Tapping into the Best of Your Community

“Without a sense of caring, there can be no sense of community.”—Anthony J. D’Angelo, business founder

You live in a community, but how well do you know your community? Have you discovered what it has to offer your family—and your kids? More and more communities are becoming asset-building communities, and you may live in one without even knowing it. Find out the riches of your community with these ideas.

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For all parents

• Find out if your community has a registered asset-building community by visiting Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth Online Community! Click on your state, providence, or country and see what’s available. Click on “Show all initiatives” when the next window pops up. More than 600 asset-building initiatives, called Healthy Youth • Healthy Communities initiatives, are now operating worldwide.
  


• Discover what your community offers your family and kids through its parks and recreation department, community education program, community nature center (if your community has one), and schools. Although other community programs exist, you’ll find most of them through these departments.
  
  
• Ask other parents what your community has for kids, especially if you’re new to the community or haven’t made deep connections with it. For example, you may learn that there’s a kung fu program or a great individual piano teacher the kids are excited about.
  
  
• Visit your city or county hall and ask for information for kids and families. Many have brochures or catalogs that they can give you. Others can connect you with people who work in these areas.
  
  
• If you’re interested in a religious community, a congregation often has many opportunities for kids and families. See what’s available in your community.
  
  
• Connect with your neighbors. Focus on building community and connections with those who live closest to you. Over time, those relationships will be beneficial to you and your kids.
  
  
• Find out if your neighborhood block participates in National Night Out. If not, take an active role on getting something started. Start small by getting to know a few of your neighbors, or enlist the help of the whole block (including kids) to have a barbecue.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• For young children, a sense of community is very personal. Help your family get to know neighbors and trusting adults in your community.
  
  
• Watch for family events that your community sponsors, such as an annual carnival, an annual parade, or a family ice cream social. Attend these to meet other people and have some fun.
  


• Form community by connecting with other parents of young children, such as through your child-care center, preschool, congregation, or workplace. Some parents create a short asset-building small group and use Taking Asset Building Personally Guide.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• When you attend school open houses and other school events, meet parents and ask which activities they have their kids in and why. You often can discover a hidden gem that’s not advertised.
  
  
• Participate in family service projects offered by your community, your child’s school, or your congregation. These are often one-time, easy events that help you make a difference.
  
  
• Plug into small communities in areas that you care about. For example, if you care about education, volunteer to help out with the parent-teacher organization at school. If you belong to a religious community, make a deeper connection in your congregation. If you enjoy soccer, volunteer to be an assistant soccer coach. Get to know people in these areas.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• As children enter puberty, they sometimes leave behind the groups of people and activities with which they’re familiar. Sometimes they gravitate toward something else, but sometimes they’re not sure where to turn. If they’re not sure, offer to help them find other opportunities.
  
  
• Continue to connect your child with trusting, caring adults in your community, such as neighbors, parents of their friends, teachers, coaches, and so on. Kids feel more part of a community when people know them.
  


• A number of congregations offer service projects and work camp experiences for kids at this age. These experiences not only help kids feel like they make a difference, but they also help connect them to other kids and adults who care about serving their communities.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• If your community has an asset-building initiative, see if there are leadership opportunities for your teenager. Many of these communities have a number of leadership and other opportunities for teenagers. To find out if your community has a registered asset-building community visit Search Institute’s Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth Online Community! Click on your state, providence, or country and see what’s available. Click on “Show all initiatives” when the next window pops up.
  
  
• Encourage your teenager to go deeper into her interests. For example, if your daughter enjoys swimming, maybe she wants to get involved with the high school’s swim or synchro swim team. If your son enjoys theater, encourage him to explore the school’s drama club—or try out for a school play. Even though these are specific activities, teenagers feel more part of the community when they’re engaged and involved.
  
  
• If your teenager is interested in sports or other activities, there may be opportunities for him to teach classes, help out with a club, or coach. If this is something your teenager might be interested in, explore your local community center or parks and recreation department to see if organizers are looking for teen instructors, coaches, referees, or umpires.
  
  
• If your community offers a community service day, help out as a family, even if you can only volunteer for an hour. This helps everyone in your family see how they’re making your community a better place.
  

Advocating for Your Child

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”—Sir Winston Churchill, British politician

As a parent, you’re your child’s most important advocate. To help your child succeed and grow up well, there will be times when you need to step in and stand up for your child. Of course, you gradually want your child to learn these skills as she grows older, but you’re more equipped to advocate for your child when it comes to maneuvering through systems and red tape. Consider these ideas.

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For all parents

• Get to know your kids as well as you can. Which issues do your kids struggle with? Are there special needs? Medical issues? Learning differences? Something else?
  
  
• To be an effective advocate for your child, you need to be talking to your child and understanding his perspective as much as possible. Sometimes your child will want and need you to intervene, and sometimes your child just wants your support as he advocates for himself.
  
  
• When you advocate for your child, be ready to invest a lot of time. Systems often are not easy to move through, and it takes time to learn which people are key in helping you.
  
  
• Connect with people who are willing and skilled to help. For example, if you have a child with special needs, find the individuals at school who can assist you with an Individual Education Plan (IEP). Visit The Parental Advocate for more ideas on advocating for a child with special needs.
  
  
• Keep up to date on information about your child’s situation and condition. For example, if your child has asthma or severe allergies, learn as much as you can about the condition and how to keep up with the advancing treatments.
  
  
• Stay on top of the paperwork and the timing. Some systems require an extensive amount of paperwork for you to complete and turn in. Keep copies of everything. Make a timeline of who to contact if certain steps don’t happen within timeframes that you were told to expect.
  
  
• Create a team of advocates for your child. Every child needs caring adults who believe in her. For moving stories of how adults made a difference in the lives of young people, read the asset-building book Just When I Needed You.
  
  
• Gradually teach your child to advocate for himself. This entails sorting through what you want, communicating what you want, and negotiating with others who may or may not give you what you want.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Many child-care centers and preschools have set higher standards for behavior, and some even expel young children if they don’t meet behavior guidelines. If your child is on the verge of expulsion, meet with administrators to see if there are steps you can explore to teach your child appropriate behaviors and to allow more time for your child to learn these behaviors.
  
  
• If your child has a serious medical condition, make sure every adult who comes into contact with your child knows about it. You don’t want to label your child, but you also don’t want your child to have a seizure or health setback because adults weren’t informed of her health needs.
  
  
• Decide what you want for your child. Some preschools have become competitive and exclusive, placing high levels of stress on parents and kids. If that’s what you want, then work with those systems. If not, know that there are many alternatives, such as HeadStart or Montessori preschools.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Get to know your child’s teacher, bus driver, and adults who lead the activities your child is in. Build a relationship with these individuals. It’s much easier to advocate for your child when relationships are in place.
  
  
• Pay attention to your child’s eating habits, sleeping habits, and moods. Sometimes your child may be having a hard time with something, and you’ll find out by asking questions because of changes you notice in your child. Ask and then advocate for your child, if need be.
  
  
• Advocate that your child learns to read well. Spend time each day reading aloud to your child and having your child read aloud to you as he learns to read.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Even though it’s time consuming to attend open houses and parent-teacher conferences, particularly when your child has many teachers instead of only one, it’s an important investment into your child and her well-being. Learn what teachers and other adults expect of your child and then be your child’s guide in helping her meet those expectations.
  
  
• Find out how your child’s interests may be changing as he grows. Then research ways to connect your child to activities and trusting adults who are involved in these interests.
  
  
• Keep on top of possible problems and difficulties that can arise as kids get older. If you suspect your child is getting into trouble, step in right away. Advocate for the well-being of your child.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Talk with your older teenager about how she wants you to advocate for and help her. For example, some teenagers become overwhelmed with the college application process, and they’re happy when you research ACT and SAT test dates and help them sign up for these tests.
  
  
• Even though many older teenagers like to advocate for themselves, sometimes it’s important for you to step in, particularly if there’s a serious issue, such as your child wanting to drop out of school or contemplating suicide.
  
  
• Continue to be there for your teenager. Sometimes the best advocates are the ones who know how to listen, who create a home where teenagers feel safe, and who are willing to help out when teenagers ask for it.
  

Noticing When Your Kids Do the Right Thing

“Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”—W. Clement Stone, American writer

It’s so easy to say no. It’s even easier to find all the little things that your child does wrong. Yet, what if you said yes more than you said no? What if you started noticing the little things your child is doing right? Even though your child will still do things wrong and get into trouble, your child will feel more uplifted rather than beaten down when you notice her doing the right thing. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• Kids are growing and learning. A lot of this process involves trial and error, which is why it seems on some days they do more wrong things than right. Open your heart more and be compassionate about your child’s process of growing and discovering what’s right and wrong.
  
  
• Be intentional about noticing what your child is doing right. For example, if your toddler made a mess at lunch but ate all of her vegetables, point out how proud you are of how she ate.
  
  
• Pay attention to how you respond when someone gives you a compliment. Then think about how your child feels when you compliment him.
  
  
• Continue to set and enforce boundaries consistently. You can make a point of praising good behavior and following through on consequences when your child violates known boundaries.
  


• Talk about how doing the right thing is about becoming a person of character, a person with strong positive values. A helpful book is Teaching Your Children Values.
  


• Be sincere in your compliments. Mean what you say. Kids can tell right away when an adult is manipulating them by saying something nice to get them to behave a certain way.
  
  
• Don’t limit yourself to complimenting only your own kids. If you see a neighbor child or a teenager at the grocery store do something good, give a personal compliment. Your children are always watching what you do, and they’ll observe that you’re rewarding good behavior.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Delight in the discoveries of your child. For example, some kids get excited with ants or worms outside. Share their enthusiasm—even if you’ve seen millions of ants before.
  
  
• Give your child two better choices when he wants to make one bad one. For example, if your child keeps stealing your watch and playing with it, offer your child two different toys that he really likes and make a trade. (Then keep your watch in a place your child cannot get into.)
  
  
• Compliment your child whenever he helps out or does a caring action.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Homework and learning to read can be overwhelming, daunting tasks for children at this age. Break apart the steps and point out when your child is doing the right thing, such as recognizing specific words when reading aloud.
  
  
• Point out how proud you are when your child apologizes after doing something wrong (even if the apology didn’t seem sincere). Learning to apologize is hard to do, so recognize your child’s effort even if her execution isn’t smooth yet.
  
  
• Notice when your child is gentle and caring toward other people and animals. These caring behaviors are important for them to learn and continue to use throughout their lives.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids at this age often become self-conscious and worry about their appearance. When they experiment with their hair or clothing style, compliment on a part that you like (even if it’s just the color).
  
  
• Many kids have shifting relationships at this age as they figure out who they are and how they fit in. When you like one or more of their friends, say so. Tell them how good they are at choosing friends.
  
  
• Schoolwork often can become more intense and demanding, and some kids get easily discouraged. Tell your child how proud you are of her efforts and how she is going deeper with education. If your child is open to it, ask how you can help. Sometimes just being encouraging is a great gift for a child at this age.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• The trouble that kids can find at this age can often have bigger consequences, such as getting into a car accident or getting caught for vandalism. Treat these situations seriously and be firm about how you expect your child to act. Try to separate your child from the behavior by being hard on the behavior and still loving toward your child. A helpful book is Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.
  
  
• Tell your teenager that you’re proud of him, and be specific. For example, say, “I was really proud of how you tackled that player and then helped him up.”
  
  
• Older teenagers can sometimes be so busy that parents rarely see them, so when you do, say something positive.
  
  
• Monitor how your teenager acts toward your compliments. Some don’t like too much enthusiasm. Others do. Give compliments in ways that your teenager accepts the best—and truly finds sincere.
  

Teaching Kids How to Stay Safe

“The door to safety swings on the hinges of common sense.”—Anonymous

It’s tempting to teach kids safety with one phrase: Watch out for stranger danger. Yet, according to the Mayo Clinic, strangers commit only 15 percent of kidnappings. Plus, you want your kid to protect themselves in many ways, not just from kidnappers. Although the world can sometimes seem scary, you can teach your kids how to protect themselves. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• When teaching kids how to protect themselves, don’t frighten them. Don’t tell them about terrifying news, frightening stories, and scary statistics. Instead, build their confidence by building their skills.
  
  
• Build the 40 Developmental Assets in your kids. According to the Jacob Wetterling Foundation, “Adults can protect their children from victimization by giving them positive identities and values, appropriate boundaries and expectations, and the support they need to flourish.” These are all categories of Developmental Assets.
  
  
• Teach kids to pay attention to what scares them. Gavin de Becker, the author of The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence suggests that we pay attention to when our hearts race, when we get nagging feelings, and when we hesitate. These all could signal that something is wrong and we need to pay attention.
  
  
• If you’re divorced and have a contentious relationship with your ex, your ex could be the biggest threat to your child. Keep tabs on your ex. Be clear at school, child care, and other places where your child goes if your ex is not supposed to pick up or visit your child.
  
  
• Monitor your children regularly. While you teach kids skills on how to protect themselves, they still need caring adults who know where they are going, who they are with, and what they are doing. This includes when kids are at home and surfing the Internet or they’re quiet behind closed doors. Yes, kids need their privacy, but as a parent, you should have a good idea of what they’re up to.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Monitor young children at all times. They need constant supervision. Young children can easily wander off (or disappear) within moments.
  
  
• If you need a break from parenting, find a caring, responsible adult (or teenager) who can play with and supervise your young child well. The early-childhood years can be hard on parents because of the constant supervision and care, so give yourself breaks to be at your best when you are with your kids.
  


• Create a warm, loving, safe home so that your child is relaxed most of the time. The kids who have a hard time discerning between threatening people and nonthreatening people tend to be the kids who grow up in chaos and stress.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Be clear who your child should and should not talk to during times away from home. For example, if your child rides the bus, teach your child to take the right bus and to walk straight to school (or straight home) afterward. For young children, it helps if you (or another adult) can wait with your child at the bus stop before school (and meet your child after school).
  
  
• Encourage your child to play with or near other children when they’re outside or away from home. Explain that kids are safer in groups than when they’re alone.
  
  
• With your child, locate the McGruff safe houses in your neighborhood. (They have a sign in the front window or door with a picture of the McGruff dog.) Say that if your child ever feels uncomfortable and cannot find you, it’s best to go to a McGruff house. If you haven’t met this neighbor, do so before you need it. Visit the McGruff Web site for more tips about McGruff houses.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Be clear that your child is not to make arrangements or meet anyone in person that they discovered through the Internet. This is the area that concerns experts the most since kids at this age often don’t talk as much with their parents and become curious about people online.
  
  
• Continue getting to know the friends of your child—and also the parents of your child’s friends. Some kids find new friends at this age, and since they’re more independent, it’s easy not to know most of their friends.
  
  
• As your child becomes older, be more frank about your safety concerns (but don’t overdo it, or your child may dismiss you). Be factual and non-emotional when you state your concerns, such as saying, “I hear that some kids are drinking alcohol at parties and then having sex because they get caught up in the moment. I’m worried that this could happen to you.”
  
  
• Give your child an easy way to say no to uncomfortable situations. If they have a hard time being honest or standing up for themselves (which can happen during the self-conscious teen years), give them options, such as “I have to go home now” or “I feel sick” or “My mother would kill me.” Then make sure you can pick your child up right away (or know another trusted adult who can) if your child calls, asking for help.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue talking about the safety issues that affect older teenagers and adults. For example, once kids get their driver’s license, many don’t realize how many accidents occur after dark and with a lot of teenagers in the car. Visit TeenDriving.com for driving safety tips.
  
  
• If one of your teenager’s classmates is in an accident or dies, attend school events or visit the hospital of the injured teen. Even though these are difficult situations, don’t insulate your teenager from them. They shape everyone’s attitudes and actions.
  
  
• Kids at this age often feel invincible and dismiss their “old fogy” parents’ safety concerns. Notice when your teenager takes precautions and say how much you appreciate your teen making smart choices. Try to give more positive feedback than negative feedback—it is the best way to get through to kids this age.
  

Me, Me, Me: When Kids Think Only of Themselves

“When we are happy, we are less self-focused. We like others more, and we want to share our good fortune, even with strangers.”—Martin Seligman, American researcher

Kids are self-absorbed. It’s part of their development. At times, they need to focus on themselves to grow up well. Yet, as parents, we can continue to help them be aware of, be sensitive to, and help the people around them. This is easier to do at certain ages than others, but all kids benefit when they develop a healthy sense of themselves while also developing a healthy sense of caring for others.

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For all parents

• Remember that you are not alone. Almost all parents complain about their kids being self-absorbed. This occurs most intensely when kids are young (during the toddler and preschool years) and then again in the early teenage years.
  
  
• Support your kids. Encourage your kids. Be proud of your kids. Help them grow up well as individuals, but also nurture their caring for others. As a family, do simple family service projects. Bake cookies for a sick friend. Help an elderly person with yard work or errands. For family service ideas, see the free MVParents newsletter, Family Volunteering.
  


• Set age-appropriate boundaries for your kids. Kids who grow up self-absorbed have been handed everything and not expected to follow boundaries.
  
  
• Notice and acknowledge your child’s positive behavior whenever you see him acting in caring ways toward other people and animals.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Teach children to share from an early age, even though sharing is a difficult concept for young children to learn. Keep teaching them about sharing, and they will gradually learn it.
  
  
• Keep a healthy balance of your child having her own things and also sharing. For example, if you invite a child over to play at your home, ask your child to put away her favorite toys that she doesn’t want to share. Explain how everything else is meant to be shared while the child visits.
  


• Meet your child’s needs. If your child cries, attend to him immediately. Keep your child fed, rested, and stimulated. The better your child is cared for as a young child, the more likely he will develop a strong sense of self and become a caring individual.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Kids can become selfish when they feel threatened or scared. Instead of coming down hard on your kids when they act this way, ask questions to see if something else might be going on.
  
  
• Continue to value, listen, and respect your child. Nurture her identity. You cannot become a caring individual if you don’t feel cared for.
  
  
• Keep in touch with grandparents, neighbors, and extended family members. When you bring your kids with you to be with other people, they see you caring for others, and they learn to be interested in others.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your former caring child becomes a self-absorbed teenager. This often happens, and it happens to a lot of kids. Give your child some space to develop, but continue to emphasize how important it is to help and care for others.
  
  
• Kids at this age often love to help others through projects. Have the budding artists create cards to send to homebound or sick people. Have those who enjoy cooking bake something for a widow. Also see if a local congregation has service projects that your kids can do with their friends.
  
  
• Be sensitive toward your self-conscious, self-absorbed teenager. Many have fragile identities. Even though they may push you away, they still want your support and care.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Because of the sometimes fierce competition in high school, some older teenagers can become wrapped up in their own worlds in order to succeed. Monitor their stress and competition levels. Encourage them to have a healthy social life in addition to having a healthy academic life.
  
  
• Older teenagers often take great pride in doing more extensive, challenging service projects. Some go to weeklong service camps in other states—or other countries. Or see if your teen would be interested in building houses with Habitat for Humanity. Visit their Web site to find a local chapter.
  
  
• Continue to do your part in modeling caring. Volunteer at your teen’s school—or in an organization or your community. Talk about why you volunteer and why you enjoy it. Even if your teenager doesn’t do much volunteering now, he will remember what you did.
  

Voting: An Asset-Building Approach

“It’s not the hand that signs the laws that holds the destiny of America. It’s the hand that casts the ballot.”—Harry S. Truman, 33rd president of the United States

On Election Day, we go to the polls to vote for the people who will lead our country, our states, and our communities. Although only adults can vote, you can include your kids in ways that help them become engaged citizens who can’t wait to vote when they turn 18. Consider these ideas to make Election Day a family day.

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For all parents

• Take your kids with you to the polls. Young children can often accompany parents into the polling both, and older kids will pick up a lot of the buzz by observing the process from a distance. Most polling places enjoy having kids come, and many make them feel right at home, even though they’re not old enough to vote.
  
  
• If you’re comfortable talking about your political beliefs and choices, then talk about whom you are voting for and why. Explain what your hopes are for your country, your state, and your community. Then ask your kids for their opinions.
  
  
• Learn more about voting and elections by visiting the government’s citizen guide.
  
  
• Make Election Day a family day by watching the polling results and listening to what election forecasters have to say. Find a media source that you respect and pay attention to it.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• If your polling place gives out stickers that say, “I voted,” give your sticker to your child (or ask one of the organizers if your child can have a sticker of her own). Most young children love wearing stickers, and many will proudly say, “I voted!” even though they’re not old enough to do so.
  
  
• Find a photograph of the president in a book, on the Internet, or in a magazine and show it to your child. Talk about how the president is the leader of country. Even if you’re not a fan of the president, getting your child familiar with idea and the person will help him become more engaged in the process as he grows.
  


• Declare Election Day as red, white, and blue day and wear those colors. Make flag pictures together to hang on the refrigerator. Serve something red (strawberries), white (potatoes), and blue (blueberries) for a meal.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Talk simply about Democrats, Republicans, and Independents. Children at this age often become fascinated by the animal that represents a political party, such as the donkey and the elephant. If you’re interested in another political party (such as the Green Party) talk about that one instead of the Independents to keep the explanation simpler.
  


• Have your child (and other family members) vote for a leader at home. Create a ballot box and give only two or three choices. Design the ballot with pictures of those running for office. Don’t be surprised if your child picks someone based solely on “how nice” she looks. That’s okay at this age. Have someone tally the votes.
  
  
• Make the political process fun, even though it is serious business. Keep your strong opinions for adult conversations. You don’t want to turn your kids off to the process if you get overly emotional.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• As a family, research those running for office. Ask your kids to do research through the Internet and see what they find. Talk about what you’ve learned.
  
  
• Begin introducing the idea of political platforms and issues to your child. Together, learn which candidates advocate for which issues—and which issues are important to you and why. Get your kids’ opinions about important issues as well.
  
  
• Bring your child with you to a political caucus or primary. You don’t need to stay long to give your child a sense of what happens at these political events.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Encourage your teenager to get involved in the political process at school. Many high schools have political parties, debates, and straw votes during election time. Find out how the student body voted—and what your teenager thought of the results.
  
  
• Help your teenager register to vote when he turns 18. If you’re not sure how to register in your area, visit Project Vote. If your teen still lives with you, take him to the first voting election.
  
  
• Talk with your teenager about the contradictions and the political process. For example, some people question how a candidate can talk about “family values” after having an affair. Honor your teenager’s growing sophistication and maturity by not shying away from how politics can get mean or incoherent. Talk about why that happens.
  
  
• Have family discussions about candidates and the issues. Talk about why it’s important for family members to vote and be politically active.