Helping Kids Thrive on Routine

“My only secret is that I always bear in mind what my father said: Do the smallest things in daily routine with enthusiasm and sincerity.”—Nerrisa Ng, artist

Whenever kids have time off, such as during the summer or the holidays, it’s easy for them to get out of a regular routine. All of their habits—from sleeping to eating to taking care of themselves—get out of whack. But routines are important to help kids thrive. Kids do better when they eat healthy foods at regular intervals, get enough sleep, get some physical activity, and know what to expect from their days. Routines help to ground them and give them a sense of security. Here are some ideas to helping kids understand the importance of everyday routines.

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For all parents^*

• Talk about routines and why they’re important. For example, ask kids how they feel when they don’t get enough sleep: What happens the next day? Child and adolescent experts say that having a predictable routine is key to helping kids succeed. Routines involve getting up in the morning, getting dressed, eating meals and snacks, helping out at home, personal hygiene, taking medication for chronic conditions, getting ready for bed, and sleeping. Kids who live in homes that don’t have predictable routines often have a hard time making transitions from one activity to the next, taking care of themselves, and following the signals their bodies give them.
  
  
• Model a lifestyle that has a predictable routine. What’s your morning routine? How often do you sit down for a meal? How many hours of sleep do you usually get? What are your kids learning from you?
  


• Although routines are better if they’re predictable, also work to make them fun and creative. Have family members occasionally sit in a different place at the dinner table. Stick a note saying you’re thinking of your child in his or her lunchbox. When you’re doing a family chore together, occasionally take a break to dance to a fun song.
  


• If you have joint custody, talk with your ex about daily routines for your kids. Try to create predictable routines that you both can agree on.
  
  
• Whenever you (or your child) move from time off back to a regular routine, try easing back into it slowly. For example, start getting up 30 minutes earlier every day until you’re back at your usual schedule. It’s often easier to get up earlier than to try to go to bed when you’re not tired.
  
  
• Encourage your child to help other family members with their daily routines, such as reading a book aloud to a sibling, calling a grandparent to wish him or her goodnight, or walking the dog.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Respond immediately to infants’ cries and meet their needs. By the time infants are three months old, many have established a daily rhythm. Sleeping through the night is one of the first boundaries you can set once children are physically able to do so.
  
  
• Have your children participate in meaningful ways during regular routines. They can put out napkins and cups at dinner time, help pick up toys before you vacuum the floor, and choose books for bedtime reading.
  


• As children get older, expect them to balk at daily routines. Some will refuse to eat during meals. Others will resist taking a bath. Try creative ideas to entice them to do these activities, such as getting down on the floor on all fours and having your child ride you like a camel to the bathtub.
  
  
• If your child attends a child-care center or preschool, ask for a copy of the daily schedule. On weekends, try to follow it so your child knows when it’s naptime, lunchtime, and playtime.
  
  
• Read aloud a picture book to your child every night before bed.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Don’t be surprised if children find the daily school routine exhausting at first. Many come home the first week—and even the first month—needing a nap. Let them incorporate a nap into their daily routine if they need to.
  
  
• Continue talking about healthy eating habits during meals. As children get older, they often crave foods that are unhealthy. Set limits on unhealthy foods and don’t keep many in the house.
  


• Even when your child starts to read, continue reading a book (or a chapter of a book) before bed. Give your child a choice: you read, he or she reads, or the two of you take turns.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids at this age start to resist many (if not all) aspects of daily routines. Be patient when they push the boundaries, but continue to be firm about why routines are important. For example say, “Getting a good night’s sleep helps you be more alert during the day.” “Getting exercise makes you healthy.” “Flossing your teeth helps prevent cavities.”
  
  
• Be open about new hygiene routines that your child needs to adopt as he or she grows, such as using deodorant, shaving, brushing and flossing in new ways with braces, wearing headgears and retainers, and so on.
  
  
• At this age, kids tend to push the boundaries with sleepovers. Don’t be surprised if they stay up all night. Be clear about what they can and cannot do during these sleepovers (such as staying in the house, not making noise to wake up others, and not calling friends after a certain time).
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• A number of teenagers easily get sick and some come down with mononucleosis because they get overly tired. If your teenager chronically goes to bed late, try these tips (from ParentingTeensOnline):
  
  
  • Tell them there's a new policy in the house on bedtime and wake time
  • Give them a week or so leeway to adjust to it
  • Don't immediately drive them to school when they miss the bus
  • Take away other privileges, like cell phones or Internet access if they refuse or won't comply
  • Offer an incentive for consistently on-time behavior.
  
  
• Learn to let go. Older teenagers are becoming more independent, and they’ll make choices about eating, sleeping, and how they spend their time. Talk about any concerns you have, but let them make their own choices. If their choices affect you, be clear about that. You can’t make a teenager eat with you or go to bed at a certain time, but you can say that it’s important that the only noise going on during meals is at the family table and that your home needs to be quiet for those sleeping between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. (or whatever time you set).
  
  
• Monitor your teen’s health and encourage good health habits, such as eating right, having down time, and exercising. Although many teens throw out good health habits, keep modeling good health habits yourself. Invite your teenager to try new foods (or eat more fruits and vegetables). Encourage your teenager to join you for a family walk (or workout). Talk about why a regular routine helps individuals be at their best.

* Suggestions from Youth Community Connections: Minnesota Partners for Healthy Youth Development, www.youthcommunityconnections.org.

When Parenting Makes Your Head Spin!

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children, and no theories. —Anonymous

Most parents agree: It doesn’t take much to occasionally feel overwhelmed as a parent. Your child can easily throw you off-kilter by raising issues you’re unprepared to tackle or acting in ways you weren’t expecting.

A 2002 Search Institute-YMCA parent survey, Building Strong Families, reveals that three out of four parents felt they were doing “less than great” as parents, and one in five said they were either doing “poorly” or “just okay.” All parents find themselves stymied by parenting at one time or another. Here’s how to keep a cool head when those times hit:

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For all parents

• Know that you’re not alone: Even though parenting can be quite rewarding, many also say that it’s downright tough at times.
  
  
• Resolve to develop (or deepen) your sense of humor. Kids come up with the craziest ideas. Instead of losing your temper when their ideas go awry, take a break, deal with the situation, and try to find a bit of humor in it. As one parent says, “At least my son didn’t burn down the garage!”
  


• Get to know other parents. Make an effort to introduce yourself and learn new names when you’re present at your child’s activities. Strike up conversations about common parenting topics. Not all parents will be interested in sharing what their kids are doing, but you’ll find some who are willing to commiserate and problem-solve with you while creating a supportive network of like-minded parents.
  
  
• It’s vital to network with other parents when you’re a single parent. Some get together regularly to discuss creative ways to make life easier. One solution might involve setting up a childcare co-op. For example, a group of single parents may take turns trading childcare responsibilities one Saturday afternoon a month, giving the others a “parenting break.” Parents rotate homes so that each single parent cares for the children once a month in their home and gets a break the other three Saturday afternoons a month.
  
  
• Be clear that you’re not your children’s “dumping ground.” Kids are notorious for saying, “I need to be at such-and-such a place at such-and-such a time” a few minutes before the event begins (even when you were never told about the event to begin with), or for needing certain supplies that you don’t own. Sometimes you’ll find yourself scrambling to comply, but it’s ultimately helpful (and appropriate) to teach kids to be respectful of your time and ask them to give you proper notice—without expecting you to do everything for them. They can do their part.
  
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Pace yourself. This is an extremely intense time for most parents. It’s easy to lose yourself in the physical and emotional demands of this phase, but it’s also crucial that you raise infants well by meeting their needs, and monitoring young children closely while giving them stimulating activities. Take naps when your kids nap. Cut back on other activities if you need more time to yourself. Get lots of ideas on how to care for yourself from the asset-building book Parenting Preschoolers with a Purpose.
  


• Find other caring, responsible adults who can spend time with your kids and give you a much-needed break from time to time. Grandparents often enjoy spending time with your kids. So do aunts, uncles, and babysitters that you trust.
  
  
• Enjoy this time with your young children. Even though it’s aggravating to have toys strewn all over the house, spit-up on your clothes, and dirty dishes in the sink, try to let go of your internal resistance and discover some of the joys of this age group. Preschoolers hold an incredible view of the world, and they often make funny and insightful connections that adults don’t.
  
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Parenting can become overwhelming at this stage because there’s so much to keep track of with your growing child’s physical needs and homework and school demands. Try to keep on top of it all, because it’s important for your child to do the best he or she can in school. At times, it may feel as though you’re more of a student than your child is. However, your child will learn important study habits when you sit side-by-side during homework time. You can gradually pull back as your child takes on more of the responsibility of schoolwork.
  
  
• Sometimes feel like a cab driver or transportation president? This feeling is common when you’re driving your child from activity to activity (particularly when you multiply that feeling by the number of kids you have). Figure out ways to make the “getting there” and “getting back” times more fun for you both. Sing songs aloud together. Listen in on your kids’ conversations. Pack a bag with magazines, a novel, or handwork that you can do while you’re waiting for them.
  


• Do something to recharge yourself. Occasionally leave your kids with a responsible adult, and visit a place that excites or calms you. Is there a botanical garden nearby? A museum? A park with a walking path? A library? A coffeehouse where you can meet a friend?
  
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Remember the early childhood years and how they made your head spin? Welcome to Part Two! (Some parents contend that the most intense parenting years are from the ages 0 to 5 and 10 to 15.) Although your kids are pulling away from you and becoming more independent, it’s important to monitor and remain involved in what they’re doing, who they’re with, and where they’re going. Stay engaged, even when your kids may signal you to stay out of their lives.
  
  
• Kids at this age can be impulsive, and may pressure you to let them do things—fast. Slow down the process. Ask questions. Help young teenagers think through actions and consequences. For example, if your child wants to go to a music concert, don’t just automatically agree (or say no) without exploring the request further. Find out if other adults are going. Ask about the price of a concert ticket. Learn how your child plans to get to and from the concert. Find out whether the concert is truly acceptable for this age group. Model and discuss together these other aspects so that your child can learn to plan, consider the bigger picture, and not be so quick to jump into new experiences.
  
  
• Know that most kids are going to experiment in some way with risk-taking behaviors, such as getting into trouble at school or even trying alcohol. When these difficult behaviors happen, work with your child to limit the risk-taking to a one-shot experience (if at all). Set limits and consequences, and be firm while also reminding your child how much you love him or her.
  


• The teen years are often described as a period of “storm and stress.” And while you may find yourself in far more contentious situations with your emerging teenager, remember to love, support, and listen to your teenager, too. One of the more interesting Search Institute findings is that while 70 percent of young people feel they have Asset 1, Family Support, only about 30 percent report they have Asset 2, Positive Family Communication. So talk with your child, and also listen to him or her.
  
  
• As long as you’re aware of what’s happening in your children’s lives, you can relax and enjoy some of the funny, crazy things they do. For example, at a sleepover, one of the girls called each of the other girls’ dads to say how much their daughters loved them (while the daughter screamed in the background), before giggling and hanging up. Some of the playful behavior at this age is harmless and worth laughing about.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Although teenagers at this age tend to be less impulsive than in earlier teen years, they can still be overly spontaneous at times and may need guidance in thinking things through. Give teenagers room to make their own decisions, but continue to ask them questions to help them see the broader picture.
  
  
• Talk and listen to your teenager to understand how much involvement he or she wants from you when making decisions involving school schedules, projects, part-time jobs, financial decisions, college shopping, relationship decisions, and so on. Your perspective often can be very helpful to teenagers. Make sure, though, that they “own” the process and make the final decision themselves.
  
  
• Remember to take time for yourself. Relax with A Moment’s Peace for Parents of Teens.
  
  
• Find out about the creative things teenagers do to make life interesting. For example, at some high schools teenagers compete with each other to ask a date to a dance in the most original way possible. Enjoy these acts, even if your teenager does goofy things that make you shake your head, such as wearing tennis shoes with a tuxedo.
  
  
• Let some things go. Even when teenagers are older, they can still make your head spin. As long as your teen isn’t in danger or creating trouble, sometimes it’s best to just sit down and take a deep breath before trying to figure out what you’ll say or do next.
  
  

School and Home Rules

“Children respond to the expectations of their environment.”—William Grier, educator

It’s hard to raise good kids when they have different rules in different places. A key way to help kids grow up well is by making sure they get consistent messages. To do this, find out which rules kids have at school and see how many of those school rules you can adopt at home. Schools may have different rules concerning clothing and dress and the use of electronics because working with a large, diverse group of kids is different than raising kids at home. Focus on what you can agree on and go from there.

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For all parents

• Ask the school for a list of rules they have for kids. Your child’s teacher, childcare provider, or school office will have a list of these rules.
  


• Schools and childcare centers are often great at creating behavior rules that are age appropriate for kids. Once you have the list, talk to your child about the list and how you expect your child to act in those ways at school—and which rules also apply at home.
  


• Be consistent in enforcing boundaries. Kids not only need consistent messages about rules, but they also need consistent reinforcement to show that the rules really do matter.
  
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Distraction is a key way to move babies away from inappropriate behavior. Once they get to be toddlers and preschoolers, however, distraction will no longer work and kids need to hear how to act.
  
  
• Check in often with caregivers about how your child is behaving at preschool or childcare. If your child is having difficulty in a certain area, work on that at home as well.
  
  
• Keep lessons simple and positive. Repeat simple rules. Avoid using threats.
  
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Attend back-to-school open houses. Find out what teachers expect of children in the class and how they want them to behave.
  


• When you have parent-teacher conferences, ask about your child’s behavior and character. Then work with your child to help your child succeed.
  


• Be patient in working with difficult behaviors. It often can take a child a long time to learn certain behaviors, such as sitting still in a chair, doing homework every night, and learning to raise hands in class instead of just blurting out an answer. Be patient, but also be consistent.
  
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• As children enter puberty, their classroom behavior can change (and so can their behavior at home). Periodically check in with teachers to identify which behaviors your child excels at and which ones are more difficult.
  
  
• Continue to be consistent in how you expect your child to behave. During puberty, young teenagers test their parents (and teachers) even more. Don’t let them wear you down—or wear you out.
  
  
• Point out when your child acts in ways you admire. It’s too easy to get locked into power struggles and have all your feedback be negative. Focus on the positive as well.
  
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Check in periodically with teachers to see what type of character your child displays in class. Ask for feedback on how to help your child succeed from a character and behavior perspective.
  
  
• Negotiate rules with your teenager. At this age, teenagers are more willing to follow rules if they have a say in what the rules are and why.
  
  
• If you or your teenager objects to a school rule, talk about it. Encourage your teenager to write a letter to the editor of the school newspaper (or a newspaper column) if he or she thinks a rule needs to change and why.
  
  
• Be clear about what you expect and why. Teenagers are more likely to follow the rules when they understand (and accept) the reasoning behind rules.
  
  

Taking Kids to the Doctor—or the Dentist

“You don’t have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep.”—Anonymous

Few people look forward to going to the doctor or the dentist, and kids can be even more resistant than adults. Yet, regular doctor and dentist visits are key to maintaining good health, and helping children get into the habit of regular checkups will help them be more likely to continue this practice when they’re adults. Consider these ideas to make visiting the doctor and the dentist easier.

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For all parents

• Find doctors and dentists who work well with children and teenagers. If you’re not sure where to look, ask other parents. Usually there are a number who specialize in family dentistry and pediatrics.
  


• Create a master checkup list so that you can keep track of when each family member visits the doctor or dentist. Many dentist offices offer the opportunity to make your next six-month appointment, but most doctor offices do not book a year in advance, which makes it easy for those annual visits to fall through the cracks.
  


• Read solid information on children’s health (for different age groups) at the American Academy of Pediatrics at http://www.aap.org/topics.html.
  
  
• Try different hygienists until you find one who has a good rapport with your child. Some dentist and doctor offices have a number of physicians, so feel free to visit different ones until you find one you and your child both enjoy seeing.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Go to all the well-child checkups your clinic recommends, and make sure your child receives all the immunizations your pediatrician suggests.
  


• The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that 6-month-olds receive an oral assessment (checkup of teeth) by a pediatrician. The American Dental Association recommends that children have their first dental visit around their first birthday.
  


• Doctor visits for young children often involve immunizations, and young children can quickly assume that every visit will require a shot. This can make it difficult for a young child to want to go to the doctor. Figure out soothing techniques to take with you, such as a stuffed animal to hold or a promise of getting a small treat afterward.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Encourage your child to make eye contact with the doctor and dentist and to answer some questions (instead of you answering all the questions). Talk about how this is your child’s health, and it’s important for your child to begin to develop relationships with health care providers.
  
  
• Some children at this age develop a great fear of doctors and dentists, particularly if they’ve had a lot of shots or procedures. Some will act in embarrassing ways, such as knocking over things in the room and being difficult to control. If your child is prone to do this, role-play visits at home. Talk about how important it is to be brave. Help your child identify an action figure or hero to think of when he or she is visiting the doctor or dentist.
  
  
• If your child likes collecting his or her teeth, consider creating a tooth jar and asking the tooth fairy to return the tooth after putting it under your child’s pillow.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Puberty is starting earlier and earlier for kids, so don’t be surprised if your daughter starts a menstrual cycle at an early age. If this happens, track the cycles for your child until she is older and can do so by herself.
  


• Most parents feel uncomfortable dealing with their child’s emerging sexuality, but it’s happening whether you like it not. Many doctors are trained to help you in this area. To find a doctor in your community who specializes in adolescents, check out the Society for Adolescent Medicine at http://www.adolescenthealth.org/Search/. Whatever you do, don’t avoid the issue of sexuality (and also don’t pry or pester your child for too many details). What’s important is to connect your child with a doctor he or she can confide in and to create an atmosphere of openness so that your child can come to you if he or she wishes.
  
  
• Continue to insist on regular dentist and doctor appointments since some kids at this age will resist them. Talk about how important it is to have good health habits and regular checkups, even if you don’t feel like getting them.
  
  
• If your child needs braces, find an orthodontist who loves teenagers. (Other parents often know who these are in your community.) Some even let their patients choose different colored rubber bands and braces.
  
  
• At this age, your child may balk at seeing a pediatrician. If so, see if you can find a physician who specializes in adolescence—or if your pediatric clinic has other locations geared more for teenagers.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue to stress the importance of good eating habits, dental hygiene, and seeing doctors and dentists on a regular basis. Even though teenagers often slip into poor health habits, keep talking about the importance of them (and modeling good health habits). To get the conversation started, read Conversations on the Go.
  
  
• Some teenagers tend to disappear or become unavailable when it’s time for a doctor or dentist appointment. If this happens, call the medical clinic and reschedule right away. Be clear with your teenager that it’s important to have regular checkups.
  


• If your teenager needs a major procedure, explain what’s expected before, during, and after the procedure. Many teenagers are tempted to jump back into their normal lives without giving their bodies enough time to heal.