Focus more on the state of your family rather than the state of your home. With young children in the house, it’s often difficult to maintain a well kept up home. Occasionally let the dishes sit in the sink to get down on the floor to play with your child.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Since children think concretely, you can make the “state of your family” day the same day as the “state of the union” address. Decorate your table with red, white, and blue ribbons. Talk about who the president is. Ask your kids: If you could be president of our family, what would you want to do?

Your family will run much smoother if everyone pitches in with chores. Set aside time for clean-up where everyone picks up their things and puts them away. You also can have a family chore time once a week where family members work together to complete chores.
Make time for family fun. With our busy lifestyles, it’s easy for everyone to be going in different directions and for life to get overly scheduled. Inflate a balloon and see how many times family members can bat it without the balloon falling to the ground.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Set up a time for a family meeting and talk about what kids hope for in the year to come. Most kids tend to think only of vacations, but encourage them to think broader, such as: Are there any recreational activities you’d like to try? Is there a restaurant that you’ve heard of that’s good?
Encourage kids to invite a friend for family activities. They’re more likely to participate if they have a friend with them.
Together learn more about the State of the Union and its purpose by reading about it on Wikipedia.
Try to talk to your kids about the state of your family when they’re in a good mood. If kids are feeling down or having a bad day, you’ll only get negative feedback.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Make your home inviting to older teenagers. Keep snacks and beverages on hand that they enjoy. Say hello to your teen’s friends when they come through the door. Even though you may not see your teenager a whole lot, they’re more likely to bring their friends home with them if they view your house as a good place to be.
Create enjoyable family time when you’re more apt to all be together, such as during the holidays, visiting colleges, and so on.
Talk about the state of your family when you’re all together. Sometimes it’s tempting to do this without your older teenagers because they often are busy and not home much. So be spontaneous and call the family together to talk when they are home.
Consider watching the State of the Union with your older teenager. Ask what she thinks is impressive, impossible, or interesting. Ask your teenager what she would say about the state of your family for the coming year.

Me, Me, Me: When Kids Think Only of Themselves

2009-01-14T09:08:00.000-08:00

“When we are happy, we are less self-focused. We like others more, and we want to share our good fortune, even with strangers.”—Martin Seligman, American researcher

Kids are self-absorbed. It’s part of their development. At times, they need to focus on themselves to grow up well. Yet, as parents, we can continue to help them be aware of, be sensitive to, and help the people around them. This is easier to do at certain ages than others, but all kids benefit when they develop a healthy sense of themselves while also developing a healthy sense of caring for others.

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For all parents

Remember that you are not alone. Almost all parents complain about their kids being self-absorbed. This occurs most intensely when kids are young (during the toddler and preschool years) and then again in the early teenage years.
Support your kids. Encourage your kids. Be proud of your kids. Help them grow up well as individuals, but also nurture their caring for others. As a family, do simple family service projects. Bake cookies for a sick friend. Help an elderly person with yard work or errands. For family service ideas, see the free MVParents newsletter, Family Volunteering.

Set age-appropriate boundaries for your kids. Kids who grow up self-absorbed have been handed everything and not expected to follow boundaries.
Notice and acknowledge your child’s positive behavior whenever you see him acting in caring ways toward other people and animals.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Teach children to share from an early age, even though sharing is a difficult concept for young children to learn. Keep teaching them about sharing, and they will gradually learn it.
Keep a healthy balance of your child having her own things and also sharing. For example, if you invite a child over to play at your home, ask your child to put away her favorite toys that she doesn’t want to share. Explain how everything else is meant to be shared while the child visits.

Meet your child’s needs. If your child cries, attend to him immediately. Keep your child fed, rested, and stimulated. The better your child is cared for as a young child, the more likely he will develop a strong sense of self and become a caring individual.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Kids can become selfish when they feel threatened or scared. Instead of coming down hard on your kids when they act this way, ask questions to see if something else might be going on.
Continue to value, listen, and respect your child. Nurture her identity. You cannot become a caring individual if you don’t feel cared for.
Keep in touch with grandparents, neighbors, and extended family members. When you bring your kids with you to be with other people, they see you caring for others, and they learn to be interested in others.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Don’t be surprised if your former caring child becomes a self-absorbed teenager. This often happens, and it happens to a lot of kids. Give your child some space to develop, but continue to emphasize how important it is to help and care for others.
Kids at this age often love to help others through projects. Have the budding artists create cards to send to homebound or sick people. Have those who enjoy cooking bake something for a widow. Also see if a local congregation has service projects that your kids can do with their friends.
Be sensitive toward your self-conscious, self-absorbed teenager. Many have fragile identities. Even though they may push you away, they still want your support and care.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Because of the sometimes fierce competition in high school, some older teenagers can become wrapped up in their own worlds in order to succeed. Monitor their stress and competition levels. Encourage them to have a healthy social life in addition to having a healthy academic life.
Older teenagers often take great pride in doing more extensive, challenging service projects. Some go to weeklong service camps in other states—or other countries. Or see if your teen would be interested in building houses with Habitat for Humanity. Visit their Web site to find a local chapter.
Continue to do your part in modeling caring. Volunteer at your teen’s school—or in an organization or your community. Talk about why you volunteer and why you enjoy it. Even if your teenager doesn’t do much volunteering now, he will remember what you did.

Dealing with the Post-Holiday Letdown

2009-01-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

“The pleasure of expecting enjoyment is often greater than that of obtaining it, and the completion of almost every wish is found a disappointment.”—Samuel Johnson, English poet

The holidays are over. A lot of time, energy, and money went into the holidays, and now it’s time to get back to the routine of everyday life. For some people, that’s a welcome relief. Yet, for many parents and their kids, the days after the holidays are over can stir some disappointing feelings. Here’s how to deal with the letdown.

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For all parents

Debrief the holidays as a family. Talk about how to make them better for next year. Discuss questions such as these: Which traditions do you wish to keep? Why? Which are boring? What else would you enjoy doing?
Talk about what you each enjoyed most during the holidays. Discuss how having the holidays come to an end can feel disappointing or sad.
Figure out ways to include the best parts of the holidays into your everyday life. For example, if your family enjoys entertaining, find an event to invite people over for dinner, such as a Super Bowl party or a Martin Luther King Jr. birthday party where everyone talks about their dreams for themselves, their families, and their country.

Take the time to thank the individuals who gave you gifts during the holidays—or who brightened your holidays in some way. Teach your children to write thank-you notes and to show their appreciation.
Use the holidays as a chance to do a family service project together. Often, we feel more let down when we make ourselves the focus of the holidays, rather than others.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Young children may have a hard time getting back into their daily routine, particularly if the holidays were exciting to them. Be consistent in getting kids back into a daily routine, but be creative to entice kids to follow their routines, such as helping you buy groceries in a fun way.
Hire a sitter or ask a friend to play with your child if you have a lot of post-holiday activities, such as taking down holiday decorations, going through holiday cards and letters, or putting away holiday dishes.
If your child gets upset about you packing up something from the holidays (such as a holiday picture book or a stuffed animal), consider keeping it out and asking your child to take good care of it until the next holiday arrives.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Children can have a hard time letting the holidays go if they want to spend more time at home doing fun things. Make going back to school special by placing a note or drawing in your child’s lunchbox—or sewing a red felt heart inside the flap of his jacket to remind him that you’re thinking of him.
Play games with your kids. For new game ideas, check out Great Group Games.
Create a “favorite things” collage with your child. Have her include photos of people she loves and activities she loves to do. See if there’s a favorite holiday activity that she also wishes to include.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Kids can get disillusioned from the holidays, particularly if they start counting how many days until their birthday—or the next holiday in order to receive more gifts. Encourage them to enjoy the gifts they did receive and not to think so much about what they don’t have.
Be patient and calm when kids at this age poke fun at holiday traditions and activities—or talk about how happy they are that the holidays are over. Allow kids to have their own opinions, but watch out for any button pushing they may be doing to try to upset you.
Monitor kids closely if one of their favorite relatives died during the year, and this was the first holiday without that person. Kids can form deep bonds with extended family members, and they may be grieving.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Ask your teenager about his opinions about the holidays. You might be surprised by what he was touched by—and what bothered him. Teens often make insightful comments about the ways family members act around the holidays, noting who gets stressed, who goes overboard, and who is stingy.
If your teenager dreads going back to school after the holidays, this may say more about the schoolwork than the holidays. For many teenagers, the semester ends in mid- to late January, so going back to school often means a lot of tests and papers. Be sensitive to their stresses.

Even though the holidays are over, look for inexpensive, fun ways to connect as a family, such as renting a funny movie and eating popcorn together, going out for hot chocolate, or going for a snowy walk under a full moon.

Discipline: When You Don’t Know What to Do

2008-12-17T08:25:00.000-08:00

“Without discipline, there’s no life at all.”—Katharine Hepburn, American actress

You want your child to act one way. Your child acts the opposite way. You say something, and your child doesn’t listen. You try a different approach, and that doesn’t work either. Try these ideas when you’re stumped about how to discipline your child in ways that work.

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For all parents

Approach discipline as a way of teaching your child, rather than punishing your child. Your kids will be more open to learning and changing their ways if they don’t feel threatened, shamed, or punished.
Talk with other parents about your experience. Some ages are more difficult to discipline (such as toddlers, preschoolers, and certain ages of teenagers). If you’re stumped with disciplining your oldest child, seek out advice from parents with older kids. They often have perspectives and suggestions that are helpful.

Team up with neighbors, teachers, extended family members, and friends to give kids consistent messages about boundaries and also in reinforcing those boundaries. You’ll have a much easier time convincing your child to act in a certain way if most people are backing you up and giving the same message.
Try to keep money out of your discipline methods. For example, don’t give kids money to entice them to do something, and don’t cut their allowance for misbehavior. If your child hits his brother, discipline him by having him do his brother’s chore for the day (or the week).
In today’s society, many parents have a hard time telling their kids no. Yet, kids of all ages need to know what to expect, how to act, and how not to act. (And their development will be a smoother process if they have a good balance of support and boundaries from their parents.) For more ideas, read the book No: Why Kids—Of All Ages—Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh, Ph.D..

It is absolutely critical that you follow through with the consequences that you’ve laid out for your child. Giving in or letting kids talk you out of a consequence only creates problems later on for two reasons. First, your child won’t think boundaries are important later on. Second, this undermines your role and credibility as a parent. This isn’t to say there isn’t wiggle room. No rule is ironclad; however, make sure you change consequences only under considerable circumstances.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Child development experts say the most effective discipline technique for infants is distraction. Children under the age of 12 months of age do not have the cognitive development to choose “wrong” behavior. Thus, scolding, yelling, and punishing infants at this age will do nothing but frustrate you and your child. Instead, try to distract your child from whatever he or she is doing. Remove the item with which your child is playing or pick up your child and move her to a different spot. Do anything to get your child interested in something else.
Young children need consistency in their lives in order to develop well, such as toilet training and eating healthy foods. Create predictable, consistent schedules. When your child resists, get creative—for example, become a taxi and give your child a ride on your back to the bathtub.
To raise young children well, respond immediately to infants’ cries. Until children reach the age of 6 to 10 months, they are not able to make associations between their behaviors and the actions of others. That’s why it’s important to establish a sense of trust in your infant by responding sensitively to your child’s changing needs. Kids thrive best when they have a balance of support and consistent, predictable boundaries.
Disciplining 2- to 5-year-olds is much more than trying to coerce or bribe them to do the right thing. It’s about teaching kids which behaviors are right and wrong—and why those behaviors are that way. This requires negotiating with children, pointing out why a behavior is wrong, alerting your child to the consequences of her behavior, and talking specifically about what’s right and wrong so that kids begin to internalize these messages. Ideally you want kids to internalize what’s right and wrong rather than just comply with authority.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Kids at this age become much more interested in electronics, such as video games, computer games, and TV shows. Place boundaries around how much time they spend on these “screen” activities, and make sure they’re also getting physical activity that they enjoy.
Children at this age begin to notice the difference between what you say and what you do (if there’s any inconsistency). Instead of becoming defensive, admit when you’ve made a mistake. Set a good example, and then talk about how both kids and adults need to follow boundaries.
If you find yourself stuck with how to deal with a specific behavior, consult a school counselor or school social worker. (They provide this service for free, and they often have lots of good tips.) Plus, they know that kids are more likely to do well in school if they have good behavior at home and at school. If you fear that this will create a “school record” on your child’s behavior, seek out help from a parent educator through your community education program.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Don’t be surprised if your house becomes a high-tension zone. Kids at this age often question and resist most things you suggest. This is important for their development, but don’t let them by with everything. Choose which boundaries are most important, and be consistent with those. For example, you might need to let your child wear green hair as long as your child does well in school and doesn’t get into trouble.
Find other caring, trusted adults for your child to connect to and spend time with. Whenever you’re stumped about what they’re doing, call this person and explain how you’re at your wit’s end. Ask if he can take your child out for ice cream or a soda and spend some time together. Afterward, ask this adult for tips on how to connect with your child.
Know when to ground your child—and when not to. For more ideas, check out the online article Grounded! How to Make Discipline Work.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Continue to talk with your teenager about what you expect in terms of behavior, but have more conversations about values. Explain why you want your kids to act a certain way. For example, “I know you’re dating, but I think it’s better not to have sexual intercourse as a teenager. I waited until I was married, and I’m glad I waited. You develop deep bonds with someone you’ve had sex with, and I believe that’s important to have with one lifelong partner.” See what your teenager has to say. Encourage your teenager to express his or her values and then go from there.
Use current and school events to bring up tough topics, such as drinking and driving, weapon use, pregnancy, drug use, and so on. You can always find an example on the news (and sometimes in your school or community) of people behaving badly. Sometimes it’s easier to talk about tough topics and your views on behavior when it’s someone you don’t know.
As your teenager gets older, talk about how she needs to be the “captain of herself.” That means that when your child moves out or goes to college, you won’t be there to remind her about certain things. During the older teenage years, gradually back off (and be clear to your teen about consequences) so that by the time your teen is a senior, she is more in charge of her life while also respecting others in your household. You don’t want your teen to feel too constrained before moving out, because too many of these kids often “go wild” without parents around.
Expect older teenagers to make mistakes. This is part of growing up. Be firm, but also be empathetic. Show them the way to make things right.
Don’t get overly angry with your teenager for misbehavior (provided that you have set appropriate expectations for behavior). That way when your teenager misbehaves, all you have to say is, “You knew what the rules were and what the consequences would be.” Convey that the consequences are a result of your teen’s behavior. This helps teenagers understand that they are ultimately accountable for their actions.

When You’re Too Tired to Deal with Your Kids

2008-12-03T08:52:00.000-08:00

“Tired minds don’t plan well. Sleep first, plan later.”—Walter Reisch and Charles Brackett, American writers

It’s a too-common parenting myth: you think once your infant starts sleeping through the night, you’ll be less exhausted. But the truth is, parenting has many moments that tax your system, cause you to lose sleep, and place demands on you that make you tired. Plus, when you add in your work, volunteerism, keeping up a home, and dealing with friends and family, you can often find yourself doing more than you should. So what can you do when you’re too tired to deal with your kids? Try these ideas.

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For all parents

Pace yourself. Parenting is not a race. Think of it as a run that lasts forever. While it’s true that active parenting is most intense while your children are living at home, you’ll still find yourself parenting your adult children, depending on the choices they make after they move out.
Take care of yourself. Figure out creative ways to get rest and to rejuvenate yourself. Some parents take short naps during the movie when they take their kids to the movie theater. Others cut back on their activities so they have a little down time (which often isn’t easy to find when you’re a parent).
Know that you’re not alone. Many parents feel tired because of our society’s unrealistic expectations. Too many parents are working long hours, working more than one job, or being single parents who are trying to juggle everything.
Talk with other parents. Learn how they get rest. See if you can trade off so that one parent is with the kids of two or three families while the other parents rest or take a break. This is especially helpful for single parents who often feel they don’t have any breaks at all.
Make sure your child is sleeping well, otherwise you won’t be sleeping well. For ideas on how to help your child sleep through the night, read The Sleep Book for Tired Parents by Becky Huntley.
When you’re overly tired, you will not parent well. Your temper may flare easily. Your thinking may be muddled. If you’re exhausted and your child is pushing your buttons, say you need a time out. (Kids are often surprised when their parents give themselves a time out.) Explain that once you’ve gotten some rest and perspective, you can deal with the situation that your child has brought to you.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Whether you’re a parent who works outside of the home or you’re a stay-at-home parent, you’re going to get tired. If possible, take naps when your children nap, and remember, it’s okay to leave dirty dishes in the sink or let some housework go. Put yourself first and get some rest when you can.
Once your children outgrow naps, continue to have a daily “quiet time” if your child is at home with you, or at the child care center if you work. Turn out the lights. Allow children to have a flashlight and use their “whisper voices” and allow them to do quiet activities, such as looking at picture books or playing very quietly. While your children have a quiet time, you can do the same. Consider meditating or taking a short nap.

Find someone you can trust to give you occasional breaks. Maybe a grandparent or an uncle will spend time with your child while you rest or catch up on things. Or maybe you can get a referral from a friend about a great baby-sitter who loves kids.

Young children are notorious for waking up earlier than their parents want them to. Consider getting your child a digital clock to place near your child’s bed. Write the appropriate wake-up time on a piece of paper and post it near the clock. Your children don’t need to be able to tell time, but they can practice matching the numbers. Explain that if they wake up before the numbers on the clock match the numbers on the paper, they can play quietly in their room. Then when the numbers match, they can wake you up.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Although children at this age still need supervision, you can take a 15- to 20-minute nap while they’re in the house during the day. Lock all the doors and be clear that your children are not to answer the door or go outside. Explain that you need some quiet, rest time. At first, your kids may interrupt you, but if you continue doing this on a regular basis, they’ll quickly catch on and respect your wishes to take a break.
Encourage extended family members (and family friends you trust) to spend time with your children. Not only is this great for your kids, but it’s also important for you to have a much-needed break. When your kids are away, put yourself first. Nap. Take a walk. Then look at your to-do list.
Don’t be surprised if your children send you into a short-term sleep deprivation period when they get sick, have a series of nightmares, or hit a stressful period in their lives when they can’t sleep. They will wake you up, and it’s important to care for them in the middle of the night.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Sleepovers often become “stay-up-all-night” events for this age group. Be firm about rules regarding leaving the house and quiet times. If they are noisy and cause you to lose sleep, take away their sleepover privileges for a while. Some parents even set a time limit for lights out (such as at midnight) and say that kids can continue to talk quietly with flashlights but can’t be roaming around the house after that time.
As kids start to go through puberty, their sleep schedules tend to change. They become more nocturnal and can sleep until noon (or later). When this starts to happen, emphasize how your child needs to respect the other sleep habits of other family members. Many parents have to get up early to go to work (or do other activities), and they need a good night’s sleep—as does everyone else in the house.
Since this is a time when many kids question authority that can create a lot of tension in your home, which can also make you tired. Find ways to care for yourself so that your nerves aren’t always shot. Take a hot bath. Shoot some hoops. Work out at the gym. Go for walks. Do yard work to relax. Read funny novels. Do what you can to take care of yourself.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

As teenagers become more independent, you may find yourself having trouble sleeping, particularly if they’re out late (and driving your car) or are on a date (and you’re wondering what they’re doing). Talk with other parents about how they handle the stress and worry of parenting older teenagers. You’ll quickly discover you’re not alone.
Model how to take care of yourself. Older teenagers often are testing to see how far they can push their bodies in regards to sleep, eating, activity, and so on. Talk about how it’s important to have downtime in addition to activity. Explain how you feel when you don’t get enough sleep. Then model a healthy, balanced lifestyle for your teenager to observe.
Don’t be surprised if you discover your activity levels need to change as teenagers get older. Many parents find themselves overwhelmed when their teenagers become involved in a sports team, a musical group, or are considering college. (For tips on how to maneuver the exhausting college application process, read the article, Parent-to-Parent: Staying Sane During the College Application Process). Realize that you’ll have more time once your teenager leaves the house, so it’s okay to let go of some of your personal activities until later. Pacing is the key to parenting well.

When Your Child Gets Mad

2008-11-19T08:46:00.000-08:00

“Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.”—Harriet Goldhor Lerner, American psychologist

Doors slam. Kids yell. Or your child refuses to speak to you—or just wilts. It’s not fun when your child gets mad. Kids can really hurt you when they lash out at you. Yet, it’s important to teach kids how to understand their anger, how to express it in constructive ways, and how to use this powerful emotion to make positive change.

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For all parents

Examine your view and comfort with anger. What did your parents teach you about expressing anger? How comfortable are you with the emotion? Some people are quick to lose their cool (and feel comfortable doing so), while others like to avoid any type of anger or conflict. Both extremes are not helpful. What’s important is to learn how to recognize your feelings, make sense of what they’re telling you, and expressing your feelings in a way that clarifies the issue and encourages people to want to work on the issue rather than flee—or lash back.

Notice what makes you mad—and what makes your kids mad. Are there patterns? It’s easy to assume that kids only get mad when they don’t get their way, but anger is more complicated than that. Your child may get upset when someone picks on another child. Or your child may get mad when she doesn’t get enough time to do art—or play outside.

Tell your kids that all feelings are acceptable and important. Also say that it’s important to express emotions in ways that are respectful to others. No one likes to be yelled at. Sometimes an angry person needs to calm down before saying something. Teach your kids to slow down and unwind when they get angry.
A helpful book that shows how to use anger wisely (and not get stuck in blaming) is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D., sold on Amazon.com.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Label your child’s emotions when your child expresses them so that your child can learn what they are. For young children, it’s often best to keep the labels simple, such as mad, sad, and glad. When your child starts to yell or hit, say, “You’re mad. No yelling or hitting when we’re mad. Let’s calm down first and then we’ll talk about why you’re mad.”
Intervene immediately when children lash out at others in anger. Don’t allow anyone to get hurt just because someone is mad.
Count aloud to 10 and have your child take slow, deep breaths when he or she gets angry. Talk about how this helps to calm down the emotion so that you can talk about it later. If your child still isn’t calm after counting to 10, count again. Repeat as often as necessary. Sometimes you may need to have your child lie down (and rub his or her back) or just take a break in a quiet place.
Talk with your kids about the consequences of their anger. It’s not too early to get them working on their empathy skills. For example, if your daughter yells and hits another child, calmly explain how her anger made the other child feel. (Maybe the child got hurt, scared, or sad.) Then ask what happens when someone gets mad at her and how it makes her feel.
After your child is calm, ask simple questions to help your child articulate his or her feelings. Don’t be surprised if your child begins to get angry again. (If this happens, do the calming technique again.) Ask questions, such as: What made you mad? What would make it better?

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Talk about anger with your child. Sometimes during the early childhood years, kids learn to suppress their feelings in order to control them. It’s important to remind children that everyone has feelings, and that all feelings are normal. (It’s the expression of these feelings that often need lots of practice.) If your child has a hard time thinking of what makes him or her mad, talk about what angers you. For example, “I get mad when dinner is late, and my stomach is growling and I’m really hungry,” or “I get mad when someone butts into line ahead of me at the grocery store.”
Introduce your child to more emotion labels. For example, sometimes anger is actually frustration or being enraged or even being bored. One fun poster that shows 30 feelings and comical faces for each emotion is the Feelings Poster from Free Spirit.
Check in with your child’s teacher about your child’s expression of anger and other emotions. Some children act differently at school than they do at home. If there are any concerns, work together to create a plan that will help your child.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Don’t panic if your child begins lashing out in anger in inappropriate ways again. (Some parents think, “Didn’t this kid learn anything from me during the past decade? Why is he (or she) doing this now?”) Puberty can set your child off balance and overload your child’s emotional circuits. Thus door slamming, screaming, and other inappropriate expressions can occur. Try to remain calm (although this is not easy) and ask your child (once he or she is calm) what’s bothering him or her. Be clear about appropriate ways to express anger (such as running around the block, pounding on a pillow, or yelling while vacuuming), and keep teaching these messages over and over.
If your child is emotionally savvy, talk about how many people can experience two or three different emotions at once. The term “bittersweet” acknowledges the feeling of loss and also warm feelings at the same time.
Some kids need a physical release for their strong emotions. Channel it in positive ways, such as having them learn one of the martial arts (karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, or fencing) or by playing a sport that gets them to move their body a lot (such as soccer, long-distance running, skiing, etc.).

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Model and teach your teenager more complex methods of conflict resolution, such as consensus, collaboration, compromise, and so on. Find out more at Mind Tools.
Talk about respecting and valuing other people’s views, especially those that differ from your own. If your family enjoys debate, create a debate where each family member has to convince others of the “opposite” of one of his or her beliefs. This helps you clarify your own views and also see the merit in other people’s views.
Examine the justice issues that make your teenager mad (and make you mad too). Some get upset about global warming. Others become angry when people don’t vote. As a family, talk about the issues that anger you and why. Then see if there’s something you can do to make a step toward positive change.
Be open about the positive steps you’re making to resolve an issue that makes you mad. For example, if the bank slaps you with an unfair finance charge, show your teenager how you’re providing written documentation in your defense, how you’re talking with people at the bank who can help you (and being calm and assertive while you do this), how you’re following up if the response seems slow, and how you thank people for helping you along the way. Moving from anger to positive change is a slow, complicated process, and showing your teenager the steps you take will help him or her in the long run.

Thanksgiving as an Asset-Building Holiday

2008-11-12T10:34:00.000-08:00

“Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action.”—W. J. Cameron, American writer and editor

On Thanksgiving, many families and friends gather together to give thanks for the good things in their lives—and also to enjoy a meal together. Make this annual holiday an asset-building holiday by honoring your family’s traditions while also creatively adding some new activities.

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For all parents

As a family, talk about what you like and dislike about Thanksgiving. Your kids may surprise you: some really enjoy annual traditions while others get bored with them. Discuss the importance of traditions and why certain customs are important to pass down through the generations. The trick, however, is to balance meaningful traditions and new activities.
Ask your children what they would enjoy doing with the adults after the meal. Some enjoy playing card or board games. Some like to do puzzles or art projects. Some want to get outside and play. A 15-minute game of catch or tag can invigorate a Thanksgiving. For creative Thanksgiving ideas, visit the Family Fun Web site.
Plan an activity where each person present names something he or she is thankful for in the past year. It could be the birth of a new family member, moving to a new house, starting school, or getting well after being sick.
Figure out ways for kids and adults of all generations to connect and talk. For example, have kids interview grandparents about what school was like when they were children. Or have grandparents ask kids about their favorite toys and activities.
Consider taking annual photos of the people who attend your Thanksgiving. Or consider videotaping an interview with the oldest person there.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Keep your child on his or her daily routine. Holidays often become difficult because your young child becomes over stimulated by the change and you get caught up in additional activities. Naps, snacks, and other daily routines are important on holidays so that your child doesn’t get overtired or hungry.
Pack a bag of activities for your child if you celebrate Thanksgiving away from home, or visit the library a few days before Thanksgiving to check out new picture books.
Monitor your child’s reactions to other people at the Thanksgiving celebration. Some children become overwhelmed with too many new people, while others thrive on the attention.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

At this age, children are beginning to learn the significance of Thanksgiving. If possible, research how Thanksgiving began and talk about what interests your child.
If your child enjoys art, consider a Thanksgiving art project where your child draws a turkey by tracing his hands. This can become an annual family keepsake.

Sometimes children at this age find Thanksgiving way too sedentary, especially if your celebration mainly consists of preparing food, eating, and then watching television. Even though other adults may not wish to participate, figure out ways to get the wiggles out of your kids by planning something physical, such as a family walk, kicking around a soccer ball, or running races up the stairs.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Depending on your child’s personality and how she is maneuvering through puberty, don’t be surprised if she balks at the Thanksgiving celebration. Talk about how it’s important for everyone to participate and eat together. Allow your child to bring a book, sketchpad, or other activity and have some alone time during the day.
Model and teach your child how to be thankful. Even if your kids think Thanksgiving is dumb, point out all the hard work someone put into cooking and creating traditions.
Bring your sense of humor. Kids at this age often perk up and are more willing to participate if they sense fun and humor at an event. If you’re not sure how to do this, ask everyone at the table what the worst Thanksgiving was and why (as long as you’re not bringing up old wounds) or ask individuals to reveal their most embarrassing moments.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

By this age, teenagers often sense the importance of Thanksgiving, although some would rather spend the holiday with a friend’s family. As long as they don’t do this every year, consider allowing them to do that. Or think about having your child attend your Thanksgiving celebration for a while before heading to a friend’s Thanksgiving.
If your teenager plays an instrument well, is an artist, or enjoys writing, consider having her perform a musical selection, show others his or her art, or write letters to family members who cannot attend.
Consider spending part of your Thanksgiving (or Thanksgiving weekend) helping others by doing a family service project. See the Everyday Parenting Ideas newsletter about family volunteering for creative ideas.

Helping Your Child Make Sense of Advertising

2008-11-05T11:15:00.000-08:00

“Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.”—Will Rogers, American humorist

Advertising is everywhere: on TV, on pop-up ads through the Internet, in magazines and newspapers, on billboards, in your mailbox—everywhere where someone hands you a flyer or sticks one around the handle of your front door. How do you help your child make sense of all these messages? Consider these ideas.

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For all parents

Be aware that advertising is a powerful force. If you don’t help your child make sense of advertising, your child may be influenced in ways that you don’t value. As a parent, be a guide to help your child become aware of advertising and how it affects him.
Talk about advertising and how you interpret it. When do you pay attention to it? When do you ignore it? Overall, are you happy that there are so many advertisements? Why or why not? Start discussions with your kids to learn what they think about advertising, and talk about your thoughts on the issue.
Know how advertisers are influencing your kids. Half of all advertising for children and teens is for food—and 34 percent of all advertising targeted to young people is for candy and snacks. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation Food for Thought report, “Food marketing is a predominant part of the television advertising landscape for children and . . . exposure to such messages is substantial while their exposure to countervailing health messages on TV is minimal.” Of the 8,854 food ads reviewed by researchers of this report, none were for fruits or vegetables.
Be clear about how you spend your money and why. Advertising influences our shopping choices, and advertising may lead to overspending if you’re not careful about your budget.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Keep young children away from advertising as much as possible. The American Psychological Association recommends that advertising targeted to children under the age of 8 should be restricted.
Instead of letting young children watch TV, have them watch age-appropriate, pre-recorded movies and TV shows that you can rent for free from your local library or for a small fee from your local video rental store. If you record TV shows, skip through the commercials when your child watches the show. If you are watching a TV show live with your child, mute the channel during commercials and do jumping jacks together.
Make shopping lists before you go shopping. Talk about what you’re going to buy and why. If your child sees something in the store that he or she saw advertised, say, “That’s not on our list. We can think about it for another shopping trip, but we aren’t buying that today.” If your child continues bringing up the topic of that item, talk through why you think it’s worth buying—or not.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Occasionally watch TV (or sit with your child when he or she is online) and ask questions about the ads. Ask questions such as: What is the message of this ad? How does it make you feel? What is the advertiser not telling us? Point out how advertising often makes people feel that something is missing from their lives, like fun, relaxation, being loved, and so on.

Say something when you see an offensive ad. Some ads are sexist or stereotypical. Some make outrageous claims (and then try to bury pertinent information in small print). Talk about this when you see it so your kids can learn that not all advertising is helpful.
One day, do an advertising count. See how many ads you and your kids notice as you follow your daily routine. Keep a running total but also point out all the places where you may overlook advertising, such as hearing an announcement broadcast about a sale when you’re at a store, or an ad that accompanies a bill or statement you get in the mail.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Talk about how advertising appeals to our emotions. Kids at this age often worry about their appearance and how others treat them, so they’re very susceptible to advertising that tries to alleviate their worries. With your kids, identify the emotions and the possible “cure-all” that the advertisement may be promoting.

Encourage kids to slow down their spending. Advertising wants us to buy something right away. Have kids think about what they want to buy and why. Then have them wait a day or two (or longer if it’s a large purchase) before spending the money. Talk about how much easier it is to spend money than to earn money.
Have your kids explore PBS’s “Don’t Buy It.” Web site, which teaches them to become more media savvy about advertising.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Tell your teenager about a time when you spent money because of an advertisement, and it turned out to be a bad investment. If you remember the emotion the advertisement was appealing to, point that out as well. We’ve all had times when we thought shopping would lift our spirits or a product would have some type of magical effect.
Introduce your teenager to the publication Consumer Reports, which your local library should have. Start by opening up to the back and looking at the index of items. The November issue is generally a popular one with older teenagers since it usually explores the latest technological gadgets, such as cell phones, mp3 players, digital cameras, and so on. Find an item that your teenager is interested in and read the article together to find out what the scientists at Consumer Reports have to say. Or visit the Consumer Reports Web site.
Together look for spot product placement in video games, movies, TV shows, and on the Internet. It’s not coincidence when a character wears a branded shirt or drinks a branded soft drink or uses a branded computer. Talk about what you see and how that character can influence how you feel about a product.
The PBS show Frontline did a report on how advertising affects teenagers. Check out the results on the PBS Web site.

Helping Kids Discover What They Love to Do

2008-10-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

“Sparks are the hidden flames in your kids that light their proverbial fire, get them excited, tap into their true passions.”—Peter Benson, author of Sparks: How Parents Can Help Ignite the Hidden Strengths of Teenagers

If you were to name the one or two things that really get your child excited, that get your child ready to jump out of bed in the morning, what would those things be? For one child, it might be running outside to kick a soccer ball. For another, it might be making up a fantastical story. Someone else might love to tinker with a computer. Every child has at least one unique, worthy, and passionate interest or talent. Search Institute calls this passionate interest or talent an individual’s “spark.” Everyone has a spark inside—a spark that is good and important. Helping kids find and develop their talents and interests is about helping them become the best that they can be. Helping to ignite the sparks within our children will allow them reach their full potential and contribute to making the world a better place for us all.

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For all parents

Learn more about sparks. Search Institute has done extensive research on the topic and has also created practical ideas on how to identify and nurture your child’s spark. Start at www.ignitesparks.org.

Begin talking about your child’s natural interests and talents. Every family member has a spark—or a set of sparks. Discuss what yours are and how they give meaning to your life. Ask other family members about their sparks and how they’re going. Make “sparks” a common conversation starter.

Be careful not to push your kids. Your job as a parent is to provide lots of opportunities and support for your kids. Assist, don’t direct, in this process.
Get to know other individuals who are pursuing their passionate interests and talents. Sometimes, it’s helpful to find people who have a similar spark to yours. Other times, you can learn a lot from people who have a spark that’s different, and you see how everyone shares similar ups, downs, and discoveries along their spark journey.
Support and encourage the sparks of your kids—and other people’s kids. Some people do this by becoming an assistant coach, a club leader, or just by asking kids how their sparks are going when they see them.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Notice what your young child gravitates toward. Is it building with blocks? Paging through picture books and making up stories? Dressing stuffed animals? Making your living room into a jungle gym and climbing over everything? These activities all give hints to what your child’s interests and natural abilities are.
Create a daily routine that gives your young child structure but also allows for creativity to explore new things. For example, do an art activity, something physical, a story activity, and an outdoor activity every day. These can be simple, such as taking a walk to find bugs in the summer and stop signs in the winter. Pay attention to what gets your child excited.
As young children grow, their interests can change. Make room for that. If they were in constant motion at age 2 and then want to do lots of art at age 3, follow their interests and don’t worry about the changes. These changes can be typical for some kids.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Continue to expose your children to new things so they can continue to explore new potential sparks. For example, visit different types of museums in your area—a train museum, a children’s museum, an art museum, a science museum, and a history museum.

Give your children options for sports and arts activities. Sign up for one or two that interest them the most. Then have them stick it out for the duration of the scheduled season or activity and see what develops.
If kids want to quit an activity, talk about their feelings and why they feel the way they do. Affirm their feelings but also teach kids that it’s important to stick with things, even if it’s for only eight sessions.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Don’t be surprised if your child begins to drop activities they’ve been doing for years. This is common for some young teenagers because of puberty and the rapid changes in their brains. For more information about this, see the book Magic Trees of the Mind by Marian Diamond, Ph.D.
If your child does want to drop an activity, tell him he can do so only if he finds a replacement. This is an important boundary that also empowers kids to choose something new. Because of the changes going on in their brains, it’s tempting for many kids to drop activities yet be too self-conscious to add new ones. Reassure your kids, but be firm about having them find a replacement.
Continue to emphasize the importance of practicing and sticking with things, even when they get hard or boring. For example, tell your child she needs to practice her instrument 30 minutes a day before she can have computer or friend time.
Support your kids’ sparks by attending their concerts, games, and other events. Tell your kids that you’re proud of them and of the progress they’re making.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Make it a habit to check in with your teenager about his spark on a regular basis (such as once a week or once a month, depending on what the spark is). Ask your teenager where he is with his talents and interests. Is he excited? Has he hit some obstacles? What difficulty has he just worked through? Who supports him best?
Thank the adults who support and nurture your teenager’s spark. Send them a card or an email and tell them how much you appreciate what they do.
Continue to nurture your talents and interests as well. Teenagers not only learn about living the spark-driven life by experience, but also by observing the adults around them. Set a good example. When your journey isn’t going well, talk about it and how you’re dealing with the difficulty.
Celebrate when your teenager hits significant milestones with her spark. For example, your teenager may be recognized at school or in the community newspaper. Or the milestone may be more personal, such as putting in 100 hours of volunteer work at the animal shelter. All these milestones are momentous and are important to recognize.

Get More Spark Ideas!
Sparks: How Parents Can Help Ignite the Hidden Strengths of Teenagers by Peter Benson, president of Search Institute, includes thought-provoking research results on sparks and practical ways to discover and nurture your teenagers sparks.

Visit MVParents.com and read more about Sparks: Bringing Out the Best in Kids, our newest Parenting Matters resource.

Voting: An Asset-Building Approach

2008-10-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

“It’s not the hand that signs the laws that holds the destiny of America. It’s the hand that casts the ballot.”—Harry S. Truman, 33rd president of the United States

On Election Day, we go to the polls to vote for the people who will lead our country, our states, and our communities. Although only adults can vote, you can include your kids in ways that help them become engaged citizens who can’t wait to vote when they turn 18. Consider these ideas to make Election Day a family day.

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For all parents

Take your kids with you to the polls. Young children can often accompany parents into the polling both, and older kids will pick up a lot of the buzz by observing the process from a distance. Most polling places enjoy having kids come, and many make them feel right at home, even though they’re not old enough to vote.
If you’re comfortable talking about your political beliefs and choices, then talk about whom you are voting for and why. Explain what your hopes are for your country, your state, and your community. Then ask your kids for their opinions.
Learn more about voting and elections by visiting the government’s citizen guide.
Make Election Day a family day by watching the polling results and listening to what election forecasters have to say. Find a media source that you respect and pay attention to it.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

If your polling place gives out stickers that say, “I voted,” give your sticker to your child (or ask one of the organizers if your child can have a sticker of her own). Most young children love wearing stickers, and many will proudly say, “I voted!” even though they’re not old enough to do so.
Find a photograph of the president in a book, on the Internet, or in a magazine and show it to your child. Talk about how the president is the leader of country. Even if you’re not a fan of the president, getting your child familiar with idea and the person will help him become more engaged in the process as he grows.

Declare Election Day as red, white, and blue day and wear those colors. Make flag pictures together to hang on the refrigerator. Serve something red (strawberries), white (potatoes), and blue (blueberries) for a meal.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Talk simply about Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. Children at this age often become fascinated by the animal that represents a political party, such as the donkey and the elephant. If you’re interested in another political party (such as the Green Party) talk about that one instead of the Independents to keep the explanation simpler.

Have your child (and other family members) vote for a leader at home. Create a ballot box and give only two or three choices. Design the ballot with pictures of those running for office. Don’t be surprised if your child picks someone based solely on “how nice” she looks. That’s okay at this age. Have someone tally the votes.
Make the political process fun, even though it is serious business. Keep your strong opinions for adult conversations. You don’t want to turn your kids off to the process if you get overly emotional.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

As a family, research those running for office. Ask your kids to do research through the Internet and see what they find. Talk about what you’ve learned.
Begin introducing the idea of political platforms and issues to your child. Together, learn which candidates advocate for which issues—and which issues are important to you and why. Get your kids’ opinions about important issues as well.
Bring your child with you to a political caucus or primary. You don’t need to stay long to give your child a sense of what happens at these political events.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Encourage your teenager to get involved in the political process at school. Many high schools have political parties, debates, and straw votes during election time. Find out how the student body voted—and what your teenager thought of the results.
Help your teenager register to vote when he turns 18. If you’re not sure how to register in your area, visit Project Vote. If your teen still lives with you, take him to the first voting election.
Talk with your teenager about the contradictions and the political process. For example, some people question how a candidate can talk about “family values” after having an affair. Honor your teenager’s growing sophistication and maturity by not shying away from how politics can get mean or incoherent. Talk about why that happens.
Have family discussions about candidates and the issues. Talk about why it’s important for family members to vote and be politically active.

Making Time for Family Time

2008-10-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

“The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.”—George Santayana, American philosopher

American pianist Michael Levine says, “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” To be an asset-building parent and an asset-building family, you need to spend time together as a family. A number of families have found creative ways to do this so that they can connect in meaningful, positive ways. Consider some of these ideas.

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For all parents

Designate a regular family time as part of your routine. Some families have a weekly family night. Others have a monthly family outing. Others have a daily family check-in during dinner or before bed. Figure out a routine that works for you and your family.

Have fun together. Do activities that make you laugh, and enjoy being together. Some families play sports together. Others tell knock-knock jokes. Others have tickle fests.
Get your kids’ input on how to spend family time. You may be surprised to learn that they want your family to get out more—or stay home more. Kids often have good ideas.
If you attend a congregation, go to worship services together as a family. Participate in family-friendly congregational events, such as family volunteering.
Eat meals together as a family. For discussion starters, visit Make Mealtime Family Time.
Your family often will bond more if you can get out of the house and do something together where you don’t know other people. Take a trip to another city, suburb, or county and discover what’s there. Go to a sporting event, a museum, or a play.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Choose short activities that your children enjoy doing. Spend family time at a playground, a park, or at the library.
Get down on the floor and hang out with your child. Ask your child what he or she wants to play and join in.
Keep family time stress-free by following a routine where family members get enough rest, alone time, and together time. Parenting young children can be intense and exhausting, so pacing yourself is essential to enjoying each other’s company more.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Continue to expand your child’s world by visiting places as a family that your child has never seen before, such as a train depot, a radio station, or a park where people go canoeing and kayaking.
Encourage your kids to make up new rules for familiar games. Kids at this age love creating new twists on old favorites.
Do something active together. It’s too easy to have a weekly family TV night where you watch a show together. Mix it up. Play hopscotch outside. Go for a bike ride. Go swimming at a local pool. For more ideas on how to be active together, check out these Family Time Activities.
Sometimes include grandparents and other extended family members in your family time. Show how your family includes not only your nuclear family but your extended family as well.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Follow your child’s interests and do family activities around what they want to do. (Take turns between family members so that you’re not doing the same thing over and over.) Some young teenagers enjoy sports, art, music, or visiting a certain store. As kids get older, they hear about places and activities from their friends that they’d like to explore.
Encourage your child to invite a friend when your child begins to resist spending time with your family. Expand your family to include friends.
Kids at this age sometimes get interested in activities such as cooking, gardening, tinkering with a car, and woodworking. Teach them the skills they’re interested in and do these activities together as a family.

Consider getting the resource: Conversations on the Go: Clever Questions to Keep Teens and Grown-Ups Talking.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Continue to invite your teenager to family activities, but don’t expect them to attend every one. In some cultures, teenagers are becoming more individualistic, and it’s important not to stifle their independence. If your culture encourages a strong sense of community, be aware that the mainstream culture may cause conflict with your own traditions, making your teenager question what it means to be part of a family.
Help your teenager find and nurture the balance between self-interest and family interest. For example, if your teenager refuses to participate in many family activities, be clear that certain family times are non-negotiable, such as attending certain holidays, the birthdays of family members, or some other activity like a wedding or funeral of an extended family member. Teenagers grow by following their own interests and by participating in family activities and traditions.
Ask your teenager what he or she wishes your family would do together. You may be surprised at what your teenager suggests. One teenager surprised his family by saying he had always wanted to go on an archaeological dig, so the family planned an outing together and had a great time—even though no one had ever gone on a dig before.

When You Don’t Like Your Child’s Friend

2008-10-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

“Worry is the darkroom in which negatives are developed.”—Anonymous

You hate to admit it, but your child has a friend you don’t like. Sometimes your dislike is based on something small, such as an annoying habit or quirk. But sometimes, your dislike is based on a major reason for concern, and you’re worried that your child’s friend will influence him or her in ways you don’t like. It’s not unusual for you not to like all of your kid’s friends. In fact, as kids grow, they’ll befriend all kinds of people. Here’s how to handle this situation.

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For all parents

Know that only your kids can pick their friends. You can create opportunities for them to hang out with certain kids (especially when they’re younger), but your kids will be drawn to some people over others. It’s important to allow and respect that.
If your child chooses a friend you don’t like, get to know that friend. Invite that friend over to your home so that you can learn more about him or her and monitor the situation a bit.
If possible, get to know the friend’s parents in some way.
Identity what bothers you about the friend. Is the friend bringing out an aspect in your child you don’t like (such as being more independent)? Does the friend remind you of a negative experience you’ve had in the past? Or is it a feeling that you can’t name yet? Become more aware of the specifics of what bothers you.

Ask your child what he or she likes about this friend. (But be careful not to express your disapproval too strongly, since sometimes that will strengthen a friendship based on rebellion.) Discern what the attraction is to your child.
Be a strong, positive influence on your child, particularly when you believe that a friend is a negative influence. Have your child spend time with other caring adults who are also positive influences. Try to counterbalance the negative with the positive.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Don’t be surprised if most young children under the age of 3 ignore other children. This is developmentally common, and it’s no cause for concern.
As preschool children become more aware of other children and begin playing with them, some will develop strong preferences for certain kids while others will play with anybody. Both can happen, and both are normal.
Some preschoolers have imaginary friends in addition to real friends, and some play only with imaginary friends. Ask your child for the imaginary friend’s name, and get to know that imaginary friend through your child. Take imaginary friends seriously, since they’re important to your child. If your child starts to use an imaginary friend as an excuse for bad behavior, be clear that all children, including imaginary ones, need to follow the rules.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

A lot of children during this age are very concerned about the “goodness” and “badness” of others. Many are quick to tattle on each other, and some can say downright mean things to each other. Be clear about what’s acceptable and what’s not, and remember that children are still learning what it means to be a friend.
Bullying can be a problem at this age, and it’s important to intervene immediately and help all kids (bullies, victims, and other kids) learn how to get along, how to resolve conflicts peacefully, and how not to label each other so that a “bully,” “tattle tale,” or “victim” label sticks for the rest of their lives.
Notice your child’s friendship patterns. Some children always seem to have a group of friends. Some constantly change friends. Some have one or two close friends. This all depends on their personality and whether kids are introverted and prefer one or two close friends or extroverted and prefer lots of friends. A helpful book is Nurture by Nature by Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Be aware that friendships can shift dramatically during this age period, particularly if your child had a lot of friends of the opposite sex. (Kids at this age tend to befriend kids of their own gender.)
Friendships can become intense and all-consuming at this age. Your child can constantly be on the phone, text messaging others, and wanting to be running with friends. Monitor their friendships and make observations if you have concerns. For example, if your child is drawn to a child who has no boundaries, say, “It seems fun to have a friend who gets to do anything. I understand that. But I also worry, because your friend is always well during the weekend but then misses school two days a week because of not getting any sleep on the weekend. Friends are important, but so is school.”
Don’t pry, but create an atmosphere of openness for your young teen. They need to figure out where they fit with friends and other peers, but invite them to come to you when they get overwhelmed or stuck.
Continue to be aware for bullying and meanness. As kids go through puberty and become more aware of their sexuality, kids can become vulgar toward each other. Walk the fine line between letting them work out their own problems but also be ready to intervene if they get in over their heads.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

A teenager falling in love can be upsetting and worrisome to parents, especially if the relationship is intense and moves fast. Teenagers sometimes ignore all their other friends just to spend every moment with the person they’re dating. Acknowledge and respect the love that they feel, but talk about how it’s important to maintain other friendships as well.
Talk to your teenager about what their friends are doing in terms of drinking, using drugs, doing pranks, and other activities. This can be a difficult age, particularly if your teenager wants to fit in with a group that requires questionable activities. Offer alternatives. Some teenagers can attend parties where alcohol is served, but not drink. Others find that too tempting. Keep the conversation open and inviting so that your teenager doesn’t feel judged.

Even though your teenager is separating from you, talk with your teenager when you have concerns about a friend. Read the article When You Don’t Like Your Kid’s Friends that highlights when to step in (and when to stand back).
Invite your teenager’s friends over often and get to know them by name. You’ll see most of them as they zip past you to your teenager’s room, but greet them as they scurry by and tell them how glad you are to see them (even if you have mixed or negative feelings about them).

Helping Your Child Get into the School Spirit

2008-10-01T10:38:00.000-07:00

“Foster a sense of community among students.”—Alfie Kohn, American education expert

We want our kids to enjoy going to school (or child care). We want them to learn, to find friends, and to be excited about what happens at school. One of the best ways to foster a deep attachment to school is to help your child get into the school spirit. Here’s how.

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For all parents

First find out what your child thinks about school. Some don’t feel comfortable with their school, while others get upset about certain aspects of it. Learn more about these issues. See what you can address. Help your child feel more at home at school before you encourage “school spirit.”

Every school and child care center has a spirit to it, and teachers and students who enjoy being there create that spirit. Find out what your child enjoys about school. Even if it’s only lunch and recess, emphasize that. Lunch and recess are important social times, and having friends at school makes it more inviting to attend.
Talk about what you admire about your child’s school or child care center. For example, point out the caring, interesting teachers. Or the first-class orchestra. Or the top-notch swimming team, the resourceful media center, the rich diversity of the student body, or the many after-school activities offered. Sometimes your child may take these aspects of school for granted. Help your kids notice what makes their school unique.
Attend school events. Cheer on school teams. Admire the art made by the students that the school displays. Go to concerts and performances. Attend these school events with your child—or go to see your child in action.
Purchase school attire and other items. If your school doesn’t offer these items, consider checking out the School Spirit Store.
Find out if your child’s school has certain school colors and a mascot. Young children often get excited about the school mascot (particularly if it’s an animal), and you can all wear school colors to show your school spirit.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Child care centers and preschools often offer periodic parent and family activities. Attend these as often as possible. Your child (and you) are more likely to bond to a child care center or preschool if you know other adults and children there.
If your child care center or preschool offers T-shirts for sale (or other items), buy them if you can. Children often are proud to wear T-shirts from their school, and they can be conversation starters for other people who see your child wearing them.
Consider getting involved in a child care center or preschool parent board (or if your center doesn’t have one, see if you can start it). These boards often generate excitement by creating projects that help the school, such as building a playground (or buying new equipment for one) or recruiting elderly people to come in a read aloud picture books to the children (or rock the babies). Check out School Spirit Ideas if your school is looking for creative ideas.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Take a photo of your child in front of his or her school. Also consider taking a picture of your child with his or her teacher. Make an extra copy and have your child hang these photos in his or her room.
If your child’s school has a playground, go there on the weekends (and in the summer) so that your child can play. This also helps your child get more into the school spirit and feel more home at school.
Some schools have T-shirts, pencils, folders, or notebooks with their school name on them. Make a big deal of these items. Treat them with care, and encourage your child to use them often.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

At this age, kids start to become more aware of the high school colors. If you can afford them, invest in school shirts that your kids are excited to wear (hooded sweatshirts are often popular, as are pajama bottoms in school colors). Another idea is to buy shoes laces in school colors, which you can often find at arts and crafts stores or through the school, or if you know someone who enjoys knitting or crocheting, ask him or her to make a school scarf for your child in school colors.
Continue to attend talent shows, concerts, games, and other school events, even if your child doesn’t want you to come. You can be in the background and not make a big deal, but kids do notice your support and your presence.
Encourage your child to participate in before- or after-school activities. Sometimes these are not well publicized, so check with your school office for opportunities.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

School events often cost money, so consider creating a budget for your teen to attend theater performances, varsity games, and concerts. Although they typically aren’t too expensive, your teen most likely won’t attend them if they’re expected to pay. But many are happy to attend (and go with their friends) if you pay. If your teen enjoys a particular sport, such as varsity soccer or varsity football, find out if there is a season pass, which is often cheaper that paying by the game.
Learn your school’s fight song. When you attend school events, sing along!
Although school yearbooks, letter jackets, school dances, sweatshirts, and school rings can get expensive, they’re also important symbols that show teenagers’ pride in their school. Again, you don’t have to spend lots of money, but at least consider investing in the annual yearbook—or figuring out inexpensive ways for them to go to a dance. Or go to the arts and crafts store and buy inexpensive, plain T-shirts in the colors of your school.

Subscribe to the school newspaper and/or the community newspaper and keep on top of the school news—or visit your local library and check out the latest issue for free. Then initiate conversations with your teenagers about what’s going on at school. They’re more likely to talk if you ask specific questions about specific topics, rather than asking the general, overused question, “How’s school?”
Celebrate the times when your teen’s school is doing well, such as during sports championships, state music festivals, or even when your kids just have fun, such as at the homecoming dance or prom. You don’t have to go overboard, but teens notice when you’re proud of their school.

Getting to Know Your Child’s Friends

2008-09-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

“All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them.”—Earvin “Magic” Johnson, American professional basketball player

Who are your child’s friends? What do you know about them? Getting to know your child’s friends not only helps you know more about your child, but it also helps you become an asset builder for more kids. You don’t need much time. You don’t need any money. The little things you do to get to know your child’s friends can make a big difference in their lives. Here’s how.

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For all parents

Learn the names of all of your child’s friends. You may even want to consider creating a notebook with the information (particularly if your child has a lot of friends). Some asset-building parents keep a notebook that not only lists their child’s friends but also the names of the parents (along with phone numbers, e-mail addresses, or an address). This information is particularly helpful as kids become teenagers because then you can more easily touch base with parents when kids are out and about.
Make your home a welcoming place for your child’s friends. Greet them by name. Smile and make eye contact with them. (Even if it’s the only time you see them.) Consider having activities that make your home “the place” to be. Some parents have a video-game console. Others stock their cupboards with treats. Some parents enjoy hosting parties. Others like to do projects with kids. Still others put up a basketball hoop so that kids can play games together.

When you attend games, concerts, and performances, congratulate your child first afterward but also make it a point to say hello to other kids.
Learn how to start meaningful conversations with kids by downloading the free two-page Conversation Starters for Groups of Parents (under Grading Grown-Ups 2002) on Search Institute’s Web site.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

If your child is in preschool or a child-care center, spend a few minutes with your child and the other children around drop-off or pick-up times. Get down on the floor (or sit at their tables). Say hello to the other children.
Smile at young children whenever you see them. Get to know the names of the children of your neighbors, extended family, and employees. Say hi to these children and call them by name whenever you see them.
Read young children’s faces for cues about how to act around them. (Some are very shy, and others may have had a hard day.) Interact with young children in ways that make them draw closer to you. Change what you’re doing if young children pull away or frown.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Find out the names of children your child meets at school. Invite one child over to your home at a time. At first, have activities planned during the playtime (in case the children discover that they don’t know what to do or find themselves squabbling). As children get older, they often become more independent in their play.

Attend school events whenever possible. Ask your child to introduce you to their friends. Spend a few moments asking their friends questions such as: What do you love to play? What’s your favorite sport? What’s your favorite book?

Consider creating birthday parties that help kids get to know each other—and also help you get to know them. Plan some get-to-know-you games, like games from the book Great Group Games.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

At this age, your kids may not like to spend much family time, so ask them to invite a friend to family activities and family getaways. This often makes family reunions and family activities more appealing.
During the spring or summer, have your child and his or her friends plant a vegetable, herb, or flower garden in your yard or in a community garden. Offer to help out along the way. (Kids at this age are often most interested in the beginning steps of planting and later steps of harvesting but not much in between.) Projects such as these help kids get to know each other (while you also get to know them) and also helps them feel proud of what they’ve accomplished.

Monitor how your child reacts to you getting to know their friends. Some are okay with you getting to know their friends’ names, but they may not be too happy if you become overly friendly with them.
If you don’t like one or more of your child’s friends, distinguish between your preferences and areas of concern. (We all have people we prefer to be with, and the same is true with our child’s friends.) If you are concerned about one of your child’s friends (because the friend cuts class or uses drugs), say that your preference is not to be friends with people who can get you into trouble, and you want your child to use the same guideline that you do.

Friendships sometimes can shift during this age as children move up to different schools. Continue to get to know their friends as these friendships change and emerge.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Continue to greet your teenager’s friends and ask them how they are. Some will be quite talkative, so make time to listen to what they have to say.

If you see one of your teenager’s friends when you’re shopping or out in the community, go out of your way to say hello. Many appreciate the connection, especially if you notice what they’re doing. (Many older teenagers work and enjoy seeing someone who knows them.)

Create a relaxed, home environment so that teenagers enjoy coming to your home. Some parents stock the refrigerator with juices and soda pop. Others always have a fresh loaf of banana bread out. Teenagers love to eat, and they’re more likely to talk when they have something to eat.

School Buses: Creating Better, Safer Rides

2008-09-17T11:37:00.000-07:00

“Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with a half of a dozen lions—everyone but a school bus driver.”—Dr. Laurence J. Peter, American educator

Many kids get to and from school by riding a school bus, and that journey can determine how your child’s day begins—and ends. A number of communities have made the bus ride an asset-building experience, and as a parent, you also can make the experience better and safer with these ideas.

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For all parents

Tell your children that riding a school bus is a privilege, not a right. The way they act on the school bus is important. They need to respect the bus driver and other riders, and they also need to follow the rules to ensure a safe ride.
Model and talk about school bus safety. When you see a school bus, follow the rules by not driving around a bus. Give children time to enter and disembark safely. Visit the Web site, The School Bus Rules, for tips on school bus rules for parents.
Find out if your school district has a list of bus rules or a student-parent-bus contract for everyone to sign. When everyone knows the rules, it’s easier to follow them and expect others to follow them as well.
Be aware that the bus ride is one of the primary places for teasing and bullying. Find out how the school deals with bullying prevention on the bus in terms of expectations for behavior, the consequences for violations, and the training and support bus drivers get. Tell your child that he should not feel intimidated on the bus, and to come to you if that happens.
Know your child’s route to the bus stop. Practice walking it with your child before the first day of school so that your child knows it well.
Get to know your child’s bus driver. Introduce yourself on the first day of school and ask the driver for her name. When you see the bus driver, greet her by name, smile, and say how much you appreciate the work she does.
Celebrate National School Bus Safety Week in the third week of October each year. For more information, check out National Association for Pupil Transportation.
If possible, try to have at least one adult in your neighborhood stationed at the bus stop while children wait. If there are a lot of working parents, see if you can take turns to ensure there’s an adult to keep an eye on kids at the bus stop.
On the last day of school, go out of your way to thank the bus driver. If you feel it’s appropriate, have your child make a thank-you card to give to the driver.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Some preschools and child care centers now have pick-up vans and small buses for transportation. If this is the case for your child, be clear that your child needs to sit in his seat at all times when on the bus.
If your child has never ridden a bus, consider taking an excursion together on a city bus or on some type of mass transit. Talk about how the bus (or subway) helps people to get where they are going just like a car does.

Keep reminding children to sit down as the bus moves. Many hop up when they see something interesting outside the window and can easily fall as the bus moves or turns.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Show your child the danger zone of a bus (which is about 10 feet around the outside of the entire bus). Explain how most accidents happen in this danger zone, which is why it’s important to be especially careful in this area and to get out of the danger zone as quickly as possible.
If your child is afraid to ride the bus at first, consider riding the bus with your child. Or set up a time to volunteer at the school and accompany your child on the bus.
Explain that the bus driver is like a teacher. It’s important for your child to listen and do what the driver says.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Kids at this age can get a bit rowdy on the bus. Continue to emphasize that they shouldn’t create unsafe conditions by being too noisy or moving around.
Encourage your child to get to know the bus driver. Talk about how it’s not easy to be a bus driver, and your child can make a bus driver’s day by saying hello to her.
If your child needs to bring a bulky item to school (such as a school project or a tuba or a double bass), consider giving your child a ride. Taking large items on the bus is not easy, especially if the bus has a lot of kids (which most do now because of budget cuts).

Some kids enjoy riding the bus home with a friend. If your child wants to do this, check with the school office about what you need to do to make this happen. Some teachers or schools require a permission slip from a parent.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Some teenagers (especially those with cars) make fun of other teenagers who have to ride the school bus. Be clear that this is not acceptable. Many teenagers need to ride a bus to get to school, and one type of transportation is not better than another. In fact, point out how bus riders don’t have to pay for gas, car maintenance, or car insurance.
Find out if your school requires teenagers to ride a bus to certain off-campus events, such as a college fair, a school dance, or a state tournament. Find out when buses are to leave and when they will return so that you know what to expect.
If your teenager’s bus also picks up younger children, encourage your teenager to be kind and helpful to the other riders. Encourage them to greet and get to know the younger children, since many are terrified to ride a bus with so many “big kids.”

Getting Your Child Excited about the Arts

2008-09-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

“All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”—Pablo Picasso, Spanish painter

Kids often line up in one or two camps when it comes to the arts: either they’re interested, or they’re not. Or, they think they’re either an artist or not. Yet all kids are artists, and art can be interesting—once your child discovers the type of art that excites him or her. Research from Developmental Assets: A Synthesis of the Scientific Research on Adolescent Development shows that kids who are involved in the arts tend to achieve more at school, have higher self-esteem, are more creative, and are more self-motivated. In essence, the arts are a key way to help your child succeed. Get your child more interested in the arts with these ideas.

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For all parents

Incorporate art into your lifestyle. Even if you don’t consider yourself an artist, note how you have an eye for art. It may be through cooking, decorating, the clothes you wear, or in another activity. Art is much broader than just doing art projects.
When you notice that something is beautiful or artistically pleasing, talk about. For example, maybe you like the architectural design of the community center, or the color combination of the school walls. Or a photograph, painting, or drawing captures your eye. Ask your child what he or she finds beautiful. To become more aware of everyday beauty, visit the blog – One Year of Beauty.
Attend art showings at your child’s school, in your community, and in your congregation. Many coffee shops now display art, as do city and county halls, community centers, congregations, and local businesses. Many schools and communities are now recognizing local artists through art events and displays.
Examine art from other cultures, such as madhubani folk art from India, pysanky eggs from the Ukraine, or West African masks. Try creating an art form from another culture—or one from your culture.
Do art with your child. Even if it’s just finger-painting, coloring, or doing an art project, make art together. For art activities, visit Art Kids Rule!.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Make art part of your daily routine. Create opportunities for your child to paint. Draw. Color. Scribble. Create objects out of Play Dough^®.
Check out a picture book with beautiful illustrations. Talk about the art you enjoy. Ask your child which pictures he or she likes.
Visit children’s museums. Many of these are hands-on activity museums, but they expose children to art as well as activity.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

See if your child is interested in taking an art or craft class. Community centers and nature centers often offer one-time or short-term arts and crafts activities for kids.
Post your child’s school art on your wall. Consider framing ones you especially like. You don’t need to invest much for a frame—many arts and crafts stores sell inexpensive frames that you can use over and over.
Spend time together with the comics section of your Sunday newspaper. Ask your child which comics he or she likes best and why. Point out the different art styles. Consider having your child create a comic strip for fun.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

See if your child is interested in any of the manga or anime arts that are often popular with kids this age. (You can usually find them in the graphic novel section of your library of bookstore.) Some kids enjoy drawing this type of art, others enjoy trying to create costumes or hairstyles of the characters.
If your child dislikes art, consider that it may be because he or she hasn’t discovered an art style that excites him or her. Many kids at this age enjoy cartooning or making jewelry. Keep introducing your child to different art styles.
See what your child thinks of the technological arts, such as computer art, digital photography, videography, architectural drafting, or mechanical arts. Because many kids at this age enjoy technology, they may get interested in art through technological media.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

For a family outing, visit a museum and look at the art. Also watch for special art exhibits that come to town, such as those that feature a specific artist or art movement.
If your teen enjoys art and is good at it, consider suggesting that he or she create an art exhibit for his or her senior year in high school. Or see if your teen is interested in selling art, or in submitting something to an art competition called Teen Ink Magazine. It is a publication devoted to publishing teen art and writing nationwide. For more information, visit Teen Ink and click on Magazine Edition.

Fill your house with art, whether it’s inexpensive art that you find at garage sales or professional art. Having art in your home shows teenagers how much you value it.
Build Developmental Assets by commissioning your teenager (and other kids) to create art for you to display in your home. Author Louise Erdrich says her father paid her a nickel for every story she wrote when she was a child, and she says this built her confidence in her ability to write and to get paid for it.

Creating an Ideal Homework Center

2008-09-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

“Study from new books but from old teachers.”—Turkish proverb

Homework. Most kids complain about it, but kids who learn the skills to get their schoolwork done are much more likely to succeed in school. In Developmental Assets: A Synthesis of the Scientific Research on Adolescent Development, Search Institute research revealed that time spent on homework is associated with higher test scores, higher grades, improved scientific literacy, fewer behavior problems, and less marijuana use. You can help your child succeed by creating an ideal homework center in your home.

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For all parents

With your child, locate a place in your home where your child can do homework each evening. This may be a desk, but it also may be the kitchen table.
Together buy homework supplies. It’s better to have too many than not enough. (You don’t want a lack of pencils to become an excuse.) You don’t need to spend much money, but it’s helpful to have pencils, paper, a folder (or organizer to keep track of the homework), and erasers.

If your child does not get a homework organizer from your school, create or buy one. Your child won’t be able to do homework if he or she doesn’t know what the assignments are. Getting organized and getting in the habit of tracking daily (and long-term) homework is a key skill to build in your child.

What’s most important in your child doing homework well is not so much the amount he or she has, but how accurately homework is completed, the quality of homework your child has, and the thinking skills involved.
Get more homework tips from the book How to Help Your Child with Homework by Jeanne Shay Schumm, Ph.D.
Try to be present during your child’s homework times, especially when they’re younger. Sit next to them and offer to help them. Or if you have bills to pay, work you need to do from your job, or some other project, do it while your child is doing homework. Talk about how everyone has homework—even adults. Your modeling teaches your child a lot about the importance and value of homework.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Read aloud to your child every day—throughout the day. Although young children do not typically get “homework” (and developmentally, they shouldn’t), you can help keep them curious and learning by reading interesting picture books.
Do something intellectually stimulating with your child every day. Go for a color walk where you look for specific colors, such as red, yellow, or blue. Bring in a snowball, or use an ice cube, and place it in a bowl for your child to see what happens as it melts. Visit a children’s museum.
Remember to emphasize all parts of learning, not just memorization. Give kids time to practice cutting with child-size scissors, stringing large beads, drawing with crayons (or washable markers), jumping, running, and playing with other children. The kids who are most ready for kindergarten have been practicing all their skills: intellectual, social, emotional, and physical.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Attend back-to-school events and open houses at the beginning of the year to learn what teachers expect for homework. Getting on the same page with the teacher right away will help you know how to support your child in getting homework done.
When your child does not have homework, have your child do a different type of learning so that he or she gets used to learning something extra every day. This can be as simple as reading a book or researching together on the Internet to learn why birds fly south for the winter, or trying a new element of art, such as drawing a portrait of your family pet. A helpful Web site for ideas is HomeworkSpot.

Whenever you help your child with homework, be sure that your child is doing the homework (and you are not). Your role is to ask questions, give examples, and assist your child in learning concepts, not give them the answers.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

At this age, kids often throw out the homework skills they’ve mastered. Unfortunately, too many try to throw out homework all together. Be firm that homework still needs to be done. If your child wants to do homework in front of the TV while listening to an MP3 player, allow it as long as your child completes homework well and does well in school. If grades start to slip, set new rules where your child needs to focus more on homework and less on other distractions.

Negotiate times for your child to do his or her homework. Some want a break after school. If so, set a time limit. You may also need to set limits on other things as well to ensure that your child is getting homework done—and done well.
Keep in touch with teachers about your child’s progress in school. Many schools now have Internet portals where you can access your child’s grades, assignments, attendance, and tardies. If so, check this weekly (if your child is doing well) or daily (if your child starts to slip).

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

By this age, your teenager should have strong homework skills if you’ve been building them from an early age. However, some slip and others haven’t mastered certain skills. The biggest skill that many older teenagers often need is how to spread out long-term projects and how to study for major exams (such as the ACT, the SAT, AP and IB exams, and final exams). Pull out a calendar if your teen has trouble with this skill and have him or her break down these projects and test preparation into week-by-week (or day-by-day) chunks.
Continue to offer your assistance for homework, but be clear about what you will and will not do. (Some parents end up pulling all nighters with their procrastinating teenager to help him or her get a project done.) One of the most helpful ways you can provide assistance is to proof papers and college essays. But work with your teenager to build in extra time for your feedback, in case you discover that the paper needs a heavy rewrite and not just a correction of a few typographical errors.

Talk with high school counselors and teachers to create an academic schedule for your teenager from ninth to twelfth grade that challenges your teenager and deepens his or her skills. You want to keep your teenager growing (without boring or placing too much pressure on your teenager) so that he or she gradually masters skills to take the next step after high school.

Helping Kids Thrive on Routine

2008-08-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

“My only secret is that I always bear in mind what my father said: Do the smallest things in daily routine with enthusiasm and sincerity.”—Nerrisa Ng, artist

Whenever kids have time off, such as during the summer or the holidays, it’s easy for them to get out of a regular routine. All of their habits—from sleeping to eating to taking care of themselves—get out of whack. But routines are important to help kids thrive. Kids do better when they eat healthy foods at regular intervals, get enough sleep, get some physical activity, and know what to expect from their days. Routines help to ground them and give them a sense of security. Here are some ideas to helping kids understand the importance of everyday routines.

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For all parents^*

Talk about routines and why they’re important. For example, ask kids how they feel when they don’t get enough sleep: What happens the next day? Child and adolescent experts say that having a predictable routine is key to helping kids succeed. Routines involve getting up in the morning, getting dressed, eating meals and snacks, helping out at home, personal hygiene, taking medication for chronic conditions, getting ready for bed, and sleeping. Kids who live in homes that don’t have predictable routines often have a hard time making transitions from one activity to the next, taking care of themselves, and following the signals their bodies give them.
Model a lifestyle that has a predictable routine. What’s your morning routine? How often do you sit down for a meal? How many hours of sleep do you usually get? What are your kids learning from you?

Although routines are better if they’re predictable, also work to make them fun and creative. Have family members occasionally sit in a different place at the dinner table. Stick a note saying you’re thinking of your child in his or her lunchbox. When you’re doing a family chore together, occasionally take a break to dance to a fun song.

If you have joint custody, talk with your ex about daily routines for your kids. Try to create predictable routines that you both can agree on.
Whenever you (or your child) move from time off back to a regular routine, try easing back into it slowly. For example, start getting up 30 minutes earlier every day until you’re back at your usual schedule. It’s often easier to get up earlier than to try to go to bed when you’re not tired.
Encourage your child to help other family members with their daily routines, such as reading a book aloud to a sibling, calling a grandparent to wish him or her goodnight, or walking the dog.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Respond immediately to infants’ cries and meet their needs. By the time infants are three months old, many have established a daily rhythm. Sleeping through the night is one of the first boundaries you can set once children are physically able to do so.
Have your children participate in meaningful ways during regular routines. They can put out napkins and cups at dinner time, help pick up toys before you vacuum the floor, and choose books for bedtime reading.

As children get older, expect them to balk at daily routines. Some will refuse to eat during meals. Others will resist taking a bath. Try creative ideas to entice them to do these activities, such as getting down on the floor on all fours and having your child ride you like a camel to the bathtub.
If your child attends a child-care center or preschool, ask for a copy of the daily schedule. On weekends, try to follow it so your child knows when it’s naptime, lunchtime, and playtime.
Read aloud a picture book to your child every night before bed.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Don’t be surprised if children find the daily school routine exhausting at first. Many come home the first week—and even the first month—needing a nap. Let them incorporate a nap into their daily routine if they need to.
Continue talking about healthy eating habits during meals. As children get older, they often crave foods that are unhealthy. Set limits on unhealthy foods and don’t keep many in the house.

Even when your child starts to read, continue reading a book (or a chapter of a book) before bed. Give your child a choice: you read, he or she reads, or the two of you take turns.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Kids at this age start to resist many (if not all) aspects of daily routines. Be patient when they push the boundaries, but continue to be firm about why routines are important. For example say, “Getting a good night’s sleep helps you be more alert during the day.” “Getting exercise makes you healthy.” “Flossing your teeth helps prevent cavities.”
Be open about new hygiene routines that your child needs to adopt as he or she grows, such as using deodorant, shaving, brushing and flossing in new ways with braces, wearing headgears and retainers, and so on.
At this age, kids tend to push the boundaries with sleepovers. Don’t be surprised if they stay up all night. Be clear about what they can and cannot do during these sleepovers (such as staying in the house, not making noise to wake up others, and not calling friends after a certain time).

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

A number of teenagers easily get sick and some come down with mononucleosis because they get overly tired. If your teenager chronically goes to bed late, try these tips (from ParentingTeensOnline):
- Tell them there's a new policy in the house on bedtime and wake time
- Give them a week or so leeway to adjust to it
- Don't immediately drive them to school when they miss the bus
- Take away other privileges, like cell phones or Internet access if they refuse or won't comply
- Offer an incentive for consistently on-time behavior.
Learn to let go. Older teenagers are becoming more independent, and they’ll make choices about eating, sleeping, and how they spend their time. Talk about any concerns you have, but let them make their own choices. If their choices affect you, be clear about that. You can’t make a teenager eat with you or go to bed at a certain time, but you can say that it’s important that the only noise going on during meals is at the family table and that your home needs to be quiet for those sleeping between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. (or whatever time you set).
Monitor your teen’s health and encourage good health habits, such as eating right, having down time, and exercising. Although many teens throw out good health habits, keep modeling good health habits yourself. Invite your teenager to try new foods (or eat more fruits and vegetables). Encourage your teenager to join you for a family walk (or workout). Talk about why a regular routine helps individuals be at their best.

* Suggestions from Youth Community Connections: Minnesota Partners for Healthy Youth Development, www.youthcommunityconnections.org.

When Parenting Makes Your Head Spin!

2008-08-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children, and no theories. —Anonymous

Most parents agree: It doesn’t take much to occasionally feel overwhelmed as a parent. Your child can easily throw you off-kilter by raising issues you’re unprepared to tackle or acting in ways you weren’t expecting.

A 2002 Search Institute-YMCA parent survey, Building Strong Families, reveals that three out of four parents felt they were doing “less than great” as parents, and one in five said they were either doing “poorly” or “just okay.” All parents find themselves stymied by parenting at one time or another. Here’s how to keep a cool head when those times hit:

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For all parents

Know that you’re not alone: Even though parenting can be quite rewarding, many also say that it’s downright tough at times.
Resolve to develop (or deepen) your sense of humor. Kids come up with the craziest ideas. Instead of losing your temper when their ideas go awry, take a break, deal with the situation, and try to find a bit of humor in it. As one parent says, “At least my son didn’t burn down the garage!”

Get to know other parents. Make an effort to introduce yourself and learn new names when you’re present at your child’s activities. Strike up conversations about common parenting topics. Not all parents will be interested in sharing what their kids are doing, but you’ll find some who are willing to commiserate and problem-solve with you while creating a supportive network of like-minded parents.
It’s vital to network with other parents when you’re a single parent. Some get together regularly to discuss creative ways to make life easier. One solution might involve setting up a childcare co-op. For example, a group of single parents may take turns trading childcare responsibilities one Saturday afternoon a month, giving the others a “parenting break.” Parents rotate homes so that each single parent cares for the children once a month in their home and gets a break the other three Saturday afternoons a month.
Be clear that you’re not your children’s “dumping ground.” Kids are notorious for saying, “I need to be at such-and-such a place at such-and-such a time” a few minutes before the event begins (even when you were never told about the event to begin with), or for needing certain supplies that you don’t own. Sometimes you’ll find yourself scrambling to comply, but it’s ultimately helpful (and appropriate) to teach kids to be respectful of your time and ask them to give you proper notice—without expecting you to do everything for them. They can do their part.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Pace yourself. This is an extremely intense time for most parents. It’s easy to lose yourself in the physical and emotional demands of this phase, but it’s also crucial that you raise infants well by meeting their needs, and monitoring young children closely while giving them stimulating activities. Take naps when your kids nap. Cut back on other activities if you need more time to yourself. Get lots of ideas on how to care for yourself from the asset-building book Parenting Preschoolers with a Purpose.

Find other caring, responsible adults who can spend time with your kids and give you a much-needed break from time to time. Grandparents often enjoy spending time with your kids. So do aunts, uncles, and babysitters that you trust.
Enjoy this time with your young children. Even though it’s aggravating to have toys strewn all over the house, spit-up on your clothes, and dirty dishes in the sink, try to let go of your internal resistance and discover some of the joys of this age group. Preschoolers hold an incredible view of the world, and they often make funny and insightful connections that adults don’t.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Parenting can become overwhelming at this stage because there’s so much to keep track of with your growing child’s physical needs and homework and school demands. Try to keep on top of it all, because it’s important for your child to do the best he or she can in school. At times, it may feel as though you’re more of a student than your child is. However, your child will learn important study habits when you sit side-by-side during homework time. You can gradually pull back as your child takes on more of the responsibility of schoolwork.
Sometimes feel like a cab driver or transportation president? This feeling is common when you’re driving your child from activity to activity (particularly when you multiply that feeling by the number of kids you have). Figure out ways to make the “getting there” and “getting back” times more fun for you both. Sing songs aloud together. Listen in on your kids’ conversations. Pack a bag with magazines, a novel, or handwork that you can do while you’re waiting for them.

Do something to recharge yourself. Occasionally leave your kids with a responsible adult, and visit a place that excites or calms you. Is there a botanical garden nearby? A museum? A park with a walking path? A library? A coffeehouse where you can meet a friend?

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Remember the early childhood years and how they made your head spin? Welcome to Part Two! (Some parents contend that the most intense parenting years are from the ages 0 to 5 and 10 to 15.) Although your kids are pulling away from you and becoming more independent, it’s important to monitor and remain involved in what they’re doing, who they’re with, and where they’re going. Stay engaged, even when your kids may signal you to stay out of their lives.
Kids at this age can be impulsive, and may pressure you to let them do things—fast. Slow down the process. Ask questions. Help young teenagers think through actions and consequences. For example, if your child wants to go to a music concert, don’t just automatically agree (or say no) without exploring the request further. Find out if other adults are going. Ask about the price of a concert ticket. Learn how your child plans to get to and from the concert. Find out whether the concert is truly acceptable for this age group. Model and discuss together these other aspects so that your child can learn to plan, consider the bigger picture, and not be so quick to jump into new experiences.
Know that most kids are going to experiment in some way with risk-taking behaviors, such as getting into trouble at school or even trying alcohol. When these difficult behaviors happen, work with your child to limit the risk-taking to a one-shot experience (if at all). Set limits and consequences, and be firm while also reminding your child how much you love him or her.

The teen years are often described as a period of “storm and stress.” And while you may find yourself in far more contentious situations with your emerging teenager, remember to love, support, and listen to your teenager, too. One of the more interesting Search Institute findings is that while 70 percent of young people feel they have Asset 1, Family Support, only about 30 percent report they have Asset 2, Positive Family Communication. So talk with your child, and also listen to him or her.
As long as you’re aware of what’s happening in your children’s lives, you can relax and enjoy some of the funny, crazy things they do. For example, at a sleepover, one of the girls called each of the other girls’ dads to say how much their daughters loved them (while the daughter screamed in the background), before giggling and hanging up. Some of the playful behavior at this age is harmless and worth laughing about.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Although teenagers at this age tend to be less impulsive than in earlier teen years, they can still be overly spontaneous at times and may need guidance in thinking things through. Give teenagers room to make their own decisions, but continue to ask them questions to help them see the broader picture.
Talk and listen to your teenager to understand how much involvement he or she wants from you when making decisions involving school schedules, projects, part-time jobs, financial decisions, college shopping, relationship decisions, and so on. Your perspective often can be very helpful to teenagers. Make sure, though, that they “own” the process and make the final decision themselves.
Remember to take time for yourself. Relax with A Moment’s Peace for Parents of Teens.
Find out about the creative things teenagers do to make life interesting. For example, at some high schools teenagers compete with each other to ask a date to a dance in the most original way possible. Enjoy these acts, even if your teenager does goofy things that make you shake your head, such as wearing tennis shoes with a tuxedo.
Let some things go. Even when teenagers are older, they can still make your head spin. As long as your teen isn’t in danger or creating trouble, sometimes it’s best to just sit down and take a deep breath before trying to figure out what you’ll say or do next.

School and Home Rules

2008-08-13T09:40:00.000-07:00

“Children respond to the expectations of their environment.”—William Grier, educator

It’s hard to raise good kids when they have different rules in different places. A key way to help kids grow up well is by making sure they get consistent messages. To do this, find out which rules kids have at school and see how many of those school rules you can adopt at home. Schools may have different rules concerning clothing and dress and the use of electronics because working with a large, diverse group of kids is different than raising kids at home. Focus on what you can agree on and go from there.

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For all parents

Ask the school for a list of rules they have for kids. Your child’s teacher, childcare provider, or school office will have a list of these rules.

Schools and childcare centers are often great at creating behavior rules that are age appropriate for kids. Once you have the list, talk to your child about the list and how you expect your child to act in those ways at school—and which rules also apply at home.

Be consistent in enforcing boundaries. Kids not only need consistent messages about rules, but they also need consistent reinforcement to show that the rules really do matter.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Distraction is a key way to move babies away from inappropriate behavior. Once they get to be toddlers and preschoolers, however, distraction will no longer work and kids need to hear how to act.
Check in often with caregivers about how your child is behaving at preschool or childcare. If your child is having difficulty in a certain area, work on that at home as well.
Keep lessons simple and positive. Repeat simple rules. Avoid using threats.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Attend back-to-school open houses. Find out what teachers expect of children in the class and how they want them to behave.

When you have parent-teacher conferences, ask about your child’s behavior and character. Then work with your child to help your child succeed.

Be patient in working with difficult behaviors. It often can take a child a long time to learn certain behaviors, such as sitting still in a chair, doing homework every night, and learning to raise hands in class instead of just blurting out an answer. Be patient, but also be consistent.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

As children enter puberty, their classroom behavior can change (and so can their behavior at home). Periodically check in with teachers to identify which behaviors your child excels at and which ones are more difficult.
Continue to be consistent in how you expect your child to behave. During puberty, young teenagers test their parents (and teachers) even more. Don’t let them wear you down—or wear you out.
Point out when your child acts in ways you admire. It’s too easy to get locked into power struggles and have all your feedback be negative. Focus on the positive as well.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Check in periodically with teachers to see what type of character your child displays in class. Ask for feedback on how to help your child succeed from a character and behavior perspective.
Negotiate rules with your teenager. At this age, teenagers are more willing to follow rules if they have a say in what the rules are and why.
If you or your teenager objects to a school rule, talk about it. Encourage your teenager to write a letter to the editor of the school newspaper (or a newspaper column) if he or she thinks a rule needs to change and why.
Be clear about what you expect and why. Teenagers are more likely to follow the rules when they understand (and accept) the reasoning behind rules.

Taking Kids to the Doctor—or the Dentist

2008-08-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

“You don’t have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep.”—Anonymous

Few people look forward to going to the doctor or the dentist, and kids can be even more resistant than adults. Yet, regular doctor and dentist visits are key to maintaining good health, and helping children get into the habit of regular checkups will help them be more likely to continue this practice when they’re adults. Consider these ideas to make visiting the doctor and the dentist easier.

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For all parents

Find doctors and dentists who work well with children and teenagers. If you’re not sure where to look, ask other parents. Usually there are a number who specialize in family dentistry and pediatrics.

Create a master checkup list so that you can keep track of when each family member visits the doctor or dentist. Many dentist offices offer the opportunity to make your next six-month appointment, but most doctor offices do not book a year in advance, which makes it easy for those annual visits to fall through the cracks.

Read solid information on children’s health (for different age groups) at the American Academy of Pediatrics at http://www.aap.org/topics.html.
Try different hygienists until you find one who has a good rapport with your child. Some dentist and doctor offices have a number of physicians, so feel free to visit different ones until you find one you and your child both enjoy seeing.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Go to all the well-child checkups your clinic recommends, and make sure your child receives all the immunizations your pediatrician suggests.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that 6-month-olds receive an oral assessment (checkup of teeth) by a pediatrician. The American Dental Association recommends that children have their first dental visit around their first birthday.

Doctor visits for young children often involve immunizations, and young children can quickly assume that every visit will require a shot. This can make it difficult for a young child to want to go to the doctor. Figure out soothing techniques to take with you, such as a stuffed animal to hold or a promise of getting a small treat afterward.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Encourage your child to make eye contact with the doctor and dentist and to answer some questions (instead of you answering all the questions). Talk about how this is your child’s health, and it’s important for your child to begin to develop relationships with health care providers.
Some children at this age develop a great fear of doctors and dentists, particularly if they’ve had a lot of shots or procedures. Some will act in embarrassing ways, such as knocking over things in the room and being difficult to control. If your child is prone to do this, role-play visits at home. Talk about how important it is to be brave. Help your child identify an action figure or hero to think of when he or she is visiting the doctor or dentist.
If your child likes collecting his or her teeth, consider creating a tooth jar and asking the tooth fairy to return the tooth after putting it under your child’s pillow.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Puberty is starting earlier and earlier for kids, so don’t be surprised if your daughter starts a menstrual cycle at an early age. If this happens, track the cycles for your child until she is older and can do so by herself.

Most parents feel uncomfortable dealing with their child’s emerging sexuality, but it’s happening whether you like it not. Many doctors are trained to help you in this area. To find a doctor in your community who specializes in adolescents, check out the Society for Adolescent Medicine at http://www.adolescenthealth.org/Search/. Whatever you do, don’t avoid the issue of sexuality (and also don’t pry or pester your child for too many details). What’s important is to connect your child with a doctor he or she can confide in and to create an atmosphere of openness so that your child can come to you if he or she wishes.
Continue to insist on regular dentist and doctor appointments since some kids at this age will resist them. Talk about how important it is to have good health habits and regular checkups, even if you don’t feel like getting them.
If your child needs braces, find an orthodontist who loves teenagers. (Other parents often know who these are in your community.) Some even let their patients choose different colored rubber bands and braces.
At this age, your child may balk at seeing a pediatrician. If so, see if you can find a physician who specializes in adolescence—or if your pediatric clinic has other locations geared more for teenagers.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Continue to stress the importance of good eating habits, dental hygiene, and seeing doctors and dentists on a regular basis. Even though teenagers often slip into poor health habits, keep talking about the importance of them (and modeling good health habits). To get the conversation started, read Conversations on the Go.
Some teenagers tend to disappear or become unavailable when it’s time for a doctor or dentist appointment. If this happens, call the medical clinic and reschedule right away. Be clear with your teenager that it’s important to have regular checkups.

If your teenager needs a major procedure, explain what’s expected before, during, and after the procedure. Many teenagers are tempted to jump back into their normal lives without giving their bodies enough time to heal.

Why It’s Essential to Know Your Neighbors

2008-07-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

“Be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?”—Mother Teresa, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize

How many neighbors do you recognize? How many neighbors do you know by name? Unfortunately, few people today know their neighbors. Only about one third of teenagers who responded to Search Institute surveys feel that there are people in their neighborhood who care about them. We’ve become a fast-paced society that zips in and out of our homes while barely having the time to acknowledge our neighbors. Yet a key aspect of asset building and bringing out the best in our kids is knowing your neighbors. Here’s how.

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For all parents

Greet every child and teenager in your neighborhood whenever you see them. Learn their names. Smile at them. Get to know them. Be sensitive to how kids respond: some open up immediately, but others are more reserved. Be patient. Some kids can warm to you over a number of weeks or months.
The first Tuesday of August of each year is National Night Out. It’s when neighbors all over the country come together to learn more about each other and talk about ways to keep their neighborhoods safe. Many neighborhoods have block parties, cookouts, parades, and visits from local police and fire departments. If your neighborhood is celebrating this event, attend it. If not, be intentional about getting to know the people in your neighborhood. Learn more at http://www.nationalnightout.org/nno/.
Spend time outside when you notice your neighbors are out. Wander over to your neighbor, introduce yourself, ask your neighbor his or her name, and chitchat for a few minutes.
It’s often easier to meet neighbors when they’re walking dogs or are outside with a pet. Ask about the pet and you’ll often get a conversation going in no time. (Note: Kids often learn the names of neighbors’ pets before they learn the names of their neighbors. Their interest in pets can be an opening for further conversation.)
Be aware of the neighbors you are and are not comfortable with. Although most neighbors are helpful people, be aware that there may be one or two whom you wouldn’t trust to be alone with your kids.
Find out if your neighborhood has a block captain. (You can usually find this information out from your city, community, or county hall.) If there is a captain, contact that person and ask about the neighborhood. Sometimes block captains keep a list of neighbors and know helpful information about your neighborhood.
Once you get to know your neighbors, periodically get together to discuss neighborhood concerns. It’s much easier to create, agree, and enforce neighborhood boundaries (asset #13) when neighbors know each other—and know the kids as well.
Download free information about the study on neighbors, grown-ups and kids.
Figure out fun, easy ways to get together with neighbors. One neighborhood has purchased a number of plastic flamingoes. Every Friday, one neighbor takes all the plastic flamingoes and puts them out in his front yard. The neighbors call it Flamingo Friday, and when the flamingoes are out, it’s an invitation for all the neighbors to come over and visit while the neighborhood kids organize fun games and activities.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

As you go for family walks, stop and say hello to a neighbor when you see one outside. Young children can be a good conversation starter.
With your children, draw a picture of your neighborhood. Go for a walk and record the house or apartment numbers. As you gradually get to know your neighbors, fill in the names of your neighbors with the corresponding house or apartment numbers on your drawing.
Find out if there are other young children who live on your block. If so, invite the family over for lemon aid and cookies. See how the kids play together.
Whenever you visit grandparents, ask about their neighbors. Often neighborhoods become segregated by age. Families with young children move in around the same time and then never move out. Sometimes you and your kids can find two strong neighborhoods: one around your home and another around your parent’s (or in-law’s) home.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Periodically set up a neighborhood activity with kids that gets them excited, such as an art project, a game, or even a bike and trike parade. Ask kids what they’d like to do with your help. Get the word out by making flyers and sticking them on (or under) your neighbor’s doors.
If your kids want to set up a lemonade or Kool-Aid stand, encourage them to do so. This is often a good way to get to know your neighbors.
When you see a new neighbor move in, bake some cookies, bring them over, and introduce yourself. Have your kids go with you. If the new neighbor has children, usually she’ll bring them out to meet your kids.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

As kids become more friendship oriented, they’ll bond more deeply with either the neighborhood kids or kids from other neighborhoods. If your children don’t have good friends in your own neighborhood, have them attend neighborhood events by bringing a friend from another neighborhood.
Be clear about what’s acceptable and unacceptable neighborhood behavior. For example, tell kids not to ride their bikes over the neighbor’s grass and not to use a neighbor’s basketball hoop without first getting permission. Be sure to point out when you see kids doing something good or nice. Compliment them.

Continue to stay connected to your neighbors, even when your kids don’t. Talk about what your kids (and your neighbor’s kids) are doing. See if there are ways you can support each other, such as by cheering on a neighborhood kid at a game or attending a music concert.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Even if they don’t see your teenager often, keep in touch with your neighbors—especially those who have had a long-term relationship with your teenager. Tell them what your kids are up to. This keeps neighbors and teenagers connected even when they rarely see each other.
If you ever go out of town and need to leave your teenagers at home, let your neighbors know—and tell them what to do if certain situations arise. In many neighborhoods, neighbors keep an eye out for each other’s teenagers and are quick to intervene if they suspect trouble may be brewing. (Sometimes the best intervention is to give you a call.)
Make connections between your teenager and neighbors who have a similar interest. For example, one teenager who loved chemistry found out that a neighbor was a chemical engineer. The two started talking and then began doing projects together. The neighbor became a significant role model and mentor for the teenage girl.
Occasionally invite an interesting neighbor over for a meal or a dessert. Get to know each other more as you eat together. This is a great way to get older teenagers involved—especially if you serve a favorite food of your teenager.

* Suggestions from Youth Community Connections: Minnesota Partners for Healthy Youth Development, www.youthcommunityconnections.org.

When Your Child Gets Moody

2008-07-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

“The trick is what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable—or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”—Carlos Castaneda, author

Moods. All kids and teenagers go through moods when they’re negative, overly serious—and surly. Although child development experts say moodiness is common for all kids, some kids tend to be more moody than others, and some even suffer from clinical depression. How do you know what’s normal and what’s not? Consider these tips.

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For all parents

All kids go through periods of moodiness, negativity, or “disequilibrium”—where they attempt to make sense of their rapid growth spurts. Researchers at the Gesell Institute of Human Development say these are normal, and they tend to happen during the half years until age 6 1/2 (starting at 6 months) and then tend to occur during the odd-numbered ages (ages 7, 9, 11, 13, and 15, for example). Read Child Behavior by Frances L. Ilg, M.D., for more information, http://www.gesellinstitute.org/.

Always value your child’s perspective, even when it seems overly negative. If you don’t know what to say sometimes, consider saying, “It seems like you’re having a bad day. Is that true?”
Realize that sometimes “down” moods are fine for kids to have, and it’s okay (as long as it’s not a serious situation) not to lighten them up. If you try to get your child to lighten up at the wrong time, your child may think you’re not valuing his true feelings.

If your child ever says she wants to kill herself, take her seriously. Get professional help immediately.

One of the best ways to get yourself—or your child—to lighten up is to put experiences into a broader context. Sometimes comparisons don’t work, but sometimes they do. For example, if your child gets upset when a stranger yells at him for no apparent reason, point out that it’s upsetting to get yelled at, but maybe the person doing the yelling had just lost a job or found out he or she has a terminal illness.
Model how to handle life’s challenges with humor and even-temperedness. It’s important to model how to lighten up and still be responsible. For example, if you’re driving and someone cuts you off, you may talk about how you don’t like being cut off, but don’t try to get back at the driver.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Be sensitive to the rapid growth your child is experiencing during this age. Young children often get frustrated and upset when they see what they want to do but don’t have the physical or cognitive abilities to accomplish their wishes.
Keep young children in predictable, comforting routines. Young children are more likely to thrive (and become less negative) when they know what to expect every day. Hungry, tired children are more likely to have bad moods than kids who aren’t hungry or tired.
Point out the progress you see your child making. If your child gets frustrated while stacking five blocks, talk about how she has mastered stacking four blocks.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Be sensitive to the energy it requires to attend school. Even children who attended an all-day child-care center or preschool may become exhausted when they start going to school and are required to learn in ways that are different from the preschool years. Make sure kids get extra time to unwind, rest, and recharge.

Encourage your child to articulate what he is feeling and why. Start with simple feelings, such as feeling mad, sad, or glad, and then gradually expand the feelings to frustration, being scared, and being worried. Talking about feelings helps kids work through their emotions with words instead of by hitting, getting depressed, or getting stomachaches or headaches.
Kids often can get in bad moods when they’re doing too many things that they don’t like to do. Follow your child’s interests. If your child enjoys reading, visit the library often and check out lots of books. If your child loves to play soccer, go outside and play with your child. Continue to emphasize responsibility (such as doing homework and chores), but make sure there is a balance with responsibility and your child’s interests.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Don’t be surprised if your child’s mood seems to change easily—or by the day. Early adolescence is the time of rapid change and rapid mood swings. Be patient. Read more about moods in Parenting at the Speed of Teens.
Give your child space if your child wants it. Sometimes kids at this age need more time to unwind and make sense of what’s happening to them. Some kids, for example, don’t understand why some kids at this age become so mean.
When children are in a good mood, enjoy it. Laugh with them. Tease them (in ways that you both enjoy). Tell kids how much you enjoy being with them.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Monitor your teenager’s schedule. High school counselors say that teenagers tend to overextend themselves and get overwhelmed or cut out too many activities and get bored. Help your teenager try to find a balance in his lifestyle, which often can help create a balance in his moods.
Watch your teenager’s moods. All teenagers have a bad day now and then, but most aren’t as moody as they were during early adolescence. If you’re concerned about your teen’s moods, check in with a high school counselor or teacher.
Ask your teenager about her passions and interests. Make sure your teenager has time to do things she really wants to do—in addition to taking responsibility at school and at home.
Discuss current events with your teenager. Expanding your teenager’s worldview often helps him engage more in the world—and in his own life.

Fun Ways to Learn During the Summer

2008-07-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

“All the world is a laboratory to the inquiring mind.”—Martin H. Fischer, American professor of physiology

Parents worry about it. Educators complain about it: Kids can fall behind academically during the summer. Most kids enjoy having a summer break from school, but many forget what they’ve learned. You can encourage your child to learn in the summer in fun ways—ways many wouldn’t even call learning. Consider these ideas.

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For all parents*

Instead of buying flash cards and figuring out rote ways for kids to learn, think of “experiential learning,” which is where you learn by doing. When experiential learning is done well, most kids enjoy the process of learning, and some don’t even think it seems like learning at all. Take kids kite flying, canoeing, or take them to a hands-on museum. Expose them to experiences that stimulate their thinking and imagination.
Take kids on walks. Before you do, check out nature books that include photos of local wildflowers, birds, bugs, trees, and wild animals. As you walk, be on the lookout for different aspects of nature.
Help others. A key part of experiential learning is service learning, which is about serving others and then talking about your experience afterward. With her or his permission, plant flowers for an elderly neighbor. Bake cookies for someone who’s sick. Donate food to a food shelf. Afterward, discuss what went well and what could be improved.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Bring children to different places to stimulate learning. For example, take them to the beach and play in the sand. Take them to a playground on the other side of town. Take them to a different library than the one you usually visit. Take them to a children’s museum.
Ask your librarian for picture book suggestions and check them out to read at home. See if your library has child activities and story times that you and your child can attend.
Have children spend time with their grandparents. Often grandparents will involve kids in their passions, such as gardening, baking, or even cleaning out a closet (while the kids dress up in their clothes).

Go bug hunting. Explore what the ants are doing in your neighborhood. Talk about which bugs to avoid (such as bees, wasps, and mosquitoes). Play with a ladybug.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Find day or overnight camps that get your child excited. Many camps now have specialties, such as horseback riding camp, canoeing camp, and archery camp. All these camps emphasize learning skills while having fun.
Do simple science experiments with your kids. National Geographic Kids has lots of free ideas for science experiments, recipes, and more at http://www.nationalgeographic.com/kids/activities/.
Sign up for a family activity through your parks and recreation department, community education program, or nature center. Many offer one-time, stimulating activities, such as family cooking, an evening of looking at the stars, family hiking, and more. Have fun while you learn something new together.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Find more challenging and stimulating service projects for kids. Many congregations offer work camps and mission projects where kids take a trip for a weekend or a week and help others, doing things like painting, repairing homes, and so on. Habitat for Humanity allows kids who are ages 13 and up to volunteer.
Ask your child if he or she has any summer homework. Many schools assign a book or research project for kids to do over the summer, and many kids don’t tell their parents about these projects until the day before school starts. Create a plan to get the work done gradually over the summer.
Consider having a playful summer reading competition. Ask your child to choose a certain number of books he or she is excited about. Check out two copies from the library—one for you and one for your child. See who can read the most books first, but avoid setting up a stiff competition where your child may want to skim the book instead of reading it. At the end, reward the winner, for example, with a trip for ice cream or a $5 gift certificate to his or her favorite store.
Take occasional family outings that expand everyone’s perspective. See what the communities around you have to offer. For example, Darwin, Minnesota, has the largest twine ball in the world. Visit places like these and see what else you can learn.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Encourage teens to find internships and apprenticeships in areas that interest them, such as auto mechanics, photography, videography, soccer coaching, and so on. These types of experiences are not only great for their high-school resume, but give teens valuable hands-on learning experiences.

If your teenager is working to earn money at a job he or she isn’t thrilled about, encourage your teenager to also find something that excites him or her, such as learning new riffs on the drums, learning to cook Japanese food, riding a unicycle, reading a fascinating book, or renting episodes of NOVA.

Encourage teenagers to think creatively about their technology skills and how they can help others with the skills they have. For more ideas, see http://www.parentingteensonline.com/article/show/title/Teen_Online_Entrepreneurs

Continue to serve others as a family and encourage your teenager to join in. Help a grandparent with yard work. Serve a meal to the homeless through a soup kitchen. Help a neighbor weed a garden. Helping others teaches you a lot about working with others, deepening your skills, and making a difference.
Talk about current events. Learn more about a specific current event that interests family members and discuss it at a deeper level.

* Suggestions from Youth Community Connections: Minnesota Partners for Healthy Youth Development, www.youthcommunityconnections.org.

Celebrating Your Child’s Birthday

2008-07-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”—Abraham Lincoln, U.S. President

Your child’s birthday is coming up. How can you make it a memorable, asset-building birthday? Empower your child to be involved every step of the way and infuse more creativity into the special event.

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For all parents

Start planning your child’s birthday at least one month in advance. Give your child time to consider various ways to celebrate before making a final decision.
Set a budget for the birthday party (and also for birthday present spending) before you get too far into the planning. It’s too easy to get caught up in the excitement and overspend. For more ideas, visit http://www.parenthood.com/article-topics/article-topics.php?Article_ID=4224.
Consider three aspects of the celebration: the one with your family, the one with friends, and the one with extended family (such as grandparents). When children are younger, it’s often easy to combine all these aspects into one event, but it becomes more difficult to do this as kids get older.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Don’t be surprised if your young child gets more excited about the wrapping paper and the boxes than in the presents. This is common for infants, toddlers, and young preschoolers.
If you have a children’s birthday party, keep the party relatively short and away from nap times. Invite a small number of people so that your child doesn’t get overwhelmed.
Give your child simple choices when planning his or her birthday party. For example: Do you want a Dora (from the TV show “Dora the Explorer”) or Maisy (from the book series by Lucy Cousins) party? Or do you want a train (from the book Chugga, Chugga, Choo, Choo by Kevin Lewis) or a Bob the Builder party (from the TV series)?

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Help your child plan a more structured friend birthday party. Together create an invitation list, games to play, and the type of refreshments to serve. For ideas on games, party themes, and more, visit http://familyfun.go.com/parties/.

Read aloud the book On the Day You Were Born by Debra Frasier. Read it aloud every year on your child’s birthday.
Encourage children to create a birthday wish list of what they would like to receive. Talk about how there’s a budget and that they will not receive everything they wish for. Help them prioritize which gift ideas are most important and why

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Be aware that children sometimes go through a phase where they become ambivalent about birthday parties with their friends (or suddenly don’t want to have one). This is more about their changing friendships and expectations than about not wanting to celebrate their birthday. Be patient and gentle during these times.
Help your children think of new ways to celebrate their birthday as they get older. Many know they don’t want to celebrate like they did when they were younger, but they don’t know what other options they have. For example, consider having a slumber birthday party, a video-game-playing birthday party, or a party where artistic kids visit a museum and go out for pizza afterward or athletic kids take in a professional game.

Encourage the birthday child to think of others—in addition to himself or herself. Teach children to take a portion of money they receive as a gift and donate it to a charitable cause they care about. Or have everyone who is invited bring a food donation for a food shelf.
Consider also celebrating your child’s birthday as just your family—or as a one-on-one time with one parent. Take your child out for breakfast, out for ice cream, or for something special to celebrate.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Follow your teenager’s temperament when it comes to planning a teenage birthday party. Some are quite social and want to have a lot of friends over. Others prefer a quiet birthday by going out to eat with one close friend.
Make a list of famous people who were born on your child’s birthday, not just media stars but people who have made a difference in the world. Place “birthdays” and the date of your child’s birthday (such as July 21) into a search engine, and other famous people’s names will come up. Together talk about what these famous people did to deserve being remembered. Then think of the birthday not only as a day to celebrate but also as a day to rededicate yourself to doing good for others.
Older teenagers like to celebrate the new freedoms that come with the age, such as being able to get a driver’s license at age 16 and not having a community-imposed curfew at age 18. Celebrate these milestones but also continue to negotiate boundaries since you don’t want your 18-year-old staying out all night.
Point out what makes you proud about your teenager on his or her birthday. Everyone likes to hear about their strengths and the progress they’re making. A birthday is a great day to talk about the positive steps your teenager is making.

Being a Good Sport When Cheering on Your Child

2008-07-02T12:46:00.000-07:00

“Stand and cheer for the doer, the achiever—the one who recognizes the challenges and does something about it.”—Vince Lombardi, football coach

You are your children’s biggest—and most important—cheerleader. Whether they’re competing in a sport or performing in a theater production or music group, your presence is a key way to support your children. But the way you are present also makes a difference in the way your children feel about you, themselves, and the activities they are in. Consider these ideas:

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For all parents

Attend as many of your children’s games and performances as you can. Kids notice when you’re there—and when you’re not.
Focus on supporting your child and the other kids there. If you’re overly competitive, ask yourself why winning is more important to you than supporting the kids who are involved. If you’re not sure how to best support your child, consider downloading the Little League’s free parent code of conduct at www.littleleague.org/forms_pubs/parentcodeofconduct.pdf.

Point out what you liked about your child’s performance. The more specific you can be, the better. For example, say, “I enjoyed hearing your trumpet parts in the band,” or “I am so proud of you for blocking that kick.”
Invite other significant adults in your child’s life to games and performances. Consider occasionally inviting grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and other important adults.
When you take photos or record your child’s game or performance, also remember to put down the camera and cheer! It’s important to be fully present in the moment, and one way to do that is to set technology aside so that you can witness firsthand your child’s achievements.

Ask your kids periodically what they like about their sport (or activity). Ask what they have fun doing or learning—and if there is anything they’d like to change if they could.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Focus on the fun and funny factor. Young children who play on teams run the wrong way, get distracted, and are more interested in what captures their attention at the moment than in the game or performance. Instead of being embarrassed, relish the spontaneity of it all.
Give your children credit for participating, even if it seems they didn’t contribute much. Learning how to participate with others at this age is a major skill that builds slowly.
Usually one or two activities are all young children can handle at this age, as long as each activity meets only once or twice a week. Children at this age also need time for unstructured play in their daily routine to thrive well.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Give children choices for sport activities: soccer, basketball, T-ball, etc. Be careful to find the right sports leagues for them since competitive leagues start at early ages. Many communities offer both competitive leagues and recreational leagues; the latter are less demanding and often more child friendly.
Follow your children’s interest for activities. Ask what they like about the activity. Many will say “having fun” and “being with friends” as their top reasons for playing—not winning.
Monitor your child’s enthusiasm for the activity. If your child becomes less interested, find out why and talk to the club leader or coach.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Young teenagers still like to have their parents attend their activities, but many want their parents to observe without much fanfare. Ask your children how they prefer your support and then support your children in that way.
If you notice another parent who often yells, screams, or acts in disrespectful ways, talk with the coach to see if you can create a team cheering guideline that fits on a business-size card and is given to all the parents. It could include: Support our kids by cheering for them. Anyone yelling or screaming will be asked to leave the game by the referee. Notice when kids do things right.

Get to know the names of the kids your children perform or play with. Support them as well as your child.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Point out how you’ve noticed growth and mastery in your child’s performance. Teenagers enjoy hearing specifics on how they’re improving.
Continue to attend all their games, events, and performances, even if your teenagers say you don’t need to come.
During the last performance or last game of the season, consider bringing a gift certificate or some other small gift. Then celebrate with your teenager by taking him or her out for a treat.

Keeping Kids Safe on Bikes, Trikes, Skateboards-and in Cars

2008-06-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

“Safety is not a gadget, but a state of mind.”—Eleanor Everet, safety expert

When the weather gets nice, kids head outside and jump on their trikes, bikes, or skateboards, or hop into the car. While it’s great for kids to be mobile and get some exercise, it can be stressful for parents who worry about their kids’ safety. Consider these ideas to keep your kids safe while allowing them to have some fun.

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For all parents

Talk concretely about safety with your child. Instead of saying, “Be safe,” give explicit instructions on what your child should do. For example, if you have sidewalks, have your child ride only on the sidewalks in front of your home and not cross any streets. Be aware that some communities now say that sidewalks are for pedestrians only, so if that’s the case, you’ll need to find an alternative other than the street for young children to ride their trikes and bikes.
Don’t rely on cell phones as a safety measure. Yes, a cell phone might help, but it’s not a safety sure-all since the batteries could go dead, your child could drop it, or your child could get injured enough and not be able to use it.
Always insist that your child wear a helmet when riding a trike, bike, or skateboard. Make sure bike helmets have the CPSC sticker and that the skateboard helmets have the ASTM F 1492 sticker.
Visit your community’s park and recreation department and inquire about bike paths, skateboard parks, and other recreational areas where you and your child can bike together.
Insist that everyone always wear seat belts when riding in a car and that children are in the correct child or booster seat required for their age and weight.
Remember that how you drive is a powerful lesson to your kids. Make sure you make full stops at stop signs. Don’t race through yellow lights. Signal before turning or changing lanes. Be aware of any inclination you may have toward road rage and do all you can to avoid it. All these are habits you want your kids to emulate once they begin driving, so do them yourself and talk about what you’re doing.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

When your child is riding a trike or bike outside, always keep a close eye on your child. Your child is too young to be able to make all safety decisions.
Have races with your young child. As your child rides a trike, race your child while jogging alongside him or her. Let your child win most of the time. It will be great exercise for both of you.

Once your child is coordinated enough, move him or her to a small bicycle with training wheels. As your child gradually gets a sense of balance with the training wheels, readjust the wheels so that your child has to work a bit harder at balancing.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Even after your child learns to ride a bicycle without training wheels, there are still a lot of bicycle skills she or he will need to master. For example, riding down hills is dangerous for most children since they often don’t know how to stop a bike and keep their balance while going at high speeds.
Make bike riding more fun by having your child decorate his or her bike with crepe paper in the spokes—or by using clothespins to attach individual playing cards to the spokes for sound effects.
When riding on bike trails together, make sure your child stays to the right to avoid head-on collisions with cyclists coming from the opposite direction.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

As children enter puberty, they often resist wearing helmets. Some even will wear their helmets while a parent is looking and then hide it in the bushes once they’re a block away. As best you can, make sure your child is always wearing a helmet.
Some preteens find bike helmets “uncool” and refuse to wear them. Help them find a more stylish skateboard helmet that also has the CPSC bike sticker. Many prefer skateboard helmets when riding bikes at this age.

If your child has a cell phone, be clear that riding a bike (or a skateboard) while talking on a cell phone (or attempting to text message) is dangerous and should not be done.

Be clear about what kids need to look for in crossing roads and railroad tracks. Many kids get into fender benders with cars when drivers turn a corner and don’t see the kids on the bike. Tell your kids to make eye contact with drivers to ensure that the drivers see them.

Some states allow 15-year-olds to get learner’s driving permits. You have the right to decide whether your teen is ready for this at this age—or not. When you do decide your child is ready to begin learning driving skills, teach him or her carefully yourself and enroll your child in a comprehensive driving course.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Make sure teenagers always wear seatbelts when riding in or driving a car. Watch for teens who secure the seatbelt and sit on it instead of wearing it.

Be clear on what you expect when your teenager drives (or rides in a car with a teenage driver). The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry has helpful tips at http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/helping_your_teen_become_a_safe_driver.
Be clear that getting a driver’s license is a privilege, not a right. As a parent, you have the final say whether your teen is ready to get a license—or not. According to the Federal Highway Administration, only 30 percent of 16-year-olds get a driver’s license. That compares to 44 percent who got them 10 years earlier in 1998. If you feel your teenager is not ready, it’s okay for you to decide that he or she will wait to get a license until he or she is older.

Carefully weigh the pros and cons of having your teen get a driver’s license versus riding with other teen drivers. (Your teenager will start riding with licensed drivers as soon as the opportunity arises.) Monitor who your teenager is riding with and what kind of driver that teenager is.
Don’t be surprised if your child gets a ticket or has a fender bender the first year of having a driver’s license. Many teenagers do. The longer your teenager drives without an accident or ticket, the better.

Better Family Vacations

2008-06-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

“There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.” —Walt Streightiff, author

Everyone dreams of a perfect family vacation. There will be a lot of together time with family members enjoying themselves. Everyone will find time to relax and unwind, and everyone will come back refreshed. Yet anyone who has ever taken a family vacation has discovered that they’re far from perfect and that you never know what to expect. If you plan carefully, however, you can create better family vacations in which everyone comes home with fond memories.

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For all parents

Adjust your expectations for family vacations. Instead of thinking of them as time to relax, think of them as family time where you may need to work a bit to bring the family together. (You can always take time off for yourself to unwind at another time.)
Get everyone’s input on possible family vacations and activities. Your getaways will be more successful if everyone is involved in the planning from early on. Make sure the kids have a good say in what is planned, where you go, and the activities you want to do (and want to avoid). You may even need to plan one favorite activity per person so that everyone gets the chance to do something he or she really wants and the rest of the family can get to know that family member better.

If you’re divorced, be careful not to get your children caught in the cross hairs of competing vacations. Some kids think it’s too much to go on two vacations (one with dad’s family and another with mom’s family) because it keeps them away from their friends too long. Balance your children’s needs along with your own.
Be realistic about budgets. Family vacations can get expensive rather quickly. If your kids want spending money, let them know their budget before you go.
If you have kids in two different age groups (such as a preschooler and a young adolescent), find activities that both enjoy, such as swimming or water parks. Also let each child choose an activity he or she really wants to do and have the whole family go along and enjoy that activity.
Consider vacations with different goals. One year have a vacation that’s about relaxing and being together. Another time have a vacation that’s more adventuresome, where you’re exploring a national park or a major city. Another time, consider taking a family service trip during which your family volunteers and helps others.
Whenever you take a family vacation, remember to expect the unexpected, have a sense of humor, and be open to surprise and discovery. This will help you keep your balance—and your sanity!

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Plan a vacation that is ideal for young children. Since young children thrive on routine, vacations that disrupt their routines can quickly turn sour. Some families spend their vacation time by staying at home (where young children are in familiar surroundings) and taking one special trip in the morning and one special trip in the afternoon, such as to a zoo, a children’s museum, a fancy playground across town, or water park.
If you leave home, continue to follow your child’s routine. Make time for naps, snacks, bedtime routines, and so on.
If you take a long car trip, consider leaving in the evening. Drive through the night while the kids sleep. This works best if you have two adults so that the adults also can take turns sleeping and monitoring kids. For more ideas on traveling with a preschooler, read Parenting Preschoolers with a Purpose.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Pack a traveling bag with activities that kids can do while traveling and on vacation. Include blank tablets, washable markers, puzzle and activity books, playing cards, handheld video games, books to read, and so on.
Consider putting away several new activities (such as a new card game, puzzle, or board game) and wrapping it like a present. When kids get bored, bring out a present for them to open and discover.

Be intentional about playing together as a family while you’re on vacation. The best part of a family vacation is being together and having fun together.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Encourage your teenager to bring a friend. This often will raise your teenager’s enthusiasm level greatly.
You may need to rethink and redefine a family vacation for this age group. Don’t be surprised if your teenager is more enthusiastic about taking a trip to see a favorite music group, go to an amusement park, or visit a first-class water park.
Consider taking two or three shorter vacations instead of one longer vacation. Sometimes teenagers are more agreeable to short getaways (so they don’t miss much time with their friends) than long ones.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Planning a vacation that a teenager wants to take with your family can be downright hard since teenagers often resist traveling with their families (or have packed schedules that make it difficult to get away). For ideas on family vacations that teenagers like, visit http://www.parentingteensonline.com/article/show/title/Family_Vacations_With_Teens.
Talk about the variety of options for family vacations: visiting a major city, seeing a national park, taking a road trip, doing a family service project, digging up dinosaur bones, exploring historical sites, traveling overseas, or attending your favorite baseball team’s games on the road. Expand your view of possibilities.
Allow your teenager some flexibility and independence on a family vacation. If your teenager can’t imagine a vacation without access to the Internet, stay at a place that has a business center or wireless access. Or let your teenager sleep occasionally while the rest of the family sightsees.

Father’s Day

2008-06-11T07:59:00.000-07:00

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.”—William Shakespeare, playwright

Every June, Father’s Day appears, and three out of four American families celebrate the holiday. The challenge for parents, however, is to not have unrealistic expectations about the holiday that result in a letdown. To make Father’s Day more meaningful, consider these ideas.

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For all parents

Instead of thinking of the holiday as one that celebrates only dads, think of it as a family day. What activities can you do as a family to enjoy being together? If you don’t have custody of your child today, call your child and say hello. For more ideas on how to stay connected, read Stay Close, http://mvparentstore.search-institute.org/product.php?productid=16143.

Hang out with your kids today. Join in with what they enjoy doing, such as shooting hoops, playing video games, or making something together. If you don’t know how to play a certain video game, ask your child to teach you.

Tell stories about what you love or admire about your kids. Remember times when they were younger that made you proud.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Spend time playing with your kids today. Dr. Stanley Greenspan says that spending 30 minutes of floor time (getting down on the floor and playing with your kids) has the most benefits. Instead of dictating what to play, ask your children what they want to do, and play on their terms.
Go on an outing with your child that gets your child excited, such as visiting the zoo, going to a playground, or seeing an exhibit at a children’s museum.
Follow the timeframe of your child. Young children thrive on routine, and they need naps, snacks, downtime, and stimulating time. Make sure your Father’s Day activities fit into their routines.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Do an activity at home that your child would love for you to participate in, such as building a fort in the living room. Make a fort out of blankets draped over chairs. Crawl in the fort with your child and read picture books aloud by flashlight.
Visit or call your dad. Show your kids how important all the generations are by staying in touch in some way.

If you’re a mom, encourage your kids to make Father’s Day cards and gifts. Or take your kids shopping to buy something for Dad. If Dad is out of the picture, consider doing something to celebrate Grandpa.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Encourage your kids to do something nice for Dad, such as washing his car, helping out with his garden, going fishing with him, or giving him a neck rub.

Realize that preteens can be moody, so don’t let your child’s mood determine how good or bad Father’s Day turns out. If your child isn’t in a good mood, be patient and focus more on another child or another activity.

If your children don’t have much (or any) contact with their dad, connect with another positive male role model, such as a grandpa, an uncle, a neighbor, or someone in your congregation. All kids need male and female role models, and the more they have, the better.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Watch for subtle clues from your teenager about how much he or she wants to connect. For example, if your family goes out to a movie, ask your teenager whom he or she wants to sit with. Don’t be surprised if your teenager wants to sit far from your family—or if your teenager insists on sitting with only one sibling or one parent (and no one else in the family). Respect your teen’s wishes.
Think back to when you were a teenager. What kind of relationship did you have with your dad? How does that relationship affect your relationship with your child? For more tips, read the article at http://www.parentingteensonline.com/article/show/title/Tips_for_Fathers.
Organize an outing with your teenager’s best friend and his or her father. Go out to eat. Go to a concert together. Do something fun that everyone will enjoy.

Welcome to MVParents blog

2008-06-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome to Search Institute’s MVParents blog. My name is Lynette Ward, marketing and sales director for Search Institute (I’ve worked at Search Institute for 11 years), mom of three grown children and grandmother of two. I'll be hosting this blog to respond to your comments and questions, and I hope to get to know you.

Now a bit about Search Institute: we are a nonprofit organization that has provided research about positive child and adolescent development for 50 years. In addition, Search Institute creates practical products based on this research. MVParents.com provides parenting information based on Search Institute’s Developmental Assets, the building blocks for growing up successfully. To learn more about Search Institute or Developmental Assets, visit www.search-institute.org.

One more thing—the author of our MVParents weekly newsletter and blog post is Jolene Roehlkepartain. She is the author or co-author of 35 books for parents, educators, young people, and youth workers. Find out more about Jolene at her website www.booksbyjolene.com.

Now you know a little about me, MVParents, and Search Institute. Tell me a bit about you, your family, and what you think of MVParents.com.

Music

2008-06-04T09:09:00.000-07:00

“Everyone has a song inside. It’s a matter of whether it can be brought out.”—June Kuramoto, musician and master of the koto, a Japanese instrument

No matter the age, everyone has some type of favorite music. Babies respond to certain sounds and music. Toddlers and preschoolers love to dance. As children get older, their musical preferences deepen, and many spend their days with their ears wired to mp3 players. Whether your child plays a musical instrument or not, tap into the power of music with these ideas.

Try it...

For all parents

You don’t have to be musical to enjoy music. Put on music in the background when you eat together as a family. Let each family member take turns choosing the music played.

Occasionally put on your favorite piece of music in front of your kids. Sing along with it. Dance to it. Talk about why that music touches your soul. Then ask your kids to put on their favorite piece of music.
If you play an instrument (or played one in the past), take it out and play it. Choose to make music instead of watching TV so that your kids see that music has a priority in your life. If you no longer own the instrument, show pictures to your kids of you playing the instrument. Talk about why you enjoyed that instrument and how long you played.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Play different types of musical styles and see how your child responds to each one. Try folk, classical, country, rock, jazz, and other musical styles. If your child becomes upset, turn it off right away. Play what your child enjoys.
Check out music for young children from the library, such as music by Raffi, Baby Genius, Music for Little People, Susie Tallman, and Greg & Steve. Ask the librarian for other recommendations.
Sing to your child (even if you can’t sing). Dance with your child. Fill your home life with music.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

If possible, let children have their own music player and choose the music they want to listen to. Or let them have a radio and find a station that has children’s music.
Expose your children to live music. Take them to free outdoor concerts in the park. (Many communities offer these.) Attend school concerts, which also are usually free. (They’re often listed in your school district’s calendar.)
Have fun with music. With your children’s favorites, make up new lyrics, sing the songs at different tempos, or create dance steps.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

If your child is interested in playing a band or orchestra instrument, check out a library book on different instruments. Look at different possibilities on the Internet. If possible, see if your child can listen to different instruments being played. (High school students often visit schools on a specific day to show kids their instruments.)
Don’t feel pressured to buy an instrument. Ask if your school or a local music store rents instruments. Sometimes you can borrow instruments from other families that have an instrument stored in the attic.
During puberty, kids often change their musical tastes. If you want your child to continue playing a musical instrument, allow him or her to switch once. Many teenagers start out with standard band and orchestra instruments and then want to play percussion, electric keyboard, or electric guitar as they get older. Continue encouraging their musical expression, even if you don’t agree with their taste in music.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Encourage teenagers to go deeper with their music. If they play an instrument, continue to provide lessons and have them practice on a regular basis. Talk about why scales, etudes, and other techniques help build their musical skills.
Continue to attend concerts, recitals, and other musical performances. If your teenager doesn’t want you making a big deal, say that you want to be supportive and will sit in the back.
Ask your teenagers about their favorite music. Listen to their music. If they like going to concerts, find out more about the bands and performers they like.

Reading: Getting Kids Excited about Books

2008-05-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

“Read all you can lay your hands on. The rewards of reading never diminish.”—Helen Ganz, literacy advocate

Reading is powerful. When kids know how to read and enjoy reading, they’re more likely to succeed in school—and in life. Unfortunately, only 22 percent of kids report having asset 25: reading for pleasure. The reading asset is the second least-common asset (behind asset 17: creative activities), yet reading is an asset that parents have a great deal of influence over helping their kids attain. To learn more about the power of reading, visit the National Institute for Literacy at www.nifl.gov/nifl/facts/facts_overview.html

Try it...

For all parents

Make sure each of your children has a library card (you can get cards at your local library branch). If your kids already have library cards, use them on a regular basis. Visit the library once a week, or at least once a month.
Show kids how much you enjoy reading. Instead of watching TV, read periodically. Have books and magazines strategically located around your house.
Talk about what you read. Ask your kids about what they’re reading.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Surround your children with picture books. Give them to your kids as gifts. If you can’t afford to buy them, check them out of the library.

Read aloud to your children every day. If possible, read aloud more than once a day.
Buy board books for your children (check out used bookstores for bargains). Keep the books with your children’s toys so that your kids are used to seeing books as part of their everyday lives.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Keep reading aloud to your children, even as they begin to learn how to read for themselves. Once they start learning how to read, have them read aloud every day to you.
Help kids find books that get them excited. Visit the library. Browse used bookstores.

Read a book to your children before they go to bed. Use a book as part of your bedtime routine to help your children relax and connect with you.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Encourage your kids to find books that excite them. Don’t overlook graphic novels, comic books, magazines, or other types of reading that may not interest you, but interests them. The point is to keep your kids reading.

Teenagers are assigned books to read for language arts and English classes. Find out what they’re reading—and what they’re learning. Ask them which assigned book they liked best and why.
Take turns reading an exciting book aloud. If your child loves Harry Potter or Stephenie Meyer’s vampire books, read a page or two out loud and then switch. Emphasize the fun of reading instead of stressing out how to pronounce certain words.
Give books as gifts. Young teenagers often enjoy advice-about-life books such as It’s Our World, Too: Stories of Young People Who Are Making a Difference by Phillip Hoose or Growing Up Feeling Good by Ellen Rosenberg.

Discuss what you’re reading on the Internet. Many teenagers do a lot of reading online. Their reading may not be in book format, but they’re learning all kinds of things from Wikipedia and other online services. Ask which topics interest them and why.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Ask your teenager which book has had the most impact on his or her life. Talk about a life-changing book that you’ve read.
Be patient if it seems your teenagers don’t read for fun. Many feel overloaded with homework reading and prefer to spend their free time with friends or listening to music.
Follow books that become New York Times bestsellers at www.nytimes.com/pages/books/bestseller/index.html. Ask your teenager which books other teenagers are reading. See if there are any that interest your teenager. Choose a book yourself and talk about what you’ve read.
Bring up current events or topics you’ve read about to start discussions with your teenagers. Reference what you’re reading, such as “I read in Newsweek today…” or “Did you see that article in the newspaper today?”

More Reading Ideas!

For those of you with younger children, check out Playful Reading (© 2005 Search Institute) by Carolyn Munson-Benson. This book includes many positive, fun ways to build the bond between preschoolers, books, and you, and has lists of suggested titles that you and your children will enjoy.

Great Preschools: Building Developmental Assets in Early Childhood (© 2007 Search Institute) by Tamara J. Will also suggests books for your preschooler. Ranging from well-known classics to the newest releases, these book lists are designed to fit your child’s interests and developmental level.

Out-of-School Time

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“Out-of-school time is a golden opportunity to engage youth in their own development and in serving their communities. Far too frequently, we leave this time to chance.”—Minnesota Commission on Out-of-School Time

Kids can get a lot of benefit out of programs and activities in the community or in schools during “out-of-school time.” But all opportunities are not equal. You can leave less to chance and do a lot to ensure that your child gets the maximum benefit from such activities—whether for fun, learning, childcare, or all three—by starting with the tips that follow.

Try it...

For all parents

Focus more on activities that help kids have fun, learn skills, and get to know other kids and adults than on activities that emphasize excelling. Consider reading Einstein Never Used Flash Cards by Kathy Hirsch-Pasek and Roberta Michnick Golinkoff (www.rodale.com).

Never punish your child by scaling back or cutting out activities in order for them to do better academically. Kids need to work hard at school, and they also need high-quality activities to grow up well.
Keep in mind that youth programs and opportunities often are part of larger programs at places like community centers, settlement houses, community learning centers, full-service schools, and museums and libraries.
(Suggestions from Youth Community Connections: Minnesota Partners for Healthy Youth Development, www.youthcommunityconnections.org.)

For parents with children ages birth to 5

Look for programs and activities that are fun for children. Programs that push children to excel can be harmful. The best programs for this age group are often ones that emphasize play.
Make sure that childcare settings provide a warm, nurturing environment, with age-appropriate toys and equipment. If you have any concerns, talk with the director or supervisor. If you are looking for care, talk to other parents, guardians, and grandparents about where their young children go.

Check out Head Start and Early Head Start. The mission of both these organizations is to support the healthy development of young children by providing services for education, socio-emotional development, physical and mental health, and nutrition for children in low-income families. You can find more information online at www.ehsnrc.org/.

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

Through local parks and recreation centers or community education, look for low-pressure, low-cost options such as beginning art classes, dance lessons, clubs, music classes, and other opportunities for youth to try new skills, be with other children, and have some structured time away from home.
Encourage your children to try both team activities (such as chess club or sports) and individual activities (such as music lessons, swimming, or art).
As best you can, support your children’s involvement by volunteering to help out, attending special performances or sessions, and getting to know the other parents and adults leading the program or activity.

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

Volunteer at your children’s school to lead or assist with a club or group such as chess, math, debate, DECA, Great Books, martial arts, Lego League, and so on. If your child doesn’t want your involvement, which can happen at this age, be involved behind the scenes, such as providing snacks for clubs or attending your child’s games (without cheering too loudly if your child finds that embarrassing).
Make it easier for you and your child to be involved in out-of-school activities by coordinating transportation, snacks, supervision, and any other related tasks and commitments with other parents.
It’s okay if your child wants to focus on one thing and work hard to excel at that. As long as your child is passionate about the activity, having one activity is just as okay as having a number of them.
Present your kids with a variety of options for activities and help them think about which ones best fit their interests.

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

Encourage your teenagers to look for and ask about new or emerging leadership roles in organizations they have been involved with in the past.

If young people become tired of something they used to engage in, encourage them to talk with the adults and other older youth involved about adding new elements or challenges to the program. Help them develop a strategy for how to initiate these conversations.

Keep talking with other parents about how their young people spend their time so you have a broad sense of what’s out there and available. At this age you can’t make the decision for your kids, but you can certainly help them filter through the options.