Getting to Know Your Child’s Friends

“All kids need is a little help, a little hope, and somebody who believes in them.”—Earvin “Magic” Johnson, American professional basketball player

Who are your child’s friends? What do you know about them? Getting to know your child’s friends not only helps you know more about your child, but it also helps you become an asset builder for more kids. You don’t need much time. You don’t need any money. The little things you do to get to know your child’s friends can make a big difference in their lives. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• Learn the names of all of your child’s friends. You may even want to consider creating a notebook with the information (particularly if your child has a lot of friends). Some asset-building parents keep a notebook that not only lists their child’s friends but also the names of the parents (along with phone numbers, e-mail addresses, or an address). This information is particularly helpful as kids become teenagers because then you can more easily touch base with parents when kids are out and about.
  
  
• Make your home a welcoming place for your child’s friends. Greet them by name. Smile and make eye contact with them. (Even if it’s the only time you see them.) Consider having activities that make your home “the place” to be. Some parents have a video-game console. Others stock their cupboards with treats. Some parents enjoy hosting parties. Others like to do projects with kids. Still others put up a basketball hoop so that kids can play games together.
  


• When you attend games, concerts, and performances, congratulate your child first afterward but also make it a point to say hello to other kids.
  
  
• Learn how to start meaningful conversations with kids by downloading the free two-page Conversation Starters for Groups of Parents (under Grading Grown-Ups 2002) on Search Institute’s Web site.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• If your child is in preschool or a child-care center, spend a few minutes with your child and the other children around drop-off or pick-up times. Get down on the floor (or sit at their tables). Say hello to the other children.
  
  
• Smile at young children whenever you see them. Get to know the names of the children of your neighbors, extended family, and employees. Say hi to these children and call them by name whenever you see them.
  
  
• Read young children’s faces for cues about how to act around them. (Some are very shy, and others may have had a hard day.) Interact with young children in ways that make them draw closer to you. Change what you’re doing if young children pull away or frown.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Find out the names of children your child meets at school. Invite one child over to your home at a time. At first, have activities planned during the playtime (in case the children discover that they don’t know what to do or find themselves squabbling). As children get older, they often become more independent in their play.
  


• Attend school events whenever possible. Ask your child to introduce you to their friends. Spend a few moments asking their friends questions such as: What do you love to play? What’s your favorite sport? What’s your favorite book?
  


• Consider creating birthday parties that help kids get to know each other—and also help you get to know them. Plan some get-to-know-you games, like games from the book Great Group Games.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• At this age, your kids may not like to spend much family time, so ask them to invite a friend to family activities and family getaways. This often makes family reunions and family activities more appealing.
  
  
• During the spring or summer, have your child and his or her friends plant a vegetable, herb, or flower garden in your yard or in a community garden. Offer to help out along the way. (Kids at this age are often most interested in the beginning steps of planting and later steps of harvesting but not much in between.) Projects such as these help kids get to know each other (while you also get to know them) and also helps them feel proud of what they’ve accomplished.
  


• Monitor how your child reacts to you getting to know their friends. Some are okay with you getting to know their friends’ names, but they may not be too happy if you become overly friendly with them.
  
  
• If you don’t like one or more of your child’s friends, distinguish between your preferences and areas of concern. (We all have people we prefer to be with, and the same is true with our child’s friends.) If you are concerned about one of your child’s friends (because the friend cuts class or uses drugs), say that your preference is not to be friends with people who can get you into trouble, and you want your child to use the same guideline that you do.
  


• Friendships sometimes can shift during this age as children move up to different schools. Continue to get to know their friends as these friendships change and emerge.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue to greet your teenager’s friends and ask them how they are. Some will be quite talkative, so make time to listen to what they have to say.
  


• If you see one of your teenager’s friends when you’re shopping or out in the community, go out of your way to say hello. Many appreciate the connection, especially if you notice what they’re doing. (Many older teenagers work and enjoy seeing someone who knows them.)
  


• Create a relaxed, home environment so that teenagers enjoy coming to your home. Some parents stock the refrigerator with juices and soda pop. Others always have a fresh loaf of banana bread out. Teenagers love to eat, and they’re more likely to talk when they have something to eat.
  

School Buses: Creating Better, Safer Rides

“Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with a half of a dozen lions—everyone but a school bus driver.”—Dr. Laurence J. Peter, American educator

Many kids get to and from school by riding a school bus, and that journey can determine how your child’s day begins—and ends. A number of communities have made the bus ride an asset-building experience, and as a parent, you also can make the experience better and safer with these ideas.

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For all parents

• Tell your children that riding a school bus is a privilege, not a right. The way they act on the school bus is important. They need to respect the bus driver and other riders, and they also need to follow the rules to ensure a safe ride.
  
  
• Model and talk about school bus safety. When you see a school bus, follow the rules by not driving around a bus. Give children time to enter and disembark safely. Visit the Web site, The School Bus Rules, for tips on school bus rules for parents.
  
  
• Find out if your school district has a list of bus rules or a student-parent-bus contract for everyone to sign. When everyone knows the rules, it’s easier to follow them and expect others to follow them as well.
  
  
• Be aware that the bus ride is one of the primary places for teasing and bullying. Find out how the school deals with bullying prevention on the bus in terms of expectations for behavior, the consequences for violations, and the training and support bus drivers get. Tell your child that he should not feel intimidated on the bus, and to come to you if that happens.
  
  
• Know your child’s route to the bus stop. Practice walking it with your child before the first day of school so that your child knows it well.
  
  
• Get to know your child’s bus driver. Introduce yourself on the first day of school and ask the driver for her name. When you see the bus driver, greet her by name, smile, and say how much you appreciate the work she does.
  
  
• Celebrate National School Bus Safety Week in the third week of October each year. For more information, check out National Association for Pupil Transportation.
  
  
• If possible, try to have at least one adult in your neighborhood stationed at the bus stop while children wait. If there are a lot of working parents, see if you can take turns to ensure there’s an adult to keep an eye on kids at the bus stop.
  
  
• On the last day of school, go out of your way to thank the bus driver. If you feel it’s appropriate, have your child make a thank-you card to give to the driver.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Some preschools and child care centers now have pick-up vans and small buses for transportation. If this is the case for your child, be clear that your child needs to sit in his seat at all times when on the bus.
  
  
• If your child has never ridden a bus, consider taking an excursion together on a city bus or on some type of mass transit. Talk about how the bus (or subway) helps people to get where they are going just like a car does.
  


• Keep reminding children to sit down as the bus moves. Many hop up when they see something interesting outside the window and can easily fall as the bus moves or turns.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Show your child the danger zone of a bus (which is about 10 feet around the outside of the entire bus). Explain how most accidents happen in this danger zone, which is why it’s important to be especially careful in this area and to get out of the danger zone as quickly as possible.
  
  
• If your child is afraid to ride the bus at first, consider riding the bus with your child. Or set up a time to volunteer at the school and accompany your child on the bus.
  
  
• Explain that the bus driver is like a teacher. It’s important for your child to listen and do what the driver says.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids at this age can get a bit rowdy on the bus. Continue to emphasize that they shouldn’t create unsafe conditions by being too noisy or moving around.
  
  
• Encourage your child to get to know the bus driver. Talk about how it’s not easy to be a bus driver, and your child can make a bus driver’s day by saying hello to her.
  
  
• If your child needs to bring a bulky item to school (such as a school project or a tuba or a double bass), consider giving your child a ride. Taking large items on the bus is not easy, especially if the bus has a lot of kids (which most do now because of budget cuts).
  


• Some kids enjoy riding the bus home with a friend. If your child wants to do this, check with the school office about what you need to do to make this happen. Some teachers or schools require a permission slip from a parent.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Some teenagers (especially those with cars) make fun of other teenagers who have to ride the school bus. Be clear that this is not acceptable. Many teenagers need to ride a bus to get to school, and one type of transportation is not better than another. In fact, point out how bus riders don’t have to pay for gas, car maintenance, or car insurance.
  
  
• Find out if your school requires teenagers to ride a bus to certain off-campus events, such as a college fair, a school dance, or a state tournament. Find out when buses are to leave and when they will return so that you know what to expect.
  
  
• If your teenager’s bus also picks up younger children, encourage your teenager to be kind and helpful to the other riders. Encourage them to greet and get to know the younger children, since many are terrified to ride a bus with so many “big kids.”
  

Getting Your Child Excited about the Arts

“All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”—Pablo Picasso, Spanish painter

Kids often line up in one or two camps when it comes to the arts: either they’re interested, or they’re not. Or, they think they’re either an artist or not. Yet all kids are artists, and art can be interesting—once your child discovers the type of art that excites him or her. Research from Developmental Assets: A Synthesis of the Scientific Research on Adolescent Development shows that kids who are involved in the arts tend to achieve more at school, have higher self-esteem, are more creative, and are more self-motivated. In essence, the arts are a key way to help your child succeed. Get your child more interested in the arts with these ideas.

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For all parents

• Incorporate art into your lifestyle. Even if you don’t consider yourself an artist, note how you have an eye for art. It may be through cooking, decorating, the clothes you wear, or in another activity. Art is much broader than just doing art projects.
  
  
• When you notice that something is beautiful or artistically pleasing, talk about. For example, maybe you like the architectural design of the community center, or the color combination of the school walls. Or a photograph, painting, or drawing captures your eye. Ask your child what he or she finds beautiful. To become more aware of everyday beauty, visit the blog – One Year of Beauty.
  
  
• Attend art showings at your child’s school, in your community, and in your congregation. Many coffee shops now display art, as do city and county halls, community centers, congregations, and local businesses. Many schools and communities are now recognizing local artists through art events and displays.
  
  
• Examine art from other cultures, such as madhubani folk art from India, pysanky eggs from the Ukraine, or West African masks. Try creating an art form from another culture—or one from your culture.
  
  
• Do art with your child. Even if it’s just finger-painting, coloring, or doing an art project, make art together. For art activities, visit Art Kids Rule!.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Make art part of your daily routine. Create opportunities for your child to paint. Draw. Color. Scribble. Create objects out of Play Dough^®.
  
  
• Check out a picture book with beautiful illustrations. Talk about the art you enjoy. Ask your child which pictures he or she likes.
  
  
• Visit children’s museums. Many of these are hands-on activity museums, but they expose children to art as well as activity.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• See if your child is interested in taking an art or craft class. Community centers and nature centers often offer one-time or short-term arts and crafts activities for kids.
  
  
• Post your child’s school art on your wall. Consider framing ones you especially like. You don’t need to invest much for a frame—many arts and crafts stores sell inexpensive frames that you can use over and over.
  
  
• Spend time together with the comics section of your Sunday newspaper. Ask your child which comics he or she likes best and why. Point out the different art styles. Consider having your child create a comic strip for fun.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• See if your child is interested in any of the manga or anime arts that are often popular with kids this age. (You can usually find them in the graphic novel section of your library of bookstore.) Some kids enjoy drawing this type of art, others enjoy trying to create costumes or hairstyles of the characters.
  
  
• If your child dislikes art, consider that it may be because he or she hasn’t discovered an art style that excites him or her. Many kids at this age enjoy cartooning or making jewelry. Keep introducing your child to different art styles.
  
  
• See what your child thinks of the technological arts, such as computer art, digital photography, videography, architectural drafting, or mechanical arts. Because many kids at this age enjoy technology, they may get interested in art through technological media.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• For a family outing, visit a museum and look at the art. Also watch for special art exhibits that come to town, such as those that feature a specific artist or art movement.
  
  
• If your teen enjoys art and is good at it, consider suggesting that he or she create an art exhibit for his or her senior year in high school. Or see if your teen is interested in selling art, or in submitting something to an art competition called Teen Ink Magazine. It is a publication devoted to publishing teen art and writing nationwide. For more information, visit Teen Ink and click on Magazine Edition.
  


• Fill your house with art, whether it’s inexpensive art that you find at garage sales or professional art. Having art in your home shows teenagers how much you value it.
  
  
• Build Developmental Assets by commissioning your teenager (and other kids) to create art for you to display in your home. Author Louise Erdrich says her father paid her a nickel for every story she wrote when she was a child, and she says this built her confidence in her ability to write and to get paid for it.
  

Creating an Ideal Homework Center

“Study from new books but from old teachers.”—Turkish proverb

Homework. Most kids complain about it, but kids who learn the skills to get their schoolwork done are much more likely to succeed in school. In Developmental Assets: A Synthesis of the Scientific Research on Adolescent Development, Search Institute research revealed that time spent on homework is associated with higher test scores, higher grades, improved scientific literacy, fewer behavior problems, and less marijuana use. You can help your child succeed by creating an ideal homework center in your home.

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For all parents

• With your child, locate a place in your home where your child can do homework each evening. This may be a desk, but it also may be the kitchen table.
  
  
• Together buy homework supplies. It’s better to have too many than not enough. (You don’t want a lack of pencils to become an excuse.) You don’t need to spend much money, but it’s helpful to have pencils, paper, a folder (or organizer to keep track of the homework), and erasers.
  


• If your child does not get a homework organizer from your school, create or buy one. Your child won’t be able to do homework if he or she doesn’t know what the assignments are. Getting organized and getting in the habit of tracking daily (and long-term) homework is a key skill to build in your child.
  


• What’s most important in your child doing homework well is not so much the amount he or she has, but how accurately homework is completed, the quality of homework your child has, and the thinking skills involved.
  
  
• Get more homework tips from the book How to Help Your Child with Homework by Jeanne Shay Schumm, Ph.D.
  
  
• Try to be present during your child’s homework times, especially when they’re younger. Sit next to them and offer to help them. Or if you have bills to pay, work you need to do from your job, or some other project, do it while your child is doing homework. Talk about how everyone has homework—even adults. Your modeling teaches your child a lot about the importance and value of homework.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Read aloud to your child every day—throughout the day. Although young children do not typically get “homework” (and developmentally, they shouldn’t), you can help keep them curious and learning by reading interesting picture books.
  
  
• Do something intellectually stimulating with your child every day. Go for a color walk where you look for specific colors, such as red, yellow, or blue. Bring in a snowball, or use an ice cube, and place it in a bowl for your child to see what happens as it melts. Visit a children’s museum.
  
  
• Remember to emphasize all parts of learning, not just memorization. Give kids time to practice cutting with child-size scissors, stringing large beads, drawing with crayons (or washable markers), jumping, running, and playing with other children. The kids who are most ready for kindergarten have been practicing all their skills: intellectual, social, emotional, and physical.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Attend back-to-school events and open houses at the beginning of the year to learn what teachers expect for homework. Getting on the same page with the teacher right away will help you know how to support your child in getting homework done.
  
  
• When your child does not have homework, have your child do a different type of learning so that he or she gets used to learning something extra every day. This can be as simple as reading a book or researching together on the Internet to learn why birds fly south for the winter, or trying a new element of art, such as drawing a portrait of your family pet. A helpful Web site for ideas is HomeworkSpot.
  


• Whenever you help your child with homework, be sure that your child is doing the homework (and you are not). Your role is to ask questions, give examples, and assist your child in learning concepts, not give them the answers.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• At this age, kids often throw out the homework skills they’ve mastered. Unfortunately, too many try to throw out homework all together. Be firm that homework still needs to be done. If your child wants to do homework in front of the TV while listening to an MP3 player, allow it as long as your child completes homework well and does well in school. If grades start to slip, set new rules where your child needs to focus more on homework and less on other distractions.
  


• Negotiate times for your child to do his or her homework. Some want a break after school. If so, set a time limit. You may also need to set limits on other things as well to ensure that your child is getting homework done—and done well.
  
  
• Keep in touch with teachers about your child’s progress in school. Many schools now have Internet portals where you can access your child’s grades, assignments, attendance, and tardies. If so, check this weekly (if your child is doing well) or daily (if your child starts to slip).
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• By this age, your teenager should have strong homework skills if you’ve been building them from an early age. However, some slip and others haven’t mastered certain skills. The biggest skill that many older teenagers often need is how to spread out long-term projects and how to study for major exams (such as the ACT, the SAT, AP and IB exams, and final exams). Pull out a calendar if your teen has trouble with this skill and have him or her break down these projects and test preparation into week-by-week (or day-by-day) chunks.
  
  
• Continue to offer your assistance for homework, but be clear about what you will and will not do. (Some parents end up pulling all nighters with their procrastinating teenager to help him or her get a project done.) One of the most helpful ways you can provide assistance is to proof papers and college essays. But work with your teenager to build in extra time for your feedback, in case you discover that the paper needs a heavy rewrite and not just a correction of a few typographical errors.
  


• Talk with high school counselors and teachers to create an academic schedule for your teenager from ninth to twelfth grade that challenges your teenager and deepens his or her skills. You want to keep your teenager growing (without boring or placing too much pressure on your teenager) so that he or she gradually masters skills to take the next step after high school.
  

Helping Kids Thrive on Routine

“My only secret is that I always bear in mind what my father said: Do the smallest things in daily routine with enthusiasm and sincerity.”—Nerrisa Ng, artist

Whenever kids have time off, such as during the summer or the holidays, it’s easy for them to get out of a regular routine. All of their habits—from sleeping to eating to taking care of themselves—get out of whack. But routines are important to help kids thrive. Kids do better when they eat healthy foods at regular intervals, get enough sleep, get some physical activity, and know what to expect from their days. Routines help to ground them and give them a sense of security. Here are some ideas to helping kids understand the importance of everyday routines.

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For all parents^*

• Talk about routines and why they’re important. For example, ask kids how they feel when they don’t get enough sleep: What happens the next day? Child and adolescent experts say that having a predictable routine is key to helping kids succeed. Routines involve getting up in the morning, getting dressed, eating meals and snacks, helping out at home, personal hygiene, taking medication for chronic conditions, getting ready for bed, and sleeping. Kids who live in homes that don’t have predictable routines often have a hard time making transitions from one activity to the next, taking care of themselves, and following the signals their bodies give them.
  
  
• Model a lifestyle that has a predictable routine. What’s your morning routine? How often do you sit down for a meal? How many hours of sleep do you usually get? What are your kids learning from you?
  


• Although routines are better if they’re predictable, also work to make them fun and creative. Have family members occasionally sit in a different place at the dinner table. Stick a note saying you’re thinking of your child in his or her lunchbox. When you’re doing a family chore together, occasionally take a break to dance to a fun song.
  


• If you have joint custody, talk with your ex about daily routines for your kids. Try to create predictable routines that you both can agree on.
  
  
• Whenever you (or your child) move from time off back to a regular routine, try easing back into it slowly. For example, start getting up 30 minutes earlier every day until you’re back at your usual schedule. It’s often easier to get up earlier than to try to go to bed when you’re not tired.
  
  
• Encourage your child to help other family members with their daily routines, such as reading a book aloud to a sibling, calling a grandparent to wish him or her goodnight, or walking the dog.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Respond immediately to infants’ cries and meet their needs. By the time infants are three months old, many have established a daily rhythm. Sleeping through the night is one of the first boundaries you can set once children are physically able to do so.
  
  
• Have your children participate in meaningful ways during regular routines. They can put out napkins and cups at dinner time, help pick up toys before you vacuum the floor, and choose books for bedtime reading.
  


• As children get older, expect them to balk at daily routines. Some will refuse to eat during meals. Others will resist taking a bath. Try creative ideas to entice them to do these activities, such as getting down on the floor on all fours and having your child ride you like a camel to the bathtub.
  
  
• If your child attends a child-care center or preschool, ask for a copy of the daily schedule. On weekends, try to follow it so your child knows when it’s naptime, lunchtime, and playtime.
  
  
• Read aloud a picture book to your child every night before bed.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Don’t be surprised if children find the daily school routine exhausting at first. Many come home the first week—and even the first month—needing a nap. Let them incorporate a nap into their daily routine if they need to.
  
  
• Continue talking about healthy eating habits during meals. As children get older, they often crave foods that are unhealthy. Set limits on unhealthy foods and don’t keep many in the house.
  


• Even when your child starts to read, continue reading a book (or a chapter of a book) before bed. Give your child a choice: you read, he or she reads, or the two of you take turns.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids at this age start to resist many (if not all) aspects of daily routines. Be patient when they push the boundaries, but continue to be firm about why routines are important. For example say, “Getting a good night’s sleep helps you be more alert during the day.” “Getting exercise makes you healthy.” “Flossing your teeth helps prevent cavities.”
  
  
• Be open about new hygiene routines that your child needs to adopt as he or she grows, such as using deodorant, shaving, brushing and flossing in new ways with braces, wearing headgears and retainers, and so on.
  
  
• At this age, kids tend to push the boundaries with sleepovers. Don’t be surprised if they stay up all night. Be clear about what they can and cannot do during these sleepovers (such as staying in the house, not making noise to wake up others, and not calling friends after a certain time).
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• A number of teenagers easily get sick and some come down with mononucleosis because they get overly tired. If your teenager chronically goes to bed late, try these tips (from ParentingTeensOnline):
  
  
  • Tell them there's a new policy in the house on bedtime and wake time
  • Give them a week or so leeway to adjust to it
  • Don't immediately drive them to school when they miss the bus
  • Take away other privileges, like cell phones or Internet access if they refuse or won't comply
  • Offer an incentive for consistently on-time behavior.
  
  
• Learn to let go. Older teenagers are becoming more independent, and they’ll make choices about eating, sleeping, and how they spend their time. Talk about any concerns you have, but let them make their own choices. If their choices affect you, be clear about that. You can’t make a teenager eat with you or go to bed at a certain time, but you can say that it’s important that the only noise going on during meals is at the family table and that your home needs to be quiet for those sleeping between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m. (or whatever time you set).
  
  
• Monitor your teen’s health and encourage good health habits, such as eating right, having down time, and exercising. Although many teens throw out good health habits, keep modeling good health habits yourself. Invite your teenager to try new foods (or eat more fruits and vegetables). Encourage your teenager to join you for a family walk (or workout). Talk about why a regular routine helps individuals be at their best.

* Suggestions from Youth Community Connections: Minnesota Partners for Healthy Youth Development, www.youthcommunityconnections.org.

When Parenting Makes Your Head Spin!

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children. Now I have six children, and no theories. —Anonymous

Most parents agree: It doesn’t take much to occasionally feel overwhelmed as a parent. Your child can easily throw you off-kilter by raising issues you’re unprepared to tackle or acting in ways you weren’t expecting.

A 2002 Search Institute-YMCA parent survey, Building Strong Families, reveals that three out of four parents felt they were doing “less than great” as parents, and one in five said they were either doing “poorly” or “just okay.” All parents find themselves stymied by parenting at one time or another. Here’s how to keep a cool head when those times hit:

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For all parents

• Know that you’re not alone: Even though parenting can be quite rewarding, many also say that it’s downright tough at times.
  
  
• Resolve to develop (or deepen) your sense of humor. Kids come up with the craziest ideas. Instead of losing your temper when their ideas go awry, take a break, deal with the situation, and try to find a bit of humor in it. As one parent says, “At least my son didn’t burn down the garage!”
  


• Get to know other parents. Make an effort to introduce yourself and learn new names when you’re present at your child’s activities. Strike up conversations about common parenting topics. Not all parents will be interested in sharing what their kids are doing, but you’ll find some who are willing to commiserate and problem-solve with you while creating a supportive network of like-minded parents.
  
  
• It’s vital to network with other parents when you’re a single parent. Some get together regularly to discuss creative ways to make life easier. One solution might involve setting up a childcare co-op. For example, a group of single parents may take turns trading childcare responsibilities one Saturday afternoon a month, giving the others a “parenting break.” Parents rotate homes so that each single parent cares for the children once a month in their home and gets a break the other three Saturday afternoons a month.
  
  
• Be clear that you’re not your children’s “dumping ground.” Kids are notorious for saying, “I need to be at such-and-such a place at such-and-such a time” a few minutes before the event begins (even when you were never told about the event to begin with), or for needing certain supplies that you don’t own. Sometimes you’ll find yourself scrambling to comply, but it’s ultimately helpful (and appropriate) to teach kids to be respectful of your time and ask them to give you proper notice—without expecting you to do everything for them. They can do their part.
  
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Pace yourself. This is an extremely intense time for most parents. It’s easy to lose yourself in the physical and emotional demands of this phase, but it’s also crucial that you raise infants well by meeting their needs, and monitoring young children closely while giving them stimulating activities. Take naps when your kids nap. Cut back on other activities if you need more time to yourself. Get lots of ideas on how to care for yourself from the asset-building book Parenting Preschoolers with a Purpose.
  


• Find other caring, responsible adults who can spend time with your kids and give you a much-needed break from time to time. Grandparents often enjoy spending time with your kids. So do aunts, uncles, and babysitters that you trust.
  
  
• Enjoy this time with your young children. Even though it’s aggravating to have toys strewn all over the house, spit-up on your clothes, and dirty dishes in the sink, try to let go of your internal resistance and discover some of the joys of this age group. Preschoolers hold an incredible view of the world, and they often make funny and insightful connections that adults don’t.
  
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Parenting can become overwhelming at this stage because there’s so much to keep track of with your growing child’s physical needs and homework and school demands. Try to keep on top of it all, because it’s important for your child to do the best he or she can in school. At times, it may feel as though you’re more of a student than your child is. However, your child will learn important study habits when you sit side-by-side during homework time. You can gradually pull back as your child takes on more of the responsibility of schoolwork.
  
  
• Sometimes feel like a cab driver or transportation president? This feeling is common when you’re driving your child from activity to activity (particularly when you multiply that feeling by the number of kids you have). Figure out ways to make the “getting there” and “getting back” times more fun for you both. Sing songs aloud together. Listen in on your kids’ conversations. Pack a bag with magazines, a novel, or handwork that you can do while you’re waiting for them.
  


• Do something to recharge yourself. Occasionally leave your kids with a responsible adult, and visit a place that excites or calms you. Is there a botanical garden nearby? A museum? A park with a walking path? A library? A coffeehouse where you can meet a friend?
  
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Remember the early childhood years and how they made your head spin? Welcome to Part Two! (Some parents contend that the most intense parenting years are from the ages 0 to 5 and 10 to 15.) Although your kids are pulling away from you and becoming more independent, it’s important to monitor and remain involved in what they’re doing, who they’re with, and where they’re going. Stay engaged, even when your kids may signal you to stay out of their lives.
  
  
• Kids at this age can be impulsive, and may pressure you to let them do things—fast. Slow down the process. Ask questions. Help young teenagers think through actions and consequences. For example, if your child wants to go to a music concert, don’t just automatically agree (or say no) without exploring the request further. Find out if other adults are going. Ask about the price of a concert ticket. Learn how your child plans to get to and from the concert. Find out whether the concert is truly acceptable for this age group. Model and discuss together these other aspects so that your child can learn to plan, consider the bigger picture, and not be so quick to jump into new experiences.
  
  
• Know that most kids are going to experiment in some way with risk-taking behaviors, such as getting into trouble at school or even trying alcohol. When these difficult behaviors happen, work with your child to limit the risk-taking to a one-shot experience (if at all). Set limits and consequences, and be firm while also reminding your child how much you love him or her.
  


• The teen years are often described as a period of “storm and stress.” And while you may find yourself in far more contentious situations with your emerging teenager, remember to love, support, and listen to your teenager, too. One of the more interesting Search Institute findings is that while 70 percent of young people feel they have Asset 1, Family Support, only about 30 percent report they have Asset 2, Positive Family Communication. So talk with your child, and also listen to him or her.
  
  
• As long as you’re aware of what’s happening in your children’s lives, you can relax and enjoy some of the funny, crazy things they do. For example, at a sleepover, one of the girls called each of the other girls’ dads to say how much their daughters loved them (while the daughter screamed in the background), before giggling and hanging up. Some of the playful behavior at this age is harmless and worth laughing about.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Although teenagers at this age tend to be less impulsive than in earlier teen years, they can still be overly spontaneous at times and may need guidance in thinking things through. Give teenagers room to make their own decisions, but continue to ask them questions to help them see the broader picture.
  
  
• Talk and listen to your teenager to understand how much involvement he or she wants from you when making decisions involving school schedules, projects, part-time jobs, financial decisions, college shopping, relationship decisions, and so on. Your perspective often can be very helpful to teenagers. Make sure, though, that they “own” the process and make the final decision themselves.
  
  
• Remember to take time for yourself. Relax with A Moment’s Peace for Parents of Teens.
  
  
• Find out about the creative things teenagers do to make life interesting. For example, at some high schools teenagers compete with each other to ask a date to a dance in the most original way possible. Enjoy these acts, even if your teenager does goofy things that make you shake your head, such as wearing tennis shoes with a tuxedo.
  
  
• Let some things go. Even when teenagers are older, they can still make your head spin. As long as your teen isn’t in danger or creating trouble, sometimes it’s best to just sit down and take a deep breath before trying to figure out what you’ll say or do next.
  
  

School and Home Rules

“Children respond to the expectations of their environment.”—William Grier, educator

It’s hard to raise good kids when they have different rules in different places. A key way to help kids grow up well is by making sure they get consistent messages. To do this, find out which rules kids have at school and see how many of those school rules you can adopt at home. Schools may have different rules concerning clothing and dress and the use of electronics because working with a large, diverse group of kids is different than raising kids at home. Focus on what you can agree on and go from there.

Try it...

For all parents

• Ask the school for a list of rules they have for kids. Your child’s teacher, childcare provider, or school office will have a list of these rules.
  


• Schools and childcare centers are often great at creating behavior rules that are age appropriate for kids. Once you have the list, talk to your child about the list and how you expect your child to act in those ways at school—and which rules also apply at home.
  


• Be consistent in enforcing boundaries. Kids not only need consistent messages about rules, but they also need consistent reinforcement to show that the rules really do matter.
  
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Distraction is a key way to move babies away from inappropriate behavior. Once they get to be toddlers and preschoolers, however, distraction will no longer work and kids need to hear how to act.
  
  
• Check in often with caregivers about how your child is behaving at preschool or childcare. If your child is having difficulty in a certain area, work on that at home as well.
  
  
• Keep lessons simple and positive. Repeat simple rules. Avoid using threats.
  
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Attend back-to-school open houses. Find out what teachers expect of children in the class and how they want them to behave.
  


• When you have parent-teacher conferences, ask about your child’s behavior and character. Then work with your child to help your child succeed.
  


• Be patient in working with difficult behaviors. It often can take a child a long time to learn certain behaviors, such as sitting still in a chair, doing homework every night, and learning to raise hands in class instead of just blurting out an answer. Be patient, but also be consistent.
  
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• As children enter puberty, their classroom behavior can change (and so can their behavior at home). Periodically check in with teachers to identify which behaviors your child excels at and which ones are more difficult.
  
  
• Continue to be consistent in how you expect your child to behave. During puberty, young teenagers test their parents (and teachers) even more. Don’t let them wear you down—or wear you out.
  
  
• Point out when your child acts in ways you admire. It’s too easy to get locked into power struggles and have all your feedback be negative. Focus on the positive as well.
  
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Check in periodically with teachers to see what type of character your child displays in class. Ask for feedback on how to help your child succeed from a character and behavior perspective.
  
  
• Negotiate rules with your teenager. At this age, teenagers are more willing to follow rules if they have a say in what the rules are and why.
  
  
• If you or your teenager objects to a school rule, talk about it. Encourage your teenager to write a letter to the editor of the school newspaper (or a newspaper column) if he or she thinks a rule needs to change and why.
  
  
• Be clear about what you expect and why. Teenagers are more likely to follow the rules when they understand (and accept) the reasoning behind rules.