Getting to Know Your Child’s Friends

“All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them.”—Earvin “Magic” Johnson, American professional basketball player

Who are your child’s friends? What do you know about them? Getting to know your child’s friends not only helps you know more about your child, but it also helps you become an asset builder for more kids. You don’t need much time. You don’t need any money. The little things you do to get to know your child’s friends can make a big difference in their lives. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• Learn the names of all of your child’s friends. You may even want to consider creating a notebook with the information (particularly if your child has a lot of friends). Some asset-building parents keep a notebook that not only lists their child’s friends but also the names of the parents (along with phone numbers, e-mail addresses, or an address). This information is particularly helpful as kids become teenagers because then you can more easily touch base with parents when kids are out and about.
  
  
• Make your home a welcoming place for your child’s friends. Greet them by name. Smile and make eye contact with them. (Even if it’s the only time you see them.) Consider having activities that make your home “the place” to be. Some parents have a video-game console. Others stock their cupboards with treats. Some parents enjoy hosting parties. Others like to do projects with kids. Still others put up a basketball hoop so that kids can play games together.
  


• When you attend games, concerts, and performances, congratulate your child first afterward but also make it a point to say hello to other kids.
  
  
• Learn how to start meaningful conversations with kids by downloading the free two-page Conversation Starters for Groups of Parents (under Grading Grown-Ups 2002) on Search Institute’s Web site.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• If your child is in preschool or a child-care center, spend a few minutes with your child and the other children around drop-off or pick-up times. Get down on the floor (or sit at their tables). Say hello to the other children.
  
  
• Smile at young children whenever you see them. Get to know the names of the children of your neighbors, extended family, and employees. Say hi to these children and call them by name whenever you see them.
  
  
• Read young children’s faces for cues about how to act around them. (Some are very shy, and others may have had a hard day.) Interact with young children in ways that make them draw closer to you. Change what you’re doing if young children pull away or frown.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Find out the names of children your child meets at school. Invite one child over to your home at a time. At first, have activities planned during the playtime (in case the children discover that they don’t know what to do or find themselves squabbling). As children get older, they often become more independent in their play.
  


• Attend school events whenever possible. Ask your child to introduce you to their friends. Spend a few moments asking their friends questions such as: What do you love to play? What’s your favorite sport? What’s your favorite book?
  


• Consider creating birthday parties that help kids get to know each other—and also help you get to know them. Plan some get-to-know-you games, like games from the book Great Group Games.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• At this age, your kids may not like to spend much family time, so ask them to invite a friend to family activities and family getaways. This often makes family reunions and family activities more appealing.
  
  
• During the spring or summer, have your child and his or her friends plant a vegetable, herb, or flower garden in your yard or in a community garden. Offer to help out along the way. (Kids at this age are often most interested in the beginning steps of planting and later steps of harvesting but not much in between.) Projects such as these help kids get to know each other (while you also get to know them) and also helps them feel proud of what they’ve accomplished.
  


• Monitor how your child reacts to you getting to know their friends. Some are okay with you getting to know their friends’ names, but they may not be too happy if you become overly friendly with them.
  
  
• If you don’t like one or more of your child’s friends, distinguish between your preferences and areas of concern. (We all have people we prefer to be with, and the same is true with our child’s friends.) If you are concerned about one of your child’s friends (because the friend cuts class or uses drugs), say that your preference is not to be friends with people who can get you into trouble, and you want your child to use the same guideline that you do.
  


• Friendships sometimes can shift during this age as children move up to different schools. Continue to get to know their friends as these friendships change and emerge.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue to greet your teenager’s friends and ask them how they are. Some will be quite talkative, so make time to listen to what they have to say.
  


• If you see one of your teenager’s friends when you’re shopping or out in the community, go out of your way to say hello. Many appreciate the connection, especially if you notice what they’re doing. (Many older teenagers work and enjoy seeing someone who knows them.)
  


• Create a relaxed, home environment so that teenagers enjoy coming to your home. Some parents stock the refrigerator with juices and soda pop. Others always have a fresh loaf of banana bread out. Teenagers love to eat, and they’re more likely to talk when they have something to eat.
  

School Buses: Creating Better, Safer Rides

“Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with a half of a dozen lions—everyone but a school bus driver.”—Dr. Laurence J. Peter, American educator

Many kids get to and from school by riding a school bus, and that journey can determine how your child’s day begins—and ends. A number of communities have made the bus ride an asset-building experience, and as a parent, you also can make the experience better and safer with these ideas.

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For all parents

• Tell your children that riding a school bus is a privilege, not a right. The way they act on the school bus is important. They need to respect the bus driver and other riders, and they also need to follow the rules to ensure a safe ride.
  
  
• Model and talk about school bus safety. When you see a school bus, follow the rules by not driving around a bus. Give children time to enter and disembark safely. Visit the Web site, The School Bus Rules, for tips on school bus rules for parents.
  
  
• Find out if your school district has a list of bus rules or a student-parent-bus contract for everyone to sign. When everyone knows the rules, it’s easier to follow them and expect others to follow them as well.
  
  
• Be aware that the bus ride is one of the primary places for teasing and bullying. Find out how the school deals with bullying prevention on the bus in terms of expectations for behavior, the consequences for violations, and the training and support bus drivers get. Tell your child that he should not feel intimidated on the bus, and to come to you if that happens.
  
  
• Know your child’s route to the bus stop. Practice walking it with your child before the first day of school so that your child knows it well.
  
  
• Get to know your child’s bus driver. Introduce yourself on the first day of school and ask the driver for her name. When you see the bus driver, greet her by name, smile, and say how much you appreciate the work she does.
  
  
• Celebrate National School Bus Safety Week in the third week of October each year. For more information, check out National Association for Pupil Transportation.
  
  
• If possible, try to have at least one adult in your neighborhood stationed at the bus stop while children wait. If there are a lot of working parents, see if you can take turns to ensure there’s an adult to keep an eye on kids at the bus stop.
  
  
• On the last day of school, go out of your way to thank the bus driver. If you feel it’s appropriate, have your child make a thank-you card to give to the driver.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Some preschools and child care centers now have pick-up vans and small buses for transportation. If this is the case for your child, be clear that your child needs to sit in his seat at all times when on the bus.
  
  
• If your child has never ridden a bus, consider taking an excursion together on a city bus or on some type of mass transit. Talk about how the bus (or subway) helps people to get where they are going just like a car does.
  


• Keep reminding children to sit down as the bus moves. Many hop up when they see something interesting outside the window and can easily fall as the bus moves or turns.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Show your child the danger zone of a bus (which is about 10 feet around the outside of the entire bus). Explain how most accidents happen in this danger zone, which is why it’s important to be especially careful in this area and to get out of the danger zone as quickly as possible.
  
  
• If your child is afraid to ride the bus at first, consider riding the bus with your child. Or set up a time to volunteer at the school and accompany your child on the bus.
  
  
• Explain that the bus driver is like a teacher. It’s important for your child to listen and do what the driver says.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids at this age can get a bit rowdy on the bus. Continue to emphasize that they shouldn’t create unsafe conditions by being too noisy or moving around.
  
  
• Encourage your child to get to know the bus driver. Talk about how it’s not easy to be a bus driver, and your child can make a bus driver’s day by saying hello to her.
  
  
• If your child needs to bring a bulky item to school (such as a school project or a tuba or a double bass), consider giving your child a ride. Taking large items on the bus is not easy, especially if the bus has a lot of kids (which most do now because of budget cuts).
  


• Some kids enjoy riding the bus home with a friend. If your child wants to do this, check with the school office about what you need to do to make this happen. Some teachers or schools require a permission slip from a parent.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Some teenagers (especially those with cars) make fun of other teenagers who have to ride the school bus. Be clear that this is not acceptable. Many teenagers need to ride a bus to get to school, and one type of transportation is not better than another. In fact, point out how bus riders don’t have to pay for gas, car maintenance, or car insurance.
  
  
• Find out if your school requires teenagers to ride a bus to certain off-campus events, such as a college fair, a school dance, or a state tournament. Find out when buses are to leave and when they will return so that you know what to expect.
  
  
• If your teenager’s bus also picks up younger children, encourage your teenager to be kind and helpful to the other riders. Encourage them to greet and get to know the younger children, since many are terrified to ride a bus with so many “big kids.”
  

Getting Your Child Excited about the Arts

“All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”—Pablo Picasso, Spanish painter

Kids often line up in one or two camps when it comes to the arts: either they’re interested, or they’re not. Or, they think they’re either an artist or not. Yet all kids are artists, and art can be interesting—once your child discovers the type of art that excites him or her. Research from Developmental Assets: A Synthesis of the Scientific Research on Adolescent Development shows that kids who are involved in the arts tend to achieve more at school, have higher self-esteem, are more creative, and are more self-motivated. In essence, the arts are a key way to help your child succeed. Get your child more interested in the arts with these ideas.

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For all parents

• Incorporate art into your lifestyle. Even if you don’t consider yourself an artist, note how you have an eye for art. It may be through cooking, decorating, the clothes you wear, or in another activity. Art is much broader than just doing art projects.
  
  
• When you notice that something is beautiful or artistically pleasing, talk about. For example, maybe you like the architectural design of the community center, or the color combination of the school walls. Or a photograph, painting, or drawing captures your eye. Ask your child what he or she finds beautiful. To become more aware of everyday beauty, visit the blog – One Year of Beauty.
  
  
• Attend art showings at your child’s school, in your community, and in your congregation. Many coffee shops now display art, as do city and county halls, community centers, congregations, and local businesses. Many schools and communities are now recognizing local artists through art events and displays.
  
  
• Examine art from other cultures, such as madhubani folk art from India, pysanky eggs from the Ukraine, or West African masks. Try creating an art form from another culture—or one from your culture.
  
  
• Do art with your child. Even if it’s just finger-painting, coloring, or doing an art project, make art together. For art activities, visit Art Kids Rule!.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Make art part of your daily routine. Create opportunities for your child to paint. Draw. Color. Scribble. Create objects out of Play Dough^®.
  
  
• Check out a picture book with beautiful illustrations. Talk about the art you enjoy. Ask your child which pictures he or she likes.
  
  
• Visit children’s museums. Many of these are hands-on activity museums, but they expose children to art as well as activity.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• See if your child is interested in taking an art or craft class. Community centers and nature centers often offer one-time or short-term arts and crafts activities for kids.
  
  
• Post your child’s school art on your wall. Consider framing ones you especially like. You don’t need to invest much for a frame—many arts and crafts stores sell inexpensive frames that you can use over and over.
  
  
• Spend time together with the comics section of your Sunday newspaper. Ask your child which comics he or she likes best and why. Point out the different art styles. Consider having your child create a comic strip for fun.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• See if your child is interested in any of the manga or anime arts that are often popular with kids this age. (You can usually find them in the graphic novel section of your library of bookstore.) Some kids enjoy drawing this type of art, others enjoy trying to create costumes or hairstyles of the characters.
  
  
• If your child dislikes art, consider that it may be because he or she hasn’t discovered an art style that excites him or her. Many kids at this age enjoy cartooning or making jewelry. Keep introducing your child to different art styles.
  
  
• See what your child thinks of the technological arts, such as computer art, digital photography, videography, architectural drafting, or mechanical arts. Because many kids at this age enjoy technology, they may get interested in art through technological media.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• For a family outing, visit a museum and look at the art. Also watch for special art exhibits that come to town, such as those that feature a specific artist or art movement.
  
  
• If your teen enjoys art and is good at it, consider suggesting that he or she create an art exhibit for his or her senior year in high school. Or see if your teen is interested in selling art, or in submitting something to an art competition called Teen Ink Magazine. It is a publication devoted to publishing teen art and writing nationwide. For more information, visit Teen Ink and click on Magazine Edition.
  


• Fill your house with art, whether it’s inexpensive art that you find at garage sales or professional art. Having art in your home shows teenagers how much you value it.
  
  
• Build Developmental Assets by commissioning your teenager (and other kids) to create art for you to display in your home. Author Louise Erdrich says her father paid her a nickel for every story she wrote when she was a child, and she says this built her confidence in her ability to write and to get paid for it.
  

Creating an Ideal Homework Center

“Study from new books but from old teachers.”—Turkish proverb

Homework. Most kids complain about it, but kids who learn the skills to get their schoolwork done are much more likely to succeed in school. In Developmental Assets: A Synthesis of the Scientific Research on Adolescent Development, Search Institute research revealed that time spent on homework is associated with higher test scores, higher grades, improved scientific literacy, fewer behavior problems, and less marijuana use. You can help your child succeed by creating an ideal homework center in your home.

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For all parents

• With your child, locate a place in your home where your child can do homework each evening. This may be a desk, but it also may be the kitchen table.
  
  
• Together buy homework supplies. It’s better to have too many than not enough. (You don’t want a lack of pencils to become an excuse.) You don’t need to spend much money, but it’s helpful to have pencils, paper, a folder (or organizer to keep track of the homework), and erasers.
  


• If your child does not get a homework organizer from your school, create or buy one. Your child won’t be able to do homework if he or she doesn’t know what the assignments are. Getting organized and getting in the habit of tracking daily (and long-term) homework is a key skill to build in your child.
  


• What’s most important in your child doing homework well is not so much the amount he or she has, but how accurately homework is completed, the quality of homework your child has, and the thinking skills involved.
  
  
• Get more homework tips from the book How to Help Your Child with Homework by Jeanne Shay Schumm, Ph.D.
  
  
• Try to be present during your child’s homework times, especially when they’re younger. Sit next to them and offer to help them. Or if you have bills to pay, work you need to do from your job, or some other project, do it while your child is doing homework. Talk about how everyone has homework—even adults. Your modeling teaches your child a lot about the importance and value of homework.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Read aloud to your child every day—throughout the day. Although young children do not typically get “homework” (and developmentally, they shouldn’t), you can help keep them curious and learning by reading interesting picture books.
  
  
• Do something intellectually stimulating with your child every day. Go for a color walk where you look for specific colors, such as red, yellow, or blue. Bring in a snowball, or use an ice cube, and place it in a bowl for your child to see what happens as it melts. Visit a children’s museum.
  
  
• Remember to emphasize all parts of learning, not just memorization. Give kids time to practice cutting with child-size scissors, stringing large beads, drawing with crayons (or washable markers), jumping, running, and playing with other children. The kids who are most ready for kindergarten have been practicing all their skills: intellectual, social, emotional, and physical.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Attend back-to-school events and open houses at the beginning of the year to learn what teachers expect for homework. Getting on the same page with the teacher right away will help you know how to support your child in getting homework done.
  
  
• When your child does not have homework, have your child do a different type of learning so that he or she gets used to learning something extra every day. This can be as simple as reading a book or researching together on the Internet to learn why birds fly south for the winter, or trying a new element of art, such as drawing a portrait of your family pet. A helpful Web site for ideas is HomeworkSpot.
  


• Whenever you help your child with homework, be sure that your child is doing the homework (and you are not). Your role is to ask questions, give examples, and assist your child in learning concepts, not give them the answers.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• At this age, kids often throw out the homework skills they’ve mastered. Unfortunately, too many try to throw out homework all together. Be firm that homework still needs to be done. If your child wants to do homework in front of the TV while listening to an MP3 player, allow it as long as your child completes homework well and does well in school. If grades start to slip, set new rules where your child needs to focus more on homework and less on other distractions.
  


• Negotiate times for your child to do his or her homework. Some want a break after school. If so, set a time limit. You may also need to set limits on other things as well to ensure that your child is getting homework done—and done well.
  
  
• Keep in touch with teachers about your child’s progress in school. Many schools now have Internet portals where you can access your child’s grades, assignments, attendance, and tardies. If so, check this weekly (if your child is doing well) or daily (if your child starts to slip).
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• By this age, your teenager should have strong homework skills if you’ve been building them from an early age. However, some slip and others haven’t mastered certain skills. The biggest skill that many older teenagers often need is how to spread out long-term projects and how to study for major exams (such as the ACT, the SAT, AP and IB exams, and final exams). Pull out a calendar if your teen has trouble with this skill and have him or her break down these projects and test preparation into week-by-week (or day-by-day) chunks.
  
  
• Continue to offer your assistance for homework, but be clear about what you will and will not do. (Some parents end up pulling all nighters with their procrastinating teenager to help him or her get a project done.) One of the most helpful ways you can provide assistance is to proof papers and college essays. But work with your teenager to build in extra time for your feedback, in case you discover that the paper needs a heavy rewrite and not just a correction of a few typographical errors.
  


• Talk with high school counselors and teachers to create an academic schedule for your teenager from ninth to twelfth grade that challenges your teenager and deepens his or her skills. You want to keep your teenager growing (without boring or placing too much pressure on your teenager) so that he or she gradually masters skills to take the next step after high school.