The State of Your Family

“To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order. To put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order. To put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.”—Confucius, Chinese philosopher

At the beginning of each year, the president of the United States gives a State of the Union address to Congress, outlining his hopes and plans for the year. Take some time to sit down and discuss the “state of your family” and see what hopes and dreams everyone has.

For all parents

• Make this a democratic process and give everyone in the family a say. If your family isn’t used to this, you might be surprised at what your kids have to say. Listen to them.
  
  
• Take stock of where your family is and where you’d like it to be. Encourage family members to be open and honest about what they see as your family’s strengths and weaknesses.
  
  
• Think about two or three things you enjoy about your family and be ready to name them. As a parent, you may need to model this at first (if your kids aren’t used to it). For tips on effective family meetings, visit The Family Education Center.
  
  
• If discussions become difficult, make sure you keep them away from mealtimes. Stress can kill people’s appetites, and stressful meals usually drive people away from wanting to eat together. Keep mealtimes calm and fun. Deal with the hard stuff at other times.
  


• Sometimes kids say their family is boring and doesn’t do anything. If any of your kids have “big dreams” that cost “big bucks” (such as wanting your family to go on an overseas vacation), be honest about your family budget. Look at ways to save and creative ways to respond. For example, maybe you can’t afford to fly to China, but your family could attend the Chinese New Year celebration in your city. Expanding your family’s experience of other cultures is always a good activity to elevate the state of your family.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Create regular family times to play and be together. When you’re together, ask your child: “What would make family time more fun?” Keep questions short and easy to answer.
  
  
• If you have a parenting partner, talk about the current state of your family and what your hopes and needs are. Parenting young children can be intense and time-consuming, so be clear about your needs. If you’re a single parent, see if you can team up with another single parent to form a mutual support system for each other.
  
  
• Focus more on the state of your family rather than the state of your home. With young children in the house, it’s often difficult to maintain a well kept up home. Occasionally let the dishes sit in the sink to get down on the floor to play with your child.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Since children think concretely, you can make the “state of your family” day the same day as the “state of the union” address. Decorate your table with red, white, and blue ribbons. Talk about who the president is. Ask your kids: If you could be president of our family, what would you want to do?
  


• Your family will run much smoother if everyone pitches in with chores. Set aside time for clean-up where everyone picks up their things and puts them away. You also can have a family chore time once a week where family members work together to complete chores.
  
  
• Make time for family fun. With our busy lifestyles, it’s easy for everyone to be going in different directions and for life to get overly scheduled. Inflate a balloon and see how many times family members can bat it without the balloon falling to the ground.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Set up a time for a family meeting and talk about what kids hope for in the year to come. Most kids tend to think only of vacations, but encourage them to think broader, such as: Are there any recreational activities you’d like to try? Is there a restaurant that you’ve heard of that’s good?
  
  
• Encourage kids to invite a friend for family activities. They’re more likely to participate if they have a friend with them.
  
  
• Together learn more about the State of the Union and its purpose by reading about it on Wikipedia.
  
  
• Try to talk to your kids about the state of your family when they’re in a good mood. If kids are feeling down or having a bad day, you’ll only get negative feedback.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Make your home inviting to older teenagers. Keep snacks and beverages on hand that they enjoy. Say hello to your teen’s friends when they come through the door. Even though you may not see your teenager a whole lot, they’re more likely to bring their friends home with them if they view your house as a good place to be.
  
  
• Create enjoyable family time when you’re more apt to all be together, such as during the holidays, visiting colleges, and so on.
  
  
• Talk about the state of your family when you’re all together. Sometimes it’s tempting to do this without your older teenagers because they often are busy and not home much. So be spontaneous and call the family together to talk when they are home.
  
  
• Consider watching the State of the Union with your older teenager. Ask what she thinks is impressive, impossible, or interesting. Ask your teenager what she would say about the state of your family for the coming year.
  

Helping Kids Thrive on Routine

“My only secret is that I always bear in mind what my father said: Do the smallest things in daily routine with enthusiasm and sincerity.”—Nerrisa Ng, artist

Whenever kids have time off, such as during the summer or the holidays, it’s easy for them to get out of a regular routine. All of their habits—from sleeping to eating to taking care of themselves—get out of whack. But routines are important to help kids thrive. Kids do better when they eat healthy foods at regular intervals, get enough sleep, get some physical activity, and know what to expect from their days. Routines help to ground them and give them a sense of security. Here are some ideas to helping kids understand the importance of everyday routines.

Try it...

For all parents^*

• Talk about routines and why they’re important. For example, ask kids how they feel when they don’t get enough sleep: What happens the next day? Child and adolescent experts say that having a predictable routine is key to helping kids succeed. Routines involve getting up in the morning, getting dressed, eating meals and snacks, helping out at home, personal hygiene, taking medication for chronic conditions, getting ready for bed, and sleeping. Kids who live in homes that don’t have predictable routines often have a hard time making transitions from one activity to the next, taking care of themselves, and following the signals their bodies give them.
  
  
• Model a lifestyle that has a predictable routine. What’s your morning routine? How often do you sit down for a meal? How many hours of sleep do you usually get? What are your kids learning from you?
  


• Although routines are better if they’re predictable, also work to make them fun and creative. Have family members occasionally sit in a different place at the dinner table. Stick a note saying you’re thinking of your child in his or her lunchbox. When you’re doing a family chore together, occasionally take a break to dance to a fun song.
  


• If you have joint custody, talk with your ex about daily routines for your kids. Try to create predictable routines that you both can agree on.
  
  
• Whenever you (or your child) move from time off back to a regular routine, try easing back into it slowly. For example, start getting up 30 minutes earlier every day until you’re back at your usual schedule. It’s often easier to get up earlier than to try to go to bed when you’re not tired.
  
  
• Encourage your child to help other family members with their daily routines, such as reading a book aloud to a sibling, calling a grandparent to wish him or her goodnight, or walking the dog.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Respond immediately to infants’ cries and meet their needs. By the time infants are three months old, many have established a daily rhythm. Sleeping through the night is one of the first boundaries you can set once children are physically able to do so.
  
  
• Have your children participate in meaningful ways during regular routines. They can put out napkins and cups at dinner time, help pick up toys before you vacuum the floor, and choose books for bedtime reading.
  


• As children get older, expect them to balk at daily routines. Some will refuse to eat during meals. Others will resist taking a bath. Try creative ideas to entice them to do these activities, such as getting down on the floor on all fours and having your child ride you like a camel to the bathtub.
  
  
• If your child attends a child-care center or preschool, ask for a copy of the daily schedule. On weekends, try to follow it so your child knows when it’s naptime, lunchtime, and playtime.
  
  
• Read aloud a picture book to your child every night before bed.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Don’t be surprised if children find the daily school routine exhausting at first. Many come home the first week—and even the first month—needing a nap. Let them incorporate a nap into their daily routine if they need to.
  
  
• Continue talking about healthy eating habits during meals. As children get older, they often crave foods that are unhealthy. Set limits on unhealthy foods and don’t keep many in the house.
  


• Even when your child starts to read, continue reading a book (or a chapter of a book) before bed. Give your child a choice: you read, he or she reads, or the two of you take turns.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids at this age start to resist many (if not all) aspects of daily routines. Be patient when they push the boundaries, but continue to be firm about why routines are important. For example say, “Getting a good night’s sleep helps you be more alert during the day.” “Getting exercise makes you healthy.” “Flossing your teeth helps prevent cavities.”
  
  
• Be open about new hygiene routines that your child needs to adopt as he or she grows, such as using deodorant, shaving, brushing and flossing in new ways with braces, wearing headgears and retainers, and so on.
  
  
• At this age, kids tend to push the boundaries with sleepovers. Don’t be surprised if they stay up all night. Be clear about what they can and cannot do during these sleepovers (such as staying in the house, not making noise to wake up others, and not calling friends after a certain time).
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• A number of teenagers easily get sick and some come down with mononucleosis because they get overly tired. If your teenager chronically goes to bed late, try these tips (from ParentingTeensOnline):
  
  
  • Tell them there's a new policy in the house on bedtime and wake time
  • Give them a week or so leeway to adjust to it
  • Don't immediately drive them to school when they miss the bus
  • Take away other privileges, like cell phones or Internet access if they refuse or won't comply
  • Offer an incentive for consistently on-time behavior.
  
  
• Learn to let go. Older teenagers are becoming more independent, and they’ll make choices about eating, sleeping, and how they spend their time. Talk about any concerns you have, but let them make their own choices. If their choices affect you, be clear about that. You can’t make a teenager eat with you or go to bed at a certain time, but you can say that it’s important that the only noise going on during meals is at the family table and that your home needs to be quiet for those sleeping between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. (or whatever time you set).
  
  
• Monitor your teen’s health and encourage good health habits, such as eating right, having down time, and exercising. Although many teens throw out good health habits, keep modeling good health habits yourself. Invite your teenager to try new foods (or eat more fruits and vegetables). Encourage your teenager to join you for a family walk (or workout). Talk about why a regular routine helps individuals be at their best.

* Suggestions from Youth Community Connections: Minnesota Partners for Healthy Youth Development, www.youthcommunityconnections.org.