Helping Kids Discover What They Love to Do

“Sparks are the hidden flames in your kids that light their proverbial fire, get them excited, tap into their true passions.”—Peter Benson, author of Sparks: How Parents Can Help Ignite the Hidden Strengths of Teenagers

If you were to name the one or two things that really get your child excited, that get your child ready to jump out of bed in the morning, what would those things be? For one child, it might be running outside to kick a soccer ball. For another, it might be making up a fantastical story. Someone else might love to tinker with a computer. Every child has at least one unique, worthy, and passionate interest or talent. Search Institute calls this passionate interest or talent an individual’s “spark.” Everyone has a spark inside—a spark that is good and important. Helping kids find and develop their talents and interests is about helping them become the best that they can be. Helping to ignite the sparks within our children will allow them reach their full potential and contribute to making the world a better place for us all.

Try it...

For all parents

• Learn more about sparks. Search Institute has done extensive research on the topic and has also created practical ideas on how to identify and nurture your child’s spark. Start at www.ignitesparks.org.
  


• Begin talking about your child’s natural interests and talents. Every family member has a spark—or a set of sparks. Discuss what yours are and how they give meaning to your life. Ask other family members about their sparks and how they’re going. Make “sparks” a common conversation starter.
  


• Be careful not to push your kids. Your job as a parent is to provide lots of opportunities and support for your kids. Assist, don’t direct, in this process.
  
  
• Get to know other individuals who are pursuing their passionate interests and talents. Sometimes, it’s helpful to find people who have a similar spark to yours. Other times, you can learn a lot from people who have a spark that’s different, and you see how everyone shares similar ups, downs, and discoveries along their spark journey.
  
  
• Support and encourage the sparks of your kids—and other people’s kids. Some people do this by becoming an assistant coach, a club leader, or just by asking kids how their sparks are going when they see them.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Notice what your young child gravitates toward. Is it building with blocks? Paging through picture books and making up stories? Dressing stuffed animals? Making your living room into a jungle gym and climbing over everything? These activities all give hints to what your child’s interests and natural abilities are.
  
  
• Create a daily routine that gives your young child structure but also allows for creativity to explore new things. For example, do an art activity, something physical, a story activity, and an outdoor activity every day. These can be simple, such as taking a walk to find bugs in the summer and stop signs in the winter. Pay attention to what gets your child excited.
  
  
• As young children grow, their interests can change. Make room for that. If they were in constant motion at age 2 and then want to do lots of art at age 3, follow their interests and don’t worry about the changes. These changes can be typical for some kids.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Continue to expose your children to new things so they can continue to explore new potential sparks. For example, visit different types of museums in your area—a train museum, a children’s museum, an art museum, a science museum, and a history museum.
  


• Give your children options for sports and arts activities. Sign up for one or two that interest them the most. Then have them stick it out for the duration of the scheduled season or activity and see what develops.
  
  
• If kids want to quit an activity, talk about their feelings and why they feel the way they do. Affirm their feelings but also teach kids that it’s important to stick with things, even if it’s for only eight sessions.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your child begins to drop activities they’ve been doing for years. This is common for some young teenagers because of puberty and the rapid changes in their brains. For more information about this, see the book Magic Trees of the Mind by Marian Diamond, Ph.D.
  
  
• If your child does want to drop an activity, tell him he can do so only if he finds a replacement. This is an important boundary that also empowers kids to choose something new. Because of the changes going on in their brains, it’s tempting for many kids to drop activities yet be too self-conscious to add new ones. Reassure your kids, but be firm about having them find a replacement.
  
  
• Continue to emphasize the importance of practicing and sticking with things, even when they get hard or boring. For example, tell your child she needs to practice her instrument 30 minutes a day before she can have computer or friend time.
  
  
• Support your kids’ sparks by attending their concerts, games, and other events. Tell your kids that you’re proud of them and of the progress they’re making.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Make it a habit to check in with your teenager about his spark on a regular basis (such as once a week or once a month, depending on what the spark is). Ask your teenager where he is with his talents and interests. Is he excited? Has he hit some obstacles? What difficulty has he just worked through? Who supports him best?
  
  
• Thank the adults who support and nurture your teenager’s spark. Send them a card or an email and tell them how much you appreciate what they do.
  
  
• Continue to nurture your talents and interests as well. Teenagers not only learn about living the spark-driven life by experience, but also by observing the adults around them. Set a good example. When your journey isn’t going well, talk about it and how you’re dealing with the difficulty.
  
  
• Celebrate when your teenager hits significant milestones with her spark. For example, your teenager may be recognized at school or in the community newspaper. Or the milestone may be more personal, such as putting in 100 hours of volunteer work at the animal shelter. All these milestones are momentous and are important to recognize.
  

Get More Spark Ideas!
Sparks: How Parents Can Help Ignite the Hidden Strengths of Teenagers by Peter Benson, president of Search Institute, includes thought-provoking research results on sparks and practical ways to discover and nurture your teenagers sparks.

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Visit MVParents.com and read more about Sparks: Bringing Out the Best in Kids, our newest Parenting Matters resource.

Voting: An Asset-Building Approach

“It’s not the hand that signs the laws that holds the destiny of America. It’s the hand that casts the ballot.”—Harry S. Truman, 33rd president of the United States

On Election Day, we go to the polls to vote for the people who will lead our country, our states, and our communities. Although only adults can vote, you can include your kids in ways that help them become engaged citizens who can’t wait to vote when they turn 18. Consider these ideas to make Election Day a family day.

Try it...

For all parents

• Take your kids with you to the polls. Young children can often accompany parents into the polling both, and older kids will pick up a lot of the buzz by observing the process from a distance. Most polling places enjoy having kids come, and many make them feel right at home, even though they’re not old enough to vote.
  
  
• If you’re comfortable talking about your political beliefs and choices, then talk about whom you are voting for and why. Explain what your hopes are for your country, your state, and your community. Then ask your kids for their opinions.
  
  
• Learn more about voting and elections by visiting the government’s citizen guide.
  
  
• Make Election Day a family day by watching the polling results and listening to what election forecasters have to say. Find a media source that you respect and pay attention to it.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• If your polling place gives out stickers that say, “I voted,” give your sticker to your child (or ask one of the organizers if your child can have a sticker of her own). Most young children love wearing stickers, and many will proudly say, “I voted!” even though they’re not old enough to do so.
  
  
• Find a photograph of the president in a book, on the Internet, or in a magazine and show it to your child. Talk about how the president is the leader of country. Even if you’re not a fan of the president, getting your child familiar with idea and the person will help him become more engaged in the process as he grows.
  


• Declare Election Day as red, white, and blue day and wear those colors. Make flag pictures together to hang on the refrigerator. Serve something red (strawberries), white (potatoes), and blue (blueberries) for a meal.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Talk simply about Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. Children at this age often become fascinated by the animal that represents a political party, such as the donkey and the elephant. If you’re interested in another political party (such as the Green Party) talk about that one instead of the Independents to keep the explanation simpler.
  


• Have your child (and other family members) vote for a leader at home. Create a ballot box and give only two or three choices. Design the ballot with pictures of those running for office. Don’t be surprised if your child picks someone based solely on “how nice” she looks. That’s okay at this age. Have someone tally the votes.
  
  
• Make the political process fun, even though it is serious business. Keep your strong opinions for adult conversations. You don’t want to turn your kids off to the process if you get overly emotional.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• As a family, research those running for office. Ask your kids to do research through the Internet and see what they find. Talk about what you’ve learned.
  
  
• Begin introducing the idea of political platforms and issues to your child. Together, learn which candidates advocate for which issues—and which issues are important to you and why. Get your kids’ opinions about important issues as well.
  
  
• Bring your child with you to a political caucus or primary. You don’t need to stay long to give your child a sense of what happens at these political events.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Encourage your teenager to get involved in the political process at school. Many high schools have political parties, debates, and straw votes during election time. Find out how the student body voted—and what your teenager thought of the results.
  
  
• Help your teenager register to vote when he turns 18. If you’re not sure how to register in your area, visit Project Vote. If your teen still lives with you, take him to the first voting election.
  
  
• Talk with your teenager about the contradictions and the political process. For example, some people question how a candidate can talk about “family values” after having an affair. Honor your teenager’s growing sophistication and maturity by not shying away from how politics can get mean or incoherent. Talk about why that happens.
  
  
• Have family discussions about candidates and the issues. Talk about why it’s important for family members to vote and be politically active.
  

Making Time for Family Time

“The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.”—George Santayana, American philosopher

American pianist Michael Levine says, “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” To be an asset-building parent and an asset-building family, you need to spend time together as a family. A number of families have found creative ways to do this so that they can connect in meaningful, positive ways. Consider some of these ideas.

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For all parents

• Designate a regular family time as part of your routine. Some families have a weekly family night. Others have a monthly family outing. Others have a daily family check-in during dinner or before bed. Figure out a routine that works for you and your family.
  


• Have fun together. Do activities that make you laugh, and enjoy being together. Some families play sports together. Others tell knock-knock jokes. Others have tickle fests.
  
  
• Get your kids’ input on how to spend family time. You may be surprised to learn that they want your family to get out more—or stay home more. Kids often have good ideas.
  
  
• If you attend a congregation, go to worship services together as a family. Participate in family-friendly congregational events, such as family volunteering.
  
  
• Eat meals together as a family. For discussion starters, visit Make Mealtime Family Time.
  
  
• Your family often will bond more if you can get out of the house and do something together where you don’t know other people. Take a trip to another city, suburb, or county and discover what’s there. Go to a sporting event, a museum, or a play.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Choose short activities that your children enjoy doing. Spend family time at a playground, a park, or at the library.
  
  
• Get down on the floor and hang out with your child. Ask your child what he or she wants to play and join in.
  
  
• Keep family time stress-free by following a routine where family members get enough rest, alone time, and together time. Parenting young children can be intense and exhausting, so pacing yourself is essential to enjoying each other’s company more.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Continue to expand your child’s world by visiting places as a family that your child has never seen before, such as a train depot, a radio station, or a park where people go canoeing and kayaking.
  
  
• Encourage your kids to make up new rules for familiar games. Kids at this age love creating new twists on old favorites.
  
  
• Do something active together. It’s too easy to have a weekly family TV night where you watch a show together. Mix it up. Play hopscotch outside. Go for a bike ride. Go swimming at a local pool. For more ideas on how to be active together, check out these Family Time Activities.
  
  
• Sometimes include grandparents and other extended family members in your family time. Show how your family includes not only your nuclear family but your extended family as well.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Follow your child’s interests and do family activities around what they want to do. (Take turns between family members so that you’re not doing the same thing over and over.) Some young teenagers enjoy sports, art, music, or visiting a certain store. As kids get older, they hear about places and activities from their friends that they’d like to explore.
  
  
• Encourage your child to invite a friend when your child begins to resist spending time with your family. Expand your family to include friends.
  
  
• Kids at this age sometimes get interested in activities such as cooking, gardening, tinkering with a car, and woodworking. Teach them the skills they’re interested in and do these activities together as a family.
  


• Consider getting the resource: Conversations on the Go: Clever Questions to Keep Teens and Grown-Ups Talking.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue to invite your teenager to family activities, but don’t expect them to attend every one. In some cultures, teenagers are becoming more individualistic, and it’s important not to stifle their independence. If your culture encourages a strong sense of community, be aware that the mainstream culture may cause conflict with your own traditions, making your teenager question what it means to be part of a family.
  
  
• Help your teenager find and nurture the balance between self-interest and family interest. For example, if your teenager refuses to participate in many family activities, be clear that certain family times are non-negotiable, such as attending certain holidays, the birthdays of family members, or some other activity like a wedding or funeral of an extended family member. Teenagers grow by following their own interests and by participating in family activities and traditions.
  
  
• Ask your teenager what he or she wishes your family would do together. You may be surprised at what your teenager suggests. One teenager surprised his family by saying he had always wanted to go on an archaeological dig, so the family planned an outing together and had a great time—even though no one had ever gone on a dig before.
  

When You Don’t Like Your Child’s Friend

“Worry is the darkroom in which negatives are developed.”—Anonymous

You hate to admit it, but your child has a friend you don’t like. Sometimes your dislike is based on something small, such as an annoying habit or quirk. But sometimes, your dislike is based on a major reason for concern, and you’re worried that your child’s friend will influence him or her in ways you don’t like. It’s not unusual for you not to like all of your kid’s friends. In fact, as kids grow, they’ll befriend all kinds of people. Here’s how to handle this situation.

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For all parents

• Know that only your kids can pick their friends. You can create opportunities for them to hang out with certain kids (especially when they’re younger), but your kids will be drawn to some people over others. It’s important to allow and respect that.
  
  
• If your child chooses a friend you don’t like, get to know that friend. Invite that friend over to your home so that you can learn more about him or her and monitor the situation a bit.
  
  
• If possible, get to know the friend’s parents in some way.
  
  
• Identity what bothers you about the friend. Is the friend bringing out an aspect in your child you don’t like (such as being more independent)? Does the friend remind you of a negative experience you’ve had in the past? Or is it a feeling that you can’t name yet? Become more aware of the specifics of what bothers you.
  


• Ask your child what he or she likes about this friend. (But be careful not to express your disapproval too strongly, since sometimes that will strengthen a friendship based on rebellion.) Discern what the attraction is to your child.
  
  
• Be a strong, positive influence on your child, particularly when you believe that a friend is a negative influence. Have your child spend time with other caring adults who are also positive influences. Try to counterbalance the negative with the positive.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Don’t be surprised if most young children under the age of 3 ignore other children. This is developmentally common, and it’s no cause for concern.
  
  
• As preschool children become more aware of other children and begin playing with them, some will develop strong preferences for certain kids while others will play with anybody. Both can happen, and both are normal.
  
  
• Some preschoolers have imaginary friends in addition to real friends, and some play only with imaginary friends. Ask your child for the imaginary friend’s name, and get to know that imaginary friend through your child. Take imaginary friends seriously, since they’re important to your child. If your child starts to use an imaginary friend as an excuse for bad behavior, be clear that all children, including imaginary ones, need to follow the rules.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• A lot of children during this age are very concerned about the “goodness” and “badness” of others. Many are quick to tattle on each other, and some can say downright mean things to each other. Be clear about what’s acceptable and what’s not, and remember that children are still learning what it means to be a friend.
  
  
• Bullying can be a problem at this age, and it’s important to intervene immediately and help all kids (bullies, victims, and other kids) learn how to get along, how to resolve conflicts peacefully, and how not to label each other so that a “bully,” “tattle tale,” or “victim” label sticks for the rest of their lives.
  
  
• Notice your child’s friendship patterns. Some children always seem to have a group of friends. Some constantly change friends. Some have one or two close friends. This all depends on their personality and whether kids are introverted and prefer one or two close friends or extroverted and prefer lots of friends. A helpful book is Nurture by Nature by Paul Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Be aware that friendships can shift dramatically during this age period, particularly if your child had a lot of friends of the opposite sex. (Kids at this age tend to befriend kids of their own gender.)
  
  
• Friendships can become intense and all-consuming at this age. Your child can constantly be on the phone, text messaging others, and wanting to be running with friends. Monitor their friendships and make observations if you have concerns. For example, if your child is drawn to a child who has no boundaries, say, “It seems fun to have a friend who gets to do anything. I understand that. But I also worry, because your friend is always well during the weekend but then misses school two days a week because of not getting any sleep on the weekend. Friends are important, but so is school.”
  
  
• Don’t pry, but create an atmosphere of openness for your young teen. They need to figure out where they fit with friends and other peers, but invite them to come to you when they get overwhelmed or stuck.
  
  
• Continue to be aware for bullying and meanness. As kids go through puberty and become more aware of their sexuality, kids can become vulgar toward each other. Walk the fine line between letting them work out their own problems but also be ready to intervene if they get in over their heads.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• A teenager falling in love can be upsetting and worrisome to parents, especially if the relationship is intense and moves fast. Teenagers sometimes ignore all their other friends just to spend every moment with the person they’re dating. Acknowledge and respect the love that they feel, but talk about how it’s important to maintain other friendships as well.
  
  
• Talk to your teenager about what their friends are doing in terms of drinking, using drugs, doing pranks, and other activities. This can be a difficult age, particularly if your teenager wants to fit in with a group that requires questionable activities. Offer alternatives. Some teenagers can attend parties where alcohol is served, but not drink. Others find that too tempting. Keep the conversation open and inviting so that your teenager doesn’t feel judged.
  


• Even though your teenager is separating from you, talk with your teenager when you have concerns about a friend. Read the article When You Don’t Like Your Kid’s Friends that highlights when to step in (and when to stand back).
  
  
• Invite your teenager’s friends over often and get to know them by name. You’ll see most of them as they zip past you to your teenager’s room, but greet them as they scurry by and tell them how glad you are to see them (even if you have mixed or negative feelings about them).
  

Helping Your Child Get into the School Spirit

“Foster a sense of community among students.”—Alfie Kohn, American education expert

We want our kids to enjoy going to school (or child care). We want them to learn, to find friends, and to be excited about what happens at school. One of the best ways to foster a deep attachment to school is to help your child get into the school spirit. Here’s how.

Try it...

For all parents

• First find out what your child thinks about school. Some don’t feel comfortable with their school, while others get upset about certain aspects of it. Learn more about these issues. See what you can address. Help your child feel more at home at school before you encourage “school spirit.”
  


• Every school and child care center has a spirit to it, and teachers and students who enjoy being there create that spirit. Find out what your child enjoys about school. Even if it’s only lunch and recess, emphasize that. Lunch and recess are important social times, and having friends at school makes it more inviting to attend.
  
  
• Talk about what you admire about your child’s school or child care center. For example, point out the caring, interesting teachers. Or the first-class orchestra. Or the top-notch swimming team, the resourceful media center, the rich diversity of the student body, or the many after-school activities offered. Sometimes your child may take these aspects of school for granted. Help your kids notice what makes their school unique.
  
  
• Attend school events. Cheer on school teams. Admire the art made by the students that the school displays. Go to concerts and performances. Attend these school events with your child—or go to see your child in action.
  
  
• Purchase school attire and other items. If your school doesn’t offer these items, consider checking out the School Spirit Store.
  
  
• Find out if your child’s school has certain school colors and a mascot. Young children often get excited about the school mascot (particularly if it’s an animal), and you can all wear school colors to show your school spirit.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Child care centers and preschools often offer periodic parent and family activities. Attend these as often as possible. Your child (and you) are more likely to bond to a child care center or preschool if you know other adults and children there.
  
  
• If your child care center or preschool offers T-shirts for sale (or other items), buy them if you can. Children often are proud to wear T-shirts from their school, and they can be conversation starters for other people who see your child wearing them.
  
  
• Consider getting involved in a child care center or preschool parent board (or if your center doesn’t have one, see if you can start it). These boards often generate excitement by creating projects that help the school, such as building a playground (or buying new equipment for one) or recruiting elderly people to come in a read aloud picture books to the children (or rock the babies). Check out School Spirit Ideas if your school is looking for creative ideas.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Take a photo of your child in front of his or her school. Also consider taking a picture of your child with his or her teacher. Make an extra copy and have your child hang these photos in his or her room.
  
  
• If your child’s school has a playground, go there on the weekends (and in the summer) so that your child can play. This also helps your child get more into the school spirit and feel more home at school.
  
  
• Some schools have T-shirts, pencils, folders, or notebooks with their school name on them. Make a big deal of these items. Treat them with care, and encourage your child to use them often.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• At this age, kids start to become more aware of the high school colors. If you can afford them, invest in school shirts that your kids are excited to wear (hooded sweatshirts are often popular, as are pajama bottoms in school colors). Another idea is to buy shoes laces in school colors, which you can often find at arts and crafts stores or through the school, or if you know someone who enjoys knitting or crocheting, ask him or her to make a school scarf for your child in school colors.
  
  
• Continue to attend talent shows, concerts, games, and other school events, even if your child doesn’t want you to come. You can be in the background and not make a big deal, but kids do notice your support and your presence.
  
  
• Encourage your child to participate in before- or after-school activities. Sometimes these are not well publicized, so check with your school office for opportunities.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• School events often cost money, so consider creating a budget for your teen to attend theater performances, varsity games, and concerts. Although they typically aren’t too expensive, your teen most likely won’t attend them if they’re expected to pay. But many are happy to attend (and go with their friends) if you pay. If your teen enjoys a particular sport, such as varsity soccer or varsity football, find out if there is a season pass, which is often cheaper that paying by the game.
  
  
• Learn your school’s fight song. When you attend school events, sing along!
  
  
• Although school yearbooks, letter jackets, school dances, sweatshirts, and school rings can get expensive, they’re also important symbols that show teenagers’ pride in their school. Again, you don’t have to spend lots of money, but at least consider investing in the annual yearbook—or figuring out inexpensive ways for them to go to a dance. Or go to the arts and crafts store and buy inexpensive, plain T-shirts in the colors of your school.
  


• Subscribe to the school newspaper and/or the community newspaper and keep on top of the school news—or visit your local library and check out the latest issue for free. Then initiate conversations with your teenagers about what’s going on at school. They’re more likely to talk if you ask specific questions about specific topics, rather than asking the general, overused question, “How’s school?”
  
  
• Celebrate the times when your teen’s school is doing well, such as during sports championships, state music festivals, or even when your kids just have fun, such as at the homecoming dance or prom. You don’t have to go overboard, but teens notice when you’re proud of their school.