When Your Child Loses Things

“Riches do not exhilarate us so much with their possession as they torment us with their loss.”—Epicurus, Greek philosopher

Sometimes your child can seem like a black hole. You give your child a backpack, a jacket, a camera—and then it’s gone. Your child doesn’t know where it is (and sometimes blames everyone else for the disappearance). How can you teach your child to hang on to things? Consider these ideas.

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For all parents

• Losing things, unfortunately, is developmentally appropriate for kids. During some rapid times of growth, many kids have a hard time keeping track of themselves, let alone anything else. So know that you’re not the only family dealing with this issue.
  
  
• Decide which items you can turn over to your child completely and which ones you want to monitor more closely. Many parents keep closer track of higher-cost items, such as cameras and hand-held video games. With younger children, you can bring these out for them to use, and then put them away yourself. With older kids, you can create a place for them to keep these items (such as in a specific spot in their room or in another area of your house) to help them keep track of things.
  
  
• Be clear that your child is responsible for items that get stolen or lost. For example, some kids think if they blame a thief, their parents will more likely replace an item. Be up front that it’s up to them to replace an item. This often will help them keep better track of their things. Or if they figure out where they left the item, have them go pick it up.
  
  
• Teach your child responsibility by trying the ideas in the chapter on Asset 30: Responsibility in What Young Children Need to Succeed for ideas from birth to age 11 and in What Kids Need to Succeed for ideas for ages 12 to 18.
  
  
• Be empathetic when your child loses something valuable. You want your child to be responsible, but you also want your child to see you as a trusted adult who truly cares about his or her ups and downs.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Create a bag or backpack that you take with you on outings that have items your child enjoys. Keep those things in that bag when they’re not using them so that you know where these items are.
  
  
• If your child loses a favorite blanket, stuffed animal, or other item, search with your child. Even if you don’t find it, your child often feels less stressed if you’re just as concerned about the lost item as he or she is.
  


• Be realistic about what this age can do in terms of responsibility.
  
  
• Keep family valuables far from young hands. Young children enjoy playing with keys, watches, remotes, purses, jewelry, and other items that you don’t want lost. Keep these items high on a shelf or inside a container that kids cannot get into.
  


• Consider packing away some of your valuables until your children are older to keep them safe from getting lost, or broken. Or keep them in a display case that your child cannot open.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Make it easy for your child to keep track of items for school. For example, have a one-two-three count. One is for the backpack. Two is for the coat. And three is for the lunchbox (or another item).
  
  
• Write your child’s first and last name with permanent marker inside of clothes, backpacks, and other important items. Most schools have a lost and found, and they’re more likely to help you get these items back if your child’s first and last name are printed inside.
  


• Create a place for your child’s important things so that they begin to associate that place for certain items. For example, maybe you have a hook for your child’s backpack and another for your child’s coat. Maybe you find a small shelf that will hold your child’s valuables.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• The onset of puberty can seem to rob your child of his or her sense of responsibility. Kids at this age seem to misplace everything. Many parents of this age talk about how they seem to have more items in their home that belongs to their kids’ friends than to their own kids! If this happens to you, consider creating a box to keep other kids’ stuff.
  
  
• Talk with your child about taking responsibility for keeping track of valuables, such as a cell phone, an mp3 player, or a digital camera. When you give these items to your child, give them fully to your child, which means that if your child loses them (or if the items are stolen), it’s your child’s loss, not yours.
  
  
• Teach your child to empty their pockets at the end of the day. Too many kids at this age leave valuables in their pockets, and then these items get ruined in the washer.
  
  
• If your child loses something valuable and cannot find it after a time, talk about how he or she can work to buy another one. Don’t bail out your child, but create a work plan where your child earns all the money to buy a replacement. This won’t be easy for you—or your child—but it teaches your child a valuable lesson about hanging on to things.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• At this age, your teenager may own some high-price items, which are not only easy to lose but are also tempting for others to steal. Consider listing these items as personal articles to your homeowner’s insurance. There’s often a small annual fee, but when these items are listed individually, they rarely have a deductible and will be fully reimbursed if your teen files a police report for stolen property.
  
  
• At this age, your teenager should be able to keep better track of things. Continue to build skills in areas where your teenager may be struggling, such as keeping track of a driver’s license (by keeping it in a wallet instead of just a pocket) and homework assignments.
  
  
• Be open and flexible about how your teenager keeps track of things. Some are quite organized and systematic. Others are more right-brained and spontaneous. If your teenager is not organized, talk about other ways to keep track of things, such as having a decorative bowl to place things in or getting a night stand to hold a wallet, cell phone, and so on. Encourage creative ideas so that your teenager keeps track of what’s important.
  

Noticing When Your Kids Do the Right Thing

“Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”—W. Clement Stone, American writer

It’s so easy to say no. It’s even easier to find all the little things that your child does wrong. Yet, what if you said yes more than you said no? What if you started noticing the little things your child is doing right? Even though your child will still do things wrong and get into trouble, your child will feel more uplifted rather than beaten down when you notice her doing the right thing. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• Kids are growing and learning. A lot of this process involves trial and error, which is why it seems on some days they do more wrong things than right. Open your heart more and be compassionate about your child’s process of growing and discovering what’s right and wrong.
  
  
• Be intentional about noticing what your child is doing right. For example, if your toddler made a mess at lunch but ate all of her vegetables, point out how proud you are of how she ate.
  
  
• Pay attention to how you respond when someone gives you a compliment. Then think about how your child feels when you compliment him.
  
  
• Continue to set and enforce boundaries consistently. You can make a point of praising good behavior and following through on consequences when your child violates known boundaries.
  


• Talk about how doing the right thing is about becoming a person of character, a person with strong positive values. A helpful book is Teaching Your Children Values.
  


• Be sincere in your compliments. Mean what you say. Kids can tell right away when an adult is manipulating them by saying something nice to get them to behave a certain way.
  
  
• Don’t limit yourself to complimenting only your own kids. If you see a neighbor child or a teenager at the grocery store do something good, give a personal compliment. Your children are always watching what you do, and they’ll observe that you’re rewarding good behavior.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Delight in the discoveries of your child. For example, some kids get excited with ants or worms outside. Share their enthusiasm—even if you’ve seen millions of ants before.
  
  
• Give your child two better choices when he wants to make one bad one. For example, if your child keeps stealing your watch and playing with it, offer your child two different toys that he really likes and make a trade. (Then keep your watch in a place your child cannot get into.)
  
  
• Compliment your child whenever he helps out or does a caring action.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Homework and learning to read can be overwhelming, daunting tasks for children at this age. Break apart the steps and point out when your child is doing the right thing, such as recognizing specific words when reading aloud.
  
  
• Point out how proud you are when your child apologizes after doing something wrong (even if the apology didn’t seem sincere). Learning to apologize is hard to do, so recognize your child’s effort even if her execution isn’t smooth yet.
  
  
• Notice when your child is gentle and caring toward other people and animals. These caring behaviors are important for them to learn and continue to use throughout their lives.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids at this age often become self-conscious and worry about their appearance. When they experiment with their hair or clothing style, compliment on a part that you like (even if it’s just the color).
  
  
• Many kids have shifting relationships at this age as they figure out who they are and how they fit in. When you like one or more of their friends, say so. Tell them how good they are at choosing friends.
  
  
• Schoolwork often can become more intense and demanding, and some kids get easily discouraged. Tell your child how proud you are of her efforts and how she is going deeper with education. If your child is open to it, ask how you can help. Sometimes just being encouraging is a great gift for a child at this age.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• The trouble that kids can find at this age can often have bigger consequences, such as getting into a car accident or getting caught for vandalism. Treat these situations seriously and be firm about how you expect your child to act. Try to separate your child from the behavior by being hard on the behavior and still loving toward your child. A helpful book is Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.
  
  
• Tell your teenager that you’re proud of him, and be specific. For example, say, “I was really proud of how you tackled that player and then helped him up.”
  
  
• Older teenagers can sometimes be so busy that parents rarely see them, so when you do, say something positive.
  
  
• Monitor how your teenager acts toward your compliments. Some don’t like too much enthusiasm. Others do. Give compliments in ways that your teenager accepts the best—and truly finds sincere.
  

Kids: Valentine’s Day, Friendships, and Dating

“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.”—Pearl Bailey, American singer

Valentine’s Day. It’s a day kids either love or hate. Those who love it enjoy all the care, attention, and connection with others. Those who dislike it can feel left out and lonely. Older teenagers who are dating often find the holiday romantic, which can get parents worried about how romantic it is for them. Make Valentine’s Day a memorable day with these ideas.

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For all parents

• Write a short note that describes what you admire in your child. Give the note to your child on Valentine’s Day. If your child is too young to read, include a photograph of the two of you, or draw a picture.
  
  
• Talk about your favorite and least favorite Valentine’s Day experiences, and explain what made them so. It helps kids to know that adults have different feelings about the holiday, depending on what’s happening in their lives.
  
  
• Instead of emphasizing the romantic, sexy qualities of the holiday (which marketers do), focus on deepening relationships and showing people you care. Instead of giving candy, give the inexpensive mini-poster 150 Ways to Show Kids You Care.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Young children love holidays. Make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day. Consider making red and white cupcakes (or heart-shaped cookies). Or purchase a box of inexpensive children’s valentines and write your child’s name on the envelope of every valentine in the box. Then hide the valentines and have your child find them in a scavenger hunt around your house.
  
  
• Consider serving a heart-shaped food, such as a heart-shaped pancake for breakfast, raw carrots that make an outline of a heart for lunch, or a pizza from scratch for dinner—arrange the toppings in the shape of a heart.
  
  
• Young children love stickers. Find heart-shaped and other valentine-themed stickers and have them create a valentine sticker book from a small sketchbook.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Schools often send home a list of classmates for Valentine’s Day. Help your child choose a type of valentine he likes and then help him address a valentine for every child in the class, no matter how much he likes or knows each child. Make sure to give a card to the teacher.
  
  
• Some children enjoy including an item with a valentine’s card to give to classmates. Ask what your child would like to give, but set a budget so that your child doesn’t go overboard with spending.
  
  
• Toss any valentines that your child receives that are mean. Your child does not need to look at these over and over and feel bad. Say that it hurts you that people can be mean, but focus more on the kind valentines rather than the hurtful ones.
  
  
• If you’re creative, encourage your child to make homemade valentines. This can become a big project (especially if you’re trying to make one for everyone in the class), so start early. Or make homemade valentine cards only for family members.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Monitor your child’s feelings about giving valentines. Some stop giving them at a certain age, and honor that. However, if your child wants to give valentines to only close friends and not to everyone in the class, suggest that your child mail valentines to friends so other students don’t feel left out. Talk about how other people feel when they see some kids receiving valentines and others not getting any.
  
  
• Gauge your child’s feelings about Valentine’s Day. If your child enjoys it, go all out and make a big deal of it. If your child finds it a painful holiday, figure out how to connect with your child in meaningful ways that don’t go overboard, such as making their favorite cookies.
  


• Talk about how Valentine’s Day is about love—not sex. Some young kids get the message from the media that the way you show love is by having sex. Discuss why it’s important to wait to have sex and how you can show someone you care in other ways, such as holding hands or just being together. For ideas on how to talk to your child about sex, read the excerpted from Third Base Ain’t What It Used To Be: What Your Kids Are Learning About Sex and How To Help Them Grow Into Sexually Healthy Adults.
  
  
• Kids at this age like to make fun of holidays and mushy feelings. As long as their humor is funny and appropriate, let them do so. But make sure their humor doesn’t cross the line into being gross, mean, or crass.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Some older teenagers are in exclusive dating relationships, and Valentine’s Day can put pressures on taking the relationship further. Talk about that with your teenager. Discuss alternatives to deepening the relationship, such as going out to eat or telling their special someone how they feel. If your teen is getting very serious with someone, talk about your worries about teen pregnancy. For more information, read this article on teen pregnancy.
  
  
• If your older teenager thinks Valentine’s Day is dumb, don’t make a big deal of it with her. However, if you have other children or a significant other, don’t let your teenager’s feelings about the holiday hijack your celebration with other family members.
  
  
• Expand the holiday so that it’s about caring, not just romance. Consider doing a family service project together, such as bringing cookies to an elderly family member, making valentine cards for cousins, or offering to serve a meal at a soup kitchen.
  

Teaching Kids How to Stay Safe

“The door to safety swings on the hinges of common sense.”—Anonymous

It’s tempting to teach kids safety with one phrase: Watch out for stranger danger. Yet, according to the Mayo Clinic, strangers commit only 15 percent of kidnappings. Plus, you want your kid to protect themselves in many ways, not just from kidnappers. Although the world can sometimes seem scary, you can teach your kids how to protect themselves. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• When teaching kids how to protect themselves, don’t frighten them. Don’t tell them about terrifying news, frightening stories, and scary statistics. Instead, build their confidence by building their skills.
  
  
• Build the 40 Developmental Assets in your kids. According to the Jacob Wetterling Foundation, “Adults can protect their children from victimization by giving them positive identities and values, appropriate boundaries and expectations, and the support they need to flourish.” These are all categories of Developmental Assets.
  
  
• Teach kids to pay attention to what scares them. Gavin de Becker, the author of The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence suggests that we pay attention to when our hearts race, when we get nagging feelings, and when we hesitate. These all could signal that something is wrong and we need to pay attention.
  
  
• If you’re divorced and have a contentious relationship with your ex, your ex could be the biggest threat to your child. Keep tabs on your ex. Be clear at school, child care, and other places where your child goes if your ex is not supposed to pick up or visit your child.
  
  
• Monitor your children regularly. While you teach kids skills on how to protect themselves, they still need caring adults who know where they are going, who they are with, and what they are doing. This includes when kids are at home and surfing the Internet or they’re quiet behind closed doors. Yes, kids need their privacy, but as a parent, you should have a good idea of what they’re up to.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Monitor young children at all times. They need constant supervision. Young children can easily wander off (or disappear) within moments.
  
  
• If you need a break from parenting, find a caring, responsible adult (or teenager) who can play with and supervise your young child well. The early-childhood years can be hard on parents because of the constant supervision and care, so give yourself breaks to be at your best when you are with your kids.
  


• Create a warm, loving, safe home so that your child is relaxed most of the time. The kids who have a hard time discerning between threatening people and nonthreatening people tend to be the kids who grow up in chaos and stress.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Be clear who your child should and should not talk to during times away from home. For example, if your child rides the bus, teach your child to take the right bus and to walk straight to school (or straight home) afterward. For young children, it helps if you (or another adult) can wait with your child at the bus stop before school (and meet your child after school).
  
  
• Encourage your child to play with or near other children when they’re outside or away from home. Explain that kids are safer in groups than when they’re alone.
  
  
• With your child, locate the McGruff safe houses in your neighborhood. (They have a sign in the front window or door with a picture of the McGruff dog.) Say that if your child ever feels uncomfortable and cannot find you, it’s best to go to a McGruff house. If you haven’t met this neighbor, do so before you need it. Visit the McGruff Web site for more tips about McGruff houses.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Be clear that your child is not to make arrangements or meet anyone in person that they discovered through the Internet. This is the area that concerns experts the most since kids at this age often don’t talk as much with their parents and become curious about people online.
  
  
• Continue getting to know the friends of your child—and also the parents of your child’s friends. Some kids find new friends at this age, and since they’re more independent, it’s easy not to know most of their friends.
  
  
• As your child becomes older, be more frank about your safety concerns (but don’t overdo it, or your child may dismiss you). Be factual and non-emotional when you state your concerns, such as saying, “I hear that some kids are drinking alcohol at parties and then having sex because they get caught up in the moment. I’m worried that this could happen to you.”
  
  
• Give your child an easy way to say no to uncomfortable situations. If they have a hard time being honest or standing up for themselves (which can happen during the self-conscious teen years), give them options, such as “I have to go home now” or “I feel sick” or “My mother would kill me.” Then make sure you can pick your child up right away (or know another trusted adult who can) if your child calls, asking for help.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue talking about the safety issues that affect older teenagers and adults. For example, once kids get their driver’s license, many don’t realize how many accidents occur after dark and with a lot of teenagers in the car. Visit TeenDriving.com for driving safety tips.
  
  
• If one of your teenager’s classmates is in an accident or dies, attend school events or visit the hospital of the injured teen. Even though these are difficult situations, don’t insulate your teenager from them. They shape everyone’s attitudes and actions.
  
  
• Kids at this age often feel invincible and dismiss their “old fogy” parents’ safety concerns. Notice when your teenager takes precautions and say how much you appreciate your teen making smart choices. Try to give more positive feedback than negative feedback—it is the best way to get through to kids this age.