Discipline: When You Don’t Know What to Do

“Without discipline, there’s no life at all.”—Katharine Hepburn, American actress

You want your child to act one way. Your child acts the opposite way. You say something, and your child doesn’t listen. You try a different approach, and that doesn’t work either. Try these ideas when you’re stumped about how to discipline your child in ways that work.

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For all parents

• Approach discipline as a way of teaching your child, rather than punishing your child. Your kids will be more open to learning and changing their ways if they don’t feel threatened, shamed, or punished.
  
  
• Talk with other parents about your experience. Some ages are more difficult to discipline (such as toddlers, preschoolers, and certain ages of teenagers). If you’re stumped with disciplining your oldest child, seek out advice from parents with older kids. They often have perspectives and suggestions that are helpful.
  


• Team up with neighbors, teachers, extended family members, and friends to give kids consistent messages about boundaries and also in reinforcing those boundaries. You’ll have a much easier time convincing your child to act in a certain way if most people are backing you up and giving the same message.
  
  
• Try to keep money out of your discipline methods. For example, don’t give kids money to entice them to do something, and don’t cut their allowance for misbehavior. If your child hits his brother, discipline him by having him do his brother’s chore for the day (or the week).
  
  
• In today’s society, many parents have a hard time telling their kids no. Yet, kids of all ages need to know what to expect, how to act, and how not to act. (And their development will be a smoother process if they have a good balance of support and boundaries from their parents.) For more ideas, read the book No: Why Kids—Of All Ages—Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh, Ph.D..
  


• It is absolutely critical that you follow through with the consequences that you’ve laid out for your child. Giving in or letting kids talk you out of a consequence only creates problems later on for two reasons. First, your child won’t think boundaries are important later on. Second, this undermines your role and credibility as a parent. This isn’t to say there isn’t wiggle room. No rule is ironclad; however, make sure you change consequences only under considerable circumstances.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Child development experts say the most effective discipline technique for infants is distraction. Children under the age of 12 months of age do not have the cognitive development to choose “wrong” behavior. Thus, scolding, yelling, and punishing infants at this age will do nothing but frustrate you and your child. Instead, try to distract your child from whatever he or she is doing. Remove the item with which your child is playing or pick up your child and move her to a different spot. Do anything to get your child interested in something else.
  
  
• Young children need consistency in their lives in order to develop well, such as toilet training and eating healthy foods. Create predictable, consistent schedules. When your child resists, get creative—for example, become a taxi and give your child a ride on your back to the bathtub.
  
  
• To raise young children well, respond immediately to infants’ cries. Until children reach the age of 6 to 10 months, they are not able to make associations between their behaviors and the actions of others. That’s why it’s important to establish a sense of trust in your infant by responding sensitively to your child’s changing needs. Kids thrive best when they have a balance of support and consistent, predictable boundaries.
  
  
• Disciplining 2- to 5-year-olds is much more than trying to coerce or bribe them to do the right thing. It’s about teaching kids which behaviors are right and wrong—and why those behaviors are that way. This requires negotiating with children, pointing out why a behavior is wrong, alerting your child to the consequences of her behavior, and talking specifically about what’s right and wrong so that kids begin to internalize these messages. Ideally you want kids to internalize what’s right and wrong rather than just comply with authority.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Kids at this age become much more interested in electronics, such as video games, computer games, and TV shows. Place boundaries around how much time they spend on these “screen” activities, and make sure they’re also getting physical activity that they enjoy.
  
  
• Children at this age begin to notice the difference between what you say and what you do (if there’s any inconsistency). Instead of becoming defensive, admit when you’ve made a mistake. Set a good example, and then talk about how both kids and adults need to follow boundaries.
  
  
• If you find yourself stuck with how to deal with a specific behavior, consult a school counselor or school social worker. (They provide this service for free, and they often have lots of good tips.) Plus, they know that kids are more likely to do well in school if they have good behavior at home and at school. If you fear that this will create a “school record” on your child’s behavior, seek out help from a parent educator through your community education program.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your house becomes a high-tension zone. Kids at this age often question and resist most things you suggest. This is important for their development, but don’t let them by with everything. Choose which boundaries are most important, and be consistent with those. For example, you might need to let your child wear green hair as long as your child does well in school and doesn’t get into trouble.
  
  
• Find other caring, trusted adults for your child to connect to and spend time with. Whenever you’re stumped about what they’re doing, call this person and explain how you’re at your wit’s end. Ask if he can take your child out for ice cream or a soda and spend some time together. Afterward, ask this adult for tips on how to connect with your child.
  
  
• Know when to ground your child—and when not to. For more ideas, check out the online article Grounded! How to Make Discipline Work.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue to talk with your teenager about what you expect in terms of behavior, but have more conversations about values. Explain why you want your kids to act a certain way. For example, “I know you’re dating, but I think it’s better not to have sexual intercourse as a teenager. I waited until I was married, and I’m glad I waited. You develop deep bonds with someone you’ve had sex with, and I believe that’s important to have with one lifelong partner.” See what your teenager has to say. Encourage your teenager to express his or her values and then go from there.
  
  
• Use current and school events to bring up tough topics, such as drinking and driving, weapon use, pregnancy, drug use, and so on. You can always find an example on the news (and sometimes in your school or community) of people behaving badly. Sometimes it’s easier to talk about tough topics and your views on behavior when it’s someone you don’t know.
  
  
• As your teenager gets older, talk about how she needs to be the “captain of herself.” That means that when your child moves out or goes to college, you won’t be there to remind her about certain things. During the older teenage years, gradually back off (and be clear to your teen about consequences) so that by the time your teen is a senior, she is more in charge of her life while also respecting others in your household. You don’t want your teen to feel too constrained before moving out, because too many of these kids often “go wild” without parents around.
  
  
• Expect older teenagers to make mistakes. This is part of growing up. Be firm, but also be empathetic. Show them the way to make things right.
  
  
• Don’t get overly angry with your teenager for misbehavior (provided that you have set appropriate expectations for behavior). That way when your teenager misbehaves, all you have to say is, “You knew what the rules were and what the consequences would be.” Convey that the consequences are a result of your teen’s behavior. This helps teenagers understand that they are ultimately accountable for their actions.
  

When You’re Too Tired to Deal with Your Kids

“Tired minds don’t plan well. Sleep first, plan later.”—Walter Reisch and Charles Brackett, American writers

It’s a too-common parenting myth: you think once your infant starts sleeping through the night, you’ll be less exhausted. But the truth is, parenting has many moments that tax your system, cause you to lose sleep, and place demands on you that make you tired. Plus, when you add in your work, volunteerism, keeping up a home, and dealing with friends and family, you can often find yourself doing more than you should. So what can you do when you’re too tired to deal with your kids? Try these ideas.

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For all parents

• Pace yourself. Parenting is not a race. Think of it as a run that lasts forever. While it’s true that active parenting is most intense while your children are living at home, you’ll still find yourself parenting your adult children, depending on the choices they make after they move out.
  
  
• Take care of yourself. Figure out creative ways to get rest and to rejuvenate yourself. Some parents take short naps during the movie when they take their kids to the movie theater. Others cut back on their activities so they have a little down time (which often isn’t easy to find when you’re a parent).
  
  
• Know that you’re not alone. Many parents feel tired because of our society’s unrealistic expectations. Too many parents are working long hours, working more than one job, or being single parents who are trying to juggle everything.
  
  
• Talk with other parents. Learn how they get rest. See if you can trade off so that one parent is with the kids of two or three families while the other parents rest or take a break. This is especially helpful for single parents who often feel they don’t have any breaks at all.
  
  
• Make sure your child is sleeping well, otherwise you won’t be sleeping well. For ideas on how to help your child sleep through the night, read The Sleep Book for Tired Parents by Becky Huntley.
  
  
• When you’re overly tired, you will not parent well. Your temper may flare easily. Your thinking may be muddled. If you’re exhausted and your child is pushing your buttons, say you need a time out. (Kids are often surprised when their parents give themselves a time out.) Explain that once you’ve gotten some rest and perspective, you can deal with the situation that your child has brought to you.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Whether you’re a parent who works outside of the home or you’re a stay-at-home parent, you’re going to get tired. If possible, take naps when your children nap, and remember, it’s okay to leave dirty dishes in the sink or let some housework go. Put yourself first and get some rest when you can.
  
  
• Once your children outgrow naps, continue to have a daily “quiet time” if your child is at home with you, or at the child care center if you work. Turn out the lights. Allow children to have a flashlight and use their “whisper voices” and allow them to do quiet activities, such as looking at picture books or playing very quietly. While your children have a quiet time, you can do the same. Consider meditating or taking a short nap.
  


• Find someone you can trust to give you occasional breaks. Maybe a grandparent or an uncle will spend time with your child while you rest or catch up on things. Or maybe you can get a referral from a friend about a great baby-sitter who loves kids.
  


• Young children are notorious for waking up earlier than their parents want them to. Consider getting your child a digital clock to place near your child’s bed. Write the appropriate wake-up time on a piece of paper and post it near the clock. Your children don’t need to be able to tell time, but they can practice matching the numbers. Explain that if they wake up before the numbers on the clock match the numbers on the paper, they can play quietly in their room. Then when the numbers match, they can wake you up.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Although children at this age still need supervision, you can take a 15- to 20-minute nap while they’re in the house during the day. Lock all the doors and be clear that your children are not to answer the door or go outside. Explain that you need some quiet, rest time. At first, your kids may interrupt you, but if you continue doing this on a regular basis, they’ll quickly catch on and respect your wishes to take a break.
  
  
• Encourage extended family members (and family friends you trust) to spend time with your children. Not only is this great for your kids, but it’s also important for you to have a much-needed break. When your kids are away, put yourself first. Nap. Take a walk. Then look at your to-do list.
  
  
• Don’t be surprised if your children send you into a short-term sleep deprivation period when they get sick, have a series of nightmares, or hit a stressful period in their lives when they can’t sleep. They will wake you up, and it’s important to care for them in the middle of the night.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Sleepovers often become “stay-up-all-night” events for this age group. Be firm about rules regarding leaving the house and quiet times. If they are noisy and cause you to lose sleep, take away their sleepover privileges for a while. Some parents even set a time limit for lights out (such as at midnight) and say that kids can continue to talk quietly with flashlights but can’t be roaming around the house after that time.
  
  
• As kids start to go through puberty, their sleep schedules tend to change. They become more nocturnal and can sleep until noon (or later). When this starts to happen, emphasize how your child needs to respect the other sleep habits of other family members. Many parents have to get up early to go to work (or do other activities), and they need a good night’s sleep—as does everyone else in the house.
  
  
• Since this is a time when many kids question authority that can create a lot of tension in your home, which can also make you tired. Find ways to care for yourself so that your nerves aren’t always shot. Take a hot bath. Shoot some hoops. Work out at the gym. Go for walks. Do yard work to relax. Read funny novels. Do what you can to take care of yourself.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• As teenagers become more independent, you may find yourself having trouble sleeping, particularly if they’re out late (and driving your car) or are on a date (and you’re wondering what they’re doing). Talk with other parents about how they handle the stress and worry of parenting older teenagers. You’ll quickly discover you’re not alone.
  
  
• Model how to take care of yourself. Older teenagers often are testing to see how far they can push their bodies in regards to sleep, eating, activity, and so on. Talk about how it’s important to have downtime in addition to activity. Explain how you feel when you don’t get enough sleep. Then model a healthy, balanced lifestyle for your teenager to observe.
  
  
• Don’t be surprised if you discover your activity levels need to change as teenagers get older. Many parents find themselves overwhelmed when their teenagers become involved in a sports team, a musical group, or are considering college. (For tips on how to maneuver the exhausting college application process, read the article, Parent-to-Parent: Staying Sane During the College Application Process). Realize that you’ll have more time once your teenager leaves the house, so it’s okay to let go of some of your personal activities until later. Pacing is the key to parenting well.