Discipline: When You Don’t Know What to Do

“Without discipline, there’s no life at all.”—Katharine Hepburn, American actress

You want your child to act one way. Your child acts the opposite way. You say something, and your child doesn’t listen. You try a different approach, and that doesn’t work either. Try these ideas when you’re stumped about how to discipline your child in ways that work.

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For all parents

• Approach discipline as a way of teaching your child, rather than punishing your child. Your kids will be more open to learning and changing their ways if they don’t feel threatened, shamed, or punished.
  
  
• Talk with other parents about your experience. Some ages are more difficult to discipline (such as toddlers, preschoolers, and certain ages of teenagers). If you’re stumped with disciplining your oldest child, seek out advice from parents with older kids. They often have perspectives and suggestions that are helpful.
  


• Team up with neighbors, teachers, extended family members, and friends to give kids consistent messages about boundaries and also in reinforcing those boundaries. You’ll have a much easier time convincing your child to act in a certain way if most people are backing you up and giving the same message.
  
  
• Try to keep money out of your discipline methods. For example, don’t give kids money to entice them to do something, and don’t cut their allowance for misbehavior. If your child hits his brother, discipline him by having him do his brother’s chore for the day (or the week).
  
  
• In today’s society, many parents have a hard time telling their kids no. Yet, kids of all ages need to know what to expect, how to act, and how not to act. (And their development will be a smoother process if they have a good balance of support and boundaries from their parents.) For more ideas, read the book No: Why Kids—Of All Ages—Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh, Ph.D..
  


• It is absolutely critical that you follow through with the consequences that you’ve laid out for your child. Giving in or letting kids talk you out of a consequence only creates problems later on for two reasons. First, your child won’t think boundaries are important later on. Second, this undermines your role and credibility as a parent. This isn’t to say there isn’t wiggle room. No rule is ironclad; however, make sure you change consequences only under considerable circumstances.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Child development experts say the most effective discipline technique for infants is distraction. Children under the age of 12 months of age do not have the cognitive development to choose “wrong” behavior. Thus, scolding, yelling, and punishing infants at this age will do nothing but frustrate you and your child. Instead, try to distract your child from whatever he or she is doing. Remove the item with which your child is playing or pick up your child and move her to a different spot. Do anything to get your child interested in something else.
  
  
• Young children need consistency in their lives in order to develop well, such as toilet training and eating healthy foods. Create predictable, consistent schedules. When your child resists, get creative—for example, become a taxi and give your child a ride on your back to the bathtub.
  
  
• To raise young children well, respond immediately to infants’ cries. Until children reach the age of 6 to 10 months, they are not able to make associations between their behaviors and the actions of others. That’s why it’s important to establish a sense of trust in your infant by responding sensitively to your child’s changing needs. Kids thrive best when they have a balance of support and consistent, predictable boundaries.
  
  
• Disciplining 2- to 5-year-olds is much more than trying to coerce or bribe them to do the right thing. It’s about teaching kids which behaviors are right and wrong—and why those behaviors are that way. This requires negotiating with children, pointing out why a behavior is wrong, alerting your child to the consequences of her behavior, and talking specifically about what’s right and wrong so that kids begin to internalize these messages. Ideally you want kids to internalize what’s right and wrong rather than just comply with authority.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Kids at this age become much more interested in electronics, such as video games, computer games, and TV shows. Place boundaries around how much time they spend on these “screen” activities, and make sure they’re also getting physical activity that they enjoy.
  
  
• Children at this age begin to notice the difference between what you say and what you do (if there’s any inconsistency). Instead of becoming defensive, admit when you’ve made a mistake. Set a good example, and then talk about how both kids and adults need to follow boundaries.
  
  
• If you find yourself stuck with how to deal with a specific behavior, consult a school counselor or school social worker. (They provide this service for free, and they often have lots of good tips.) Plus, they know that kids are more likely to do well in school if they have good behavior at home and at school. If you fear that this will create a “school record” on your child’s behavior, seek out help from a parent educator through your community education program.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your house becomes a high-tension zone. Kids at this age often question and resist most things you suggest. This is important for their development, but don’t let them by with everything. Choose which boundaries are most important, and be consistent with those. For example, you might need to let your child wear green hair as long as your child does well in school and doesn’t get into trouble.
  
  
• Find other caring, trusted adults for your child to connect to and spend time with. Whenever you’re stumped about what they’re doing, call this person and explain how you’re at your wit’s end. Ask if he can take your child out for ice cream or a soda and spend some time together. Afterward, ask this adult for tips on how to connect with your child.
  
  
• Know when to ground your child—and when not to. For more ideas, check out the online article Grounded! How to Make Discipline Work.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue to talk with your teenager about what you expect in terms of behavior, but have more conversations about values. Explain why you want your kids to act a certain way. For example, “I know you’re dating, but I think it’s better not to have sexual intercourse as a teenager. I waited until I was married, and I’m glad I waited. You develop deep bonds with someone you’ve had sex with, and I believe that’s important to have with one lifelong partner.” See what your teenager has to say. Encourage your teenager to express his or her values and then go from there.
  
  
• Use current and school events to bring up tough topics, such as drinking and driving, weapon use, pregnancy, drug use, and so on. You can always find an example on the news (and sometimes in your school or community) of people behaving badly. Sometimes it’s easier to talk about tough topics and your views on behavior when it’s someone you don’t know.
  
  
• As your teenager gets older, talk about how she needs to be the “captain of herself.” That means that when your child moves out or goes to college, you won’t be there to remind her about certain things. During the older teenage years, gradually back off (and be clear to your teen about consequences) so that by the time your teen is a senior, she is more in charge of her life while also respecting others in your household. You don’t want your teen to feel too constrained before moving out, because too many of these kids often “go wild” without parents around.
  
  
• Expect older teenagers to make mistakes. This is part of growing up. Be firm, but also be empathetic. Show them the way to make things right.
  
  
• Don’t get overly angry with your teenager for misbehavior (provided that you have set appropriate expectations for behavior). That way when your teenager misbehaves, all you have to say is, “You knew what the rules were and what the consequences would be.” Convey that the consequences are a result of your teen’s behavior. This helps teenagers understand that they are ultimately accountable for their actions.
  

When You’re Too Tired to Deal with Your Kids

“Tired minds don’t plan well. Sleep first, plan later.”—Walter Reisch and Charles Brackett, American writers

It’s a too-common parenting myth: you think once your infant starts sleeping through the night, you’ll be less exhausted. But the truth is, parenting has many moments that tax your system, cause you to lose sleep, and place demands on you that make you tired. Plus, when you add in your work, volunteerism, keeping up a home, and dealing with friends and family, you can often find yourself doing more than you should. So what can you do when you’re too tired to deal with your kids? Try these ideas.

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For all parents

• Pace yourself. Parenting is not a race. Think of it as a run that lasts forever. While it’s true that active parenting is most intense while your children are living at home, you’ll still find yourself parenting your adult children, depending on the choices they make after they move out.
  
  
• Take care of yourself. Figure out creative ways to get rest and to rejuvenate yourself. Some parents take short naps during the movie when they take their kids to the movie theater. Others cut back on their activities so they have a little down time (which often isn’t easy to find when you’re a parent).
  
  
• Know that you’re not alone. Many parents feel tired because of our society’s unrealistic expectations. Too many parents are working long hours, working more than one job, or being single parents who are trying to juggle everything.
  
  
• Talk with other parents. Learn how they get rest. See if you can trade off so that one parent is with the kids of two or three families while the other parents rest or take a break. This is especially helpful for single parents who often feel they don’t have any breaks at all.
  
  
• Make sure your child is sleeping well, otherwise you won’t be sleeping well. For ideas on how to help your child sleep through the night, read The Sleep Book for Tired Parents by Becky Huntley.
  
  
• When you’re overly tired, you will not parent well. Your temper may flare easily. Your thinking may be muddled. If you’re exhausted and your child is pushing your buttons, say you need a time out. (Kids are often surprised when their parents give themselves a time out.) Explain that once you’ve gotten some rest and perspective, you can deal with the situation that your child has brought to you.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Whether you’re a parent who works outside of the home or you’re a stay-at-home parent, you’re going to get tired. If possible, take naps when your children nap, and remember, it’s okay to leave dirty dishes in the sink or let some housework go. Put yourself first and get some rest when you can.
  
  
• Once your children outgrow naps, continue to have a daily “quiet time” if your child is at home with you, or at the child care center if you work. Turn out the lights. Allow children to have a flashlight and use their “whisper voices” and allow them to do quiet activities, such as looking at picture books or playing very quietly. While your children have a quiet time, you can do the same. Consider meditating or taking a short nap.
  


• Find someone you can trust to give you occasional breaks. Maybe a grandparent or an uncle will spend time with your child while you rest or catch up on things. Or maybe you can get a referral from a friend about a great baby-sitter who loves kids.
  


• Young children are notorious for waking up earlier than their parents want them to. Consider getting your child a digital clock to place near your child’s bed. Write the appropriate wake-up time on a piece of paper and post it near the clock. Your children don’t need to be able to tell time, but they can practice matching the numbers. Explain that if they wake up before the numbers on the clock match the numbers on the paper, they can play quietly in their room. Then when the numbers match, they can wake you up.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Although children at this age still need supervision, you can take a 15- to 20-minute nap while they’re in the house during the day. Lock all the doors and be clear that your children are not to answer the door or go outside. Explain that you need some quiet, rest time. At first, your kids may interrupt you, but if you continue doing this on a regular basis, they’ll quickly catch on and respect your wishes to take a break.
  
  
• Encourage extended family members (and family friends you trust) to spend time with your children. Not only is this great for your kids, but it’s also important for you to have a much-needed break. When your kids are away, put yourself first. Nap. Take a walk. Then look at your to-do list.
  
  
• Don’t be surprised if your children send you into a short-term sleep deprivation period when they get sick, have a series of nightmares, or hit a stressful period in their lives when they can’t sleep. They will wake you up, and it’s important to care for them in the middle of the night.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Sleepovers often become “stay-up-all-night” events for this age group. Be firm about rules regarding leaving the house and quiet times. If they are noisy and cause you to lose sleep, take away their sleepover privileges for a while. Some parents even set a time limit for lights out (such as at midnight) and say that kids can continue to talk quietly with flashlights but can’t be roaming around the house after that time.
  
  
• As kids start to go through puberty, their sleep schedules tend to change. They become more nocturnal and can sleep until noon (or later). When this starts to happen, emphasize how your child needs to respect the other sleep habits of other family members. Many parents have to get up early to go to work (or do other activities), and they need a good night’s sleep—as does everyone else in the house.
  
  
• Since this is a time when many kids question authority that can create a lot of tension in your home, which can also make you tired. Find ways to care for yourself so that your nerves aren’t always shot. Take a hot bath. Shoot some hoops. Work out at the gym. Go for walks. Do yard work to relax. Read funny novels. Do what you can to take care of yourself.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• As teenagers become more independent, you may find yourself having trouble sleeping, particularly if they’re out late (and driving your car) or are on a date (and you’re wondering what they’re doing). Talk with other parents about how they handle the stress and worry of parenting older teenagers. You’ll quickly discover you’re not alone.
  
  
• Model how to take care of yourself. Older teenagers often are testing to see how far they can push their bodies in regards to sleep, eating, activity, and so on. Talk about how it’s important to have downtime in addition to activity. Explain how you feel when you don’t get enough sleep. Then model a healthy, balanced lifestyle for your teenager to observe.
  
  
• Don’t be surprised if you discover your activity levels need to change as teenagers get older. Many parents find themselves overwhelmed when their teenagers become involved in a sports team, a musical group, or are considering college. (For tips on how to maneuver the exhausting college application process, read the article, Parent-to-Parent: Staying Sane During the College Application Process). Realize that you’ll have more time once your teenager leaves the house, so it’s okay to let go of some of your personal activities until later. Pacing is the key to parenting well.
  

When Your Child Gets Mad

“Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.”—Harriet Goldhor Lerner, American psychologist

Doors slam. Kids yell. Or your child refuses to speak to you—or just wilts. It’s not fun when your child gets mad. Kids can really hurt you when they lash out at you. Yet, it’s important to teach kids how to understand their anger, how to express it in constructive ways, and how to use this powerful emotion to make positive change.

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For all parents

• Examine your view and comfort with anger. What did your parents teach you about expressing anger? How comfortable are you with the emotion? Some people are quick to lose their cool (and feel comfortable doing so), while others like to avoid any type of anger or conflict. Both extremes are not helpful. What’s important is to learn how to recognize your feelings, make sense of what they’re telling you, and expressing your feelings in a way that clarifies the issue and encourages people to want to work on the issue rather than flee—or lash back.
  


• Notice what makes you mad—and what makes your kids mad. Are there patterns? It’s easy to assume that kids only get mad when they don’t get their way, but anger is more complicated than that. Your child may get upset when someone picks on another child. Or your child may get mad when she doesn’t get enough time to do art—or play outside.
  


• Tell your kids that all feelings are acceptable and important. Also say that it’s important to express emotions in ways that are respectful to others. No one likes to be yelled at. Sometimes an angry person needs to calm down before saying something. Teach your kids to slow down and unwind when they get angry.
  
  
• A helpful book that shows how to use anger wisely (and not get stuck in blaming) is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D., sold on Amazon.com.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Label your child’s emotions when your child expresses them so that your child can learn what they are. For young children, it’s often best to keep the labels simple, such as mad, sad, and glad. When your child starts to yell or hit, say, “You’re mad. No yelling or hitting when we’re mad. Let’s calm down first and then we’ll talk about why you’re mad.”
  
  
• Intervene immediately when children lash out at others in anger. Don’t allow anyone to get hurt just because someone is mad.
  
  
• Count aloud to 10 and have your child take slow, deep breaths when he or she gets angry. Talk about how this helps to calm down the emotion so that you can talk about it later. If your child still isn’t calm after counting to 10, count again. Repeat as often as necessary. Sometimes you may need to have your child lie down (and rub his or her back) or just take a break in a quiet place.
  
  
• Talk with your kids about the consequences of their anger. It’s not too early to get them working on their empathy skills. For example, if your daughter yells and hits another child, calmly explain how her anger made the other child feel. (Maybe the child got hurt, scared, or sad.) Then ask what happens when someone gets mad at her and how it makes her feel.
  
  
• After your child is calm, ask simple questions to help your child articulate his or her feelings. Don’t be surprised if your child begins to get angry again. (If this happens, do the calming technique again.) Ask questions, such as: What made you mad? What would make it better?
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Talk about anger with your child. Sometimes during the early childhood years, kids learn to suppress their feelings in order to control them. It’s important to remind children that everyone has feelings, and that all feelings are normal. (It’s the expression of these feelings that often need lots of practice.) If your child has a hard time thinking of what makes him or her mad, talk about what angers you. For example, “I get mad when dinner is late, and my stomach is growling and I’m really hungry,” or “I get mad when someone butts into line ahead of me at the grocery store.”
  
  
• Introduce your child to more emotion labels. For example, sometimes anger is actually frustration or being enraged or even being bored. One fun poster that shows 30 feelings and comical faces for each emotion is the Feelings Poster from Free Spirit.
  
  
• Check in with your child’s teacher about your child’s expression of anger and other emotions. Some children act differently at school than they do at home. If there are any concerns, work together to create a plan that will help your child.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t panic if your child begins lashing out in anger in inappropriate ways again. (Some parents think, “Didn’t this kid learn anything from me during the past decade? Why is he (or she) doing this now?”) Puberty can set your child off balance and overload your child’s emotional circuits. Thus door slamming, screaming, and other inappropriate expressions can occur. Try to remain calm (although this is not easy) and ask your child (once he or she is calm) what’s bothering him or her. Be clear about appropriate ways to express anger (such as running around the block, pounding on a pillow, or yelling while vacuuming), and keep teaching these messages over and over.
  
  
• If your child is emotionally savvy, talk about how many people can experience two or three different emotions at once. The term “bittersweet” acknowledges the feeling of loss and also warm feelings at the same time.
  
  
• Some kids need a physical release for their strong emotions. Channel it in positive ways, such as having them learn one of the martial arts (karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, or fencing) or by playing a sport that gets them to move their body a lot (such as soccer, long-distance running, skiing, etc.).
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Model and teach your teenager more complex methods of conflict resolution, such as consensus, collaboration, compromise, and so on. Find out more at Mind Tools.
  
  
• Talk about respecting and valuing other people’s views, especially those that differ from your own. If your family enjoys debate, create a debate where each family member has to convince others of the “opposite” of one of his or her beliefs. This helps you clarify your own views and also see the merit in other people’s views.
  
  
• Examine the justice issues that make your teenager mad (and make you mad too). Some get upset about global warming. Others become angry when people don’t vote. As a family, talk about the issues that anger you and why. Then see if there’s something you can do to make a step toward positive change.
  
  
• Be open about the positive steps you’re making to resolve an issue that makes you mad. For example, if the bank slaps you with an unfair finance charge, show your teenager how you’re providing written documentation in your defense, how you’re talking with people at the bank who can help you (and being calm and assertive while you do this), how you’re following up if the response seems slow, and how you thank people for helping you along the way. Moving from anger to positive change is a slow, complicated process, and showing your teenager the steps you take will help him or her in the long run.
  

Thanksgiving as an Asset-Building Holiday

“Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action.”—W. J. Cameron, American writer and editor

On Thanksgiving, many families and friends gather together to give thanks for the good things in their lives—and also to enjoy a meal together. Make this annual holiday an asset-building holiday by honoring your family’s traditions while also creatively adding some new activities.

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For all parents

• As a family, talk about what you like and dislike about Thanksgiving. Your kids may surprise you: some really enjoy annual traditions while others get bored with them. Discuss the importance of traditions and why certain customs are important to pass down through the generations. The trick, however, is to balance meaningful traditions and new activities.
  
  
• Ask your children what they would enjoy doing with the adults after the meal. Some enjoy playing card or board games. Some like to do puzzles or art projects. Some want to get outside and play. A 15-minute game of catch or tag can invigorate a Thanksgiving. For creative Thanksgiving ideas, visit the Family Fun Web site.
  
  
• Plan an activity where each person present names something he or she is thankful for in the past year. It could be the birth of a new family member, moving to a new house, starting school, or getting well after being sick.
  
  
• Figure out ways for kids and adults of all generations to connect and talk. For example, have kids interview grandparents about what school was like when they were children. Or have grandparents ask kids about their favorite toys and activities.
  
  
• Consider taking annual photos of the people who attend your Thanksgiving. Or consider videotaping an interview with the oldest person there.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Keep your child on his or her daily routine. Holidays often become difficult because your young child becomes over stimulated by the change and you get caught up in additional activities. Naps, snacks, and other daily routines are important on holidays so that your child doesn’t get overtired or hungry.
  
  
• Pack a bag of activities for your child if you celebrate Thanksgiving away from home, or visit the library a few days before Thanksgiving to check out new picture books.
  
  
• Monitor your child’s reactions to other people at the Thanksgiving celebration. Some children become overwhelmed with too many new people, while others thrive on the attention.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• At this age, children are beginning to learn the significance of Thanksgiving. If possible, research how Thanksgiving began and talk about what interests your child.
  
  
• If your child enjoys art, consider a Thanksgiving art project where your child draws a turkey by tracing his hands. This can become an annual family keepsake.
  


• Sometimes children at this age find Thanksgiving way too sedentary, especially if your celebration mainly consists of preparing food, eating, and then watching television. Even though other adults may not wish to participate, figure out ways to get the wiggles out of your kids by planning something physical, such as a family walk, kicking around a soccer ball, or running races up the stairs.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Depending on your child’s personality and how she is maneuvering through puberty, don’t be surprised if she balks at the Thanksgiving celebration. Talk about how it’s important for everyone to participate and eat together. Allow your child to bring a book, sketchpad, or other activity and have some alone time during the day.
  
  
• Model and teach your child how to be thankful. Even if your kids think Thanksgiving is dumb, point out all the hard work someone put into cooking and creating traditions.
  
  
• Bring your sense of humor. Kids at this age often perk up and are more willing to participate if they sense fun and humor at an event. If you’re not sure how to do this, ask everyone at the table what the worst Thanksgiving was and why (as long as you’re not bringing up old wounds) or ask individuals to reveal their most embarrassing moments.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• By this age, teenagers often sense the importance of Thanksgiving, although some would rather spend the holiday with a friend’s family. As long as they don’t do this every year, consider allowing them to do that. Or think about having your child attend your Thanksgiving celebration for a while before heading to a friend’s Thanksgiving.
  
  
• If your teenager plays an instrument well, is an artist, or enjoys writing, consider having her perform a musical selection, show others his or her art, or write letters to family members who cannot attend.
  
  
• Consider spending part of your Thanksgiving (or Thanksgiving weekend) helping others by doing a family service project. See the Everyday Parenting Ideas newsletter about family volunteering for creative ideas.
  

Helping Your Child Make Sense of Advertising

“Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.”—Will Rogers, American humorist

Advertising is everywhere: on TV, on pop-up ads through the Internet, in magazines and newspapers, on billboards, in your mailbox—everywhere where someone hands you a flyer or sticks one around the handle of your front door. How do you help your child make sense of all these messages? Consider these ideas.

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For all parents

• Be aware that advertising is a powerful force. If you don’t help your child make sense of advertising, your child may be influenced in ways that you don’t value. As a parent, be a guide to help your child become aware of advertising and how it affects him.
  
  
• Talk about advertising and how you interpret it. When do you pay attention to it? When do you ignore it? Overall, are you happy that there are so many advertisements? Why or why not? Start discussions with your kids to learn what they think about advertising, and talk about your thoughts on the issue.
  
  
• Know how advertisers are influencing your kids. Half of all advertising for children and teens is for food—and 34 percent of all advertising targeted to young people is for candy and snacks. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation Food for Thought report, “Food marketing is a predominant part of the television advertising landscape for children and . . . exposure to such messages is substantial while their exposure to countervailing health messages on TV is minimal.” Of the 8,854 food ads reviewed by researchers of this report, none were for fruits or vegetables.
  
  
• Be clear about how you spend your money and why. Advertising influences our shopping choices, and advertising may lead to overspending if you’re not careful about your budget.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Keep young children away from advertising as much as possible. The American Psychological Association recommends that advertising targeted to children under the age of 8 should be restricted.
  
  
• Instead of letting young children watch TV, have them watch age-appropriate, pre-recorded movies and TV shows that you can rent for free from your local library or for a small fee from your local video rental store. If you record TV shows, skip through the commercials when your child watches the show. If you are watching a TV show live with your child, mute the channel during commercials and do jumping jacks together.
  
  
• Make shopping lists before you go shopping. Talk about what you’re going to buy and why. If your child sees something in the store that he or she saw advertised, say, “That’s not on our list. We can think about it for another shopping trip, but we aren’t buying that today.” If your child continues bringing up the topic of that item, talk through why you think it’s worth buying—or not.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Occasionally watch TV (or sit with your child when he or she is online) and ask questions about the ads. Ask questions such as: What is the message of this ad? How does it make you feel? What is the advertiser not telling us? Point out how advertising often makes people feel that something is missing from their lives, like fun, relaxation, being loved, and so on.
  


• Say something when you see an offensive ad. Some ads are sexist or stereotypical. Some make outrageous claims (and then try to bury pertinent information in small print). Talk about this when you see it so your kids can learn that not all advertising is helpful.
  
  
• One day, do an advertising count. See how many ads you and your kids notice as you follow your daily routine. Keep a running total but also point out all the places where you may overlook advertising, such as hearing an announcement broadcast about a sale when you’re at a store, or an ad that accompanies a bill or statement you get in the mail.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Talk about how advertising appeals to our emotions. Kids at this age often worry about their appearance and how others treat them, so they’re very susceptible to advertising that tries to alleviate their worries. With your kids, identify the emotions and the possible “cure-all” that the advertisement may be promoting.
  


• Encourage kids to slow down their spending. Advertising wants us to buy something right away. Have kids think about what they want to buy and why. Then have them wait a day or two (or longer if it’s a large purchase) before spending the money. Talk about how much easier it is to spend money than to earn money.
  
  
• Have your kids explore PBS’s “Don’t Buy It.” Web site, which teaches them to become more media savvy about advertising.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Tell your teenager about a time when you spent money because of an advertisement, and it turned out to be a bad investment. If you remember the emotion the advertisement was appealing to, point that out as well. We’ve all had times when we thought shopping would lift our spirits or a product would have some type of magical effect.
  
  
• Introduce your teenager to the publication Consumer Reports, which your local library should have. Start by opening up to the back and looking at the index of items. The November issue is generally a popular one with older teenagers since it usually explores the latest technological gadgets, such as cell phones, mp3 players, digital cameras, and so on. Find an item that your teenager is interested in and read the article together to find out what the scientists at Consumer Reports have to say. Or visit the Consumer Reports Web site.
  
  
• Together look for spot product placement in video games, movies, TV shows, and on the Internet. It’s not coincidence when a character wears a branded shirt or drinks a branded soft drink or uses a branded computer. Talk about what you see and how that character can influence how you feel about a product.
  
  
• The PBS show Frontline did a report on how advertising affects teenagers. Check out the results on the PBS Web site.
  

Helping Kids Discover What They Love to Do

“Sparks are the hidden flames in your kids that light their proverbial fire, get them excited, tap into their true passions.”—Peter Benson, author of Sparks: How Parents Can Help Ignite the Hidden Strengths of Teenagers

If you were to name the one or two things that really get your child excited, that get your child ready to jump out of bed in the morning, what would those things be? For one child, it might be running outside to kick a soccer ball. For another, it might be making up a fantastical story. Someone else might love to tinker with a computer. Every child has at least one unique, worthy, and passionate interest or talent. Search Institute calls this passionate interest or talent an individual’s “spark.” Everyone has a spark inside—a spark that is good and important. Helping kids find and develop their talents and interests is about helping them become the best that they can be. Helping to ignite the sparks within our children will allow them reach their full potential and contribute to making the world a better place for us all.

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For all parents

• Learn more about sparks. Search Institute has done extensive research on the topic and has also created practical ideas on how to identify and nurture your child’s spark. Start at www.ignitesparks.org.
  


• Begin talking about your child’s natural interests and talents. Every family member has a spark—or a set of sparks. Discuss what yours are and how they give meaning to your life. Ask other family members about their sparks and how they’re going. Make “sparks” a common conversation starter.
  


• Be careful not to push your kids. Your job as a parent is to provide lots of opportunities and support for your kids. Assist, don’t direct, in this process.
  
  
• Get to know other individuals who are pursuing their passionate interests and talents. Sometimes, it’s helpful to find people who have a similar spark to yours. Other times, you can learn a lot from people who have a spark that’s different, and you see how everyone shares similar ups, downs, and discoveries along their spark journey.
  
  
• Support and encourage the sparks of your kids—and other people’s kids. Some people do this by becoming an assistant coach, a club leader, or just by asking kids how their sparks are going when they see them.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Notice what your young child gravitates toward. Is it building with blocks? Paging through picture books and making up stories? Dressing stuffed animals? Making your living room into a jungle gym and climbing over everything? These activities all give hints to what your child’s interests and natural abilities are.
  
  
• Create a daily routine that gives your young child structure but also allows for creativity to explore new things. For example, do an art activity, something physical, a story activity, and an outdoor activity every day. These can be simple, such as taking a walk to find bugs in the summer and stop signs in the winter. Pay attention to what gets your child excited.
  
  
• As young children grow, their interests can change. Make room for that. If they were in constant motion at age 2 and then want to do lots of art at age 3, follow their interests and don’t worry about the changes. These changes can be typical for some kids.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Continue to expose your children to new things so they can continue to explore new potential sparks. For example, visit different types of museums in your area—a train museum, a children’s museum, an art museum, a science museum, and a history museum.
  


• Give your children options for sports and arts activities. Sign up for one or two that interest them the most. Then have them stick it out for the duration of the scheduled season or activity and see what develops.
  
  
• If kids want to quit an activity, talk about their feelings and why they feel the way they do. Affirm their feelings but also teach kids that it’s important to stick with things, even if it’s for only eight sessions.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your child begins to drop activities they’ve been doing for years. This is common for some young teenagers because of puberty and the rapid changes in their brains. For more information about this, see the book Magic Trees of the Mind by Marian Diamond, Ph.D.
  
  
• If your child does want to drop an activity, tell him he can do so only if he finds a replacement. This is an important boundary that also empowers kids to choose something new. Because of the changes going on in their brains, it’s tempting for many kids to drop activities yet be too self-conscious to add new ones. Reassure your kids, but be firm about having them find a replacement.
  
  
• Continue to emphasize the importance of practicing and sticking with things, even when they get hard or boring. For example, tell your child she needs to practice her instrument 30 minutes a day before she can have computer or friend time.
  
  
• Support your kids’ sparks by attending their concerts, games, and other events. Tell your kids that you’re proud of them and of the progress they’re making.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Make it a habit to check in with your teenager about his spark on a regular basis (such as once a week or once a month, depending on what the spark is). Ask your teenager where he is with his talents and interests. Is he excited? Has he hit some obstacles? What difficulty has he just worked through? Who supports him best?
  
  
• Thank the adults who support and nurture your teenager’s spark. Send them a card or an email and tell them how much you appreciate what they do.
  
  
• Continue to nurture your talents and interests as well. Teenagers not only learn about living the spark-driven life by experience, but also by observing the adults around them. Set a good example. When your journey isn’t going well, talk about it and how you’re dealing with the difficulty.
  
  
• Celebrate when your teenager hits significant milestones with her spark. For example, your teenager may be recognized at school or in the community newspaper. Or the milestone may be more personal, such as putting in 100 hours of volunteer work at the animal shelter. All these milestones are momentous and are important to recognize.
  

Get More Spark Ideas!
Sparks: How Parents Can Help Ignite the Hidden Strengths of Teenagers by Peter Benson, president of Search Institute, includes thought-provoking research results on sparks and practical ways to discover and nurture your teenagers sparks.

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Visit MVParents.com and read more about Sparks: Bringing Out the Best in Kids, our newest Parenting Matters resource.

Voting: An Asset-Building Approach

“It’s not the hand that signs the laws that holds the destiny of America. It’s the hand that casts the ballot.”—Harry S. Truman, 33rd president of the United States

On Election Day, we go to the polls to vote for the people who will lead our country, our states, and our communities. Although only adults can vote, you can include your kids in ways that help them become engaged citizens who can’t wait to vote when they turn 18. Consider these ideas to make Election Day a family day.

Try it...

For all parents

• Take your kids with you to the polls. Young children can often accompany parents into the polling both, and older kids will pick up a lot of the buzz by observing the process from a distance. Most polling places enjoy having kids come, and many make them feel right at home, even though they’re not old enough to vote.
  
  
• If you’re comfortable talking about your political beliefs and choices, then talk about whom you are voting for and why. Explain what your hopes are for your country, your state, and your community. Then ask your kids for their opinions.
  
  
• Learn more about voting and elections by visiting the government’s citizen guide.
  
  
• Make Election Day a family day by watching the polling results and listening to what election forecasters have to say. Find a media source that you respect and pay attention to it.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• If your polling place gives out stickers that say, “I voted,” give your sticker to your child (or ask one of the organizers if your child can have a sticker of her own). Most young children love wearing stickers, and many will proudly say, “I voted!” even though they’re not old enough to do so.
  
  
• Find a photograph of the president in a book, on the Internet, or in a magazine and show it to your child. Talk about how the president is the leader of country. Even if you’re not a fan of the president, getting your child familiar with idea and the person will help him become more engaged in the process as he grows.
  


• Declare Election Day as red, white, and blue day and wear those colors. Make flag pictures together to hang on the refrigerator. Serve something red (strawberries), white (potatoes), and blue (blueberries) for a meal.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Talk simply about Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. Children at this age often become fascinated by the animal that represents a political party, such as the donkey and the elephant. If you’re interested in another political party (such as the Green Party) talk about that one instead of the Independents to keep the explanation simpler.
  


• Have your child (and other family members) vote for a leader at home. Create a ballot box and give only two or three choices. Design the ballot with pictures of those running for office. Don’t be surprised if your child picks someone based solely on “how nice” she looks. That’s okay at this age. Have someone tally the votes.
  
  
• Make the political process fun, even though it is serious business. Keep your strong opinions for adult conversations. You don’t want to turn your kids off to the process if you get overly emotional.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• As a family, research those running for office. Ask your kids to do research through the Internet and see what they find. Talk about what you’ve learned.
  
  
• Begin introducing the idea of political platforms and issues to your child. Together, learn which candidates advocate for which issues—and which issues are important to you and why. Get your kids’ opinions about important issues as well.
  
  
• Bring your child with you to a political caucus or primary. You don’t need to stay long to give your child a sense of what happens at these political events.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Encourage your teenager to get involved in the political process at school. Many high schools have political parties, debates, and straw votes during election time. Find out how the student body voted—and what your teenager thought of the results.
  
  
• Help your teenager register to vote when he turns 18. If you’re not sure how to register in your area, visit Project Vote. If your teen still lives with you, take him to the first voting election.
  
  
• Talk with your teenager about the contradictions and the political process. For example, some people question how a candidate can talk about “family values” after having an affair. Honor your teenager’s growing sophistication and maturity by not shying away from how politics can get mean or incoherent. Talk about why that happens.
  
  
• Have family discussions about candidates and the issues. Talk about why it’s important for family members to vote and be politically active.
  

Making Time for Family Time

“The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.”—George Santayana, American philosopher

American pianist Michael Levine says, “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” To be an asset-building parent and an asset-building family, you need to spend time together as a family. A number of families have found creative ways to do this so that they can connect in meaningful, positive ways. Consider some of these ideas.

Try it...

For all parents

• Designate a regular family time as part of your routine. Some families have a weekly family night. Others have a monthly family outing. Others have a daily family check-in during dinner or before bed. Figure out a routine that works for you and your family.
  


• Have fun together. Do activities that make you laugh, and enjoy being together. Some families play sports together. Others tell knock-knock jokes. Others have tickle fests.
  
  
• Get your kids’ input on how to spend family time. You may be surprised to learn that they want your family to get out more—or stay home more. Kids often have good ideas.
  
  
• If you attend a congregation, go to worship services together as a family. Participate in family-friendly congregational events, such as family volunteering.
  
  
• Eat meals together as a family. For discussion starters, visit Make Mealtime Family Time.
  
  
• Your family often will bond more if you can get out of the house and do something together where you don’t know other people. Take a trip to another city, suburb, or county and discover what’s there. Go to a sporting event, a museum, or a play.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Choose short activities that your children enjoy doing. Spend family time at a playground, a park, or at the library.
  
  
• Get down on the floor and hang out with your child. Ask your child what he or she wants to play and join in.
  
  
• Keep family time stress-free by following a routine where family members get enough rest, alone time, and together time. Parenting young children can be intense and exhausting, so pacing yourself is essential to enjoying each other’s company more.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Continue to expand your child’s world by visiting places as a family that your child has never seen before, such as a train depot, a radio station, or a park where people go canoeing and kayaking.
  
  
• Encourage your kids to make up new rules for familiar games. Kids at this age love creating new twists on old favorites.
  
  
• Do something active together. It’s too easy to have a weekly family TV night where you watch a show together. Mix it up. Play hopscotch outside. Go for a bike ride. Go swimming at a local pool. For more ideas on how to be active together, check out these Family Time Activities.
  
  
• Sometimes include grandparents and other extended family members in your family time. Show how your family includes not only your nuclear family but your extended family as well.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Follow your child’s interests and do family activities around what they want to do. (Take turns between family members so that you’re not doing the same thing over and over.) Some young teenagers enjoy sports, art, music, or visiting a certain store. As kids get older, they hear about places and activities from their friends that they’d like to explore.
  
  
• Encourage your child to invite a friend when your child begins to resist spending time with your family. Expand your family to include friends.
  
  
• Kids at this age sometimes get interested in activities such as cooking, gardening, tinkering with a car, and woodworking. Teach them the skills they’re interested in and do these activities together as a family.
  


• Consider getting the resource: Conversations on the Go: Clever Questions to Keep Teens and Grown-Ups Talking.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue to invite your teenager to family activities, but don’t expect them to attend every one. In some cultures, teenagers are becoming more individualistic, and it’s important not to stifle their independence. If your culture encourages a strong sense of community, be aware that the mainstream culture may cause conflict with your own traditions, making your teenager question what it means to be part of a family.
  
  
• Help your teenager find and nurture the balance between self-interest and family interest. For example, if your teenager refuses to participate in many family activities, be clear that certain family times are non-negotiable, such as attending certain holidays, the birthdays of family members, or some other activity like a wedding or funeral of an extended family member. Teenagers grow by following their own interests and by participating in family activities and traditions.
  
  
• Ask your teenager what he or she wishes your family would do together. You may be surprised at what your teenager suggests. One teenager surprised his family by saying he had always wanted to go on an archaeological dig, so the family planned an outing together and had a great time—even though no one had ever gone on a dig before.
  

When You Don’t Like Your Child’s Friend

“Worry is the darkroom in which negatives are developed.”—Anonymous

You hate to admit it, but your child has a friend you don’t like. Sometimes your dislike is based on something small, such as an annoying habit or quirk. But sometimes, your dislike is based on a major reason for concern, and you’re worried that your child’s friend will influence him or her in ways you don’t like. It’s not unusual for you not to like all of your kid’s friends. In fact, as kids grow, they’ll befriend all kinds of people. Here’s how to handle this situation.

Try it...

For all parents

• Know that only your kids can pick their friends. You can create opportunities for them to hang out with certain kids (especially when they’re younger), but your kids will be drawn to some people over others. It’s important to allow and respect that.
  
  
• If your child chooses a friend you don’t like, get to know that friend. Invite that friend over to your home so that you can learn more about him or her and monitor the situation a bit.
  
  
• If possible, get to know the friend’s parents in some way.
  
  
• Identity what bothers you about the friend. Is the friend bringing out an aspect in your child you don’t like (such as being more independent)? Does the friend remind you of a negative experience you’ve had in the past? Or is it a feeling that you can’t name yet? Become more aware of the specifics of what bothers you.
  


• Ask your child what he or she likes about this friend. (But be careful not to express your disapproval too strongly, since sometimes that will strengthen a friendship based on rebellion.) Discern what the attraction is to your child.
  
  
• Be a strong, positive influence on your child, particularly when you believe that a friend is a negative influence. Have your child spend time with other caring adults who are also positive influences. Try to counterbalance the negative with the positive.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Don’t be surprised if most young children under the age of 3 ignore other children. This is developmentally common, and it’s no cause for concern.
  
  
• As preschool children become more aware of other children and begin playing with them, some will develop strong preferences for certain kids while others will play with anybody. Both can happen, and both are normal.
  
  
• Some preschoolers have imaginary friends in addition to real friends, and some play only with imaginary friends. Ask your child for the imaginary friend’s name, and get to know that imaginary friend through your child. Take imaginary friends seriously, since they’re important to your child. If your child starts to use an imaginary friend as an excuse for bad behavior, be clear that all children, including imaginary ones, need to follow the rules.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• A lot of children during this age are very concerned about the “goodness” and “badness” of others. Many are quick to tattle on each other, and some can say downright mean things to each other. Be clear about what’s acceptable and what’s not, and remember that children are still learning what it means to be a friend.
  
  
• Bullying can be a problem at this age, and it’s important to intervene immediately and help all kids (bullies, victims, and other kids) learn how to get along, how to resolve conflicts peacefully, and how not to label each other so that a “bully,” “tattle tale,” or “victim” label sticks for the rest of their lives.
  
  
• Notice your child’s friendship patterns. Some children always seem to have a group of friends. Some constantly change friends. Some have one or two close friends. This all depends on their personality and whether kids are introverted and prefer one or two close friends or extroverted and prefer lots of friends. A helpful book is Nurture by Nature by Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Be aware that friendships can shift dramatically during this age period, particularly if your child had a lot of friends of the opposite sex. (Kids at this age tend to befriend kids of their own gender.)
  
  
• Friendships can become intense and all-consuming at this age. Your child can constantly be on the phone, text messaging others, and wanting to be running with friends. Monitor their friendships and make observations if you have concerns. For example, if your child is drawn to a child who has no boundaries, say, “It seems fun to have a friend who gets to do anything. I understand that. But I also worry, because your friend is always well during the weekend but then misses school two days a week because of not getting any sleep on the weekend. Friends are important, but so is school.”
  
  
• Don’t pry, but create an atmosphere of openness for your young teen. They need to figure out where they fit with friends and other peers, but invite them to come to you when they get overwhelmed or stuck.
  
  
• Continue to be aware for bullying and meanness. As kids go through puberty and become more aware of their sexuality, kids can become vulgar toward each other. Walk the fine line between letting them work out their own problems but also be ready to intervene if they get in over their heads.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• A teenager falling in love can be upsetting and worrisome to parents, especially if the relationship is intense and moves fast. Teenagers sometimes ignore all their other friends just to spend every moment with the person they’re dating. Acknowledge and respect the love that they feel, but talk about how it’s important to maintain other friendships as well.
  
  
• Talk to your teenager about what their friends are doing in terms of drinking, using drugs, doing pranks, and other activities. This can be a difficult age, particularly if your teenager wants to fit in with a group that requires questionable activities. Offer alternatives. Some teenagers can attend parties where alcohol is served, but not drink. Others find that too tempting. Keep the conversation open and inviting so that your teenager doesn’t feel judged.
  


• Even though your teenager is separating from you, talk with your teenager when you have concerns about a friend. Read the article When You Don’t Like Your Kid’s Friends that highlights when to step in (and when to stand back).
  
  
• Invite your teenager’s friends over often and get to know them by name. You’ll see most of them as they zip past you to your teenager’s room, but greet them as they scurry by and tell them how glad you are to see them (even if you have mixed or negative feelings about them).
  

Helping Your Child Get into the School Spirit

“Foster a sense of community among students.”—Alfie Kohn, American education expert

We want our kids to enjoy going to school (or child care). We want them to learn, to find friends, and to be excited about what happens at school. One of the best ways to foster a deep attachment to school is to help your child get into the school spirit. Here’s how.

Try it...

For all parents

• First find out what your child thinks about school. Some don’t feel comfortable with their school, while others get upset about certain aspects of it. Learn more about these issues. See what you can address. Help your child feel more at home at school before you encourage “school spirit.”
  


• Every school and child care center has a spirit to it, and teachers and students who enjoy being there create that spirit. Find out what your child enjoys about school. Even if it’s only lunch and recess, emphasize that. Lunch and recess are important social times, and having friends at school makes it more inviting to attend.
  
  
• Talk about what you admire about your child’s school or child care center. For example, point out the caring, interesting teachers. Or the first-class orchestra. Or the top-notch swimming team, the resourceful media center, the rich diversity of the student body, or the many after-school activities offered. Sometimes your child may take these aspects of school for granted. Help your kids notice what makes their school unique.
  
  
• Attend school events. Cheer on school teams. Admire the art made by the students that the school displays. Go to concerts and performances. Attend these school events with your child—or go to see your child in action.
  
  
• Purchase school attire and other items. If your school doesn’t offer these items, consider checking out the School Spirit Store.
  
  
• Find out if your child’s school has certain school colors and a mascot. Young children often get excited about the school mascot (particularly if it’s an animal), and you can all wear school colors to show your school spirit.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Child care centers and preschools often offer periodic parent and family activities. Attend these as often as possible. Your child (and you) are more likely to bond to a child care center or preschool if you know other adults and children there.
  
  
• If your child care center or preschool offers T-shirts for sale (or other items), buy them if you can. Children often are proud to wear T-shirts from their school, and they can be conversation starters for other people who see your child wearing them.
  
  
• Consider getting involved in a child care center or preschool parent board (or if your center doesn’t have one, see if you can start it). These boards often generate excitement by creating projects that help the school, such as building a playground (or buying new equipment for one) or recruiting elderly people to come in a read aloud picture books to the children (or rock the babies). Check out School Spirit Ideas if your school is looking for creative ideas.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Take a photo of your child in front of his or her school. Also consider taking a picture of your child with his or her teacher. Make an extra copy and have your child hang these photos in his or her room.
  
  
• If your child’s school has a playground, go there on the weekends (and in the summer) so that your child can play. This also helps your child get more into the school spirit and feel more home at school.
  
  
• Some schools have T-shirts, pencils, folders, or notebooks with their school name on them. Make a big deal of these items. Treat them with care, and encourage your child to use them often.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• At this age, kids start to become more aware of the high school colors. If you can afford them, invest in school shirts that your kids are excited to wear (hooded sweatshirts are often popular, as are pajama bottoms in school colors). Another idea is to buy shoes laces in school colors, which you can often find at arts and crafts stores or through the school, or if you know someone who enjoys knitting or crocheting, ask him or her to make a school scarf for your child in school colors.
  
  
• Continue to attend talent shows, concerts, games, and other school events, even if your child doesn’t want you to come. You can be in the background and not make a big deal, but kids do notice your support and your presence.
  
  
• Encourage your child to participate in before- or after-school activities. Sometimes these are not well publicized, so check with your school office for opportunities.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• School events often cost money, so consider creating a budget for your teen to attend theater performances, varsity games, and concerts. Although they typically aren’t too expensive, your teen most likely won’t attend them if they’re expected to pay. But many are happy to attend (and go with their friends) if you pay. If your teen enjoys a particular sport, such as varsity soccer or varsity football, find out if there is a season pass, which is often cheaper that paying by the game.
  
  
• Learn your school’s fight song. When you attend school events, sing along!
  
  
• Although school yearbooks, letter jackets, school dances, sweatshirts, and school rings can get expensive, they’re also important symbols that show teenagers’ pride in their school. Again, you don’t have to spend lots of money, but at least consider investing in the annual yearbook—or figuring out inexpensive ways for them to go to a dance. Or go to the arts and crafts store and buy inexpensive, plain T-shirts in the colors of your school.
  


• Subscribe to the school newspaper and/or the community newspaper and keep on top of the school news—or visit your local library and check out the latest issue for free. Then initiate conversations with your teenagers about what’s going on at school. They’re more likely to talk if you ask specific questions about specific topics, rather than asking the general, overused question, “How’s school?”
  
  
• Celebrate the times when your teen’s school is doing well, such as during sports championships, state music festivals, or even when your kids just have fun, such as at the homecoming dance or prom. You don’t have to go overboard, but teens notice when you’re proud of their school.
  

Getting to Know Your Child’s Friends

“All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them.”—Earvin “Magic” Johnson, American professional basketball player

Who are your child’s friends? What do you know about them? Getting to know your child’s friends not only helps you know more about your child, but it also helps you become an asset builder for more kids. You don’t need much time. You don’t need any money. The little things you do to get to know your child’s friends can make a big difference in their lives. Here’s how.

Try it...

For all parents

• Learn the names of all of your child’s friends. You may even want to consider creating a notebook with the information (particularly if your child has a lot of friends). Some asset-building parents keep a notebook that not only lists their child’s friends but also the names of the parents (along with phone numbers, e-mail addresses, or an address). This information is particularly helpful as kids become teenagers because then you can more easily touch base with parents when kids are out and about.
  
  
• Make your home a welcoming place for your child’s friends. Greet them by name. Smile and make eye contact with them. (Even if it’s the only time you see them.) Consider having activities that make your home “the place” to be. Some parents have a video-game console. Others stock their cupboards with treats. Some parents enjoy hosting parties. Others like to do projects with kids. Still others put up a basketball hoop so that kids can play games together.
  


• When you attend games, concerts, and performances, congratulate your child first afterward but also make it a point to say hello to other kids.
  
  
• Learn how to start meaningful conversations with kids by downloading the free two-page Conversation Starters for Groups of Parents (under Grading Grown-Ups 2002) on Search Institute’s Web site.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• If your child is in preschool or a child-care center, spend a few minutes with your child and the other children around drop-off or pick-up times. Get down on the floor (or sit at their tables). Say hello to the other children.
  
  
• Smile at young children whenever you see them. Get to know the names of the children of your neighbors, extended family, and employees. Say hi to these children and call them by name whenever you see them.
  
  
• Read young children’s faces for cues about how to act around them. (Some are very shy, and others may have had a hard day.) Interact with young children in ways that make them draw closer to you. Change what you’re doing if young children pull away or frown.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Find out the names of children your child meets at school. Invite one child over to your home at a time. At first, have activities planned during the playtime (in case the children discover that they don’t know what to do or find themselves squabbling). As children get older, they often become more independent in their play.
  


• Attend school events whenever possible. Ask your child to introduce you to their friends. Spend a few moments asking their friends questions such as: What do you love to play? What’s your favorite sport? What’s your favorite book?
  


• Consider creating birthday parties that help kids get to know each other—and also help you get to know them. Plan some get-to-know-you games, like games from the book Great Group Games.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• At this age, your kids may not like to spend much family time, so ask them to invite a friend to family activities and family getaways. This often makes family reunions and family activities more appealing.
  
  
• During the spring or summer, have your child and his or her friends plant a vegetable, herb, or flower garden in your yard or in a community garden. Offer to help out along the way. (Kids at this age are often most interested in the beginning steps of planting and later steps of harvesting but not much in between.) Projects such as these help kids get to know each other (while you also get to know them) and also helps them feel proud of what they’ve accomplished.
  


• Monitor how your child reacts to you getting to know their friends. Some are okay with you getting to know their friends’ names, but they may not be too happy if you become overly friendly with them.
  
  
• If you don’t like one or more of your child’s friends, distinguish between your preferences and areas of concern. (We all have people we prefer to be with, and the same is true with our child’s friends.) If you are concerned about one of your child’s friends (because the friend cuts class or uses drugs), say that your preference is not to be friends with people who can get you into trouble, and you want your child to use the same guideline that you do.
  


• Friendships sometimes can shift during this age as children move up to different schools. Continue to get to know their friends as these friendships change and emerge.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue to greet your teenager’s friends and ask them how they are. Some will be quite talkative, so make time to listen to what they have to say.
  


• If you see one of your teenager’s friends when you’re shopping or out in the community, go out of your way to say hello. Many appreciate the connection, especially if you notice what they’re doing. (Many older teenagers work and enjoy seeing someone who knows them.)
  


• Create a relaxed, home environment so that teenagers enjoy coming to your home. Some parents stock the refrigerator with juices and soda pop. Others always have a fresh loaf of banana bread out. Teenagers love to eat, and they’re more likely to talk when they have something to eat.
  

School Buses: Creating Better, Safer Rides

“Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with a half of a dozen lions—everyone but a school bus driver.”—Dr. Laurence J. Peter, American educator

Many kids get to and from school by riding a school bus, and that journey can determine how your child’s day begins—and ends. A number of communities have made the bus ride an asset-building experience, and as a parent, you also can make the experience better and safer with these ideas.

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For all parents

• Tell your children that riding a school bus is a privilege, not a right. The way they act on the school bus is important. They need to respect the bus driver and other riders, and they also need to follow the rules to ensure a safe ride.
  
  
• Model and talk about school bus safety. When you see a school bus, follow the rules by not driving around a bus. Give children time to enter and disembark safely. Visit the Web site, The School Bus Rules, for tips on school bus rules for parents.
  
  
• Find out if your school district has a list of bus rules or a student-parent-bus contract for everyone to sign. When everyone knows the rules, it’s easier to follow them and expect others to follow them as well.
  
  
• Be aware that the bus ride is one of the primary places for teasing and bullying. Find out how the school deals with bullying prevention on the bus in terms of expectations for behavior, the consequences for violations, and the training and support bus drivers get. Tell your child that he should not feel intimidated on the bus, and to come to you if that happens.
  
  
• Know your child’s route to the bus stop. Practice walking it with your child before the first day of school so that your child knows it well.
  
  
• Get to know your child’s bus driver. Introduce yourself on the first day of school and ask the driver for her name. When you see the bus driver, greet her by name, smile, and say how much you appreciate the work she does.
  
  
• Celebrate National School Bus Safety Week in the third week of October each year. For more information, check out National Association for Pupil Transportation.
  
  
• If possible, try to have at least one adult in your neighborhood stationed at the bus stop while children wait. If there are a lot of working parents, see if you can take turns to ensure there’s an adult to keep an eye on kids at the bus stop.
  
  
• On the last day of school, go out of your way to thank the bus driver. If you feel it’s appropriate, have your child make a thank-you card to give to the driver.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Some preschools and child care centers now have pick-up vans and small buses for transportation. If this is the case for your child, be clear that your child needs to sit in his seat at all times when on the bus.
  
  
• If your child has never ridden a bus, consider taking an excursion together on a city bus or on some type of mass transit. Talk about how the bus (or subway) helps people to get where they are going just like a car does.
  


• Keep reminding children to sit down as the bus moves. Many hop up when they see something interesting outside the window and can easily fall as the bus moves or turns.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Show your child the danger zone of a bus (which is about 10 feet around the outside of the entire bus). Explain how most accidents happen in this danger zone, which is why it’s important to be especially careful in this area and to get out of the danger zone as quickly as possible.
  
  
• If your child is afraid to ride the bus at first, consider riding the bus with your child. Or set up a time to volunteer at the school and accompany your child on the bus.
  
  
• Explain that the bus driver is like a teacher. It’s important for your child to listen and do what the driver says.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids at this age can get a bit rowdy on the bus. Continue to emphasize that they shouldn’t create unsafe conditions by being too noisy or moving around.
  
  
• Encourage your child to get to know the bus driver. Talk about how it’s not easy to be a bus driver, and your child can make a bus driver’s day by saying hello to her.
  
  
• If your child needs to bring a bulky item to school (such as a school project or a tuba or a double bass), consider giving your child a ride. Taking large items on the bus is not easy, especially if the bus has a lot of kids (which most do now because of budget cuts).
  


• Some kids enjoy riding the bus home with a friend. If your child wants to do this, check with the school office about what you need to do to make this happen. Some teachers or schools require a permission slip from a parent.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Some teenagers (especially those with cars) make fun of other teenagers who have to ride the school bus. Be clear that this is not acceptable. Many teenagers need to ride a bus to get to school, and one type of transportation is not better than another. In fact, point out how bus riders don’t have to pay for gas, car maintenance, or car insurance.
  
  
• Find out if your school requires teenagers to ride a bus to certain off-campus events, such as a college fair, a school dance, or a state tournament. Find out when buses are to leave and when they will return so that you know what to expect.
  
  
• If your teenager’s bus also picks up younger children, encourage your teenager to be kind and helpful to the other riders. Encourage them to greet and get to know the younger children, since many are terrified to ride a bus with so many “big kids.”
  

Getting Your Child Excited about the Arts

“All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”—Pablo Picasso, Spanish painter

Kids often line up in one or two camps when it comes to the arts: either they’re interested, or they’re not. Or, they think they’re either an artist or not. Yet all kids are artists, and art can be interesting—once your child discovers the type of art that excites him or her. Research from Developmental Assets: A Synthesis of the Scientific Research on Adolescent Development shows that kids who are involved in the arts tend to achieve more at school, have higher self-esteem, are more creative, and are more self-motivated. In essence, the arts are a key way to help your child succeed. Get your child more interested in the arts with these ideas.

Try it...

For all parents

• Incorporate art into your lifestyle. Even if you don’t consider yourself an artist, note how you have an eye for art. It may be through cooking, decorating, the clothes you wear, or in another activity. Art is much broader than just doing art projects.
  
  
• When you notice that something is beautiful or artistically pleasing, talk about. For example, maybe you like the architectural design of the community center, or the color combination of the school walls. Or a photograph, painting, or drawing captures your eye. Ask your child what he or she finds beautiful. To become more aware of everyday beauty, visit the blog – One Year of Beauty.
  
  
• Attend art showings at your child’s school, in your community, and in your congregation. Many coffee shops now display art, as do city and county halls, community centers, congregations, and local businesses. Many schools and communities are now recognizing local artists through art events and displays.
  
  
• Examine art from other cultures, such as madhubani folk art from India, pysanky eggs from the Ukraine, or West African masks. Try creating an art form from another culture—or one from your culture.
  
  
• Do art with your child. Even if it’s just finger-painting, coloring, or doing an art project, make art together. For art activities, visit Art Kids Rule!.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Make art part of your daily routine. Create opportunities for your child to paint. Draw. Color. Scribble. Create objects out of Play Dough^®.
  
  
• Check out a picture book with beautiful illustrations. Talk about the art you enjoy. Ask your child which pictures he or she likes.
  
  
• Visit children’s museums. Many of these are hands-on activity museums, but they expose children to art as well as activity.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• See if your child is interested in taking an art or craft class. Community centers and nature centers often offer one-time or short-term arts and crafts activities for kids.
  
  
• Post your child’s school art on your wall. Consider framing ones you especially like. You don’t need to invest much for a frame—many arts and crafts stores sell inexpensive frames that you can use over and over.
  
  
• Spend time together with the comics section of your Sunday newspaper. Ask your child which comics he or she likes best and why. Point out the different art styles. Consider having your child create a comic strip for fun.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• See if your child is interested in any of the manga or anime arts that are often popular with kids this age. (You can usually find them in the graphic novel section of your library of bookstore.) Some kids enjoy drawing this type of art, others enjoy trying to create costumes or hairstyles of the characters.
  
  
• If your child dislikes art, consider that it may be because he or she hasn’t discovered an art style that excites him or her. Many kids at this age enjoy cartooning or making jewelry. Keep introducing your child to different art styles.
  
  
• See what your child thinks of the technological arts, such as computer art, digital photography, videography, architectural drafting, or mechanical arts. Because many kids at this age enjoy technology, they may get interested in art through technological media.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• For a family outing, visit a museum and look at the art. Also watch for special art exhibits that come to town, such as those that feature a specific artist or art movement.
  
  
• If your teen enjoys art and is good at it, consider suggesting that he or she create an art exhibit for his or her senior year in high school. Or see if your teen is interested in selling art, or in submitting something to an art competition called Teen Ink Magazine. It is a publication devoted to publishing teen art and writing nationwide. For more information, visit Teen Ink and click on Magazine Edition.
  


• Fill your house with art, whether it’s inexpensive art that you find at garage sales or professional art. Having art in your home shows teenagers how much you value it.
  
  
• Build Developmental Assets by commissioning your teenager (and other kids) to create art for you to display in your home. Author Louise Erdrich says her father paid her a nickel for every story she wrote when she was a child, and she says this built her confidence in her ability to write and to get paid for it.
  

Creating an Ideal Homework Center

“Study from new books but from old teachers.”—Turkish proverb

Homework. Most kids complain about it, but kids who learn the skills to get their schoolwork done are much more likely to succeed in school. In Developmental Assets: A Synthesis of the Scientific Research on Adolescent Development, Search Institute research revealed that time spent on homework is associated with higher test scores, higher grades, improved scientific literacy, fewer behavior problems, and less marijuana use. You can help your child succeed by creating an ideal homework center in your home.

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For all parents

• With your child, locate a place in your home where your child can do homework each evening. This may be a desk, but it also may be the kitchen table.
  
  
• Together buy homework supplies. It’s better to have too many than not enough. (You don’t want a lack of pencils to become an excuse.) You don’t need to spend much money, but it’s helpful to have pencils, paper, a folder (or organizer to keep track of the homework), and erasers.
  


• If your child does not get a homework organizer from your school, create or buy one. Your child won’t be able to do homework if he or she doesn’t know what the assignments are. Getting organized and getting in the habit of tracking daily (and long-term) homework is a key skill to build in your child.
  


• What’s most important in your child doing homework well is not so much the amount he or she has, but how accurately homework is completed, the quality of homework your child has, and the thinking skills involved.
  
  
• Get more homework tips from the book How to Help Your Child with Homework by Jeanne Shay Schumm, Ph.D.
  
  
• Try to be present during your child’s homework times, especially when they’re younger. Sit next to them and offer to help them. Or if you have bills to pay, work you need to do from your job, or some other project, do it while your child is doing homework. Talk about how everyone has homework—even adults. Your modeling teaches your child a lot about the importance and value of homework.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Read aloud to your child every day—throughout the day. Although young children do not typically get “homework” (and developmentally, they shouldn’t), you can help keep them curious and learning by reading interesting picture books.
  
  
• Do something intellectually stimulating with your child every day. Go for a color walk where you look for specific colors, such as red, yellow, or blue. Bring in a snowball, or use an ice cube, and place it in a bowl for your child to see what happens as it melts. Visit a children’s museum.
  
  
• Remember to emphasize all parts of learning, not just memorization. Give kids time to practice cutting with child-size scissors, stringing large beads, drawing with crayons (or washable markers), jumping, running, and playing with other children. The kids who are most ready for kindergarten have been practicing all their skills: intellectual, social, emotional, and physical.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Attend back-to-school events and open houses at the beginning of the year to learn what teachers expect for homework. Getting on the same page with the teacher right away will help you know how to support your child in getting homework done.
  
  
• When your child does not have homework, have your child do a different type of learning so that he or she gets used to learning something extra every day. This can be as simple as reading a book or researching together on the Internet to learn why birds fly south for the winter, or trying a new element of art, such as drawing a portrait of your family pet. A helpful Web site for ideas is HomeworkSpot.
  


• Whenever you help your child with homework, be sure that your child is doing the homework (and you are not). Your role is to ask questions, give examples, and assist your child in learning concepts, not give them the answers.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• At this age, kids often throw out the homework skills they’ve mastered. Unfortunately, too many try to throw out homework all together. Be firm that homework still needs to be done. If your child wants to do homework in front of the TV while listening to an MP3 player, allow it as long as your child completes homework well and does well in school. If grades start to slip, set new rules where your child needs to focus more on homework and less on other distractions.
  


• Negotiate times for your child to do his or her homework. Some want a break after school. If so, set a time limit. You may also need to set limits on other things as well to ensure that your child is getting homework done—and done well.
  
  
• Keep in touch with teachers about your child’s progress in school. Many schools now have Internet portals where you can access your child’s grades, assignments, attendance, and tardies. If so, check this weekly (if your child is doing well) or daily (if your child starts to slip).
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• By this age, your teenager should have strong homework skills if you’ve been building them from an early age. However, some slip and others haven’t mastered certain skills. The biggest skill that many older teenagers often need is how to spread out long-term projects and how to study for major exams (such as the ACT, the SAT, AP and IB exams, and final exams). Pull out a calendar if your teen has trouble with this skill and have him or her break down these projects and test preparation into week-by-week (or day-by-day) chunks.
  
  
• Continue to offer your assistance for homework, but be clear about what you will and will not do. (Some parents end up pulling all nighters with their procrastinating teenager to help him or her get a project done.) One of the most helpful ways you can provide assistance is to proof papers and college essays. But work with your teenager to build in extra time for your feedback, in case you discover that the paper needs a heavy rewrite and not just a correction of a few typographical errors.
  


• Talk with high school counselors and teachers to create an academic schedule for your teenager from ninth to twelfth grade that challenges your teenager and deepens his or her skills. You want to keep your teenager growing (without boring or placing too much pressure on your teenager) so that he or she gradually masters skills to take the next step after high school.