Teaching Kids How to Stay Safe

“The door to safety swings on the hinges of common sense.”—Anonymous

It’s tempting to teach kids safety with one phrase: Watch out for stranger danger. Yet, according to the Mayo Clinic, strangers commit only 15 percent of kidnappings. Plus, you want your kid to protect themselves in many ways, not just from kidnappers. Although the world can sometimes seem scary, you can teach your kids how to protect themselves. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• When teaching kids how to protect themselves, don’t frighten them. Don’t tell them about terrifying news, frightening stories, and scary statistics. Instead, build their confidence by building their skills.
  
  
• Build the 40 Developmental Assets in your kids. According to the Jacob Wetterling Foundation, “Adults can protect their children from victimization by giving them positive identities and values, appropriate boundaries and expectations, and the support they need to flourish.” These are all categories of Developmental Assets.
  
  
• Teach kids to pay attention to what scares them. Gavin de Becker, the author of The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence suggests that we pay attention to when our hearts race, when we get nagging feelings, and when we hesitate. These all could signal that something is wrong and we need to pay attention.
  
  
• If you’re divorced and have a contentious relationship with your ex, your ex could be the biggest threat to your child. Keep tabs on your ex. Be clear at school, child care, and other places where your child goes if your ex is not supposed to pick up or visit your child.
  
  
• Monitor your children regularly. While you teach kids skills on how to protect themselves, they still need caring adults who know where they are going, who they are with, and what they are doing. This includes when kids are at home and surfing the Internet or they’re quiet behind closed doors. Yes, kids need their privacy, but as a parent, you should have a good idea of what they’re up to.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Monitor young children at all times. They need constant supervision. Young children can easily wander off (or disappear) within moments.
  
  
• If you need a break from parenting, find a caring, responsible adult (or teenager) who can play with and supervise your young child well. The early-childhood years can be hard on parents because of the constant supervision and care, so give yourself breaks to be at your best when you are with your kids.
  


• Create a warm, loving, safe home so that your child is relaxed most of the time. The kids who have a hard time discerning between threatening people and nonthreatening people tend to be the kids who grow up in chaos and stress.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Be clear who your child should and should not talk to during times away from home. For example, if your child rides the bus, teach your child to take the right bus and to walk straight to school (or straight home) afterward. For young children, it helps if you (or another adult) can wait with your child at the bus stop before school (and meet your child after school).
  
  
• Encourage your child to play with or near other children when they’re outside or away from home. Explain that kids are safer in groups than when they’re alone.
  
  
• With your child, locate the McGruff safe houses in your neighborhood. (They have a sign in the front window or door with a picture of the McGruff dog.) Say that if your child ever feels uncomfortable and cannot find you, it’s best to go to a McGruff house. If you haven’t met this neighbor, do so before you need it. Visit the McGruff Web site for more tips about McGruff houses.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Be clear that your child is not to make arrangements or meet anyone in person that they discovered through the Internet. This is the area that concerns experts the most since kids at this age often don’t talk as much with their parents and become curious about people online.
  
  
• Continue getting to know the friends of your child—and also the parents of your child’s friends. Some kids find new friends at this age, and since they’re more independent, it’s easy not to know most of their friends.
  
  
• As your child becomes older, be more frank about your safety concerns (but don’t overdo it, or your child may dismiss you). Be factual and non-emotional when you state your concerns, such as saying, “I hear that some kids are drinking alcohol at parties and then having sex because they get caught up in the moment. I’m worried that this could happen to you.”
  
  
• Give your child an easy way to say no to uncomfortable situations. If they have a hard time being honest or standing up for themselves (which can happen during the self-conscious teen years), give them options, such as “I have to go home now” or “I feel sick” or “My mother would kill me.” Then make sure you can pick your child up right away (or know another trusted adult who can) if your child calls, asking for help.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue talking about the safety issues that affect older teenagers and adults. For example, once kids get their driver’s license, many don’t realize how many accidents occur after dark and with a lot of teenagers in the car. Visit TeenDriving.com for driving safety tips.
  
  
• If one of your teenager’s classmates is in an accident or dies, attend school events or visit the hospital of the injured teen. Even though these are difficult situations, don’t insulate your teenager from them. They shape everyone’s attitudes and actions.
  
  
• Kids at this age often feel invincible and dismiss their “old fogy” parents’ safety concerns. Notice when your teenager takes precautions and say how much you appreciate your teen making smart choices. Try to give more positive feedback than negative feedback—it is the best way to get through to kids this age.
  

Motivating Your Kids to Do Their Best

“Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.”—Winston Churchill, former British prime minister

You want your kids to do their best. But what is their best? How do you know if your kids are living up to their full potential? Consider these ideas.

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For all parents

• Notice how much your child is self-motivated. Some kids seem to know what they want and go after it. Others seem to dillydally a lot. Every child has a different amount of self-motivation.
  


• Kids are motivated to do their best when they enjoy what they’re doing—and whom they’re with. That’s why one child can have a great year in math one year and a not-so-great year the next. Teachers change. Circumstances change. A lot affects a child’s motivation. Pay attention to what increases your child’s motivation—and what squelches it.
  
  
• Find out what your kids love to do. They’re more likely to be motivated to do things they truly enjoy. Keep introducing them to new activities so that they can discover new things that excite them.
  
  
• True motivation comes from finding the ideal point of being challenged. When kids are overly challenged, they may give up because the expectations are too high. If they’re not challenged enough, they may become bored. Try to find the right balance for your child.
  
  
• Be aware of the difference between extrinsic motivation (being motivated by others with rewards and bribes) and intrinsic motivation (being motivated internally to do something). Although it’s okay to try to motivate kids from time to time with rewards, try to get in touch with what makes your child motivated from the inside and focus on that motivation.
  
  
• Look for fun ways to spice up activities that your child doesn’t enjoy, such as certain chores or doing homework for least-favorite subjects. For example, play music and dance while you dust. Or let your child sit with a favorite stuffed animal while doing homework.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Create a structured day that includes reading aloud picture books, playing outside, doing art, nap time, snack time, making music, and playing with stimulating, age-appropriate toys. Notice which activities excite your young child and build on those.
  
  
• A key point for this age group is to give kids stimulating activities that encourage their curiosity—rather than kills it. Kindergarten teachers say they can always tell which kids have had their curiosity nurtured when they arrive at school the first day. These are the kids who have had parents who take them to interesting places (zoos, children’s museums, the library, the playground, the grocery store) and also have provided interesting, stimulating activities, such as reading aloud, going for walks and identifying colors, and building towers out of blocks.
  


• Motivate your child’s curiosity by not pushing or forcing your child to learn. Eliminate the flash cards and memorization activities. Instead, focus on the things that fascinate your child, such as befriending ants outside or having tea parties for stuffed animals.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Closely monitor your child’s activity and motivation levels at the start of school years. Starting school can be physically exhausting for young children. Make sure they get the rest they need in order to do well at school. Visit Education World.com for tips for healthful sleep.
  
  
• Young children are still highly relational. They tend to be motivated to do well when they adore the adults they’re with. Connect them with trusted, competent adults who care about them.
  


• Kids notice what motivates you. Talk about and include your kids in your passions, such as gardening, woodworking, scrapbooking, or hiking.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Monitor your child’s motivation. Many kids go through phases when they don’t want to do the things they used to love to do. Some can become disinterested in school (or certain subjects). Talk about how important it is to keep going. For more ideas, see Parenting Preteens with a Purpose by Kate Thomsen.
  
  
• Notice the new interests that get your kids excited. Sometimes it’s giggling about the opposite sex, reading comic books, or fashion. Kids at this age are highly aware of which social groups they fit into and don’t fit into, and so many are motivated to look—and act—a certain way.
  
  
• Many kids become motivated by how they feel during this age. Model and talk about how important it is to do certain activities (such as completing homework and helping out with chores) no matter how you feel.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Keep tabs on how competition is affecting your teenager’s motivation. For some teenagers, competition motivates them more. For others, competition paralyzes them. Give suggestions on how to handle competition well.
  
  
• Talk with your teenager about how to balance highly motivational activities with ones that are important but less interesting to do. Explain how adults constantly find ways to take responsibility yet also follow their interests and passions.
  
  
• Most teenagers (and adults) want to change something (such as losing weight, exercising more, or improving their performance at work or school). But change is hard. Point out how small steps matter. A helpful resource is One Small Step Can Change Your Life by Robert Maurer.
  

The State of Your Family

“To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order. To put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order. To put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.”—Confucius, Chinese philosopher

At the beginning of each year, the president of the United States gives a State of the Union address to Congress, outlining his hopes and plans for the year. Take some time to sit down and discuss the “state of your family” and see what hopes and dreams everyone has.

For all parents

• Make this a democratic process and give everyone in the family a say. If your family isn’t used to this, you might be surprised at what your kids have to say. Listen to them.
  
  
• Take stock of where your family is and where you’d like it to be. Encourage family members to be open and honest about what they see as your family’s strengths and weaknesses.
  
  
• Think about two or three things you enjoy about your family and be ready to name them. As a parent, you may need to model this at first (if your kids aren’t used to it). For tips on effective family meetings, visit The Family Education Center.
  
  
• If discussions become difficult, make sure you keep them away from mealtimes. Stress can kill people’s appetites, and stressful meals usually drive people away from wanting to eat together. Keep mealtimes calm and fun. Deal with the hard stuff at other times.
  


• Sometimes kids say their family is boring and doesn’t do anything. If any of your kids have “big dreams” that cost “big bucks” (such as wanting your family to go on an overseas vacation), be honest about your family budget. Look at ways to save and creative ways to respond. For example, maybe you can’t afford to fly to China, but your family could attend the Chinese New Year celebration in your city. Expanding your family’s experience of other cultures is always a good activity to elevate the state of your family.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Create regular family times to play and be together. When you’re together, ask your child: “What would make family time more fun?” Keep questions short and easy to answer.
  
  
• If you have a parenting partner, talk about the current state of your family and what your hopes and needs are. Parenting young children can be intense and time-consuming, so be clear about your needs. If you’re a single parent, see if you can team up with another single parent to form a mutual support system for each other.
  
  
• Focus more on the state of your family rather than the state of your home. With young children in the house, it’s often difficult to maintain a well kept up home. Occasionally let the dishes sit in the sink to get down on the floor to play with your child.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Since children think concretely, you can make the “state of your family” day the same day as the “state of the union” address. Decorate your table with red, white, and blue ribbons. Talk about who the president is. Ask your kids: If you could be president of our family, what would you want to do?
  


• Your family will run much smoother if everyone pitches in with chores. Set aside time for clean-up where everyone picks up their things and puts them away. You also can have a family chore time once a week where family members work together to complete chores.
  
  
• Make time for family fun. With our busy lifestyles, it’s easy for everyone to be going in different directions and for life to get overly scheduled. Inflate a balloon and see how many times family members can bat it without the balloon falling to the ground.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Set up a time for a family meeting and talk about what kids hope for in the year to come. Most kids tend to think only of vacations, but encourage them to think broader, such as: Are there any recreational activities you’d like to try? Is there a restaurant that you’ve heard of that’s good?
  
  
• Encourage kids to invite a friend for family activities. They’re more likely to participate if they have a friend with them.
  
  
• Together learn more about the State of the Union and its purpose by reading about it on Wikipedia.
  
  
• Try to talk to your kids about the state of your family when they’re in a good mood. If kids are feeling down or having a bad day, you’ll only get negative feedback.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Make your home inviting to older teenagers. Keep snacks and beverages on hand that they enjoy. Say hello to your teen’s friends when they come through the door. Even though you may not see your teenager a whole lot, they’re more likely to bring their friends home with them if they view your house as a good place to be.
  
  
• Create enjoyable family time when you’re more apt to all be together, such as during the holidays, visiting colleges, and so on.
  
  
• Talk about the state of your family when you’re all together. Sometimes it’s tempting to do this without your older teenagers because they often are busy and not home much. So be spontaneous and call the family together to talk when they are home.
  
  
• Consider watching the State of the Union with your older teenager. Ask what she thinks is impressive, impossible, or interesting. Ask your teenager what she would say about the state of your family for the coming year.
  

Me, Me, Me: When Kids Think Only of Themselves

“When we are happy, we are less self-focused. We like others more, and we want to share our good fortune, even with strangers.”—Martin Seligman, American researcher

Kids are self-absorbed. It’s part of their development. At times, they need to focus on themselves to grow up well. Yet, as parents, we can continue to help them be aware of, be sensitive to, and help the people around them. This is easier to do at certain ages than others, but all kids benefit when they develop a healthy sense of themselves while also developing a healthy sense of caring for others.

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For all parents

• Remember that you are not alone. Almost all parents complain about their kids being self-absorbed. This occurs most intensely when kids are young (during the toddler and preschool years) and then again in the early teenage years.
  
  
• Support your kids. Encourage your kids. Be proud of your kids. Help them grow up well as individuals, but also nurture their caring for others. As a family, do simple family service projects. Bake cookies for a sick friend. Help an elderly person with yard work or errands. For family service ideas, see the free MVParents newsletter, Family Volunteering.
  


• Set age-appropriate boundaries for your kids. Kids who grow up self-absorbed have been handed everything and not expected to follow boundaries.
  
  
• Notice and acknowledge your child’s positive behavior whenever you see him acting in caring ways toward other people and animals.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Teach children to share from an early age, even though sharing is a difficult concept for young children to learn. Keep teaching them about sharing, and they will gradually learn it.
  
  
• Keep a healthy balance of your child having her own things and also sharing. For example, if you invite a child over to play at your home, ask your child to put away her favorite toys that she doesn’t want to share. Explain how everything else is meant to be shared while the child visits.
  


• Meet your child’s needs. If your child cries, attend to him immediately. Keep your child fed, rested, and stimulated. The better your child is cared for as a young child, the more likely he will develop a strong sense of self and become a caring individual.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Kids can become selfish when they feel threatened or scared. Instead of coming down hard on your kids when they act this way, ask questions to see if something else might be going on.
  
  
• Continue to value, listen, and respect your child. Nurture her identity. You cannot become a caring individual if you don’t feel cared for.
  
  
• Keep in touch with grandparents, neighbors, and extended family members. When you bring your kids with you to be with other people, they see you caring for others, and they learn to be interested in others.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your former caring child becomes a self-absorbed teenager. This often happens, and it happens to a lot of kids. Give your child some space to develop, but continue to emphasize how important it is to help and care for others.
  
  
• Kids at this age often love to help others through projects. Have the budding artists create cards to send to homebound or sick people. Have those who enjoy cooking bake something for a widow. Also see if a local congregation has service projects that your kids can do with their friends.
  
  
• Be sensitive toward your self-conscious, self-absorbed teenager. Many have fragile identities. Even though they may push you away, they still want your support and care.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Because of the sometimes fierce competition in high school, some older teenagers can become wrapped up in their own worlds in order to succeed. Monitor their stress and competition levels. Encourage them to have a healthy social life in addition to having a healthy academic life.
  
  
• Older teenagers often take great pride in doing more extensive, challenging service projects. Some go to weeklong service camps in other states—or other countries. Or see if your teen would be interested in building houses with Habitat for Humanity. Visit their Web site to find a local chapter.
  
  
• Continue to do your part in modeling caring. Volunteer at your teen’s school—or in an organization or your community. Talk about why you volunteer and why you enjoy it. Even if your teenager doesn’t do much volunteering now, he will remember what you did.
  

Dealing with the Post-Holiday Letdown

“The pleasure of expecting enjoyment is often greater than that of obtaining it, and the completion of almost every wish is found a disappointment.”—Samuel Johnson, English poet

The holidays are over. A lot of time, energy, and money went into the holidays, and now it’s time to get back to the routine of everyday life. For some people, that’s a welcome relief. Yet, for many parents and their kids, the days after the holidays are over can stir some disappointing feelings. Here’s how to deal with the letdown.

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For all parents

• Debrief the holidays as a family. Talk about how to make them better for next year. Discuss questions such as these: Which traditions do you wish to keep? Why? Which are boring? What else would you enjoy doing?
  
  
• Talk about what you each enjoyed most during the holidays. Discuss how having the holidays come to an end can feel disappointing or sad.
  
  
• Figure out ways to include the best parts of the holidays into your everyday life. For example, if your family enjoys entertaining, find an event to invite people over for dinner, such as a Super Bowl party or a Martin Luther King Jr. birthday party where everyone talks about their dreams for themselves, their families, and their country.
  


• Take the time to thank the individuals who gave you gifts during the holidays—or who brightened your holidays in some way. Teach your children to write thank-you notes and to show their appreciation.
  
  
• Use the holidays as a chance to do a family service project together. Often, we feel more let down when we make ourselves the focus of the holidays, rather than others.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Young children may have a hard time getting back into their daily routine, particularly if the holidays were exciting to them. Be consistent in getting kids back into a daily routine, but be creative to entice kids to follow their routines, such as helping you buy groceries in a fun way.
  
  
• Hire a sitter or ask a friend to play with your child if you have a lot of post-holiday activities, such as taking down holiday decorations, going through holiday cards and letters, or putting away holiday dishes.
  
  
• If your child gets upset about you packing up something from the holidays (such as a holiday picture book or a stuffed animal), consider keeping it out and asking your child to take good care of it until the next holiday arrives.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Children can have a hard time letting the holidays go if they want to spend more time at home doing fun things. Make going back to school special by placing a note or drawing in your child’s lunchbox—or sewing a red felt heart inside the flap of his jacket to remind him that you’re thinking of him.
  
  
• Play games with your kids. For new game ideas, check out Great Group Games.
  
  
• Create a “favorite things” collage with your child. Have her include photos of people she loves and activities she loves to do. See if there’s a favorite holiday activity that she also wishes to include.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids can get disillusioned from the holidays, particularly if they start counting how many days until their birthday—or the next holiday in order to receive more gifts. Encourage them to enjoy the gifts they did receive and not to think so much about what they don’t have.
  
  
• Be patient and calm when kids at this age poke fun at holiday traditions and activities—or talk about how happy they are that the holidays are over. Allow kids to have their own opinions, but watch out for any button pushing they may be doing to try to upset you.
  
  
• Monitor kids closely if one of their favorite relatives died during the year, and this was the first holiday without that person. Kids can form deep bonds with extended family members, and they may be grieving.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Ask your teenager about his opinions about the holidays. You might be surprised by what he was touched by—and what bothered him. Teens often make insightful comments about the ways family members act around the holidays, noting who gets stressed, who goes overboard, and who is stingy.
  
  
• If your teenager dreads going back to school after the holidays, this may say more about the schoolwork than the holidays. For many teenagers, the semester ends in mid- to late January, so going back to school often means a lot of tests and papers. Be sensitive to their stresses.
  


• Even though the holidays are over, look for inexpensive, fun ways to connect as a family, such as renting a funny movie and eating popcorn together, going out for hot chocolate, or going for a snowy walk under a full moon.
  

Discipline: When You Don’t Know What to Do

“Without discipline, there’s no life at all.”—Katharine Hepburn, American actress

You want your child to act one way. Your child acts the opposite way. You say something, and your child doesn’t listen. You try a different approach, and that doesn’t work either. Try these ideas when you’re stumped about how to discipline your child in ways that work.

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For all parents

• Approach discipline as a way of teaching your child, rather than punishing your child. Your kids will be more open to learning and changing their ways if they don’t feel threatened, shamed, or punished.
  
  
• Talk with other parents about your experience. Some ages are more difficult to discipline (such as toddlers, preschoolers, and certain ages of teenagers). If you’re stumped with disciplining your oldest child, seek out advice from parents with older kids. They often have perspectives and suggestions that are helpful.
  


• Team up with neighbors, teachers, extended family members, and friends to give kids consistent messages about boundaries and also in reinforcing those boundaries. You’ll have a much easier time convincing your child to act in a certain way if most people are backing you up and giving the same message.
  
  
• Try to keep money out of your discipline methods. For example, don’t give kids money to entice them to do something, and don’t cut their allowance for misbehavior. If your child hits his brother, discipline him by having him do his brother’s chore for the day (or the week).
  
  
• In today’s society, many parents have a hard time telling their kids no. Yet, kids of all ages need to know what to expect, how to act, and how not to act. (And their development will be a smoother process if they have a good balance of support and boundaries from their parents.) For more ideas, read the book No: Why Kids—Of All Ages—Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh, Ph.D..
  


• It is absolutely critical that you follow through with the consequences that you’ve laid out for your child. Giving in or letting kids talk you out of a consequence only creates problems later on for two reasons. First, your child won’t think boundaries are important later on. Second, this undermines your role and credibility as a parent. This isn’t to say there isn’t wiggle room. No rule is ironclad; however, make sure you change consequences only under considerable circumstances.

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Child development experts say the most effective discipline technique for infants is distraction. Children under the age of 12 months of age do not have the cognitive development to choose “wrong” behavior. Thus, scolding, yelling, and punishing infants at this age will do nothing but frustrate you and your child. Instead, try to distract your child from whatever he or she is doing. Remove the item with which your child is playing or pick up your child and move her to a different spot. Do anything to get your child interested in something else.
  
  
• Young children need consistency in their lives in order to develop well, such as toilet training and eating healthy foods. Create predictable, consistent schedules. When your child resists, get creative—for example, become a taxi and give your child a ride on your back to the bathtub.
  
  
• To raise young children well, respond immediately to infants’ cries. Until children reach the age of 6 to 10 months, they are not able to make associations between their behaviors and the actions of others. That’s why it’s important to establish a sense of trust in your infant by responding sensitively to your child’s changing needs. Kids thrive best when they have a balance of support and consistent, predictable boundaries.
  
  
• Disciplining 2- to 5-year-olds is much more than trying to coerce or bribe them to do the right thing. It’s about teaching kids which behaviors are right and wrong—and why those behaviors are that way. This requires negotiating with children, pointing out why a behavior is wrong, alerting your child to the consequences of her behavior, and talking specifically about what’s right and wrong so that kids begin to internalize these messages. Ideally you want kids to internalize what’s right and wrong rather than just comply with authority.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Kids at this age become much more interested in electronics, such as video games, computer games, and TV shows. Place boundaries around how much time they spend on these “screen” activities, and make sure they’re also getting physical activity that they enjoy.
  
  
• Children at this age begin to notice the difference between what you say and what you do (if there’s any inconsistency). Instead of becoming defensive, admit when you’ve made a mistake. Set a good example, and then talk about how both kids and adults need to follow boundaries.
  
  
• If you find yourself stuck with how to deal with a specific behavior, consult a school counselor or school social worker. (They provide this service for free, and they often have lots of good tips.) Plus, they know that kids are more likely to do well in school if they have good behavior at home and at school. If you fear that this will create a “school record” on your child’s behavior, seek out help from a parent educator through your community education program.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your house becomes a high-tension zone. Kids at this age often question and resist most things you suggest. This is important for their development, but don’t let them by with everything. Choose which boundaries are most important, and be consistent with those. For example, you might need to let your child wear green hair as long as your child does well in school and doesn’t get into trouble.
  
  
• Find other caring, trusted adults for your child to connect to and spend time with. Whenever you’re stumped about what they’re doing, call this person and explain how you’re at your wit’s end. Ask if he can take your child out for ice cream or a soda and spend some time together. Afterward, ask this adult for tips on how to connect with your child.
  
  
• Know when to ground your child—and when not to. For more ideas, check out the online article Grounded! How to Make Discipline Work.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue to talk with your teenager about what you expect in terms of behavior, but have more conversations about values. Explain why you want your kids to act a certain way. For example, “I know you’re dating, but I think it’s better not to have sexual intercourse as a teenager. I waited until I was married, and I’m glad I waited. You develop deep bonds with someone you’ve had sex with, and I believe that’s important to have with one lifelong partner.” See what your teenager has to say. Encourage your teenager to express his or her values and then go from there.
  
  
• Use current and school events to bring up tough topics, such as drinking and driving, weapon use, pregnancy, drug use, and so on. You can always find an example on the news (and sometimes in your school or community) of people behaving badly. Sometimes it’s easier to talk about tough topics and your views on behavior when it’s someone you don’t know.
  
  
• As your teenager gets older, talk about how she needs to be the “captain of herself.” That means that when your child moves out or goes to college, you won’t be there to remind her about certain things. During the older teenage years, gradually back off (and be clear to your teen about consequences) so that by the time your teen is a senior, she is more in charge of her life while also respecting others in your household. You don’t want your teen to feel too constrained before moving out, because too many of these kids often “go wild” without parents around.
  
  
• Expect older teenagers to make mistakes. This is part of growing up. Be firm, but also be empathetic. Show them the way to make things right.
  
  
• Don’t get overly angry with your teenager for misbehavior (provided that you have set appropriate expectations for behavior). That way when your teenager misbehaves, all you have to say is, “You knew what the rules were and what the consequences would be.” Convey that the consequences are a result of your teen’s behavior. This helps teenagers understand that they are ultimately accountable for their actions.
  

When You’re Too Tired to Deal with Your Kids

“Tired minds don’t plan well. Sleep first, plan later.”—Walter Reisch and Charles Brackett, American writers

It’s a too-common parenting myth: you think once your infant starts sleeping through the night, you’ll be less exhausted. But the truth is, parenting has many moments that tax your system, cause you to lose sleep, and place demands on you that make you tired. Plus, when you add in your work, volunteerism, keeping up a home, and dealing with friends and family, you can often find yourself doing more than you should. So what can you do when you’re too tired to deal with your kids? Try these ideas.

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For all parents

• Pace yourself. Parenting is not a race. Think of it as a run that lasts forever. While it’s true that active parenting is most intense while your children are living at home, you’ll still find yourself parenting your adult children, depending on the choices they make after they move out.
  
  
• Take care of yourself. Figure out creative ways to get rest and to rejuvenate yourself. Some parents take short naps during the movie when they take their kids to the movie theater. Others cut back on their activities so they have a little down time (which often isn’t easy to find when you’re a parent).
  
  
• Know that you’re not alone. Many parents feel tired because of our society’s unrealistic expectations. Too many parents are working long hours, working more than one job, or being single parents who are trying to juggle everything.
  
  
• Talk with other parents. Learn how they get rest. See if you can trade off so that one parent is with the kids of two or three families while the other parents rest or take a break. This is especially helpful for single parents who often feel they don’t have any breaks at all.
  
  
• Make sure your child is sleeping well, otherwise you won’t be sleeping well. For ideas on how to help your child sleep through the night, read The Sleep Book for Tired Parents by Becky Huntley.
  
  
• When you’re overly tired, you will not parent well. Your temper may flare easily. Your thinking may be muddled. If you’re exhausted and your child is pushing your buttons, say you need a time out. (Kids are often surprised when their parents give themselves a time out.) Explain that once you’ve gotten some rest and perspective, you can deal with the situation that your child has brought to you.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Whether you’re a parent who works outside of the home or you’re a stay-at-home parent, you’re going to get tired. If possible, take naps when your children nap, and remember, it’s okay to leave dirty dishes in the sink or let some housework go. Put yourself first and get some rest when you can.
  
  
• Once your children outgrow naps, continue to have a daily “quiet time” if your child is at home with you, or at the child care center if you work. Turn out the lights. Allow children to have a flashlight and use their “whisper voices” and allow them to do quiet activities, such as looking at picture books or playing very quietly. While your children have a quiet time, you can do the same. Consider meditating or taking a short nap.
  


• Find someone you can trust to give you occasional breaks. Maybe a grandparent or an uncle will spend time with your child while you rest or catch up on things. Or maybe you can get a referral from a friend about a great baby-sitter who loves kids.
  


• Young children are notorious for waking up earlier than their parents want them to. Consider getting your child a digital clock to place near your child’s bed. Write the appropriate wake-up time on a piece of paper and post it near the clock. Your children don’t need to be able to tell time, but they can practice matching the numbers. Explain that if they wake up before the numbers on the clock match the numbers on the paper, they can play quietly in their room. Then when the numbers match, they can wake you up.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Although children at this age still need supervision, you can take a 15- to 20-minute nap while they’re in the house during the day. Lock all the doors and be clear that your children are not to answer the door or go outside. Explain that you need some quiet, rest time. At first, your kids may interrupt you, but if you continue doing this on a regular basis, they’ll quickly catch on and respect your wishes to take a break.
  
  
• Encourage extended family members (and family friends you trust) to spend time with your children. Not only is this great for your kids, but it’s also important for you to have a much-needed break. When your kids are away, put yourself first. Nap. Take a walk. Then look at your to-do list.
  
  
• Don’t be surprised if your children send you into a short-term sleep deprivation period when they get sick, have a series of nightmares, or hit a stressful period in their lives when they can’t sleep. They will wake you up, and it’s important to care for them in the middle of the night.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Sleepovers often become “stay-up-all-night” events for this age group. Be firm about rules regarding leaving the house and quiet times. If they are noisy and cause you to lose sleep, take away their sleepover privileges for a while. Some parents even set a time limit for lights out (such as at midnight) and say that kids can continue to talk quietly with flashlights but can’t be roaming around the house after that time.
  
  
• As kids start to go through puberty, their sleep schedules tend to change. They become more nocturnal and can sleep until noon (or later). When this starts to happen, emphasize how your child needs to respect the other sleep habits of other family members. Many parents have to get up early to go to work (or do other activities), and they need a good night’s sleep—as does everyone else in the house.
  
  
• Since this is a time when many kids question authority that can create a lot of tension in your home, which can also make you tired. Find ways to care for yourself so that your nerves aren’t always shot. Take a hot bath. Shoot some hoops. Work out at the gym. Go for walks. Do yard work to relax. Read funny novels. Do what you can to take care of yourself.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• As teenagers become more independent, you may find yourself having trouble sleeping, particularly if they’re out late (and driving your car) or are on a date (and you’re wondering what they’re doing). Talk with other parents about how they handle the stress and worry of parenting older teenagers. You’ll quickly discover you’re not alone.
  
  
• Model how to take care of yourself. Older teenagers often are testing to see how far they can push their bodies in regards to sleep, eating, activity, and so on. Talk about how it’s important to have downtime in addition to activity. Explain how you feel when you don’t get enough sleep. Then model a healthy, balanced lifestyle for your teenager to observe.
  
  
• Don’t be surprised if you discover your activity levels need to change as teenagers get older. Many parents find themselves overwhelmed when their teenagers become involved in a sports team, a musical group, or are considering college. (For tips on how to maneuver the exhausting college application process, read the article, Parent-to-Parent: Staying Sane During the College Application Process). Realize that you’ll have more time once your teenager leaves the house, so it’s okay to let go of some of your personal activities until later. Pacing is the key to parenting well.