When Your Child Loses Things

“Riches do not exhilarate us so much with their possession as they torment us with their loss.”—Epicurus, Greek philosopher

Sometimes your child can seem like a black hole. You give your child a backpack, a jacket, a camera—and then it’s gone. Your child doesn’t know where it is (and sometimes blames everyone else for the disappearance). How can you teach your child to hang on to things? Consider these ideas.

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For all parents

• Losing things, unfortunately, is developmentally appropriate for kids. During some rapid times of growth, many kids have a hard time keeping track of themselves, let alone anything else. So know that you’re not the only family dealing with this issue.
  
  
• Decide which items you can turn over to your child completely and which ones you want to monitor more closely. Many parents keep closer track of higher-cost items, such as cameras and hand-held video games. With younger children, you can bring these out for them to use, and then put them away yourself. With older kids, you can create a place for them to keep these items (such as in a specific spot in their room or in another area of your house) to help them keep track of things.
  
  
• Be clear that your child is responsible for items that get stolen or lost. For example, some kids think if they blame a thief, their parents will more likely replace an item. Be up front that it’s up to them to replace an item. This often will help them keep better track of their things. Or if they figure out where they left the item, have them go pick it up.
  
  
• Teach your child responsibility by trying the ideas in the chapter on Asset 30: Responsibility in What Young Children Need to Succeed for ideas from birth to age 11 and in What Kids Need to Succeed for ideas for ages 12 to 18.
  
  
• Be empathetic when your child loses something valuable. You want your child to be responsible, but you also want your child to see you as a trusted adult who truly cares about his or her ups and downs.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Create a bag or backpack that you take with you on outings that have items your child enjoys. Keep those things in that bag when they’re not using them so that you know where these items are.
  
  
• If your child loses a favorite blanket, stuffed animal, or other item, search with your child. Even if you don’t find it, your child often feels less stressed if you’re just as concerned about the lost item as he or she is.
  


• Be realistic about what this age can do in terms of responsibility.
  
  
• Keep family valuables far from young hands. Young children enjoy playing with keys, watches, remotes, purses, jewelry, and other items that you don’t want lost. Keep these items high on a shelf or inside a container that kids cannot get into.
  


• Consider packing away some of your valuables until your children are older to keep them safe from getting lost, or broken. Or keep them in a display case that your child cannot open.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Make it easy for your child to keep track of items for school. For example, have a one-two-three count. One is for the backpack. Two is for the coat. And three is for the lunchbox (or another item).
  
  
• Write your child’s first and last name with permanent marker inside of clothes, backpacks, and other important items. Most schools have a lost and found, and they’re more likely to help you get these items back if your child’s first and last name are printed inside.
  


• Create a place for your child’s important things so that they begin to associate that place for certain items. For example, maybe you have a hook for your child’s backpack and another for your child’s coat. Maybe you find a small shelf that will hold your child’s valuables.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• The onset of puberty can seem to rob your child of his or her sense of responsibility. Kids at this age seem to misplace everything. Many parents of this age talk about how they seem to have more items in their home that belongs to their kids’ friends than to their own kids! If this happens to you, consider creating a box to keep other kids’ stuff.
  
  
• Talk with your child about taking responsibility for keeping track of valuables, such as a cell phone, an mp3 player, or a digital camera. When you give these items to your child, give them fully to your child, which means that if your child loses them (or if the items are stolen), it’s your child’s loss, not yours.
  
  
• Teach your child to empty their pockets at the end of the day. Too many kids at this age leave valuables in their pockets, and then these items get ruined in the washer.
  
  
• If your child loses something valuable and cannot find it after a time, talk about how he or she can work to buy another one. Don’t bail out your child, but create a work plan where your child earns all the money to buy a replacement. This won’t be easy for you—or your child—but it teaches your child a valuable lesson about hanging on to things.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• At this age, your teenager may own some high-price items, which are not only easy to lose but are also tempting for others to steal. Consider listing these items as personal articles to your homeowner’s insurance. There’s often a small annual fee, but when these items are listed individually, they rarely have a deductible and will be fully reimbursed if your teen files a police report for stolen property.
  
  
• At this age, your teenager should be able to keep better track of things. Continue to build skills in areas where your teenager may be struggling, such as keeping track of a driver’s license (by keeping it in a wallet instead of just a pocket) and homework assignments.
  
  
• Be open and flexible about how your teenager keeps track of things. Some are quite organized and systematic. Others are more right-brained and spontaneous. If your teenager is not organized, talk about other ways to keep track of things, such as having a decorative bowl to place things in or getting a night stand to hold a wallet, cell phone, and so on. Encourage creative ideas so that your teenager keeps track of what’s important.
  

Noticing When Your Kids Do the Right Thing

“Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”—W. Clement Stone, American writer

It’s so easy to say no. It’s even easier to find all the little things that your child does wrong. Yet, what if you said yes more than you said no? What if you started noticing the little things your child is doing right? Even though your child will still do things wrong and get into trouble, your child will feel more uplifted rather than beaten down when you notice her doing the right thing. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• Kids are growing and learning. A lot of this process involves trial and error, which is why it seems on some days they do more wrong things than right. Open your heart more and be compassionate about your child’s process of growing and discovering what’s right and wrong.
  
  
• Be intentional about noticing what your child is doing right. For example, if your toddler made a mess at lunch but ate all of her vegetables, point out how proud you are of how she ate.
  
  
• Pay attention to how you respond when someone gives you a compliment. Then think about how your child feels when you compliment him.
  
  
• Continue to set and enforce boundaries consistently. You can make a point of praising good behavior and following through on consequences when your child violates known boundaries.
  


• Talk about how doing the right thing is about becoming a person of character, a person with strong positive values. A helpful book is Teaching Your Children Values.
  


• Be sincere in your compliments. Mean what you say. Kids can tell right away when an adult is manipulating them by saying something nice to get them to behave a certain way.
  
  
• Don’t limit yourself to complimenting only your own kids. If you see a neighbor child or a teenager at the grocery store do something good, give a personal compliment. Your children are always watching what you do, and they’ll observe that you’re rewarding good behavior.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Delight in the discoveries of your child. For example, some kids get excited with ants or worms outside. Share their enthusiasm—even if you’ve seen millions of ants before.
  
  
• Give your child two better choices when he wants to make one bad one. For example, if your child keeps stealing your watch and playing with it, offer your child two different toys that he really likes and make a trade. (Then keep your watch in a place your child cannot get into.)
  
  
• Compliment your child whenever he helps out or does a caring action.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Homework and learning to read can be overwhelming, daunting tasks for children at this age. Break apart the steps and point out when your child is doing the right thing, such as recognizing specific words when reading aloud.
  
  
• Point out how proud you are when your child apologizes after doing something wrong (even if the apology didn’t seem sincere). Learning to apologize is hard to do, so recognize your child’s effort even if her execution isn’t smooth yet.
  
  
• Notice when your child is gentle and caring toward other people and animals. These caring behaviors are important for them to learn and continue to use throughout their lives.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Kids at this age often become self-conscious and worry about their appearance. When they experiment with their hair or clothing style, compliment on a part that you like (even if it’s just the color).
  
  
• Many kids have shifting relationships at this age as they figure out who they are and how they fit in. When you like one or more of their friends, say so. Tell them how good they are at choosing friends.
  
  
• Schoolwork often can become more intense and demanding, and some kids get easily discouraged. Tell your child how proud you are of her efforts and how she is going deeper with education. If your child is open to it, ask how you can help. Sometimes just being encouraging is a great gift for a child at this age.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• The trouble that kids can find at this age can often have bigger consequences, such as getting into a car accident or getting caught for vandalism. Treat these situations seriously and be firm about how you expect your child to act. Try to separate your child from the behavior by being hard on the behavior and still loving toward your child. A helpful book is Parenting Teens with Love and Logic.
  
  
• Tell your teenager that you’re proud of him, and be specific. For example, say, “I was really proud of how you tackled that player and then helped him up.”
  
  
• Older teenagers can sometimes be so busy that parents rarely see them, so when you do, say something positive.
  
  
• Monitor how your teenager acts toward your compliments. Some don’t like too much enthusiasm. Others do. Give compliments in ways that your teenager accepts the best—and truly finds sincere.
  

Kids: Valentine’s Day, Friendships, and Dating

“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.”—Pearl Bailey, American singer

Valentine’s Day. It’s a day kids either love or hate. Those who love it enjoy all the care, attention, and connection with others. Those who dislike it can feel left out and lonely. Older teenagers who are dating often find the holiday romantic, which can get parents worried about how romantic it is for them. Make Valentine’s Day a memorable day with these ideas.

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For all parents

• Write a short note that describes what you admire in your child. Give the note to your child on Valentine’s Day. If your child is too young to read, include a photograph of the two of you, or draw a picture.
  
  
• Talk about your favorite and least favorite Valentine’s Day experiences, and explain what made them so. It helps kids to know that adults have different feelings about the holiday, depending on what’s happening in their lives.
  
  
• Instead of emphasizing the romantic, sexy qualities of the holiday (which marketers do), focus on deepening relationships and showing people you care. Instead of giving candy, give the inexpensive mini-poster 150 Ways to Show Kids You Care.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Young children love holidays. Make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day. Consider making red and white cupcakes (or heart-shaped cookies). Or purchase a box of inexpensive children’s valentines and write your child’s name on the envelope of every valentine in the box. Then hide the valentines and have your child find them in a scavenger hunt around your house.
  
  
• Consider serving a heart-shaped food, such as a heart-shaped pancake for breakfast, raw carrots that make an outline of a heart for lunch, or a pizza from scratch for dinner—arrange the toppings in the shape of a heart.
  
  
• Young children love stickers. Find heart-shaped and other valentine-themed stickers and have them create a valentine sticker book from a small sketchbook.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Schools often send home a list of classmates for Valentine’s Day. Help your child choose a type of valentine he likes and then help him address a valentine for every child in the class, no matter how much he likes or knows each child. Make sure to give a card to the teacher.
  
  
• Some children enjoy including an item with a valentine’s card to give to classmates. Ask what your child would like to give, but set a budget so that your child doesn’t go overboard with spending.
  
  
• Toss any valentines that your child receives that are mean. Your child does not need to look at these over and over and feel bad. Say that it hurts you that people can be mean, but focus more on the kind valentines rather than the hurtful ones.
  
  
• If you’re creative, encourage your child to make homemade valentines. This can become a big project (especially if you’re trying to make one for everyone in the class), so start early. Or make homemade valentine cards only for family members.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Monitor your child’s feelings about giving valentines. Some stop giving them at a certain age, and honor that. However, if your child wants to give valentines to only close friends and not to everyone in the class, suggest that your child mail valentines to friends so other students don’t feel left out. Talk about how other people feel when they see some kids receiving valentines and others not getting any.
  
  
• Gauge your child’s feelings about Valentine’s Day. If your child enjoys it, go all out and make a big deal of it. If your child finds it a painful holiday, figure out how to connect with your child in meaningful ways that don’t go overboard, such as making their favorite cookies.
  


• Talk about how Valentine’s Day is about love—not sex. Some young kids get the message from the media that the way you show love is by having sex. Discuss why it’s important to wait to have sex and how you can show someone you care in other ways, such as holding hands or just being together. For ideas on how to talk to your child about sex, read the excerpted from Third Base Ain’t What It Used To Be: What Your Kids Are Learning About Sex and How To Help Them Grow Into Sexually Healthy Adults.
  
  
• Kids at this age like to make fun of holidays and mushy feelings. As long as their humor is funny and appropriate, let them do so. But make sure their humor doesn’t cross the line into being gross, mean, or crass.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Some older teenagers are in exclusive dating relationships, and Valentine’s Day can put pressures on taking the relationship further. Talk about that with your teenager. Discuss alternatives to deepening the relationship, such as going out to eat or telling their special someone how they feel. If your teen is getting very serious with someone, talk about your worries about teen pregnancy. For more information, read this article on teen pregnancy.
  
  
• If your older teenager thinks Valentine’s Day is dumb, don’t make a big deal of it with her. However, if you have other children or a significant other, don’t let your teenager’s feelings about the holiday hijack your celebration with other family members.
  
  
• Expand the holiday so that it’s about caring, not just romance. Consider doing a family service project together, such as bringing cookies to an elderly family member, making valentine cards for cousins, or offering to serve a meal at a soup kitchen.
  

Teaching Kids How to Stay Safe

“The door to safety swings on the hinges of common sense.”—Anonymous

It’s tempting to teach kids safety with one phrase: Watch out for stranger danger. Yet, according to the Mayo Clinic, strangers commit only 15 percent of kidnappings. Plus, you want your kid to protect themselves in many ways, not just from kidnappers. Although the world can sometimes seem scary, you can teach your kids how to protect themselves. Here’s how.

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For all parents

• When teaching kids how to protect themselves, don’t frighten them. Don’t tell them about terrifying news, frightening stories, and scary statistics. Instead, build their confidence by building their skills.
  
  
• Build the 40 Developmental Assets in your kids. According to the Jacob Wetterling Foundation, “Adults can protect their children from victimization by giving them positive identities and values, appropriate boundaries and expectations, and the support they need to flourish.” These are all categories of Developmental Assets.
  
  
• Teach kids to pay attention to what scares them. Gavin de Becker, the author of The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence suggests that we pay attention to when our hearts race, when we get nagging feelings, and when we hesitate. These all could signal that something is wrong and we need to pay attention.
  
  
• If you’re divorced and have a contentious relationship with your ex, your ex could be the biggest threat to your child. Keep tabs on your ex. Be clear at school, child care, and other places where your child goes if your ex is not supposed to pick up or visit your child.
  
  
• Monitor your children regularly. While you teach kids skills on how to protect themselves, they still need caring adults who know where they are going, who they are with, and what they are doing. This includes when kids are at home and surfing the Internet or they’re quiet behind closed doors. Yes, kids need their privacy, but as a parent, you should have a good idea of what they’re up to.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Monitor young children at all times. They need constant supervision. Young children can easily wander off (or disappear) within moments.
  
  
• If you need a break from parenting, find a caring, responsible adult (or teenager) who can play with and supervise your young child well. The early-childhood years can be hard on parents because of the constant supervision and care, so give yourself breaks to be at your best when you are with your kids.
  


• Create a warm, loving, safe home so that your child is relaxed most of the time. The kids who have a hard time discerning between threatening people and nonthreatening people tend to be the kids who grow up in chaos and stress.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Be clear who your child should and should not talk to during times away from home. For example, if your child rides the bus, teach your child to take the right bus and to walk straight to school (or straight home) afterward. For young children, it helps if you (or another adult) can wait with your child at the bus stop before school (and meet your child after school).
  
  
• Encourage your child to play with or near other children when they’re outside or away from home. Explain that kids are safer in groups than when they’re alone.
  
  
• With your child, locate the McGruff safe houses in your neighborhood. (They have a sign in the front window or door with a picture of the McGruff dog.) Say that if your child ever feels uncomfortable and cannot find you, it’s best to go to a McGruff house. If you haven’t met this neighbor, do so before you need it. Visit the McGruff Web site for more tips about McGruff houses.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Be clear that your child is not to make arrangements or meet anyone in person that they discovered through the Internet. This is the area that concerns experts the most since kids at this age often don’t talk as much with their parents and become curious about people online.
  
  
• Continue getting to know the friends of your child—and also the parents of your child’s friends. Some kids find new friends at this age, and since they’re more independent, it’s easy not to know most of their friends.
  
  
• As your child becomes older, be more frank about your safety concerns (but don’t overdo it, or your child may dismiss you). Be factual and non-emotional when you state your concerns, such as saying, “I hear that some kids are drinking alcohol at parties and then having sex because they get caught up in the moment. I’m worried that this could happen to you.”
  
  
• Give your child an easy way to say no to uncomfortable situations. If they have a hard time being honest or standing up for themselves (which can happen during the self-conscious teen years), give them options, such as “I have to go home now” or “I feel sick” or “My mother would kill me.” Then make sure you can pick your child up right away (or know another trusted adult who can) if your child calls, asking for help.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Continue talking about the safety issues that affect older teenagers and adults. For example, once kids get their driver’s license, many don’t realize how many accidents occur after dark and with a lot of teenagers in the car. Visit TeenDriving.com for driving safety tips.
  
  
• If one of your teenager’s classmates is in an accident or dies, attend school events or visit the hospital of the injured teen. Even though these are difficult situations, don’t insulate your teenager from them. They shape everyone’s attitudes and actions.
  
  
• Kids at this age often feel invincible and dismiss their “old fogy” parents’ safety concerns. Notice when your teenager takes precautions and say how much you appreciate your teen making smart choices. Try to give more positive feedback than negative feedback—it is the best way to get through to kids this age.
  

Motivating Your Kids to Do Their Best

“Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.”—Winston Churchill, former British prime minister

You want your kids to do their best. But what is their best? How do you know if your kids are living up to their full potential? Consider these ideas.

Try it...

For all parents

• Notice how much your child is self-motivated. Some kids seem to know what they want and go after it. Others seem to dillydally a lot. Every child has a different amount of self-motivation.
  


• Kids are motivated to do their best when they enjoy what they’re doing—and whom they’re with. That’s why one child can have a great year in math one year and a not-so-great year the next. Teachers change. Circumstances change. A lot affects a child’s motivation. Pay attention to what increases your child’s motivation—and what squelches it.
  
  
• Find out what your kids love to do. They’re more likely to be motivated to do things they truly enjoy. Keep introducing them to new activities so that they can discover new things that excite them.
  
  
• True motivation comes from finding the ideal point of being challenged. When kids are overly challenged, they may give up because the expectations are too high. If they’re not challenged enough, they may become bored. Try to find the right balance for your child.
  
  
• Be aware of the difference between extrinsic motivation (being motivated by others with rewards and bribes) and intrinsic motivation (being motivated internally to do something). Although it’s okay to try to motivate kids from time to time with rewards, try to get in touch with what makes your child motivated from the inside and focus on that motivation.
  
  
• Look for fun ways to spice up activities that your child doesn’t enjoy, such as certain chores or doing homework for least-favorite subjects. For example, play music and dance while you dust. Or let your child sit with a favorite stuffed animal while doing homework.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Create a structured day that includes reading aloud picture books, playing outside, doing art, nap time, snack time, making music, and playing with stimulating, age-appropriate toys. Notice which activities excite your young child and build on those.
  
  
• A key point for this age group is to give kids stimulating activities that encourage their curiosity—rather than kills it. Kindergarten teachers say they can always tell which kids have had their curiosity nurtured when they arrive at school the first day. These are the kids who have had parents who take them to interesting places (zoos, children’s museums, the library, the playground, the grocery store) and also have provided interesting, stimulating activities, such as reading aloud, going for walks and identifying colors, and building towers out of blocks.
  


• Motivate your child’s curiosity by not pushing or forcing your child to learn. Eliminate the flash cards and memorization activities. Instead, focus on the things that fascinate your child, such as befriending ants outside or having tea parties for stuffed animals.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Closely monitor your child’s activity and motivation levels at the start of school years. Starting school can be physically exhausting for young children. Make sure they get the rest they need in order to do well at school. Visit Education World.com for tips for healthful sleep.
  
  
• Young children are still highly relational. They tend to be motivated to do well when they adore the adults they’re with. Connect them with trusted, competent adults who care about them.
  


• Kids notice what motivates you. Talk about and include your kids in your passions, such as gardening, woodworking, scrapbooking, or hiking.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Monitor your child’s motivation. Many kids go through phases when they don’t want to do the things they used to love to do. Some can become disinterested in school (or certain subjects). Talk about how important it is to keep going. For more ideas, see Parenting Preteens with a Purpose by Kate Thomsen.
  
  
• Notice the new interests that get your kids excited. Sometimes it’s giggling about the opposite sex, reading comic books, or fashion. Kids at this age are highly aware of which social groups they fit into and don’t fit into, and so many are motivated to look—and act—a certain way.
  
  
• Many kids become motivated by how they feel during this age. Model and talk about how important it is to do certain activities (such as completing homework and helping out with chores) no matter how you feel.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Keep tabs on how competition is affecting your teenager’s motivation. For some teenagers, competition motivates them more. For others, competition paralyzes them. Give suggestions on how to handle competition well.
  
  
• Talk with your teenager about how to balance highly motivational activities with ones that are important but less interesting to do. Explain how adults constantly find ways to take responsibility yet also follow their interests and passions.
  
  
• Most teenagers (and adults) want to change something (such as losing weight, exercising more, or improving their performance at work or school). But change is hard. Point out how small steps matter. A helpful resource is One Small Step Can Change Your Life by Robert Maurer.
  

The State of Your Family

“To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order. To put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order. To put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right.”—Confucius, Chinese philosopher

At the beginning of each year, the president of the United States gives a State of the Union address to Congress, outlining his hopes and plans for the year. Take some time to sit down and discuss the “state of your family” and see what hopes and dreams everyone has.

For all parents

• Make this a democratic process and give everyone in the family a say. If your family isn’t used to this, you might be surprised at what your kids have to say. Listen to them.
  
  
• Take stock of where your family is and where you’d like it to be. Encourage family members to be open and honest about what they see as your family’s strengths and weaknesses.
  
  
• Think about two or three things you enjoy about your family and be ready to name them. As a parent, you may need to model this at first (if your kids aren’t used to it). For tips on effective family meetings, visit The Family Education Center.
  
  
• If discussions become difficult, make sure you keep them away from mealtimes. Stress can kill people’s appetites, and stressful meals usually drive people away from wanting to eat together. Keep mealtimes calm and fun. Deal with the hard stuff at other times.
  


• Sometimes kids say their family is boring and doesn’t do anything. If any of your kids have “big dreams” that cost “big bucks” (such as wanting your family to go on an overseas vacation), be honest about your family budget. Look at ways to save and creative ways to respond. For example, maybe you can’t afford to fly to China, but your family could attend the Chinese New Year celebration in your city. Expanding your family’s experience of other cultures is always a good activity to elevate the state of your family.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Create regular family times to play and be together. When you’re together, ask your child: “What would make family time more fun?” Keep questions short and easy to answer.
  
  
• If you have a parenting partner, talk about the current state of your family and what your hopes and needs are. Parenting young children can be intense and time-consuming, so be clear about your needs. If you’re a single parent, see if you can team up with another single parent to form a mutual support system for each other.
  
  
• Focus more on the state of your family rather than the state of your home. With young children in the house, it’s often difficult to maintain a well kept up home. Occasionally let the dishes sit in the sink to get down on the floor to play with your child.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Since children think concretely, you can make the “state of your family” day the same day as the “state of the union” address. Decorate your table with red, white, and blue ribbons. Talk about who the president is. Ask your kids: If you could be president of our family, what would you want to do?
  


• Your family will run much smoother if everyone pitches in with chores. Set aside time for clean-up where everyone picks up their things and puts them away. You also can have a family chore time once a week where family members work together to complete chores.
  
  
• Make time for family fun. With our busy lifestyles, it’s easy for everyone to be going in different directions and for life to get overly scheduled. Inflate a balloon and see how many times family members can bat it without the balloon falling to the ground.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Set up a time for a family meeting and talk about what kids hope for in the year to come. Most kids tend to think only of vacations, but encourage them to think broader, such as: Are there any recreational activities you’d like to try? Is there a restaurant that you’ve heard of that’s good?
  
  
• Encourage kids to invite a friend for family activities. They’re more likely to participate if they have a friend with them.
  
  
• Together learn more about the State of the Union and its purpose by reading about it on Wikipedia.
  
  
• Try to talk to your kids about the state of your family when they’re in a good mood. If kids are feeling down or having a bad day, you’ll only get negative feedback.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Make your home inviting to older teenagers. Keep snacks and beverages on hand that they enjoy. Say hello to your teen’s friends when they come through the door. Even though you may not see your teenager a whole lot, they’re more likely to bring their friends home with them if they view your house as a good place to be.
  
  
• Create enjoyable family time when you’re more apt to all be together, such as during the holidays, visiting colleges, and so on.
  
  
• Talk about the state of your family when you’re all together. Sometimes it’s tempting to do this without your older teenagers because they often are busy and not home much. So be spontaneous and call the family together to talk when they are home.
  
  
• Consider watching the State of the Union with your older teenager. Ask what she thinks is impressive, impossible, or interesting. Ask your teenager what she would say about the state of your family for the coming year.
  

Me, Me, Me: When Kids Think Only of Themselves

“When we are happy, we are less self-focused. We like others more, and we want to share our good fortune, even with strangers.”—Martin Seligman, American researcher

Kids are self-absorbed. It’s part of their development. At times, they need to focus on themselves to grow up well. Yet, as parents, we can continue to help them be aware of, be sensitive to, and help the people around them. This is easier to do at certain ages than others, but all kids benefit when they develop a healthy sense of themselves while also developing a healthy sense of caring for others.

Try it...

For all parents

• Remember that you are not alone. Almost all parents complain about their kids being self-absorbed. This occurs most intensely when kids are young (during the toddler and preschool years) and then again in the early teenage years.
  
  
• Support your kids. Encourage your kids. Be proud of your kids. Help them grow up well as individuals, but also nurture their caring for others. As a family, do simple family service projects. Bake cookies for a sick friend. Help an elderly person with yard work or errands. For family service ideas, see the free MVParents newsletter, Family Volunteering.
  


• Set age-appropriate boundaries for your kids. Kids who grow up self-absorbed have been handed everything and not expected to follow boundaries.
  
  
• Notice and acknowledge your child’s positive behavior whenever you see him acting in caring ways toward other people and animals.
  

For parents with children ages birth to 5

• Teach children to share from an early age, even though sharing is a difficult concept for young children to learn. Keep teaching them about sharing, and they will gradually learn it.
  
  
• Keep a healthy balance of your child having her own things and also sharing. For example, if you invite a child over to play at your home, ask your child to put away her favorite toys that she doesn’t want to share. Explain how everything else is meant to be shared while the child visits.
  


• Meet your child’s needs. If your child cries, attend to him immediately. Keep your child fed, rested, and stimulated. The better your child is cared for as a young child, the more likely he will develop a strong sense of self and become a caring individual.
  

For parents with children ages 6 - 9

• Kids can become selfish when they feel threatened or scared. Instead of coming down hard on your kids when they act this way, ask questions to see if something else might be going on.
  
  
• Continue to value, listen, and respect your child. Nurture her identity. You cannot become a caring individual if you don’t feel cared for.
  
  
• Keep in touch with grandparents, neighbors, and extended family members. When you bring your kids with you to be with other people, they see you caring for others, and they learn to be interested in others.
  

For parents with children ages 10 - 15

• Don’t be surprised if your former caring child becomes a self-absorbed teenager. This often happens, and it happens to a lot of kids. Give your child some space to develop, but continue to emphasize how important it is to help and care for others.
  
  
• Kids at this age often love to help others through projects. Have the budding artists create cards to send to homebound or sick people. Have those who enjoy cooking bake something for a widow. Also see if a local congregation has service projects that your kids can do with their friends.
  
  
• Be sensitive toward your self-conscious, self-absorbed teenager. Many have fragile identities. Even though they may push you away, they still want your support and care.
  

For parents with children ages 16 - 18

• Because of the sometimes fierce competition in high school, some older teenagers can become wrapped up in their own worlds in order to succeed. Monitor their stress and competition levels. Encourage them to have a healthy social life in addition to having a healthy academic life.
  
  
• Older teenagers often take great pride in doing more extensive, challenging service projects. Some go to weeklong service camps in other states—or other countries. Or see if your teen would be interested in building houses with Habitat for Humanity. Visit their Web site to find a local chapter.
  
  
• Continue to do your part in modeling caring. Volunteer at your teen’s school—or in an organization or your community. Talk about why you volunteer and why you enjoy it. Even if your teenager doesn’t do much volunteering now, he will remember what you did.