Noticing When Your Kids Do the Right Thing

“Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”—W. Clement Stone, American writer

It’s so easy to say no. It’s even easier to find all the little things that your child does wrong. Yet, what if you said yes more than you said no? What if you started noticing the little things your child is doing right? Even though your child will still do things wrong and get into trouble, your child will feel more uplifted rather than beaten down when you notice her doing the right thing. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• Kids are growing and learning. A lot of this process involves trial and error, which is why it seems on some days they do more wrong things than right. Open your heart more and be compassionate about your child’s process of growing and discovering what’s right and wrong.
  
  
• Be intentional about noticing what your child is doing right. For example, if your toddler made a mess at lunch but ate all of her vegetables, point out how proud you are of how she ate.
  
  
• Pay attention to how you respond when someone gives you a compliment. Then think about how your child feels when you compliment him.
  
  
• Continue to set and enforce boundaries consistently. You can make a point of praising good behavior and following through on consequences when your child violates known boundaries.
  


• Talk about how doing the right thing is about becoming a person of character, a person with strong positive values. A helpful book is Teaching Your Children Values.
  


• Be sincere in your compliments. Mean what you say. Kids can tell right away when an adult is manipulating them by saying something nice to get them to behave a certain way.
  
  
• Don’t limit yourself to complimenting only your own kids. If you see a neighbor child or a teenager at the grocery store do something good, give a personal compliment. Your children are always watching what you do, and they’ll observe that you’re rewarding good behavior.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Delight in the discoveries of your child. For example, some kids get excited with ants or worms outside. Share their enthusiasm—even if you’ve seen millions of ants before.
  
  
• Give your child two better choices when he wants to make one bad one. For example, if your child keeps stealing your watch and playing with it, offer your child two different toys that he really likes and make a trade. (Then keep your watch in a place your child cannot get into.)
  
  
• Compliment your child whenever he helps out or does a caring action.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Homework and learning to read can be overwhelming, daunting tasks for children at this age. Break apart the steps and point out when your child is doing the right thing, such as recognizing specific words when reading aloud.
  
  
• Point out how proud you are when your child apologizes after doing something wrong (even if the apology didn’t seem sincere). Learning to apologize is hard to do, so recognize your child’s effort even if her execution isn’t smooth yet.
  
  
• Notice when your child is gentle and caring toward other people and animals. These caring behaviors are important for them to learn and continue to use throughout their lives.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids at this age often become self-conscious and worry about their appearance. When they experiment with their hair or clothing style, compliment on a part that you like (even if it’s just the color).
  
  
• Many kids have shifting relationships at this age as they figure out who they are and how they fit in. When you like one or more of their friends, say so. Tell them how good they are at choosing friends.
  
  
• Schoolwork often can become more intense and demanding, and some kids get easily discouraged. Tell your child how proud you are of her efforts and how she is going deeper with education. If your child is open to it, ask how you can help. Sometimes just being encouraging is a great gift for a child at this age.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• The trouble that kids can find at this age can often have bigger consequences, such as getting into a car accident or getting caught for vandalism. Treat these situations seriously and be firm about how you expect your child to act. Try to separate your child from the behavior by being hard on the behavior and still loving toward your child. A helpful book is Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.
  
  
• Tell your teenager that you’re proud of him, and be specific. For example, say, “I was really proud of how you tackled that player and then helped him up.”
  
  
• Older teenagers can sometimes be so busy that parents rarely see them, so when you do, say something positive.
  
  
• Monitor how your teenager acts toward your compliments. Some don’t like too much enthusiasm. Others do. Give compliments in ways that your teenager accepts the best—and truly finds sincere.
  

Motivating Your Kids to Do Their Best

“Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.”—Winston Churchill, former British prime minister

You want your kids to do their best. But what is their best? How do you know if your kids are living up to their full potential? Consider these ideas.

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For all parents

• Notice how much your child is self-motivated. Some kids seem to know what they want and go after it. Others seem to dillydally a lot. Every child has a different amount of self-motivation.
  


• Kids are motivated to do their best when they enjoy what they’re doing—and whom they’re with. That’s why one child can have a great year in math one year and a not-so-great year the next. Teachers change. Circumstances change. A lot affects a child’s motivation. Pay attention to what increases your child’s motivation—and what squelches it.
  
  
• Find out what your kids love to do. They’re more likely to be motivated to do things they truly enjoy. Keep introducing them to new activities so that they can discover new things that excite them.
  
  
• True motivation comes from finding the ideal point of being challenged. When kids are overly challenged, they may give up because the expectations are too high. If they’re not challenged enough, they may become bored. Try to find the right balance for your child.
  
  
• Be aware of the difference between extrinsic motivation (being motivated by others with rewards and bribes) and intrinsic motivation (being motivated internally to do something). Although it’s okay to try to motivate kids from time to time with rewards, try to get in touch with what makes your child motivated from the inside and focus on that motivation.
  
  
• Look for fun ways to spice up activities that your child doesn’t enjoy, such as certain chores or doing homework for least-favorite subjects. For example, play music and dance while you dust. Or let your child sit with a favorite stuffed animal while doing homework.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Create a structured day that includes reading aloud picture books, playing outside, doing art, nap time, snack time, making music, and playing with stimulating, age-appropriate toys. Notice which activities excite your young child and build on those.
  
  
• A key point for this age group is to give kids stimulating activities that encourage their curiosity—rather than kills it. Kindergarten teachers say they can always tell which kids have had their curiosity nurtured when they arrive at school the first day. These are the kids who have had parents who take them to interesting places (zoos, children’s museums, the library, the playground, the grocery store) and also have provided interesting, stimulating activities, such as reading aloud, going for walks and identifying colors, and building towers out of blocks.
  


• Motivate your child’s curiosity by not pushing or forcing your child to learn. Eliminate the flash cards and memorization activities. Instead, focus on the things that fascinate your child, such as befriending ants outside or having tea parties for stuffed animals.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Closely monitor your child’s activity and motivation levels at the start of school years. Starting school can be physically exhausting for young children. Make sure they get the rest they need in order to do well at school. Visit Education World.com for tips for healthful sleep.
  
  
• Young children are still highly relational. They tend to be motivated to do well when they adore the adults they’re with. Connect them with trusted, competent adults who care about them.
  


• Kids notice what motivates you. Talk about and include your kids in your passions, such as gardening, woodworking, scrapbooking, or hiking.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Monitor your child’s motivation. Many kids go through phases when they don’t want to do the things they used to love to do. Some can become disinterested in school (or certain subjects). Talk about how important it is to keep going. For more ideas, see Parenting Preteens with a Purpose by Kate Thomsen.
  
  
• Notice the new interests that get your kids excited. Sometimes it’s giggling about the opposite sex, reading comic books, or fashion. Kids at this age are highly aware of which social groups they fit into and don’t fit into, and so many are motivated to look—and act—a certain way.
  
  
• Many kids become motivated by how they feel during this age. Model and talk about how important it is to do certain activities (such as completing homework and helping out with chores) no matter how you feel.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Keep tabs on how competition is affecting your teenager’s motivation. For some teenagers, competition motivates them more. For others, competition paralyzes them. Give suggestions on how to handle competition well.
  
  
• Talk with your teenager about how to balance highly motivational activities with ones that are important but less interesting to do. Explain how adults constantly find ways to take responsibility yet also follow their interests and passions.
  
  
• Most teenagers (and adults) want to change something (such as losing weight, exercising more, or improving their performance at work or school). But change is hard. Point out how small steps matter. A helpful resource is One Small Step Can Change Your Life by Robert Maurer.
  

Me, Me, Me: When Kids Think Only of Themselves

“When we are happy, we are less self-focused. We like others more, and we want to share our good fortune, even with strangers.”—Martin Seligman, American researcher

Kids are self-absorbed. It’s part of their development. At times, they need to focus on themselves to grow up well. Yet, as parents, we can continue to help them be aware of, be sensitive to, and help the people around them. This is easier to do at certain ages than others, but all kids benefit when they develop a healthy sense of themselves while also developing a healthy sense of caring for others.

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For all parents

• Remember that you are not alone. Almost all parents complain about their kids being self-absorbed. This occurs most intensely when kids are young (during the toddler and preschool years) and then again in the early teenage years.
  
  
• Support your kids. Encourage your kids. Be proud of your kids. Help them grow up well as individuals, but also nurture their caring for others. As a family, do simple family service projects. Bake cookies for a sick friend. Help an elderly person with yard work or errands. For family service ideas, see the free MVParents newsletter, Family Volunteering.
  


• Set age-appropriate boundaries for your kids. Kids who grow up self-absorbed have been handed everything and not expected to follow boundaries.
  
  
• Notice and acknowledge your child’s positive behavior whenever you see him acting in caring ways toward other people and animals.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Teach children to share from an early age, even though sharing is a difficult concept for young children to learn. Keep teaching them about sharing, and they will gradually learn it.
  
  
• Keep a healthy balance of your child having her own things and also sharing. For example, if you invite a child over to play at your home, ask your child to put away her favorite toys that she doesn’t want to share. Explain how everything else is meant to be shared while the child visits.
  


• Meet your child’s needs. If your child cries, attend to him immediately. Keep your child fed, rested, and stimulated. The better your child is cared for as a young child, the more likely he will develop a strong sense of self and become a caring individual.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Kids can become selfish when they feel threatened or scared. Instead of coming down hard on your kids when they act this way, ask questions to see if something else might be going on.
  
  
• Continue to value, listen, and respect your child. Nurture her identity. You cannot become a caring individual if you don’t feel cared for.
  
  
• Keep in touch with grandparents, neighbors, and extended family members. When you bring your kids with you to be with other people, they see you caring for others, and they learn to be interested in others.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your former caring child becomes a self-absorbed teenager. This often happens, and it happens to a lot of kids. Give your child some space to develop, but continue to emphasize how important it is to help and care for others.
  
  
• Kids at this age often love to help others through projects. Have the budding artists create cards to send to homebound or sick people. Have those who enjoy cooking bake something for a widow. Also see if a local congregation has service projects that your kids can do with their friends.
  
  
• Be sensitive toward your self-conscious, self-absorbed teenager. Many have fragile identities. Even though they may push you away, they still want your support and care.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Because of the sometimes fierce competition in high school, some older teenagers can become wrapped up in their own worlds in order to succeed. Monitor their stress and competition levels. Encourage them to have a healthy social life in addition to having a healthy academic life.
  
  
• Older teenagers often take great pride in doing more extensive, challenging service projects. Some go to weeklong service camps in other states—or other countries. Or see if your teen would be interested in building houses with Habitat for Humanity. Visit their Web site to find a local chapter.
  
  
• Continue to do your part in modeling caring. Volunteer at your teen’s school—or in an organization or your community. Talk about why you volunteer and why you enjoy it. Even if your teenager doesn’t do much volunteering now, he will remember what you did.
  

When You’re Too Tired to Deal with Your Kids

“Tired minds don’t plan well. Sleep first, plan later.”—Walter Reisch and Charles Brackett, American writers

It’s a too-common parenting myth: you think once your infant starts sleeping through the night, you’ll be less exhausted. But the truth is, parenting has many moments that tax your system, cause you to lose sleep, and place demands on you that make you tired. Plus, when you add in your work, volunteerism, keeping up a home, and dealing with friends and family, you can often find yourself doing more than you should. So what can you do when you’re too tired to deal with your kids? Try these ideas.

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For all parents

• Pace yourself. Parenting is not a race. Think of it as a run that lasts forever. While it’s true that active parenting is most intense while your children are living at home, you’ll still find yourself parenting your adult children, depending on the choices they make after they move out.
  
  
• Take care of yourself. Figure out creative ways to get rest and to rejuvenate yourself. Some parents take short naps during the movie when they take their kids to the movie theater. Others cut back on their activities so they have a little down time (which often isn’t easy to find when you’re a parent).
  
  
• Know that you’re not alone. Many parents feel tired because of our society’s unrealistic expectations. Too many parents are working long hours, working more than one job, or being single parents who are trying to juggle everything.
  
  
• Talk with other parents. Learn how they get rest. See if you can trade off so that one parent is with the kids of two or three families while the other parents rest or take a break. This is especially helpful for single parents who often feel they don’t have any breaks at all.
  
  
• Make sure your child is sleeping well, otherwise you won’t be sleeping well. For ideas on how to help your child sleep through the night, read The Sleep Book for Tired Parents by Becky Huntley.
  
  
• When you’re overly tired, you will not parent well. Your temper may flare easily. Your thinking may be muddled. If you’re exhausted and your child is pushing your buttons, say you need a time out. (Kids are often surprised when their parents give themselves a time out.) Explain that once you’ve gotten some rest and perspective, you can deal with the situation that your child has brought to you.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Whether you’re a parent who works outside of the home or you’re a stay-at-home parent, you’re going to get tired. If possible, take naps when your children nap, and remember, it’s okay to leave dirty dishes in the sink or let some housework go. Put yourself first and get some rest when you can.
  
  
• Once your children outgrow naps, continue to have a daily “quiet time” if your child is at home with you, or at the child care center if you work. Turn out the lights. Allow children to have a flashlight and use their “whisper voices” and allow them to do quiet activities, such as looking at picture books or playing very quietly. While your children have a quiet time, you can do the same. Consider meditating or taking a short nap.
  


• Find someone you can trust to give you occasional breaks. Maybe a grandparent or an uncle will spend time with your child while you rest or catch up on things. Or maybe you can get a referral from a friend about a great baby-sitter who loves kids.
  


• Young children are notorious for waking up earlier than their parents want them to. Consider getting your child a digital clock to place near your child’s bed. Write the appropriate wake-up time on a piece of paper and post it near the clock. Your children don’t need to be able to tell time, but they can practice matching the numbers. Explain that if they wake up before the numbers on the clock match the numbers on the paper, they can play quietly in their room. Then when the numbers match, they can wake you up.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Although children at this age still need supervision, you can take a 15- to 20-minute nap while they’re in the house during the day. Lock all the doors and be clear that your children are not to answer the door or go outside. Explain that you need some quiet, rest time. At first, your kids may interrupt you, but if you continue doing this on a regular basis, they’ll quickly catch on and respect your wishes to take a break.
  
  
• Encourage extended family members (and family friends you trust) to spend time with your children. Not only is this great for your kids, but it’s also important for you to have a much-needed break. When your kids are away, put yourself first. Nap. Take a walk. Then look at your to-do list.
  
  
• Don’t be surprised if your children send you into a short-term sleep deprivation period when they get sick, have a series of nightmares, or hit a stressful period in their lives when they can’t sleep. They will wake you up, and it’s important to care for them in the middle of the night.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Sleepovers often become “stay-up-all-night” events for this age group. Be firm about rules regarding leaving the house and quiet times. If they are noisy and cause you to lose sleep, take away their sleepover privileges for a while. Some parents even set a time limit for lights out (such as at midnight) and say that kids can continue to talk quietly with flashlights but can’t be roaming around the house after that time.
  
  
• As kids start to go through puberty, their sleep schedules tend to change. They become more nocturnal and can sleep until noon (or later). When this starts to happen, emphasize how your child needs to respect the other sleep habits of other family members. Many parents have to get up early to go to work (or do other activities), and they need a good night’s sleep—as does everyone else in the house.
  
  
• Since this is a time when many kids question authority that can create a lot of tension in your home, which can also make you tired. Find ways to care for yourself so that your nerves aren’t always shot. Take a hot bath. Shoot some hoops. Work out at the gym. Go for walks. Do yard work to relax. Read funny novels. Do what you can to take care of yourself.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• As teenagers become more independent, you may find yourself having trouble sleeping, particularly if they’re out late (and driving your car) or are on a date (and you’re wondering what they’re doing). Talk with other parents about how they handle the stress and worry of parenting older teenagers. You’ll quickly discover you’re not alone.
  
  
• Model how to take care of yourself. Older teenagers often are testing to see how far they can push their bodies in regards to sleep, eating, activity, and so on. Talk about how it’s important to have downtime in addition to activity. Explain how you feel when you don’t get enough sleep. Then model a healthy, balanced lifestyle for your teenager to observe.
  
  
• Don’t be surprised if you discover your activity levels need to change as teenagers get older. Many parents find themselves overwhelmed when their teenagers become involved in a sports team, a musical group, or are considering college. (For tips on how to maneuver the exhausting college application process, read the article, Parent-to-Parent: Staying Sane During the College Application Process). Realize that you’ll have more time once your teenager leaves the house, so it’s okay to let go of some of your personal activities until later. Pacing is the key to parenting well.
  

When Your Child Gets Moody

“The trick is what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable—or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”—Carlos Castaneda, author

Moods. All kids and teenagers go through moods when they’re negative, overly serious—and surly. Although child development experts say moodiness is common for all kids, some kids tend to be more moody than others, and some even suffer from clinical depression. How do you know what’s normal and what’s not? Consider these tips.

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For all parents

• All kids go through periods of moodiness, negativity, or “disequilibrium”—where they attempt to make sense of their rapid growth spurts. Researchers at the Gesell Institute of Human Development say these are normal, and they tend to happen during the half years until age 6 1/2 (starting at 6 months) and then tend to occur during the odd-numbered ages (ages 7, 9, 11, 13, and 15, for example). Read Child Behavior by Frances L. Ilg, M.D., for more information, http://www.gesellinstitute.org/.
  


• Always value your child’s perspective, even when it seems overly negative. If you don’t know what to say sometimes, consider saying, “It seems like you’re having a bad day. Is that true?”
  
  
• Realize that sometimes “down” moods are fine for kids to have, and it’s okay (as long as it’s not a serious situation) not to lighten them up. If you try to get your child to lighten up at the wrong time, your child may think you’re not valuing his true feelings.
  


• If your child ever says she wants to kill herself, take her seriously. Get professional help immediately.
  


• One of the best ways to get yourself—or your child—to lighten up is to put experiences into a broader context. Sometimes comparisons don’t work, but sometimes they do. For example, if your child gets upset when a stranger yells at him for no apparent reason, point out that it’s upsetting to get yelled at, but maybe the person doing the yelling had just lost a job or found out he or she has a terminal illness.
  
  
• Model how to handle life’s challenges with humor and even-temperedness. It’s important to model how to lighten up and still be responsible. For example, if you’re driving and someone cuts you off, you may talk about how you don’t like being cut off, but don’t try to get back at the driver.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Be sensitive to the rapid growth your child is experiencing during this age. Young children often get frustrated and upset when they see what they want to do but don’t have the physical or cognitive abilities to accomplish their wishes.
  
  
• Keep young children in predictable, comforting routines. Young children are more likely to thrive (and become less negative) when they know what to expect every day. Hungry, tired children are more likely to have bad moods than kids who aren’t hungry or tired.
  
  
• Point out the progress you see your child making. If your child gets frustrated while stacking five blocks, talk about how she has mastered stacking four blocks.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Be sensitive to the energy it requires to attend school. Even children who attended an all-day child-care center or preschool may become exhausted when they start going to school and are required to learn in ways that are different from the preschool years. Make sure kids get extra time to unwind, rest, and recharge.
  


• Encourage your child to articulate what he is feeling and why. Start with simple feelings, such as feeling mad, sad, or glad, and then gradually expand the feelings to frustration, being scared, and being worried. Talking about feelings helps kids work through their emotions with words instead of by hitting, getting depressed, or getting stomachaches or headaches.
  
  
• Kids often can get in bad moods when they’re doing too many things that they don’t like to do. Follow your child’s interests. If your child enjoys reading, visit the library often and check out lots of books. If your child loves to play soccer, go outside and play with your child. Continue to emphasize responsibility (such as doing homework and chores), but make sure there is a balance with responsibility and your child’s interests.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your child’s mood seems to change easily—or by the day. Early adolescence is the time of rapid change and rapid mood swings. Be patient. Read more about moods in Parenting at the Speed of Teens.
  
  
• Give your child space if your child wants it. Sometimes kids at this age need more time to unwind and make sense of what’s happening to them. Some kids, for example, don’t understand why some kids at this age become so mean.
  
  
• When children are in a good mood, enjoy it. Laugh with them. Tease them (in ways that you both enjoy). Tell kids how much you enjoy being with them.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Monitor your teenager’s schedule. High school counselors say that teenagers tend to overextend themselves and get overwhelmed or cut out too many activities and get bored. Help your teenager try to find a balance in his lifestyle, which often can help create a balance in his moods.
  
  
• Watch your teenager’s moods. All teenagers have a bad day now and then, but most aren’t as moody as they were during early adolescence. If you’re concerned about your teen’s moods, check in with a high school counselor or teacher.
  
  
• Ask your teenager about her passions and interests. Make sure your teenager has time to do things she really wants to do—in addition to taking responsibility at school and at home.
  
  
• Discuss current events with your teenager. Expanding your teenager’s worldview often helps him engage more in the world—and in his own life.