When Your Child Gets Mad

“Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.”—Harriet Goldhor Lerner, American psychologist

Doors slam. Kids yell. Or your child refuses to speak to you—or just wilts. It’s not fun when your child gets mad. Kids can really hurt you when they lash out at you. Yet, it’s important to teach kids how to understand their anger, how to express it in constructive ways, and how to use this powerful emotion to make positive change.

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For all parents

• Examine your view and comfort with anger. What did your parents teach you about expressing anger? How comfortable are you with the emotion? Some people are quick to lose their cool (and feel comfortable doing so), while others like to avoid any type of anger or conflict. Both extremes are not helpful. What’s important is to learn how to recognize your feelings, make sense of what they’re telling you, and expressing your feelings in a way that clarifies the issue and encourages people to want to work on the issue rather than flee—or lash back.
  


• Notice what makes you mad—and what makes your kids mad. Are there patterns? It’s easy to assume that kids only get mad when they don’t get their way, but anger is more complicated than that. Your child may get upset when someone picks on another child. Or your child may get mad when she doesn’t get enough time to do art—or play outside.
  


• Tell your kids that all feelings are acceptable and important. Also say that it’s important to express emotions in ways that are respectful to others. No one likes to be yelled at. Sometimes an angry person needs to calm down before saying something. Teach your kids to slow down and unwind when they get angry.
  
  
• A helpful book that shows how to use anger wisely (and not get stuck in blaming) is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D., sold on Amazon.com.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Label your child’s emotions when your child expresses them so that your child can learn what they are. For young children, it’s often best to keep the labels simple, such as mad, sad, and glad. When your child starts to yell or hit, say, “You’re mad. No yelling or hitting when we’re mad. Let’s calm down first and then we’ll talk about why you’re mad.”
  
  
• Intervene immediately when children lash out at others in anger. Don’t allow anyone to get hurt just because someone is mad.
  
  
• Count aloud to 10 and have your child take slow, deep breaths when he or she gets angry. Talk about how this helps to calm down the emotion so that you can talk about it later. If your child still isn’t calm after counting to 10, count again. Repeat as often as necessary. Sometimes you may need to have your child lie down (and rub his or her back) or just take a break in a quiet place.
  
  
• Talk with your kids about the consequences of their anger. It’s not too early to get them working on their empathy skills. For example, if your daughter yells and hits another child, calmly explain how her anger made the other child feel. (Maybe the child got hurt, scared, or sad.) Then ask what happens when someone gets mad at her and how it makes her feel.
  
  
• After your child is calm, ask simple questions to help your child articulate his or her feelings. Don’t be surprised if your child begins to get angry again. (If this happens, do the calming technique again.) Ask questions, such as: What made you mad? What would make it better?
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Talk about anger with your child. Sometimes during the early childhood years, kids learn to suppress their feelings in order to control them. It’s important to remind children that everyone has feelings, and that all feelings are normal. (It’s the expression of these feelings that often need lots of practice.) If your child has a hard time thinking of what makes him or her mad, talk about what angers you. For example, “I get mad when dinner is late, and my stomach is growling and I’m really hungry,” or “I get mad when someone butts into line ahead of me at the grocery store.”
  
  
• Introduce your child to more emotion labels. For example, sometimes anger is actually frustration or being enraged or even being bored. One fun poster that shows 30 feelings and comical faces for each emotion is the Feelings Poster from Free Spirit.
  
  
• Check in with your child’s teacher about your child’s expression of anger and other emotions. Some children act differently at school than they do at home. If there are any concerns, work together to create a plan that will help your child.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t panic if your child begins lashing out in anger in inappropriate ways again. (Some parents think, “Didn’t this kid learn anything from me during the past decade? Why is he (or she) doing this now?”) Puberty can set your child off balance and overload your child’s emotional circuits. Thus door slamming, screaming, and other inappropriate expressions can occur. Try to remain calm (although this is not easy) and ask your child (once he or she is calm) what’s bothering him or her. Be clear about appropriate ways to express anger (such as running around the block, pounding on a pillow, or yelling while vacuuming), and keep teaching these messages over and over.
  
  
• If your child is emotionally savvy, talk about how many people can experience two or three different emotions at once. The term “bittersweet” acknowledges the feeling of loss and also warm feelings at the same time.
  
  
• Some kids need a physical release for their strong emotions. Channel it in positive ways, such as having them learn one of the martial arts (karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, or fencing) or by playing a sport that gets them to move their body a lot (such as soccer, long-distance running, skiing, etc.).
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Model and teach your teenager more complex methods of conflict resolution, such as consensus, collaboration, compromise, and so on. Find out more at Mind Tools.
  
  
• Talk about respecting and valuing other people’s views, especially those that differ from your own. If your family enjoys debate, create a debate where each family member has to convince others of the “opposite” of one of his or her beliefs. This helps you clarify your own views and also see the merit in other people’s views.
  
  
• Examine the justice issues that make your teenager mad (and make you mad too). Some get upset about global warming. Others become angry when people don’t vote. As a family, talk about the issues that anger you and why. Then see if there’s something you can do to make a step toward positive change.
  
  
• Be open about the positive steps you’re making to resolve an issue that makes you mad. For example, if the bank slaps you with an unfair finance charge, show your teenager how you’re providing written documentation in your defense, how you’re talking with people at the bank who can help you (and being calm and assertive while you do this), how you’re following up if the response seems slow, and how you thank people for helping you along the way. Moving from anger to positive change is a slow, complicated process, and showing your teenager the steps you take will help him or her in the long run.
  

Thanksgiving as an Asset-Building Holiday

“Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action.”—W. J. Cameron, American writer and editor

On Thanksgiving, many families and friends gather together to give thanks for the good things in their lives—and also to enjoy a meal together. Make this annual holiday an asset-building holiday by honoring your family’s traditions while also creatively adding some new activities.

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For all parents

• As a family, talk about what you like and dislike about Thanksgiving. Your kids may surprise you: some really enjoy annual traditions while others get bored with them. Discuss the importance of traditions and why certain customs are important to pass down through the generations. The trick, however, is to balance meaningful traditions and new activities.
  
  
• Ask your children what they would enjoy doing with the adults after the meal. Some enjoy playing card or board games. Some like to do puzzles or art projects. Some want to get outside and play. A 15-minute game of catch or tag can invigorate a Thanksgiving. For creative Thanksgiving ideas, visit the Family Fun Web site.
  
  
• Plan an activity where each person present names something he or she is thankful for in the past year. It could be the birth of a new family member, moving to a new house, starting school, or getting well after being sick.
  
  
• Figure out ways for kids and adults of all generations to connect and talk. For example, have kids interview grandparents about what school was like when they were children. Or have grandparents ask kids about their favorite toys and activities.
  
  
• Consider taking annual photos of the people who attend your Thanksgiving. Or consider videotaping an interview with the oldest person there.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Keep your child on his or her daily routine. Holidays often become difficult because your young child becomes over stimulated by the change and you get caught up in additional activities. Naps, snacks, and other daily routines are important on holidays so that your child doesn’t get overtired or hungry.
  
  
• Pack a bag of activities for your child if you celebrate Thanksgiving away from home, or visit the library a few days before Thanksgiving to check out new picture books.
  
  
• Monitor your child’s reactions to other people at the Thanksgiving celebration. Some children become overwhelmed with too many new people, while others thrive on the attention.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• At this age, children are beginning to learn the significance of Thanksgiving. If possible, research how Thanksgiving began and talk about what interests your child.
  
  
• If your child enjoys art, consider a Thanksgiving art project where your child draws a turkey by tracing his hands. This can become an annual family keepsake.
  


• Sometimes children at this age find Thanksgiving way too sedentary, especially if your celebration mainly consists of preparing food, eating, and then watching television. Even though other adults may not wish to participate, figure out ways to get the wiggles out of your kids by planning something physical, such as a family walk, kicking around a soccer ball, or running races up the stairs.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Depending on your child’s personality and how she is maneuvering through puberty, don’t be surprised if she balks at the Thanksgiving celebration. Talk about how it’s important for everyone to participate and eat together. Allow your child to bring a book, sketchpad, or other activity and have some alone time during the day.
  
  
• Model and teach your child how to be thankful. Even if your kids think Thanksgiving is dumb, point out all the hard work someone put into cooking and creating traditions.
  
  
• Bring your sense of humor. Kids at this age often perk up and are more willing to participate if they sense fun and humor at an event. If you’re not sure how to do this, ask everyone at the table what the worst Thanksgiving was and why (as long as you’re not bringing up old wounds) or ask individuals to reveal their most embarrassing moments.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• By this age, teenagers often sense the importance of Thanksgiving, although some would rather spend the holiday with a friend’s family. As long as they don’t do this every year, consider allowing them to do that. Or think about having your child attend your Thanksgiving celebration for a while before heading to a friend’s Thanksgiving.
  
  
• If your teenager plays an instrument well, is an artist, or enjoys writing, consider having her perform a musical selection, show others his or her art, or write letters to family members who cannot attend.
  
  
• Consider spending part of your Thanksgiving (or Thanksgiving weekend) helping others by doing a family service project. See the Everyday Parenting Ideas newsletter about family volunteering for creative ideas.
  

Helping Your Child Make Sense of Advertising

“Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.”—Will Rogers, American humorist

Advertising is everywhere: on TV, on pop-up ads through the Internet, in magazines and newspapers, on billboards, in your mailbox—everywhere where someone hands you a flyer or sticks one around the handle of your front door. How do you help your child make sense of all these messages? Consider these ideas.

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For all parents

• Be aware that advertising is a powerful force. If you don’t help your child make sense of advertising, your child may be influenced in ways that you don’t value. As a parent, be a guide to help your child become aware of advertising and how it affects him.
  
  
• Talk about advertising and how you interpret it. When do you pay attention to it? When do you ignore it? Overall, are you happy that there are so many advertisements? Why or why not? Start discussions with your kids to learn what they think about advertising, and talk about your thoughts on the issue.
  
  
• Know how advertisers are influencing your kids. Half of all advertising for children and teens is for food—and 34 percent of all advertising targeted to young people is for candy and snacks. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation Food for Thought report, “Food marketing is a predominant part of the television advertising landscape for children and . . . exposure to such messages is substantial while their exposure to countervailing health messages on TV is minimal.” Of the 8,854 food ads reviewed by researchers of this report, none were for fruits or vegetables.
  
  
• Be clear about how you spend your money and why. Advertising influences our shopping choices, and advertising may lead to overspending if you’re not careful about your budget.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Keep young children away from advertising as much as possible. The American Psychological Association recommends that advertising targeted to children under the age of 8 should be restricted.
  
  
• Instead of letting young children watch TV, have them watch age-appropriate, pre-recorded movies and TV shows that you can rent for free from your local library or for a small fee from your local video rental store. If you record TV shows, skip through the commercials when your child watches the show. If you are watching a TV show live with your child, mute the channel during commercials and do jumping jacks together.
  
  
• Make shopping lists before you go shopping. Talk about what you’re going to buy and why. If your child sees something in the store that he or she saw advertised, say, “That’s not on our list. We can think about it for another shopping trip, but we aren’t buying that today.” If your child continues bringing up the topic of that item, talk through why you think it’s worth buying—or not.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Occasionally watch TV (or sit with your child when he or she is online) and ask questions about the ads. Ask questions such as: What is the message of this ad? How does it make you feel? What is the advertiser not telling us? Point out how advertising often makes people feel that something is missing from their lives, like fun, relaxation, being loved, and so on.
  


• Say something when you see an offensive ad. Some ads are sexist or stereotypical. Some make outrageous claims (and then try to bury pertinent information in small print). Talk about this when you see it so your kids can learn that not all advertising is helpful.
  
  
• One day, do an advertising count. See how many ads you and your kids notice as you follow your daily routine. Keep a running total but also point out all the places where you may overlook advertising, such as hearing an announcement broadcast about a sale when you’re at a store, or an ad that accompanies a bill or statement you get in the mail.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Talk about how advertising appeals to our emotions. Kids at this age often worry about their appearance and how others treat them, so they’re very susceptible to advertising that tries to alleviate their worries. With your kids, identify the emotions and the possible “cure-all” that the advertisement may be promoting.
  


• Encourage kids to slow down their spending. Advertising wants us to buy something right away. Have kids think about what they want to buy and why. Then have them wait a day or two (or longer if it’s a large purchase) before spending the money. Talk about how much easier it is to spend money than to earn money.
  
  
• Have your kids explore PBS’s “Don’t Buy It.” Web site, which teaches them to become more media savvy about advertising.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Tell your teenager about a time when you spent money because of an advertisement, and it turned out to be a bad investment. If you remember the emotion the advertisement was appealing to, point that out as well. We’ve all had times when we thought shopping would lift our spirits or a product would have some type of magical effect.
  
  
• Introduce your teenager to the publication Consumer Reports, which your local library should have. Start by opening up to the back and looking at the index of items. The November issue is generally a popular one with older teenagers since it usually explores the latest technological gadgets, such as cell phones, mp3 players, digital cameras, and so on. Find an item that your teenager is interested in and read the article together to find out what the scientists at Consumer Reports have to say. Or visit the Consumer Reports Web site.
  
  
• Together look for spot product placement in video games, movies, TV shows, and on the Internet. It’s not coincidence when a character wears a branded shirt or drinks a branded soft drink or uses a branded computer. Talk about what you see and how that character can influence how you feel about a product.
  
  
• The PBS show Frontline did a report on how advertising affects teenagers. Check out the results on the PBS Web site.