Why It’s Essential to Know Your Neighbors

“Be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?”—Mother Teresa, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize

How many neighbors do you recognize? How many neighbors do you know by name? Unfortunately, few people today know their neighbors. Only about one third of teenagers who responded to Search Institute surveys feel that there are people in their neighborhood who care about them. We’ve become a fast-paced society that zips in and out of our homes while barely having the time to acknowledge our neighbors. Yet a key aspect of asset building and bringing out the best in our kids is knowing your neighbors. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• Greet every child and teenager in your neighborhood whenever you see them. Learn their names. Smile at them. Get to know them. Be sensitive to how kids respond: some open up immediately, but others are more reserved. Be patient. Some kids can warm to you over a number of weeks or months.
  
  
• The first Tuesday of August of each year is National Night Out. It’s when neighbors all over the country come together to learn more about each other and talk about ways to keep their neighborhoods safe. Many neighborhoods have block parties, cookouts, parades, and visits from local police and fire departments. If your neighborhood is celebrating this event, attend it. If not, be intentional about getting to know the people in your neighborhood. Learn more at http://www.nationalnightout.org/nno/.
  
  
• Spend time outside when you notice your neighbors are out. Wander over to your neighbor, introduce yourself, ask your neighbor his or her name, and chitchat for a few minutes.
  
  
• It’s often easier to meet neighbors when they’re walking dogs or are outside with a pet. Ask about the pet and you’ll often get a conversation going in no time. (Note: Kids often learn the names of neighbors’ pets before they learn the names of their neighbors. Their interest in pets can be an opening for further conversation.)
  
  
• Be aware of the neighbors you are and are not comfortable with. Although most neighbors are helpful people, be aware that there may be one or two whom you wouldn’t trust to be alone with your kids.
  
  
• Find out if your neighborhood has a block captain. (You can usually find this information out from your city, community, or county hall.) If there is a captain, contact that person and ask about the neighborhood. Sometimes block captains keep a list of neighbors and know helpful information about your neighborhood.
  
  
• Once you get to know your neighbors, periodically get together to discuss neighborhood concerns. It’s much easier to create, agree, and enforce neighborhood boundaries (asset #13) when neighbors know each other—and know the kids as well.
  
  
• Download free information about the study on neighbors, grown-ups and kids.
  
  
• Figure out fun, easy ways to get together with neighbors. One neighborhood has purchased a number of plastic flamingoes. Every Friday, one neighbor takes all the plastic flamingoes and puts them out in his front yard. The neighbors call it Flamingo Friday, and when the flamingoes are out, it’s an invitation for all the neighbors to come over and visit while the neighborhood kids organize fun games and activities.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• As you go for family walks, stop and say hello to a neighbor when you see one outside. Young children can be a good conversation starter.
  
  
• With your children, draw a picture of your neighborhood. Go for a walk and record the house or apartment numbers. As you gradually get to know your neighbors, fill in the names of your neighbors with the corresponding house or apartment numbers on your drawing.
  
  
• Find out if there are other young children who live on your block. If so, invite the family over for lemon aid and cookies. See how the kids play together.
  
  
• Whenever you visit grandparents, ask about their neighbors. Often neighborhoods become segregated by age. Families with young children move in around the same time and then never move out. Sometimes you and your kids can find two strong neighborhoods: one around your home and another around your parent’s (or in-law’s) home.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Periodically set up a neighborhood activity with kids that gets them excited, such as an art project, a game, or even a bike and trike parade. Ask kids what they’d like to do with your help. Get the word out by making flyers and sticking them on (or under) your neighbor’s doors.
  
  
• If your kids want to set up a lemonade or Kool-Aid stand, encourage them to do so. This is often a good way to get to know your neighbors.
  
  
• When you see a new neighbor move in, bake some cookies, bring them over, and introduce yourself. Have your kids go with you. If the new neighbor has children, usually she’ll bring them out to meet your kids.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• As kids become more friendship oriented, they’ll bond more deeply with either the neighborhood kids or kids from other neighborhoods. If your children don’t have good friends in your own neighborhood, have them attend neighborhood events by bringing a friend from another neighborhood.
  
  
• Be clear about what’s acceptable and unacceptable neighborhood behavior. For example, tell kids not to ride their bikes over the neighbor’s grass and not to use a neighbor’s basketball hoop without first getting permission. Be sure to point out when you see kids doing something good or nice. Compliment them.
  


• Continue to stay connected to your neighbors, even when your kids don’t. Talk about what your kids (and your neighbor’s kids) are doing. See if there are ways you can support each other, such as by cheering on a neighborhood kid at a game or attending a music concert.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Even if they don’t see your teenager often, keep in touch with your neighbors—especially those who have had a long-term relationship with your teenager. Tell them what your kids are up to. This keeps neighbors and teenagers connected even when they rarely see each other.
  
  
• If you ever go out of town and need to leave your teenagers at home, let your neighbors know—and tell them what to do if certain situations arise. In many neighborhoods, neighbors keep an eye out for each other’s teenagers and are quick to intervene if they suspect trouble may be brewing. (Sometimes the best intervention is to give you a call.)
  
  
• Make connections between your teenager and neighbors who have a similar interest. For example, one teenager who loved chemistry found out that a neighbor was a chemical engineer. The two started talking and then began doing projects together. The neighbor became a significant role model and mentor for the teenage girl.
  
  
• Occasionally invite an interesting neighbor over for a meal or a dessert. Get to know each other more as you eat together. This is a great way to get older teenagers involved—especially if you serve a favorite food of your teenager.
  

* Suggestions from Youth Community Connections: Minnesota Partners for Healthy Youth Development, www.youthcommunityconnections.org.

When Your Child Gets Moody

“The trick is what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable—or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”—Carlos Castaneda, author

Moods. All kids and teenagers go through moods when they’re negative, overly serious—and surly. Although child development experts say moodiness is common for all kids, some kids tend to be more moody than others, and some even suffer from clinical depression. How do you know what’s normal and what’s not? Consider these tips.

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For all parents

• All kids go through periods of moodiness, negativity, or “disequilibrium”—where they attempt to make sense of their rapid growth spurts. Researchers at the Gesell Institute of Human Development say these are normal, and they tend to happen during the half years until age 6 1/2 (starting at 6 months) and then tend to occur during the odd-numbered ages (ages 7, 9, 11, 13, and 15, for example). Read Child Behavior by Frances L. Ilg, M.D., for more information, http://www.gesellinstitute.org/.
  


• Always value your child’s perspective, even when it seems overly negative. If you don’t know what to say sometimes, consider saying, “It seems like you’re having a bad day. Is that true?”
  
  
• Realize that sometimes “down” moods are fine for kids to have, and it’s okay (as long as it’s not a serious situation) not to lighten them up. If you try to get your child to lighten up at the wrong time, your child may think you’re not valuing his true feelings.
  


• If your child ever says she wants to kill herself, take her seriously. Get professional help immediately.
  


• One of the best ways to get yourself—or your child—to lighten up is to put experiences into a broader context. Sometimes comparisons don’t work, but sometimes they do. For example, if your child gets upset when a stranger yells at him for no apparent reason, point out that it’s upsetting to get yelled at, but maybe the person doing the yelling had just lost a job or found out he or she has a terminal illness.
  
  
• Model how to handle life’s challenges with humor and even-temperedness. It’s important to model how to lighten up and still be responsible. For example, if you’re driving and someone cuts you off, you may talk about how you don’t like being cut off, but don’t try to get back at the driver.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Be sensitive to the rapid growth your child is experiencing during this age. Young children often get frustrated and upset when they see what they want to do but don’t have the physical or cognitive abilities to accomplish their wishes.
  
  
• Keep young children in predictable, comforting routines. Young children are more likely to thrive (and become less negative) when they know what to expect every day. Hungry, tired children are more likely to have bad moods than kids who aren’t hungry or tired.
  
  
• Point out the progress you see your child making. If your child gets frustrated while stacking five blocks, talk about how she has mastered stacking four blocks.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Be sensitive to the energy it requires to attend school. Even children who attended an all-day child-care center or preschool may become exhausted when they start going to school and are required to learn in ways that are different from the preschool years. Make sure kids get extra time to unwind, rest, and recharge.
  


• Encourage your child to articulate what he is feeling and why. Start with simple feelings, such as feeling mad, sad, or glad, and then gradually expand the feelings to frustration, being scared, and being worried. Talking about feelings helps kids work through their emotions with words instead of by hitting, getting depressed, or getting stomachaches or headaches.
  
  
• Kids often can get in bad moods when they’re doing too many things that they don’t like to do. Follow your child’s interests. If your child enjoys reading, visit the library often and check out lots of books. If your child loves to play soccer, go outside and play with your child. Continue to emphasize responsibility (such as doing homework and chores), but make sure there is a balance with responsibility and your child’s interests.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your child’s mood seems to change easily—or by the day. Early adolescence is the time of rapid change and rapid mood swings. Be patient. Read more about moods in Parenting at the Speed of Teens.
  
  
• Give your child space if your child wants it. Sometimes kids at this age need more time to unwind and make sense of what’s happening to them. Some kids, for example, don’t understand why some kids at this age become so mean.
  
  
• When children are in a good mood, enjoy it. Laugh with them. Tease them (in ways that you both enjoy). Tell kids how much you enjoy being with them.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Monitor your teenager’s schedule. High school counselors say that teenagers tend to overextend themselves and get overwhelmed or cut out too many activities and get bored. Help your teenager try to find a balance in his lifestyle, which often can help create a balance in his moods.
  
  
• Watch your teenager’s moods. All teenagers have a bad day now and then, but most aren’t as moody as they were during early adolescence. If you’re concerned about your teen’s moods, check in with a high school counselor or teacher.
  
  
• Ask your teenager about her passions and interests. Make sure your teenager has time to do things she really wants to do—in addition to taking responsibility at school and at home.
  
  
• Discuss current events with your teenager. Expanding your teenager’s worldview often helps him engage more in the world—and in his own life.
  

Fun Ways to Learn During the Summer

“All the world is a laboratory to the inquiring mind.”—Martin H. Fischer, American professor of physiology

Parents worry about it. Educators complain about it: Kids can fall behind academically during the summer. Most kids enjoy having a summer break from school, but many forget what they’ve learned. You can encourage your child to learn in the summer in fun ways—ways many wouldn’t even call learning. Consider these ideas.

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For all parents*

• Instead of buying flash cards and figuring out rote ways for kids to learn, think of “experiential learning,” which is where you learn by doing. When experiential learning is done well, most kids enjoy the process of learning, and some don’t even think it seems like learning at all. Take kids kite flying, canoeing, or take them to a hands-on museum. Expose them to experiences that stimulate their thinking and imagination.
  
  
• Take kids on walks. Before you do, check out nature books that include photos of local wildflowers, birds, bugs, trees, and wild animals. As you walk, be on the lookout for different aspects of nature.
  
  
• Help others. A key part of experiential learning is service learning, which is about serving others and then talking about your experience afterward. With her or his permission, plant flowers for an elderly neighbor. Bake cookies for someone who’s sick. Donate food to a food shelf. Afterward, discuss what went well and what could be improved.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Bring children to different places to stimulate learning. For example, take them to the beach and play in the sand. Take them to a playground on the other side of town. Take them to a different library than the one you usually visit. Take them to a children’s museum.
  
  
• Ask your librarian for picture book suggestions and check them out to read at home. See if your library has child activities and story times that you and your child can attend.
  
  
• Have children spend time with their grandparents. Often grandparents will involve kids in their passions, such as gardening, baking, or even cleaning out a closet (while the kids dress up in their clothes).
  


• Go bug hunting. Explore what the ants are doing in your neighborhood. Talk about which bugs to avoid (such as bees, wasps, and mosquitoes). Play with a ladybug.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Find day or overnight camps that get your child excited. Many camps now have specialties, such as horseback riding camp, canoeing camp, and archery camp. All these camps emphasize learning skills while having fun.
  
  
• Do simple science experiments with your kids. National Geographic Kids has lots of free ideas for science experiments, recipes, and more at http://www.nationalgeographic.com/kids/activities/.
  
  
• Sign up for a family activity through your parks and recreation department, community education program, or nature center. Many offer one-time, stimulating activities, such as family cooking, an evening of looking at the stars, family hiking, and more. Have fun while you learn something new together.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Find more challenging and stimulating service projects for kids. Many congregations offer work camps and mission projects where kids take a trip for a weekend or a week and help others, doing things like painting, repairing homes, and so on. Habitat for Humanity allows kids who are ages 13 and up to volunteer.
  
  
• Ask your child if he or she has any summer homework. Many schools assign a book or research project for kids to do over the summer, and many kids don’t tell their parents about these projects until the day before school starts. Create a plan to get the work done gradually over the summer.
  
  
• Consider having a playful summer reading competition. Ask your child to choose a certain number of books he or she is excited about. Check out two copies from the library—one for you and one for your child. See who can read the most books first, but avoid setting up a stiff competition where your child may want to skim the book instead of reading it. At the end, reward the winner, for example, with a trip for ice cream or a $5 gift certificate to his or her favorite store.
  
  
• Take occasional family outings that expand everyone’s perspective. See what the communities around you have to offer. For example, Darwin, Minnesota, has the largest twine ball in the world. Visit places like these and see what else you can learn.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Encourage teens to find internships and apprenticeships in areas that interest them, such as auto mechanics, photography, videography, soccer coaching, and so on. These types of experiences are not only great for their high-school resume, but give teens valuable hands-on learning experiences.
  


• If your teenager is working to earn money at a job he or she isn’t thrilled about, encourage your teenager to also find something that excites him or her, such as learning new riffs on the drums, learning to cook Japanese food, riding a unicycle, reading a fascinating book, or renting episodes of NOVA.
  


• Encourage teenagers to think creatively about their technology skills and how they can help others with the skills they have. For more ideas, see http://www.parentingteensonline.com/article/show/title/Teen_Online_Entrepreneurs
  


• Continue to serve others as a family and encourage your teenager to join in. Help a grandparent with yard work. Serve a meal to the homeless through a soup kitchen. Help a neighbor weed a garden. Helping others teaches you a lot about working with others, deepening your skills, and making a difference.
  
  
• Talk about current events. Learn more about a specific current event that interests family members and discuss it at a deeper level.
  

* Suggestions from Youth Community Connections: Minnesota Partners for Healthy Youth Development, www.youthcommunityconnections.org.

Celebrating Your Child’s Birthday

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”—Abraham Lincoln, U.S. President

Your child’s birthday is coming up. How can you make it a memorable, asset-building birthday? Empower your child to be involved every step of the way and infuse more creativity into the special event.

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For all parents

• Start planning your child’s birthday at least one month in advance. Give your child time to consider various ways to celebrate before making a final decision.
  
  
• Set a budget for the birthday party (and also for birthday present spending) before you get too far into the planning. It’s too easy to get caught up in the excitement and overspend. For more ideas, visit http://www.parenthood.com/article-topics/article-topics.php?Article_ID=4224.
  
  
• Consider three aspects of the celebration: the one with your family, the one with friends, and the one with extended family (such as grandparents). When children are younger, it’s often easy to combine all these aspects into one event, but it becomes more difficult to do this as kids get older.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Don’t be surprised if your young child gets more excited about the wrapping paper and the boxes than in the presents. This is common for infants, toddlers, and young preschoolers.
  
  
• If you have a children’s birthday party, keep the party relatively short and away from nap times. Invite a small number of people so that your child doesn’t get overwhelmed.
  
  
• Give your child simple choices when planning his or her birthday party. For example: Do you want a Dora (from the TV show “Dora the Explorer”) or Maisy (from the book series by Lucy Cousins) party? Or do you want a train (from the book Chugga, Chugga, Choo, Choo by Kevin Lewis) or a Bob the Builder party (from the TV series)?
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Help your child plan a more structured friend birthday party. Together create an invitation list, games to play, and the type of refreshments to serve. For ideas on games, party themes, and more, visit http://familyfun.go.com/parties/.
  


• Read aloud the book On the Day You Were Born by Debra Frasier. Read it aloud every year on your child’s birthday.
  
  
• Encourage children to create a birthday wish list of what they would like to receive. Talk about how there’s a budget and that they will not receive everything they wish for. Help them prioritize which gift ideas are most important and why
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Be aware that children sometimes go through a phase where they become ambivalent about birthday parties with their friends (or suddenly don’t want to have one). This is more about their changing friendships and expectations than about not wanting to celebrate their birthday. Be patient and gentle during these times.
  
  
• Help your children think of new ways to celebrate their birthday as they get older. Many know they don’t want to celebrate like they did when they were younger, but they don’t know what other options they have. For example, consider having a slumber birthday party, a video-game-playing birthday party, or a party where artistic kids visit a museum and go out for pizza afterward or athletic kids take in a professional game.
  


• Encourage the birthday child to think of others—in addition to himself or herself. Teach children to take a portion of money they receive as a gift and donate it to a charitable cause they care about. Or have everyone who is invited bring a food donation for a food shelf.
  
  
• Consider also celebrating your child’s birthday as just your family—or as a one-on-one time with one parent. Take your child out for breakfast, out for ice cream, or for something special to celebrate.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Follow your teenager’s temperament when it comes to planning a teenage birthday party. Some are quite social and want to have a lot of friends over. Others prefer a quiet birthday by going out to eat with one close friend.
  
  
• Make a list of famous people who were born on your child’s birthday, not just media stars but people who have made a difference in the world. Place “birthdays” and the date of your child’s birthday (such as July 21) into a search engine, and other famous people’s names will come up. Together talk about what these famous people did to deserve being remembered. Then think of the birthday not only as a day to celebrate but also as a day to rededicate yourself to doing good for others.
  
  
• Older teenagers like to celebrate the new freedoms that come with the age, such as being able to get a driver’s license at age 16 and not having a community-imposed curfew at age 18. Celebrate these milestones but also continue to negotiate boundaries since you don’t want your 18-year-old staying out all night.
  
  
• Point out what makes you proud about your teenager on his or her birthday. Everyone likes to hear about their strengths and the progress they’re making. A birthday is a great day to talk about the positive steps your teenager is making.
  
  

Being a Good Sport When Cheering on Your Child

“Stand and cheer for the doer, the achiever—the one who recognizes the challenges and does something about it.”—Vince Lombardi, football coach

You are your children’s biggest—and most important—cheerleader. Whether they’re competing in a sport or performing in a theater production or music group, your presence is a key way to support your children. But the way you are present also makes a difference in the way your children feel about you, themselves, and the activities they are in. Consider these ideas:

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For all parents

• Attend as many of your children’s games and performances as you can. Kids notice when you’re there—and when you’re not.
  
  
• Focus on supporting your child and the other kids there. If you’re overly competitive, ask yourself why winning is more important to you than supporting the kids who are involved. If you’re not sure how to best support your child, consider downloading the Little League’s free parent code of conduct at www.littleleague.org/forms_pubs/parentcodeofconduct.pdf.
  


• Point out what you liked about your child’s performance. The more specific you can be, the better. For example, say, “I enjoyed hearing your trumpet parts in the band,” or “I am so proud of you for blocking that kick.”
  
  
• Invite other significant adults in your child’s life to games and performances. Consider occasionally inviting grandparents, aunts, uncles, neighbors, and other important adults.
  
  
• When you take photos or record your child’s game or performance, also remember to put down the camera and cheer! It’s important to be fully present in the moment, and one way to do that is to set technology aside so that you can witness firsthand your child’s achievements.
  


• Ask your kids periodically what they like about their sport (or activity). Ask what they have fun doing or learning—and if there is anything they’d like to change if they could.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Focus on the fun and funny factor. Young children who play on teams run the wrong way, get distracted, and are more interested in what captures their attention at the moment than in the game or performance. Instead of being embarrassed, relish the spontaneity of it all.
  
  
• Give your children credit for participating, even if it seems they didn’t contribute much. Learning how to participate with others at this age is a major skill that builds slowly.
  
  
• Usually one or two activities are all young children can handle at this age, as long as each activity meets only once or twice a week. Children at this age also need time for unstructured play in their daily routine to thrive well.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Give children choices for sport activities: soccer, basketball, T-ball, etc. Be careful to find the right sports leagues for them since competitive leagues start at early ages. Many communities offer both competitive leagues and recreational leagues; the latter are less demanding and often more child friendly.
  
  
• Follow your children’s interest for activities. Ask what they like about the activity. Many will say “having fun” and “being with friends” as their top reasons for playing—not winning.
  
  
• Monitor your child’s enthusiasm for the activity. If your child becomes less interested, find out why and talk to the club leader or coach.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Young teenagers still like to have their parents attend their activities, but many want their parents to observe without much fanfare. Ask your children how they prefer your support and then support your children in that way.
  
  
• If you notice another parent who often yells, screams, or acts in disrespectful ways, talk with the coach to see if you can create a team cheering guideline that fits on a business-size card and is given to all the parents. It could include: Support our kids by cheering for them. Anyone yelling or screaming will be asked to leave the game by the referee. Notice when kids do things right.
  


• Get to know the names of the kids your children perform or play with. Support them as well as your child.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Point out how you’ve noticed growth and mastery in your child’s performance. Teenagers enjoy hearing specifics on how they’re improving.
  
  
• Continue to attend all their games, events, and performances, even if your teenagers say you don’t need to come.
  
  
• During the last performance or last game of the season, consider bringing a gift certificate or some other small gift. Then celebrate with your teenager by taking him or her out for a treat.